Sez he, “There is a saloon right here handy in the buildin’.”
Sez I in awful axents, “It is very appropriate to have it here handy!”
Sez I, “Liquor duz more towards makin’ the laws of the United States
from Caucus to Convention than anything else duz, and it is highly
proper to have it here so they can soak the laws in it right off before
they lay ’em onto the table or under ’em, or pass ’em onto the people.
It is highly appropriate,” sez I.
“Yes,” sez he. “It is very handy for the Senators and Congressmen, and
let me get you a glass.”
“No, you won’t!” sez I firmly. “The nation suffers enough from that
room now without havin’ Josiah Allen’s wife let in.”
Sez he, “If you have any feeling of delicacy in goin’ in there, let me
make some wine here. I will get a glass of water and make you some pure
grape wine, or French brandy, or corn or rye whiskey. I have all the
drugs right here.” And he took a little box out of his pocket. “My
father is a importer of rare old wines, and I know just how it is done.
I have ’em all here, Capsicum, Coculus Indicus, alum, copperas,
strychnine; I will make some of the choicest, oldest, and purest
imported liquors we have in the country, in five minutes if you say
so.”
“No!” sez I firmly, “when I want to foller Cleopatra’s fashion and
commit suicide, I will hire a rattlesnake and take my pizen as she did,
on the outside.”
Well, I got back to Hiram Cagwin’s tired as a dog, and Serepta’s
errents ondone. But my conscience opholded me and told me I had done my
very best, and man or woman can do no more.
Well, the next day but one wuz the big outdoor suffrage meetin’. And we
sot off in good season, Hiram feelin’ well enough to be left with the
hired help. Polly started before we did with some of her college mates,
lookin’ pretty as a pink with a red rose pinned over a achin’ heart, so
I spoze, for she loved the young man who wuz out with another girl
May-flowering. Burnin’ zeal and lofty principle can’t take the place in
a woman’s heart of love and domestic happiness, and men needn’t be
afraid it will. There is no more danger on’t than there is of a settin’
hen wantin’ to leave her nest to be a commercial traveler. Nature has
made laws for wimmen and hens that no ballot, male or female, can
upset.
Josiah and Lorinda and I went in the trolley in good season, so’s to
git a sightly place, Lorinda protestin’ all the time aginst the
indelicacy and impropriety of wimmen’s appearin’ in outdoor meetin’s,
forgittin’, I spose, the dense procession of wimmen that fills the
avenues every day, follerin’ Fashion and Display. As nigh as I could
make out the impropriety consisted in wimmen’s follerin’ after Justice
and Right.
Josiah’s face looked dubersome. I guess he wuz worryin’ over his offer
to represent me, and thinkin’ of Aunt Susan and the twins.
But as it turned out I met Diantha while Josiah wuz in a shop buyin’
some peppermint lozengers, and she said her niece had come from the
West, and they got along all right. So that lifted my burden. But I
thought best not to tell Josiah, as he wuz so bound to represent me. I
thought it wouldn’t do any hurt to let him think it over about the job
a man took on himself when he sot out to represent a woman. They
wouldn’t like it in lots of ways, as willin’ as they seem to be in
print.
Wimmen go through lots of things calm and patient that would make a man
flinch and shy off like a balky horse, and visey versey. I wouldn’t
want to represent Josiah lots of times, breakin’ colts, ploughin’
greensward, cuttin’ cord-wood etc., etc. Men and wimmen want equal
legal rights to represent themselves and their own sex which are
different, and always must be, and both sexes don’t want to be hampered
and sot down on by the other one. That is gauldin’ to human nater, male
or female.
We got a good place nigh the speakers’ stand, and we hadn’t stood there
long before the parade hove in sight, the yeller banners streamin’ out
like sunshine on a rainy day, police outriders, music, etc.
More than a hundred automobiles led the parade and five times as many
wimmen walkin’ afoot. A big grand-stand with the lady speakers and
their friends on it, all dressed pretty as pinks. For the old idee that
suffragists don’t care for attractive dress and domestic life wuz
exploded long ago, and many other old superstitions went up in the
blaze.
Those of us who have gray hair can remember when if a man spoke
favorably of women’s rights the sarcastic question was asked him: “How
old is Susan B. Anthony?”
And this fine wit and cuttin’ ridicule would silence argument and
quench the spirit of the upholder.
But the world moves. Susan’s memory is beloved and revered, and the
contemptious ridicule of the onthinkin’ and ignorant only nourished the
laurels the world lays on her tomb.
At that time accordin’ to popular opinion a suffragist wuz a slatternly
woman with uncombed locks, dangling shoe strings, and bloomers,
stridin’ through an unswept house onmindful of dirty children or hungry
husband, but the world moves onward and public opinion with it.
