Edmond Bernardy was in that state of mind when everything joyous is an
insult and everything sorrowful an added stab. When the horror had first
settled on him he fought it wildly; then succeeded a numbed condition of
the nerves, when will and reason lay dormant, and he surrendered himself
to instinct--and instinct had brought him to the lonely passes, the
snow-enfolded peaks, and the dream-ridden little cities of Provence.
It was in the days before railways were thought of, when gentlemen still
did the "grand tour," and did it by post-chaise. Bernardy, whose
finances were of the uncertain kind usual with even a successful poet,
and whose mood was for the leisurely, preferred, once he had attained
the coast of Provence by ship, to strike up inland on foot. In spite of
himself, his surroundings began to soothe him, justifying the instinct
which led him, and that had its root deeper than he suspected.
Bernardy's mother had been a Provencale, and it was in one of the little
mountain cities that his English father had met her, and she had only
left her birthplace a few weeks before Edmond himself was born. It was
owing to her that he possessed a deep love for little cities; though
this was the first time that he had ever come to his mother's country.
As a boy he, like all right-minded children, possessed a little city of
the imagination where he sat enthroned, king of the be-pennoned turrets
and circling walls. With Bernardy the idea of the little city had become
an obsession, entering even into his dreams at night, causing him to
lead, even more than most children, that curious inner life of which
waxing adolescence must so surely lose grip. His peculiar and vivid
genius, though technically the joy of his fellow writers, never lost a
quality of uncanny vision that sometimes disconcerted an age given over
to the flamboyance of Byron, and this quality was the natural outcome of
his withdrawal, as a child, into his secret life. That life was a
complicated and delicate thing, no mere floating vagueness of dreams,
but a fabric deliberately planned and reared, with a wealth of cunning
detail to persuade him of reality. He could remember now how convinced
he had been that the town his mind had made was as real as any city he
and his mother visited in their precarious existence--sometimes he could
recall, for a vivid flash, actual streets and houses of his imagination.
Hill cities share with islands the fascination that only aloofness can
give, and the thought of the huddled towns cresting the Alpes-Maritimes
had tugged at Bernardy's cord of memory, bringing back, not only his
mother's stories of her own country, but also the recollections of his
dream-city, so like these he was seeing now. They are towns of fluted
roofs and mellow walls, of shutters flung wide like wings, of courtyards
that are wells of blue shadow, and towers that stand up, golden-white,
into the sunshine. Here Bernardy would come to a town perched,
eagle-wise upon a crag, with a forest of irregular turrets piercing the
sky; there to a little city which fitted over some rounded mountain-top
like a cap, the arching outline of its roofs following faithfully the
curve of the ground with a fruit-like suavity of contour. Everywhere,
away from the cities, lay the olive-slopes, like a great sea, charmed,
at the moment of most tumultuous movement, into stillness, the waves of
it interfolding in vast hollows that never broke; only now and again a
wind tossed the pale undersides of leaves to a semblance of spray.
These valleys, so mysterious at dawn and dusk, and in the day so oddly
toy-like with their tiny, red-roofed oil-mills and the striped effect of
the olive-terraces; these reticent, though seemingly candid, little
townships above them; these mountains that at sunsetting were stained a
burning copper filmed with amethyst--all seemed to Bernardy to be under
a spell, caught in a web of magic as real, though not as visible, as the
web of dappled shadow each olive-tree flung over the ground beside it.
Bernardy told himself that here he could pass a long life happily,
instead of which he had to prepare for death, for the deliberate
blotting out, for him, of all this beauty.
He had never been a gross liver or a gross thinker, yet many a
sensualist would now have been in a better case than he--for he had
always used his quality of spiritual vision--in him so strong as to be
almost an added sense--merely to beat back upon and intensify material
things. An unbeliever or a man of happy-go-lucky nature could have
extracted all the savour possible out of what remained to him of life,
and left what was to come on the knees of the gods--Bernardy was too
ardent a devotee of life, and life, as he understood it, was a
comprehensive term. It meant the training and enjoyment of every
faculty, the critical appreciation of everything he met, the absorption
of beauty and the production of it. Also he feared the physical act of
death as an animal fears it, with a contraction of the muscles and a
chilling of the blood--feared it so that sometimes the sweat would break
out over his face and he would bite back a cry.
