A SCHOOL GIRL'S NOTE BOOK.
Of course she recovered, else there need be no biography of Mattie
Myers, except to teach young girls not to study too hard--a lesson
seldom needed. But the life we are following is to teach a quite
different lesson. She emerges from the sickroom with a constitution
shattered; not altogether broken, but much out of repair every way;
mentally, in particular; for the mind has developed enormous energy in
proportion as the body has wasted away; and all the nerves that are
controlled from the general office are sent tingling at the least
noise--even at the tread of a great thought.
The girl of sixteen is bewildered with herself. That grasp of the will
which had held her to her tasks, to the outraging of her physical self,
has suddenly slipped--it cannot be tightened up to the proper tension,
at least not now. This inability to sleep that has come upon her, is to
continue throughout her life; this nervous excitement of vital forces,
this disproportion of mind and matter, this thinness of form, this
determination to carry self to the end marked out, shown in the firm
mouth--we are to find all these unchanged in after years.
In the meantime, her resolution to carry on her education has not
faltered. She cannot go back to Daughters' College--Professor Williams
does not know how to bear lightly upon the mind, and the girl has not
even yet learned to spare herself. But there is a certain convent, the
St. Catherine de Sienna's--Joe will send her there for a year. The very
name is restful. The course is such that a young girl may carry it with
one hand. Mattie will attend a year; that will graduate her from the St.
Catherine de Sienna's. If, by that time, her strength has come back, she
may finish at Harrodsburg. The convent will be so quiet--no levees, no
marching to church in solid-green, no receptions in the parlors--nothing
but trees and birds and silent-footed sisters, and cool gray walls, and
a little French, a little ancient history, and such portions of the Old
Testament history as have not become Protestantized.
Joe and Mattie discuss these plans at the close of Joe's school-day, as
they sit on his piazza, his flute for the time silent. If they ever
considered her ability to go back to John Augustus Williams instead of
seeking the tutelage of the saint, an event took place that rendered
such a course impossible. It was an event that grew out of other events,
all of which had been preparing for many years.
To young Oliver Carr, far to the north in Mason County, the beginning
had been announced by his old friend Walter Scott. It had come about in
this way:
One evening the almost-raven locks and the keen but always kindly eyes,
of Walter Scott appeared at Carr's hotel, which is for the nonce, the
post office.
"Dear," he said to the youth who, for the time, is deputy post master,
"have you anything for me this evening?"
Oliver, feeling that pleasure he always experienced when this question
could be affirmed by a paper or letter, handed out the _Louisville
Courier_. The old man opened it, and caught sight of words in large
black letters that stared from the top of the page. At the door he read
the line aloud:
"FIRING ON FORT SUMPTER!"
The reader burst into tears, and sank down upon the sidewalk. His
friends hastened up, thinking he was ill, but Walter Scott could only
say, as he pointed at the page,--"Oh, my country is ruined!" They
carried him to his home, to that bed from which he was never to rise.
That was in April, 1861. On the 21st he whispered his dying message to
his friend L. P. Streator, Oliver's teacher,--
"It has been my privilege to develop the kingdom of God. I have been
greatly honored". On the 23rd, he was no more, for God took him.
The war broke in all its fury upon "neutral" Kentucky. It brought the
mountain guerrillas down on May's Lick with all their cruelty, all their
wanton destruction. Woe to the goodly stores in William Carr's larder,
the furniture of the hotel, the splendid horses in the stables, when
they come shouting and cursing at his door! John Augustus Williams is
obliged to close his Daughters' College and save his learning for
another day. The young ladies have laid aside metaphysics and rhetoric
to make clothes for the boys fighting in the Carolinas. For a time it
seems not so important to classify the metonymies as to make peas or
dandelion taste like coffee.
But gentle St. Catherine de Sienna raises its voice in pious song, and
tolls its beads, and murmurs in pensive recitivo "_Je suis_, _tu es_,
_il est_, _elle est_"--and hears not the echo of Perryville cannon, as
one hears in Harrodsburg; or, if hearing, puts it to the account of the
flesh and the devil, and chants _Te deum laudamus_.
Mattie's year in the convent is of all things the one needful. She
rests and learns. At the end of the year she knows what St. Catherine de
Sienna had to teach, and her strength is no worse from the acquisition.
But as for any influence upon her mind or heart by this year's
experience, we seek in vain for a trace. It may be that the beliefs she
took behind the convent walls were made firmer to resist soft
influences; or it may be that her faith was so impregnable at the
beginning of this gentle eclipse, that it had nothing to fear.