Suffragists are the best mothers, the best housekeepers, the best
dressers of any wimmen in the land. Search the records and you’ll find
it so, and why?
Because they know sunthin’, it takes common sense to make a gooseberry
pie as it ort to be. And the more a woman knows and the more justice
she demands, the better for her husband. The same sperit that rebels at
tyranny and injustice rebels at dirt, disorder, discomfort, and all
unpleasant conditions.
I looked ahead with my mind’s eye and see them pretty college girls
settled down in pleasant homes of their own, where sanitary laws
prevailed, where the babies wuzn’t fed pickles and cabbage, and kep’ in
air-tight enclosures. Where the husbands did not have to go outside
their own homes to find cheer and comfort, and intelligent
conversation, and where Love and Common Sense walked hand in hand
toward Happiness and Contentment, Justice, with her blinders offen her
eyes, goin’ ahead on ’em. I never liked the idee of Justice wearin’
them bandages over her eyes. She ort to have both eyes open; if anybody
ever needed good eyesight she duz, to choose the straight and narrer
road, lookin’ backward to see the mistakes she has made in the past,
so’s to shun ’em in the future, and lookin’ all round her in the
present to see where she can help matters, and lookin’ fur off in the
future to the bright dawn of a Tomorrow. To the shinin’ mount of Equal
Rights and full Liberty. Where she sees men and wimmen standin’ side by
side with no halters or hamperin’ hitchin’ straps on either on ’em. He
more gentle and considerate, and she less cowardly and emotional.
Good land! what could Justice do blind in one eye and wimmen on the
blind side? But good sensible wimmen are reachin’ up and pullin’ the
bandages offen her eyes. She’s in a fair way to git her eyesight. But
I’m eppisodin’, and to resoom forward.
VIII.
“OLD MOM NATER LISTENIN’”
There wuz some pleasant talkin’ and jokin’ between bystanders and
suffragettes, and then some good natured but keen and sensible
speeches. And one pretty speaker told about the doin’s at Albany and
Washington. How women’s respectful pleas for justice are treated there.
How the law-makers, born and nussed by wimmen and dependent on ’em for
comfort and happiness, use the wimmen’s tax money to help make laws
makin’ her of no legal importance only as helpless figgers to hang
taxation and punishment on.
Old Mom Nater had been listenin’ clost, her sky-blue eyes shinin’ with
joy to see her own sect present such a noble appearance in the parade.
But when these insults and indignities wuz brung up to her mind agin
and she realized afresh how wimmen couldn’t git no more rights accorded
to her than a dog or a hen, and worse. For a hen or a dog wouldn’t be
taxed to raise money for turkle soup and shampain to nourish the
law-makers whilst they made the laws agin ’em—Mom Nater’s eyes clouded
over with indignation and resentment, and she boo-hooed right out
a-cryin’. Helpless tears, of no more account than other females have
shed, and will, as they set on their hard benches with idiots,
lunaticks, and criminals.
Of course she wiped up her tears pretty soon, not willin’ to lose any
of the wimmen’s bright speeches. But when her tear-drops fell fast,
Josiah sez to me, “You’ll see them wimmen run like hikers now, wimmen
always thought more of shiffon and fol-de-rols than they did of
principle.”
But I sez, “Wait and see,” (we wuz under a awnin’ and protected).
But the young and pretty speaker who wore a light silk dress and
exquisite bunnet, kep’ right on talkin’ jest as calmly as if she didn’t
know her pretty dress wuz bein’ spilte and her bunnet gittin’ wet as
sop, and I sez to Josiah:
“When wimmen are so in earnest, and want anything so much they can
stand soakin’ in their best dresses, and let their Sunday bunnets be
spilte on their heads, not noticin’ ’em seemin’ly, but keep right on
pleadin’ for right and justice, they are in a fair way of gittin’ what
they are after.”
He looked kinder meachin’ but didn’t dispute me.
The speeches wuz beautiful and convincin’, and pretty soon old Mom
Nater stopped cryin’ to hear ’em, and she and I both listened full of
joy and happiness to see with what eloquence and justice our sect wuz
pleadin’ our cause. Their arguments wuz so reasonable and convincin’
that I said to myself, I don’t see how anybody can help bein’ converted
to this righteous cause, the liftin’ up of wimmen from her
uncomfortable crouchin’ poster with criminals and idiots, up to the
place she should occupy by the side of other good citizens of the
United States, with all the legal and moral rights that go with that
noble title.