Looking back on his life Bernardy could say that it had been good, and
he saw for how much more the little things had counted than the big. A
sunny day, congenial companions, good wine and tobacco, and, above all,
the joy of creation--how well worth while they were. Taken as a whole
they outweighed the fondest woman in the world, and that though Bernardy
had been a fine lover. Yet it was because of a woman that he was to kill
himself three weeks from now, and the fantastic nature of the affair
made him feel like a man in a dream. It amused him that it should have
been the one conventional period of his life--a couple of months in an
English rectory, which had hurled him into such an extravagant
situation.
The Rector, an avowed eccentric, and strongly influenced by the Byronic
wave then at the crest, decided it was his duty to brave society and
take notice of his brother's son--especially as the said son was a
figure in the literary worlds of Paris and London. The Rector's
daughter, Lucy, was sweet and fresh and English, and not in the least
clever, and Bernardy, who had never met anyone like her before, fell
madly in love. The combination of his passion; of a rival deeply bitten
with romanticism and a sense of his own importance and of the high-flown
ideas of the period, resulted in a violent quarrel and what was then a
favoured species of duel. Bernardy and his rival, telling themselves
that they were sparing Lucy the shock of an actual encounter, drew lots
to decide which should take his own life. Bernardy had lost, and,
leaving the bewildered Lucy to her fantastic roll-collared baronet,
retired to spend his two months' grace in his own country of France.
Behold him, entered on his last three weeks, toiling up a mountain pass,
his shirt open at the chest and his tightly strapped trousers somewhat
the worst for dust--a fine figure of a man in a thin, fiery way, with
singularly child-like eyes set in a network of wrinkles--the result of
having spent his thirty odd years with a lavish though fastidious hand.
Sickened suddenly of the ordered olive slopes, he went on and up till he
had left the sleek country behind him, and entered the region that looks
like a burnt-out landscape of the moon. At last he came to the mouth of
a gorge, one side of it rising up sheer into the sunlight, while the
other seemed to hang to the earth like a dark curtain. Looking up,
Bernardy saw, perched at the rim of the sunlit cliff, a little town. In
some places its sloping flanks were built right over the edge, as though
they had been poured out, while molten, from a giant spoon. It was so
many hundred feet above him that he could only just distinguish it was a
town, and not a mere huddle of pale-hued boulders; so high it gave the
effect of being on the edge of the world. Bernardy knew, beyond a doubt,
that he must attain this town, and he cast about to find a way.
Obviously there must be a track on the other side, as the cliff was
bare of so much as a shrub, and yet no path was to be discerned on its
scarred and abrupt surface. Eventually Bernardy made his way round a
fold of gorge and up a steep, winding track to a gently sloping stretch
of country that led up to the town from behind.
Throwing himself upon the short, thorn-entangled grass, he locked his
hands behind his head and gazed under half-shut lids at the little town
which he now saw dark against the sky. He lay, idly counting the towers
of it, till his lids grew too heavy to stay open, and his fingers fell
apart, and with his head pillowed on his arm, he slept.
When he awoke the day was at its brief height, and he scrambled to his
feet with an odd feeling that was more than a mere sense of rest. It was
as though a sponge had been deftly passed over his mind, leaving it a
clean, smooth surface, ready to receive new impressions, unbiased by
anything that was past, the confiding, expectant attitude of a young
child. He had forgotten nothing, it was rather that all his old
arrangement of values had been swept aside, leaving him free to assess
things anew. And, although, for all he could remember, his sleep had
been dreamless, yet he was haunted by half-recollections which pricked
at and eluded him. As he went towards the town something in the sweeping
lines of the fortifications seemed vaguely familiar, and again fragments
of a dream, at which he snatched in vain, floated by him.
Passing under the cool shadow of the gateway he stood wondering which
way to go; then, saying to himself, "I'll go past the Mayor's house,
I always liked it because of the painted walls," he turned to the
right, and walked several paces before the strangeness of his own
words struck him. "What can I have meant?" he asked himself, "and
yet--I seem to remember a house, a white house, with a painted
frieze of fruit and birds, and the Mayoress was a funny, fat old
thing who made _echedets_. . . ."