The girl of seventeen bade farewell to St. Catherine's with the warm
affection of the girl, and the serene self-poise of the woman. It left
her just where it had found her, except that she knew a little more
about the light graces of learning, and--the main thing, after
all,--that she was now able to go on with serious study. It is often the
case, when a Protestant so young as Mattie, graduates from the convent,
that she carries through life a little cloistered chamber in her heart,
where thoughts slip in the quiet hour to count their beads, and whisper
"Ave Maria".
The next year Mattie returned to Daughters' College, where she graduated
with honors, in 1865. There is an old gray-mottled composition-book
written through in different inks, the prevailing color suggesting
iron-rust, the pages showing the shadows of half a century, and the
oft-repeated contact of a school-girl's hand. We find on the title page,
"Miss Mattie Forbes Myers," written by her own hand--that was when she
was thirteen. Later--for this book was used during her college days--we
find "Mattie F. Myers"--no use now, for her to prefix the "Miss;" that
is done by others.
This book is filled with notes taken at lectures, with poems, some
original and some copied or memorized, with essays, with school notes;
and here alone, save in a few essays on separate sheets, are we given a
glimpse into the girl's mind, by the girl herself. Here we may find what
she thought of life and death and immortality--but nothing of her daily
life.
The book is interesting because of its omissions. There are no
straggling lines such as one naturally writes in one's school-days when
it is raining, for instance; or when one feels dull or impatient for the
closing hour. There are no pyramids of schoolmates' names, no idle
pictures that might be faces or geometrical figures, no allusions to
Harrodsburg, or Lancaster, or Stanford, or any place or person more
concrete than Moses crossing the Red Sea, or Hannibal crossing the Alps.
Above all, in whatever disquisition upon the "Atonement" or "The
Johnsonian Era," there is no flash of humor. One cannot avoid the
impression in turning over these 209 closely written pages that here was
a girl who, from year to year--that is, from twelve to twenty,--was
serious, was intent upon a definite plan, was adhering closely to a
central theme, unmindful of aught that detracts or turns the mind aside,
though that digression be but the pleasant recreation of a smile.
It is true that all these pages do not present "solid reading matter."
There is poetry here which shows a deeper love of poetry than of a
poetic gift. One sees that this love of poetry was no superficial
acquirement; it was not that nice taste for forms that contents the
modern reader of magazines with a four-line stanza about any subject
that can be put into four lines. Mattie read Mrs. Browning because she
loved her. Of all books in English literature, she seems to have cared
most for "Aurora Leigh." We find her in after years advising her friends
to read Mrs. Browning, if they would taste the purest literary joys. A
serious business, indeed, was life to that great-souled English poet
with the slender hand up-propping the heavy head--this life so full of
song and gaiety to most of us, before we stop laughing--also it meant
serious business to Mattie Myers. And as Elizabeth Barrett found in
later years a great love upon which she could always rest her weary
heart, even so was Mattie Myers to find a love resourceful and
deathless? We shall see, by-and-by.
The first writing in the book--written somewhere in her thirteenth year,
is this: "A forehead royal with the truth"--_Elizabeth Barrett
Browning_. Then we find, "As stars differ from one another in glory, so
shall it be in the resurrection morn." Later comes, "Heaven is fair,
earth pitiless; why is life so dear?" And, "He who has most of heart has
most of sword." Then, "Oh life, is all thy song, Endure and die?" These
are interesting as showing what sort of sentiments interested the little
girl at the boarding-school. They are all like these, her written
selections, grave to solemnity. Her original poetry is like it:
"In this narrow vale of life
Amid its scoldings and its strife,
Amid its darkness and its gloom,
Loving children, welcome, come."
Nor was this that seriousness which many an author confines to his
writings, living a life far different from one's tragic numbers. Mattie
was not an author, she had no desire to be one, and what she wrote was
not apart from her life, but a part of it.
The style she developed was the oratorical. Her sentences were balanced,
and her thoughts enforced by repetition. What she wrote after her
graduation was, in the main, written to be delivered in public address.
Her college theses represent the highest development of her style. Even
as one reads them, he feels that they should be proclaimed. They are
suited to the public platform. If the girl who wrote these does not, in
time, become a popular lecturer, we shall be much mistaken! Moreover,
apart from the embellishment which she loved to give her sentences, we
find that whatever subject she undertakes, she treats with a
whole-souled enthusiasm, as if it were a matter of immediate, vital
importance, and as if she were an eyewitness of the event. Hear her:
"But when Aurora with her rosy fingers lifted the veil of night and
robed the earth in sparkling gems, the predominant trait of his
character again swayed his being, and again his solemn oath was
violated. Infatuated man! Think you that because the stream now flows
smoothly, and the thunder of the cataract has transiently ceased, that
you are far removed from danger? Already you are within the rapids." Who
is this man that is in such terrible danger? None other than our old
friend Pharaoh. In such thrilling words is his doom presently presented,
that we feel that while he got no worse than he deserved, still it was
enough. This was written at St. Catherine's. She is just as intimate
with, just as keenly alive to, the sorrows of Spenser:
"Though the ashes of Spenser repose at Westminister, yet he still lives
in the hearts of every lover of the beautiful and the good. The casket
has decayed, but the jewel is firmly set in the coronet of Literature.