And right whilst I wuz thinkin’ this, sunthin’ wuz happenin’ that
proved I wuz right in my eppisodin’, and somebody awful sot agin it wuz
bein’ converted then and there (but of this more anon and bom-bye). We
stayed till we heard the last word of the last speech, I happy and
proud in sperit, Lorinda partly converted, she couldn’t help it, though
she wouldn’t own up to it at that juncter. And Josiah lookin’ real
deprested, the thought of representin’ me wuz worryin’ him I knew, for
I hearn him say (soty vosy), “Represent wimmen or not, I hain’t goin’
to set up all night with no old woman, and lift her round, nor dry nuss
no twins.”
And thinkin’ his sperit wuz pierced to a sufficient depth by his
apprehension, so reason could be planted and take root, and he wouldn’t
be so anxious in the future to represent a woman, I told him what
Diantha said and we all went home in good sperits. The sun shone clear,
the rain had washed the face of the Earth till it shone, and everything
looked gay and joyous.
When we got to Lorinda’s we see a auto standin’ in front of the door
full of flowery branches in front and the pink posies lookin’ no more
bright and rosy than the faces of the two young folks settin’ there. It
wuz Polly and Royal.
It seemed that when he and Maud got back from the country (and they
didn’t stay long, Royal wuz so restless and oneasy) Maud insisted on
his takin’ her to the suffrage meetin’ jest to make fun on’t, so I
spoze. She thought she had rubbed out Polly’s image and made a
impression herself on Royal’s heart that only needed stompin’ in a
little deeper, and she thought ridicule would be the stomper she
needed.
But when they got to the meetin’ and he see Polly settin’ like a lily
amongst flowers, and read in her lovely face the earnest desire to lift
the burden from the heavy laden, comfort the sorrowful, right the
wrong, and do what she could in her day and generation—
I spoze his eyes could only see her sweet face. But he couldn’t help
his ears from hearin’ the reasonable, eloquent words of earnest and
womanly wimmen, so full of good sense and truth and justice that no
reasonable person could dispute ’em, and when he contrasted all this
with the sneerin’ face, the sarcastic egotistic prattle of Maud, the
veil dropped from his eyes, and he see with the New Vision.
You know how it wuz with Saul the Scoffer who went breathin’ out
vengeance, and Eternal Right stopped him on his way with its great
light. Well, I spoze it wuz a bright ray from that same light that
shone down into Royal’s heart and made him see. He wuz always good
hearted and generous—men have always been better than the laws they
have made. He left Maud at her home not fur away and hastened back,
way-laid Polly, and bore her home in triumph and a thirty-horse-power
car.
It don’t make much difference I spoze how or where anybody is
converted. The Bible speaks of some bein’ ketched out of the fire, and
I spoze it is about the same if they are ketched out of the rain.
’Tennyrate the same rain that washed some of the color off Maud’s
cheeks, seemed to wash away the blindin’ mist of prejudice and
antagonism from Royal’s mental vision, leavin’ his sperit ready for the
great white light of truth and justice to strike in. And that very day
and hour he come round to Polly’s way of thinkin’, and bein’ smart as a
whip and so rich, I suppose he will be a great accusation to the cause.
Well, the next day but one the Allens met in a pleasant grove on the
river shore and we had a good growin’ time. Royal bein’ as you may say
one of the family, took us all to the grove in his big tourin’ car, and
the fourth trip he took Polly alone, and wuzn’t it queer that, though
the load wuz fur lighter, it took him three times as long as the other
three trips together? Why, they never got there till dinner wuz on the
table, and then they didn’t seem to care a mite about the extra good
food.
But I made allowances, for as I looked into their glowin’ faces I
knowed they wuz partakin’ of fruit from the full branches of first
love, true love. Rich fruit that gives the divinest satisfaction of any
this old earth affords. Food that never changes through the centuries,
though fashion often changes, and riotous plenty or food famine may
exalt or depress the sperit of the householder. Nothin’ but time has
any power over this divine fruitage. He gradually, as the light of the
honeymoon wanes, whets his old scythe and mows down some of the
luxuriant branches, either cuttin’ a full swath, or one at a time, and
the blessed consumers have to come down to the ordinary food of
mortals. But this wuz still fur away from them.
And I knowed too that the ordinary food of ordinary mortals partook of
under the full harvest moon of domestic comfort and contentment wuz not
to be despised, though fur different. And the light fur different from
the glow and the glamour that wropped them two together and all the
rest of the world away from ’em.
But I’m eppisodin’ too much, and to resoom forward.
As I said, we had a happy growin’ time at the Reunion, Josiah bein’ in
fine feather to see the relation on his side presentin’ such a noble
appearance. And like a good wife I sympathized with him in his pride
and happiness, though I told him they didn’t present any better
appearance than the same number of Smiths would. And their cookin’,
though excellent, wuz no better than the Smiths could cook if they sot
out to.
He bein’ so good natered didn’t dispute me outright, but said he
thought the Allens made better nut-cakes than the Smiths.