With his heart beating fast, he turned the corner and found himself at
the house he sought. The more he looked at it the more he remembered it,
and details crowded on him. He walked down the alley at the side, and
found a stone stairway he knew quite well, a stairway that led to a
carved door. He stumbled into the street again like a man distraught.
"Has the horror turned my brain?" he thought. "Well, what matter, if it
makes it easier to die?"
The whole street struck him as familiar, but not until he turned into
the Square did knowledge flash upon him.
"It's my town!" he cried aloud, "it's my town!"
He felt no perplexity at the incredible nature of the thing, a calming
influence, too gracious to be akin to his former stupor, stole over him;
he moved as in a dream, with no responsibility, but full enjoyment. The
naked plane-trees made a silvery network against the cold, pure blue of
the winter sky; into a raised washhouse across the Square the sun shone
obliquely, and the many-hued skirts of the stooping women made vivid
blotches of colour that harmonized with the rhythmic splash of the water
as only music of sight can with music of sound. Dark against the
cream-washed wall of the church, that seemed almost lambent in the glare
of the sun, sat a row of burnt-out old men with shrivelled throats, and
on the steps of the fountain were two old women in black, one wearing a
white cap of folded wings, the other the wide-brimmed black straw hat
common to the peasantry. The lady of the hat plunged her brown old
fingers into the thin arc of water, and Bernardy saw how the drops that
clung to her hand glittered like diamonds before she shook them off to
pit the dust with pock-marks. With that intense sympathy which had done
much to make him an artist, Bernardy tried for a moment to think himself
into the mind of the black-hatted old woman, and to imagine the Square
and his own figure from her mental and physical point of view. It was a
favourite trick of his, but one of which latterly the strain had been
too much for him. Sometimes he would succeed so well for a flash that it
only made the impalpable but stern barrier of personality more definite
even while almost seeming to overleap it. "If I could only achieve the
thing properly," thought Bernardy, "I suppose I should attain exchange
of identity, or at least be absorbed into that of the old lady. And
then--no more of this black horror, and the shell of me would, I
suppose, disfigure the gravel."
He lifted the heavy, leathern curtain over the church door and entered.
Within the air struck cool, though heavy with stale incense; gradually
the gleam of gilding, then separate colours and degrees of dusk and
pallor detached themselves from the darkness, and he saw he was in the
typical little church of the neighbourhood--a rococo affair decked with
rows of plaster saints on painted brackets, each with its little bunch
of flowers in a china mug in front of it. Beneath all the superfluous
decoration there was a pleasing austerity and sturdiness of line; solid
pillars and a low-groined roof made a square-set, beetle-browed little
building, at once tawdry and stark. To Bernardy's receptive mind there
was something peculiarly charming about these churches where everything
spoke of religion being taken in the right way--as a mere matter of
course. A lighted wick, floating in a jam-jar of oil, caught his eye
and, moving forward, he saw it burned before a creche.
For a few minutes he stood before it in silence, then he laughed aloud
in sheer enjoyment. All the other creches he had seen boasted figures of
plaster or china; here, apparently, the expense had been too great, and
the characters were represented by dolls, ordinary wooden dolls with
shiny, painted, black hair and stuff clothes. The Mother herself was
dressed in stiff, spangled muslin, with a veil like a _premiere
communiante_, and a wreath of orange blossom--a confusion of ideas that
had its humour. St. Joseph, in good broadcloth coat and the tightest of
trousers, held the other post of honour, and nearer the spectators,
though facing away from them to the little Christ-Child, were ranged the
shepherds, with--surely an innovation--their wives. The shepherds
themselves supplied the crowning touch, for they wore real knitted
stockings of worsted, and shoes with stitched leather soles, a fact
admirably displayed by the kneeling position of their wearers. The wives
held little baskets full of beads, meant to represent eggs; and woolly
lambs with red-cotton tongues stood about at regular intervals. All the
dolls looked old, and as though they had seen a less gentle service, and
Bernardy wondered what child in that remote place was of sufficient
wealth to own dolls. He was charmed into mirth, and as he thought how
tenderly and kindly the real personages represented must laugh as they
looked down at the little set-piece, he tried to trace, in some trick of
light and shadow, a fleeting smile on the doll-faces. Without warning,
his horror closed on him again, and turning he went heavily down the
church.