There it will shine in undimmed splendor and beauty until the Empire of
Genius shall fall. Even in our school-girl heart he has found a place,
and memory of his woes and his joys, of his poverty and his unsearchable
riches, will be with us forever."
The same spirit of bringing heart and soul into the theme, is shown in
her treatment of her favorites of the Elizabethan era, the time of Queen
Anne, or the Fall of Carthage. One does not feel that these essays are
"pieces" so much as they are fragments of a sincere and enthusiastic
mind. That which rouses her to greatest exaltation is the description of
a soul encountering supreme difficulties; and we find her standing by
Hannibal with a trumpet call to duty and heroism, when all his own have
deserted him. Here is her hero of history, to none other does she so
freely pour forth the unstinted admiration of her girl's heart.
Two other qualities should be mentioned in this connection. One is the
intellectual force shown in these really remarkable productions, the
ability to take the accepted positions of critics and clothe them in new
and pulsing words. No need to ask for help in writing these
compositions! who indeed could have done so well? In a few instances we
find where the pencil of John Augustus Williams has culled out
superlative phrases, or where he has inquired (for instance, after such
a phrase as "we weep for him") if this is not rather "strong?" But on
the whole, he leaves her articles unchanged, doubtless taking keen
delight in the ability that has produced them. A young girl who can
write thus at fifteen and seventeen, might do great things as an author;
but as we have seen, her plans were formed for other fields.
The last quality of her writings which we have reserved, is one that
permeates everything she wrote. No matter what the subject--whether the
"Vail of Wyoming," or the general title, "Logic"--religion comes in; we
do not say it creeps in; it walks in with head erect. It quite often
overflows and submerges the point under consideration. One feels at
times that the subject has been a means of getting at more vital
matters. All through the composition-book we find pieces of sermons, and
quotations of moral reflections, and verses from the Bible. Here and
there are penciled little prayers such as a school girl might make who
has deep purposes. There are pages of reflections on the Holy Spirit,
side by side with French lessons. The religious nature of man; Christ as
Prophet; Christ as Law-giver; God and Justice; Faith--these are
discussed at length between sections of Botany notes and Geology and
Civil Government classifications. The last word of all is given, not to
a remark about some seatmate, or teacher, but to John the Baptist--what
she thought of _his_ life and purpose.
In this schoolbook, closed so long ago, there is a page almost filled
with a discussion of Lady Macbeth; then, inverted lines, penciled as if
to stow it away from conspicuous sight--and, indeed, against the
background of iron-rusted ink, it is hardly discernible--are these lines
without a subject heading: "God grant that I may never find enjoyment in
the foolish pleasures of the world; but that my soul may soar far above
its ephemeral joys unto the unsearchable riches of Christ Jesus my
Lord."
That was the prayer of her young days; it explains what she has
written--the pages we have been examining. By the light of this prayer,
we may follow her from the schoolroom to her active service in the outer
world. We see her attentive upon the worship of God; not only going,
but leading; not only listening, but ministering. She finds her work in
the songs of the church. At Mount Carmel lives her married sister, Mrs.
Kate O'Bannon, a devoted member of the Church of Christ. During her
latter summer vacations, Mattie stays with her; at church, she leads the
singing.
In the early mornings, Mattie delighted in her walk along the
ridge-road, from which the woods could be heard speaking in the myriad
voices of bird-happiness. And she loved the little church, fresh from
her school-duties, loved each greeting at the sunny door, and down the
quiet aisles, coming as voices from long voyages apart. She led the
singing with all her heart, and the congregation sang with all theirs;
and when a protracted meeting was to be held, there was pleasurable
excitement among the singers, over what to sing, and how to sing it.
One day, excitement is rife among church-members; one hears that a
strange preacher is coming to hold a meeting--a young man Mattie has
never seen. Who can it be? Surely not the boy from May's Lick? Surely
not the Oliver Carr who was startled one evening with an armful of
shavings, poised for bearing home, at hearing the wagon-maker
say--"Ollie, isn't it time for you to be a Christian?"
Certainly, it would be strange if Oliver Carr should come to preach in
the church where Mattie Myers leads the singing! The hard-earned money
of Eneas Myall and his friend would not have been spent in vain, should
such be the case! Let us return to May's Lick at the time of Oliver's
starting to college, and find how, by any means, we can bring him to
Mount Carmel to hold this very meeting, for which "Miss Mattie" is
making ready.