According to a Rome paper, HINDENBURG has requested that all the Royal
Princes shall be removed from the West Front. The original plan of
protecting Their Royal Highnesses by moving the Front further West has
been definitely abandoned.
***
The _Vossische Zeitung_ informs us that the late BISSING was a
"veritable angel of mercy." The KAISER is wondering who started this
scandal.
***
"We are back in the days," says Mr. PRETYMAN, "when the Mercantile
Marine and the Navy were one." If these are the official figures that
the Press has been clamouring for, the bread tickets will come none
too soon.
***
Highland sheep-raisers are said to be feeding their lambs by hand on
a mixture of hot milk and whisky. The little patients appear to
take kindly to the diet, and one or two have even been understood to
suggest that it seems rather a waste of milk.
***
The Imperial Government, we are informed, repudiates responsibility
for the attack by one of its airmen on the Dutch village of Zierikzee,
on the ground that, notwithstanding repeated warnings to abandon the
unneutral practice, the village persisted in looking like a portion of
the Isle of Wight.
***
Saluting is said to have been abolished in the Russian Army. Our own
military authorities, on the other hand, declare that it would be
unwise to abolish a practice in which the inventive genius of the
young soldier has so much scope.
***
Many Germans, says Mr. GERARD, have food concealed in their
wainscoting. But very few of them have any noticeable quantity behind
their dadoes.
***
To mark the disapproval of a tax on complimentary theatre tickets
several lifelong supporters of the British drama have already
requested leading managers to take their names off the free list.
***
We learn from the Press, among the things that matter, that for
two years a well-known Wye Valley angler has been trying to catch a
certain large trout and at last he has succeeded in securing it. We
understand that the trout died with a smile on his face.
***
We hope it is not due to the distraction of war, but America seems to
be losing her dash. At a baseball match in New York the other day only
three of the spectators were injured.
***
At the Shoreditch Tribunal a firm appealing for a man stated that he
was "a director, traveller, buyer, manager, acted as cashier and
costs clerk, loaded the vans, kept the place clean and made himself
generally useful." It is just as well that they added the last item,
or people might have thought he was one of those slackers we hear to
much about.
***
News comes from Athens that KING CONSTANTINE is realising his position
and contemplates abdication in favour of the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE.
It is not yet known in whose favour the CROWN PRINCE GEORGE will
abdicate.
***
Phenomenal prices were again paid at CHRISTIE'S last week for pearls.
It is thought that official action will have to be taken to combat the
belief, widely held in munition-making circles, that pearls dissolved
in champagne are beneficial to the complexion.
***
"When we go to the Front we become the worst criminals," writes
a German soldier taken prisoner at Trescault. We appreciate this
generous attempt to shield his superiors, but cling to our belief that
the worst criminals are still a good way behind the German lines.
***
M. TRIEU, the Public Executioner to the Emperor of AUSTRIA, has just
been married. The bride has promised to obey him.
***
It is thought probable that Mexico will very shortly decide to declare
peace on America.
***
Colonel W.F.N. NOEL, of Newent, claims that Gloucestershire cheese is
as good as any made in England. He omits, however, to state whether
these cheeses make good pets and are fond of children.
***
Paper-covered books are foreshadowed by the Publishers' Association,
and it is rumoured that in order to conserve the paper supply Mr.
CHARLES GARVICE has decided that in future he will not write more than
two novels per week.
***
We resent the suggestion that the public is not prepared to accept
"substitutes." Only the other day a man rushed into a London _café_,
asked if they had any prussic acid, and, when told that they never
kept it, remarked, "Very well. Bring me a pork pie."
***
Three hundred fishing-rods have been sent to the Mesopotamia Field
Force. No request was forwarded for flies.
***
Dealing with IBSEN'S _Ghosts_ at the Kingsway Theatre, the critic of a
halfpenny morning paper refers to it as a "medley of weird psychopathy
and symbolism." Just as if he were writing for a penny paper.
***
A woman at West London Police Court has been sentenced for
"masquerading as a man." Several conscientious objectors are now
getting very nervous on sighting a policeman.
***
Only egg-laying hens will be permitted to survive under the new
regulations of the Board of Agriculture. Villagers who in the past
have made a nice thing out of training hens to get run over by motor
cars will be hard hit.
***
Now that racing has been prohibited it is unlikely that the Slate Club
Secretaries' Sprinting Handicaps will be held this year.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "NO, DEAR, I'M AFRAID WE SHAN'T BE AT THE DANCE
TO-NIGHT. POOR HERBERT HAS GOT A TOUCH OF ALLOTMENT FEET."]
* * * * *