As he neared the door the two old women of the market square came in;
still laughing and chattering, they went past him, slowly and stiffly,
with the uneven clumping of old feet. Some curious premonition--a
feeling that something was about to happen--made Bernardy watch them.
Suddenly the old woman in the hat caught sight of the creche, and with
the swift transition of the South, she stopped short in her chatter and
clutched her companion's arm:
"Ah!" she said, "_c'est le bon Jesus, qui donne courage!_"
Every note of her harsh old voice thrilled Bernardy's nerves like a
sudden clarion. It seemed to him the most luminous moment of his life.
There are brief seconds when a rent in the outer film of this world
comes against a rent in what we are pleased to call the "next," though
it is really co-existent with our own. Then it is that we can catch a
glimpse of something that is at another angle, a differently tilted
spiritual plane, so to speak, from our own, and for which our minds
would, ordinarily, need a different focus. The old woman had torn a
peephole for Edmond--perhaps, for all he knew, in that moment of
sympathetic concentration in the Square, their personalities had
mingled, and so made him sensitive to the premonition that gripped him
as she passed. He only knew that her phrase--and being a phrase-monger
himself he had a passion for them--struck him as magnificent. He would
have thought less of it had she said it of the Christ on the Cross, but
she spoke of the Christ-Child. Or if she had spoken of peace, but her
words were "qui donne courage."
"_C'est le bon Jesus, qui donne courage!_"
Bernardy stood quite still, wondering what her life had been that
"courage" should be the word that instinctively sprang to her lips. The
two women were still peering in at the creche, but while White Cap was
recognizing all her acquaintances, so to speak, and hailing them by
name, the other old woman stared straight in front of her, repeating her
phrase very fast, over and over again. Suddenly she turned, and coming
down the church to where Bernardy stood, peered up into his face. For
the last time she repeated it, but with a slight difference, her hand on
his wrist:
"Tu sais, mon brave," she said, "tu sais, c'est l'Enfant qui donne
courage!"
Bernardy went out into the sunlight feeling at once calmed and
exhilarated, yet still with that odd sense of waiting, as of something
holding its breath. All the afternoon he haunted the little wind-swept
town, and towards evening he leant upon the parapet that hung over the
sheer mountain-side. Hundreds of feet below him the valley was lapped in
darkness and he watched the shadow thrown by the opposite range creep up
towards him, the edge of it in deeply curved waves, like a purple tide.
The chill of sunset was in the air when he made his way to the inn, and
he noted that, although the sight of a stranger must be of the utmost
rarity, he excited no comment. Could it be, he wondered, that they
instinctively knew him for one of themselves, these people of his
dream-city, or were they dreams too? In how leisurely a manner they
passed along the streets--the Faun-like youths, brown-necked and
bold-eyed; the firm-set women with their black hair so sleekly and
heavily massed about their heads that it seemed carved out of ebony, and
the quiet-eyed old people with indrawn mouths!
When he reached the inn, a grey pile of round-flanked towers that was
built on the eastern edge, his memories awoke again, and in the
courtyard they surged over him--memories of sitting enthroned in just
such a castle as this. He remembered, too, that there had always been
something he was not allowed to know--was it a door that had been kept
locked, or a forbidden book, or some hidden person whom he had
perpetually tried to meet and never succeeded? Whatever it was, he felt
he would soon discover it.
Nothing occurred to stimulate his memory during supper. The stout
patronne chatted to him of her inn, which had been the Seigneur's
chateau till thirty years before, when the last owner died in great
poverty. Had Monsieur seen and admired the beautiful creche in the
church? The little figures were the dolls which once belonged to
Mademoiselle de Clerissac. The patronne was not old enough to remember
it very distinctly, but she believed Mademoiselle had met with trouble,
which was why she went away. After all, it was natural, she had red
blood in her, both the old Seigneur and his father having married
peasant girls. If Monsieur was interested in such things old Marie, who
had been Mademoiselle de Clerissac's nurse, still lived in a room in the
chateau. She was fabulously old, and had to be tended like a baby by
her granddaughter, and it was true she had long wandered in her wits,
but undoubtedly she could see visions, both of the past and future. No,
Bernardy not only felt no interest in the actual history of the place,
but even shrank from knowledge. It seemed to make his dream-city less
dream-like and less his.