But they don’t, no such thing. In fact I think the Smith nut-cakes are
lighter and have a more artistic twist to ’em and don’t devour so much
fat a-fryin’.
But I’d hate to set Josiah down to any better vittles. I d’no as I
would dast let him loose at the table at a Smith reunion, for he eat
fur too much as it wuz. I had to give him five pepsin lozengers and
some pepper tea. And then I looked out all night for night mairs to
ride on his chist. But he come through it alive though with
considerable pain.
We stayed two or three days longer with Lorinda, and then she and Hiram
went part way with us as we visited our way home. We’ve got relations
livin’ all along the river that we owed visits to. And we went to see a
number of ’em and enjoyed our four selves first rate. These things all
took place more than a year ago and another man sets in the high chair,
before which I laid Serepta’s errents, a man not so hefty mebby weighed
by common steelyards, but one of noble weight judged by mental and
moral scales.
I d’no whether I’d had any better luck if I’d presented Serepta’s
errents to him. Sometimes when I look in the kind eyes of his picter,
and read his noble and eloquent words that I believe come from his very
soul, I think mebby I’d been more lucky if he’d sot in the chair that
day. But then I d’no, there are so many influences and hendrances
planted like thorns in the cushion of that chair that a man, no matter
how earnest he strives to do jest right, can’t help bein’ pricked by
’em and held back. And I know he could never done them errents in the
time she sot, but I’m in hopes he’ll throw his powerful influence jest
as fur as he can on the side of right, and justice to all the citizens
of the U.S., wimmen as well as men.
’Tennyrate, he has showed more heroism now than many soldiers who risk
life on the battle field. For the worst foe to fight and conquer is
Ridicule; and he and others in high places have attackted Fashion so
entrenched in the solid armour of Habit that most public men wouldn’t
have dasted to take arms agin it.
And the long waves of Time must swash up agin the shores of Eternity,
before the good it has done can be estimated. How fur the influence has
extended. How many weak wills been strengthened. How many broken hearts
healed. How many young lives inspired to nobler and saner living.
But to resoom forward, I can’t nor won’t carry them errents of
Serepta’s there again. It is too wearin’ for one of my age and my
rheumatiz. What a tedious time I did put in there. It wuz a day long to
be remembered by me.
IX.
THE WOMEN’S PARADE
Josiah come home from Jonesville one day, all wrought up. He’d took off
a big crate of eggs and got returns from several crates he’d sent to
New York, an’ he sez to me:
“That consarned Middleman is cheatin’ me the worst kind. I know the
yaller Plymouth Rock eggs ort to bring mor’n the white Leghorns;
they’re bigger and it stands to reason they’re worth more, and he don’t
give nigh so much. I believe he eats ’em himself and that’s why he
wants to git ’em cheaper.”
“No Middleman,” sez I, “could eat fifty dozen a week.”
“He could if he eat enough at one time. ’Tennyrate, I’m goin’ to New
York to see about it.”
“When are you goin’?” sez I.
“I’m goin’ to-morrow mornin’. I’m goin’ in onexpected and I lay out to
catch him devourin’ them big eggs himself.”
“Oh, shaw!” sez I. “The idee!”
“Well, I say the Trusts and Middlemen are dishonest as the old Harry.
Don’t you remember what one on ’em writ to Uncle Sime Bentley and what
he writ back? He’d sent a great load of potatoes to him and he didn’t
get hardly anything for ’em, only their big bill for sellin’ ’em. They
charged him for freightage, carage, storage, porterage, weightage, and
to make their bill longer, they put in _ratage_ and _satage_.
“Uncle Sime writ back ‘You infarnel thief, you, put in “stealage” and
keep the whole on’t.’”
But I sez, “They’re not all dishonest. There are good men among ’em as
well as bad.”
“Well, I lay out to see to it myself, and if they ever charge me for
‘ratage’ and ‘satage’ I’m goin’ to see what they are, and how they
look.”
“Well,” sez I, “if you’re bound to go, I’ll get up and get a good
breakfast and go with you.” It was the day of the Woman’s Suffrage
Parade and I wanted to see it. I wanted to like a dog, and had ever
since I hearn of it. Though some of the Jonesvillians felt different.
The Creation Searchin’ Society wuz dretful exercised about it. The
President’s stepma is a strong She Aunty and has always ruled Philander
with an iron hand. I’ve always noticed that women who didn’t want any
rights always took the right to have their own way. But ’tennyrate
Philander come up a very strong He Aunty. And he felt that the Creation
Searchers ort to go to New York that day to assist the Aunties in
sneerin’ at the marchers, writin’ up the parade, and helpin’ count ’em.
Philander wuz always good at figures, specially at subtraction, and he
and his Step Ma thought he ort to be there to help.