Once in the dim passage leading to his room, he found he had forgotten
which was his door. Carrying his lighted candle head-high, he explored
the far end of the passage, and came on a rather smaller door than the
rest, studded with nail-heads set in a peculiar pattern. It flashed on
Bernardy that it led to the room he had never been allowed to enter--he
even remembered the scar where one nail was missing. Pushing up the
latch, he opened the door and passed through, the light of the candle
he carried shining full on his face, so that he was plainly visible to
anyone in the room, while he himself was too dazzled to see. There was
a table at his left hand, and he put the candle down on it before
advancing into the room.
There was a fire of smouldering logs on the hearth, and beside it sat an
old, old woman. Her hands, with their knotted and discoloured veins,
hung over the arms of her chair, under her chin a hollow cut up sharply.
She stared at Bernardy from red-rimmed, rheumy eye-sockets, mumbling her
mouth with a sucking movement grotesquely suggestive of a baby. Behind
her, wrapped in the soft shadow, with fugitive gleams of firelight
bringing out now a cheekbone, now the curve of chin, or of breast, stood
a much younger woman--she seemed about thirty or perhaps a little more.
They gazed at Bernardy in a calm silence for several seconds, while he
stared at them. Then the younger woman stepped forward into the light,
and Bernardy saw how big and strong she was, deep-chested and
long-flanked, with a wide forehead and heavily folded lids. Against the
white of her apron her hands and wrists showed coarse and reddened, but
the big neck, where it disappeared into the kerchief, was white as milk.
"Monsieur mistakes the room," she said, in a deep voice whose Provencal
twang was blurred into softness. "My grandmother is very old, and
Monsieur will excuse her not wishing him good evening."
Bernardy, confused and bewildered, hesitated a moment, and it was the
old woman who broke the silence. She seemed to be staring not so much at
Bernardy as at some mental vision of him.
"Candide, he has come at last," she said, slowly and clearly, "you must
give him the letters."
The woman called Candide dropped her heavy lids for a moment, while, to
Bernardy's wonder a blush mounted to the roots of her pale, smoothly
banded hair. Then she went to a cupboard, unlocked it, and took out a
packet of letters and a small, paper-covered book, which she handed to
him in silence. The old woman had closed her reddish lids, thickly woven
over with small, raised veins, and there was nothing left for Bernardy
but to take the packet and go to his own room. He found it easily, for
the door stood open now, and he sat himself by the fire and began to
read. In spite of the instinct which had led him, he still had not
guessed what he should find. The breath of dawn was stirring the
curtains before he put the papers down.
The entries in the journal were very brief, and the first bore a date of
some thirty-five years earlier:
"It is now two years since I left school," said the journal,
"and I think I have improved in my hand-writing, also my crewel
stitch. Papa was vexed with me to-day because the soup was too
thin. It was the second straining from the same fowl, but we
could not afford to kill another. I hear there is a stranger, an
Englishman, in the town. He is voyaging for his education. I
wish that was how they educated women."
The next entry was written the following night:
"Papa found there was an English Milord staying here, and has
brought him to the chateau to dinner. He says even if the de
Clerissacs have lost their wealth that is no reason why they
should lose their manners. I had a fresh fowl killed and wore my
muslin. I hear skirts are getting full and mine are very narrow.
He has nice eyes and is so young--almost as young as I am."
Several months elapsed before the next entry. Bernardy read it with
dimmed eyes.
"I am going away--I am going to try and find him. It is not his
fault that everything has happened; I ought to have known,
because I am the woman. He will be miserable when I find him and
tell him what I have gone through, and I cannot bear to make him
miserable. I would protect him from it if I could. But there
will be the baby, and I must protect that too. Papa says I am no
daughter of his, but I cannot see what I have done that is
dreadful. I have done right--I am a woman now, and I know. How
could it have been better for me to grow old and thin and never
give to anyone? It is always good to give. I am leaving this
behind me in the secret shelf of my cupboard, with all the
letters I wrote him--the ones he gave me back and the ones I
never sent. . . . I shall never come here again, and I love it
like my soul. I will always pray our child will come here. He
will not be born here, but perhaps he will come here to die,
even if I cannot. The candle is guttering and I must go. Papa
says I may not bear his name any longer, and old Marie is
letting me take hers. I am no longer de Clerissac, but must sign
myself
"CANDIDE BERNARDY."
The first few letters were mere formal little notes--inviting the Milord
to dine, at the instance of Monsieur de Clerissac, thanking him for
taking herself and old Marie out driving in his post-chaise, suggesting
an hour when he might care to go wild-cat shooting with old Marie's son.
Then came a letter in a more intimate key.
"You should not have sent to Nice for the books" (it ran), "yet
I should be ungrateful not to thank you. If you care to come and
see the violet-bed I was telling you of I will thank you in
person. Papa says would you like one of Minerve's next litter,
but I say you will not be here then? Besides, in England, are
not your dogs of the chase of the best? Accept, Milord, my most
grateful thanks and remembrances.
"C. DE C."
There was only a fragment of the letter next in sequence, that ran as
follows:
". . . and if you really wish it, I will with pleasure embroider a
collar for the pup. Papa says I am to say he is glad you are
staying on, as he never meets a gentleman here. It is amiable of
you to admire my singing, though I fear it is sadly uncultured
after what you are used to, but I too love the Provencal songs.
You suggest Sunday evening to come and begin translating them
into French, that would suit us admirably. My father is, alas!
in bed with the gout, but perhaps you would be kind enough to go
up and see him? It is true our garden is lovely by
moonlight--you do not see then how neglected it is, but I am not
sure if I ought to show it to you then. Perhaps if . . ."
The rest of the page was missing, and Bernardy picked up the next
letter.
"Bien-aime" (he read), "how can I write you and what can I say?
What do the women of your world say when they feel as I do? Ah!
I hope you do not know, I hope you have never made any other
woman feel what I do. Every one must adore you, but only I must
love you. There, I have said it! Edmund, I love you. But it is
not so very dreadful to say it, is it, since, you love me? I
cannot play with the truth to you, Edmund. To you I must always
be
"CANDIDE."
A week later a frightened chord was sounded.
"Edmund," she wrote, "do not again kiss me as you did last
night. I feel wicked creeping out to meet you as it is, and last
night--Edmund, you made me feel ashamed. It was not like
kissing, it was as though you wished to eat me. Do not think me
unkind, but I am feeling afraid, even of you. That is unkind--
forgive me.
"CANDIDE."
Another week, and the key had shifted again.
". . . it is true. I love you so that you can kiss me even like
you did that time. It terrifies me and I feel cold and weak, but
it is enough that you say it is the most splendid thing you have
ever known. Edmund, will you be angry if I say that I regret the
days before we knew we loved? Everything was in a golden mist
like you see in the valley at sunrise, and now I keep on feeling
I do not understand you. Why do you say you cannot tell your
father you love me? I am well-born, though it is true I have no
_dot_, but, indeed, I am a good manager, and you say I am even
prettier than the English ladies. Oh! I am lonely and
frightened, and I want your arms round me. Now that I have said
that, you cannot reproach me with being cold. . . ."
"Your note has just come" (ran the next letter), "and I am oh!
so miserable for you. You are not to think I am unhappy--I am
happy to have loved you. If thinking about me adds to your
unhappiness, I can even say--do not think about me. I can
understand you cannot marry unless your fiancee has a _dot_,
because of your estate. It is best that you should go, but you
may see me to say good-bye. My dear one, my poor heart, what can
I do to help you?"
That was all of the letters to Milord--the letters he had given back.
Next came letters that were never sent.
"Cheri" (ran the first of them), "at last I can write out all
that is in my heart, since you will never see these pages. I
must write, or I shall go mad. . . . I don't regret, in spite of
my shame and bewilderment, for I gave to you. I cannot even feel
wicked, but I should not care if I did. I love you all the more
now I know you are not what I thought. You are not a god or even
a hero, you are a man, and so you are a child--my child, whose
head I held on my breast. You have told me to write to you if I
need your help. How can that be? All that is left to me is to
live out my life here in dreams. I imagine your presence all
day. If the door opens behind me and some one enters, I pretend
it is you till the last moment possible--until Papa or one of
the servants comes round my chair and speaks to me. I have been
loved, and I love--that is a great deal to live on."
That night she went on with the same letter.
"Edmund, Edmund, it is not enough--I want you. My heart is
breaking. I can only lie with my eyes shut and my face pressed
down, and something beats out. 'I want you, I want you.' My
heart broke when you wrote me your last note and I had to reply
cheerfully because of you. I am not so cowardly but that I can
still be glad you do not know my heart broke. _Edmund, I want
you, I want you._"
The last of the unsent letters to Milord was written several months
later.
"Why did I say hearts broke? They don't break, they go dead.
Edmund, I wonder if, wherever you are, you are thinking of me?
You are certainly not thinking that soon you will see me. I
have been trying to decide what to do for the best, and now Papa
says I shall not stay here till what he calls my shame is born.
I will not stay where my hope and my joy is called my shame, and
though I would never ask you anything for myself, I must ask if
for the child. I am coming to England, and I must start now or I
shall not arrive in time. I shall leave all my letters behind
with my journal. I do not even know what I feel when I think of
seeing you again.
"CANDIDE DE CLERISSAC."
There was still one paper more, an envelope that had come by courier and
was addressed to Marie Bernardy. It had been opened, but inside was an
enclosure of which the seals were still unbroken. Without any shock of
surprise Bernardy saw it was addressed to him.
"My son" (he read), "my little son, who, when you read this,
will be a grown man, I who have not quite lost my birthright of
prevision, know that some day you will go to my town and read
this. Will you be in trouble, my little son? Something tells me
you will be near the end, and so I write this to help you. You
are lying on my lap now, and I think we shall have many years to
wander in together, and you will grow away from me, but when you
read this you will find me again, and something more as well. My
son, I got no further than Paris, bearing you beneath my heart.
There I heard from his priest-brother that he had been killed
hunting, and there you were born. So you are mine, you belong to
no one but me. Listen, my son. Life is good, but a clean death
is good too. Never be afraid of one or the other. And when you
read this in the home that was mine, put fear away and be a man.
Find the one with whom you can face whatever comes without
flinching, and when you have found her, never let her go till
your arms must loose for good. My son, I was wrong to say that
hearts went dead, they are merely numbed for a time if only we
are never weak enough to regret. Always remember that it is the
good woman who gives and the good man who creates, and take what
is left to you of life and make with it. I am not merely
imagining you as you read; I am actually with you, I have fused
the present and the future into one, and I can see the
dawn-light barring the floor through the slats of the shutters,
and you are sitting by an empty hearth. Go out, my child, into
the dawn. Edmond, my son, however long it is before you join me,
I am to all eternity
"YOUR MOTHER."
Bernardy staggered to his feet and went to the window, and the
steel-cold bars of light from the slats ran up over him as he
approached. Flinging the shutters wide, he leant out, and drew deep
breaths of the chill, sweet air. The yews and overgrown hedges of the
garden were still velvety with shadow, but beyond the ramparts the
delicate pallor of dawn was already tinged with a faint fire. So had his
mother, half-timid child, half peasant, and entirely woman, often
watched with him beneath her heart. Yet as Bernardy saw the rose light
strengthen, his thoughts left his mother for that other Candide who had
reddened so unaccountably the night before--that Candide who must be
called after his mother. He was still thinking of her as he went
downstairs and through the open door that led into the garden.
He crossed to the furthest rampart of it, that hung over the cliff edge,
and sat down to watch the dawn. Away to a line of silver that told of
the sea the country looked as though dappled in grey and gold, for the
valleys were pools of shadow veined by the brightening ranges of the
mountains. There was a transparency about the morning, a clarity of
young green in leaf and grass, a glimmer of fragile dew globes and
gossamer webs on the brambles, that all made for an agreeing lightness
of that bubble the soul, and Bernardy was soothed to the core of him.
Cupping his chin in his hands, he sat there, drenched in the ineffable
light that seemed to make of the air some divine element, enveloping
every edge in brightness, refracting from each leaf and vibrating with a
diamond quality on the mists in the valley below. The pattern of events
was beginning to clear for him as the world was cleared by the
sunrise--it only needed some master event to be complete. He thought of
the sleep into which he had fallen outside the town, and which had wiped
his mind clear of resentment, and freed it for new impressions: he
remembered the shock when he had first recognized the walls, his growing
excitement as thing after thing was familiar to him, the blinding flash
of the moment when he realized he had found his dream-city. On the crest
of receptiveness he had entered the church, and the phrase of the old
peasant woman had caught at his imagination. Looking back, he saw how it
was the extraordinary serenity of the townsfolk that seemed their
dominant characteristic--they were wrapped in it as in an atmosphere,
they were clear-eyed, clear-skinned, clear-souled. From the moment when
he recognized the nail-studded door till he put down the last of his
mother's letters, his comprehensions had flowed outward in widening
circles. In his new knowledge of his father and mother he saw himself
more clearly than ever before. He remembered his mother, a silent,
quiet-eyed woman, nearly always bent over her needlework--and he saw her
as the eager, ignorant girl, full of romantic dreams; saw her change
into the half-timid, half-reckless lover; followed her through her
lonely grief to the attainment of quiet. She, too, could say it had been
good--and with how far more reason than he! He saw his father--weak,
hot-headed, swayed by passion and selfishness and regret--his father who
had preferred conventional safety to this hill-hung garden in Provence,
where he could have dreamt the greatest dream of all. He saw himself as
he was, and there followed a twin-vision of how he would be lying cold
and pulseless in a few weeks' time, and of how he might have lived in
this city of dreams had he found it with his life still his own. He
would indeed have dreamt the greatest dream of all--the dream that was
life at its fullest. "It is the good woman who gives and the good man
who creates. Take what is left to you of life and make with it" . . . so
wrote his mother, and like an answer flashed the words of the peasant
woman in the church, "C'est l'enfant qui donne courage!"
_The greatest dream of all!_
He looked up and saw Candide, large and serene, coming towards him down
the path, her skirts swinging from her broad hips. He stood up, and for
a moment they faced each other in silence.
She was just thirty and in some ways looked more, because of the
solidity of her well-poised figure; and her clear eyes, rimmed with
black round each iris, were not the ignorant eyes of a child, they were
the eyes of a woman who faces knowledge naturally and patiently.
Big-boned, and, but for the whiteness of her skin, with a something
rockhewn about her face, her only beauty was that of health and a
certain assurance which spoke of perfect poise. She was what Bernardy,
in that moment's clarity of vision, knew her for--a woman born to be
mother of men. He took a step towards her with the gesture of a
frightened child, and with her big hands over his she drew him to the
stone bench and sat beside him. He told her everything, simply and
quickly, because he hated explanations, and was impatient that they were
necessary to her. When he had made an end she said:
"Do you know why I blushed last night when my grandmother recognized
you?"
"No," replied Bernardy, startled out of himself yet pricked to interest.
"Because my grandmother has always made me wait for you. . . ."
"Candide! Candide!" cried Bernardy, the child merged in the waxing
possessiveness of the man, "shall we dream my last few weeks together,
you and I?"
"You do not love me, that is so, is it not?" she asked.
"I am not in love with you, no. That is all spent. If you were any other
woman I would lie to you. But it seems to me it matters very little
whether I am or not. It is not that I feel I cannot love, but as though
I had got through it and out the other side. . . ."
"No, it does not matter," said Candide. "What matters is that I can give
to you and you to me. We will make life, you and I."
"Yes," agreed Bernardy, "we will make life," and as his arms went round
her and his lips found hers everything that had puzzled him fell
naturally into its place. He had always created in his verse, but it was
for this his mother had borne him, it was this that the old woman in the
church had meant, it was for this that the woman at his side had waited.
It mattered very little that he himself would not live to see the life
he made, the chief thing was to create, and he saw life as the greatest
gift man could make to God.