A NOCTURNAL INTRUSION
"Oh, but I say, it's impossible, you know!" And I stared at Jenkins
incredulously.
He grinned foolishly. "I know, sir; but he's in 'em, just the same, and
I must say they do fit lovely--just easy-like."
"By Jove!" I gasped helplessly. "Then the jolly things must be made of
rubber, that's all! Why, look here, he weighs over three hundred pounds,
you know!"
Jenkins' head wagged sagaciously. "I think that's how it is, sir; it's
wonderful what they do with rubber now; my brother wears a rubber cloth
bandage that ain't no bigger 'round than my arm when it's off of him,
and he--"
"Dare say," I said sleepily as I fell back upon my pillow. "Good night,
Jenkins; hope you'll get enough sleep to make up for the other night."
Jenkins sighed as he punched out the light. "Thank you, sir--and good
night," he murmured.
How long I slept I can not tell, as they say in stories, you know; but I
was brought jolly wide awake by a light that shone through the
bedroom's open door. For if there's one thing will wake me quicker than
everything else it's a light in the room at night. Fact is, I always
want it as black as the what's-its-name cave, or else I can't sleep. And
this light came from the small electric stand on the writing-desk. I
could tell that by the way it shone.
And just then the little silver gong in there chimed three. Jolly rum
hour for anybody to be up unless they were having some fun or were sick.
So I raised my head and called softly:
"Jenkins--er--Billings!"
No answer. Reluctantly I swung out and stepped within the next room. Not
a soul there, by Jove! Then I moved over to Billings' door, which was
wide open for coolness, like my own. I could not see the shadowed alcove
in which the bed was placed, and so I stood there hesitating, hating
awfully to risk the possibility of disturbing him, don't you know. And
just then my eyes, ranging sleepily across the room toward the private
hall, were startled by the apparition of an open doorway.
Startled, all right! And yet, by Jove, I was in such a jolly fog, I just
stood there, nodding and batting at it for a full minute before I could
take it in.
"What I call devilish queer," I decided. I walked over and stuck my head
out into the dark hall.
"Billings! Jenkins!" I whispered.
By Jove, not a word! Everything as silent as the tomb!
I didn't like it a bit--so mysterious, you know. Besides, dash it, the
thing was getting me all waked up! I just knew if once I got excited and
thoroughly awake, it would take me nearly ten minutes to get to sleep
again. And, by Jove, just then the excitement came, for I got hold of
the fact after I had stared at it a while, that the door of my apartment
opening into the outer corridor was standing ajar. Why, dash it, it was
not only standing, it was moving. Then suddenly the broad streak of
light from the corridor widened under the impulse of a freshening
breeze, and the door swung open with a bang.
And then I heard my name spoken.
By Jove, I had been standing there with my mouth open, bobbing my head
like a silly dodo; but, give you my word, I was suddenly wide awake as a
jolly owl wagon!
Away down the corridor, by the mail chute, a man was standing, reading a
framed placard. Nothing particularly remarkable in this, but as the door
banged he turned his head sharply and ejaculated:
"Dammit! Now, that will wake Lightnut!"
I was surprised, because I couldn't recall ever having seen him before;
yet, standing as he did under the light, I had opportunity for a
devilish good view.
He was a heavy set old party, rather baldish, with snowy mutton chops
and a beefy complexion that was jolly well tanned below the hatband
line, you know. The kind of old boy you size up as one of the prime
feeder sort and fond of looking on the wine when it is Oporto red. Had
something of the cut of the retired India colonels one sees about the
Service clubs in London--straight as a lamp post still, but out of
training and in devilish need of tapping--that sort of duck, you know!
What a respectable-looking old party might be up to, wandering around a
bachelor apartment building at three in the morning, was none of my
business. What's more, you know, I didn't care a jolly hang. But the
thing that dashed me was that just as I moved toward the door to close
it, he uttered my name again and came straight toward me as though to
speak.
So I had to wait, by Jove, for I couldn't close the door in his face.
Awfully rotten thing to do--that, you know.
"Lost his floor and wants to inquire," I decided.
And then as he toddled across the last yard and stopped before me, I saw
that the old chap was in his night things--some darkish sort of pajamas.
His bushy white eyebrows puckered in a frown.
"Hello! Just afraid my moving around was going to get you up--infernal
shame!" he said in a thunder growl.
I smiled feebly but politely. "Devilish considerate old cock," was my
thought. "Means well."
Aloud I said: "Not at all, you know. Up anyhow."
Then I moved the door just a little--just a wee suggestive inch or two,
you know, hoping he would go.
But, by Jove, he just walked right in!
Then he leaned against the wall in the corridor and chuckled.
"By George!" he exclaimed with a leer that showed his almost toothless
old gums. "Bet you never would guess what I got up for!"
No, dash it, I didn't even care to try. I just coughed a little.
"He, he!" he giggled. "Woke up and remembered had promised Flossie
Fandango of _The Parisian Broilers_ a box of steamer flowers. Gad, she
sails at ten; so I piled out and shot off a note to my florist, special
delivery. Been trying to find out from that infernal card back there
when's the first collection from the box below. You don't know, do you?"
By Jove, one of those foot-in-the-grave old stage-door Johnnies! The
surprise took my breath.
"Why, the cheesy old sport!" I thought disgustedly. And I answered
rather coldly: "Sorry, you know; no idea." And I opened the door wide.
But the old rascal never moved; just stood there, chuckling horribly.
"Well, she'll be back in the fall," he cackled. "And see here, old chap,
will introduce you if you like. You need waking up!"
And here I gave a jump and yelled "Ouch!"
For the old fool had dug his thumb into my ribs. Only then did it dawn
on me that he was drunk. Of course that was it, and unless I got rid of
him the old bore would stand and twaddle the rest of the night. I
reached for his hand and shook it.
"We'll have a talk about it some time," I said pleasantly. "Just now,
don't you think we'd better each get to bed? So devilish late, you
know."
He slapped me on the shoulder with a blow that almost brought me to the
floor. Felt like he struck me with a ham, don't you know!
"Right, old chap," he said; "very delicately put; won't keep you up
another minute. Believe I'd like a drink first, though, if you don't
mind."
Devilish bored as I was, I decided the easiest escape was to humor him.
"All right," I said, leaving the door open and stepping into the room;
"I'll get you a glass of water."
"Water!" he exclaimed, following me right in. "Say, don't get funny;
it's not becoming to you." He leered at me hideously.
He went right to the corner where stood my cellarette. By Jove, give you
my word I was so devilish stupefied I couldn't bring out a word. I
wasn't sure what was coming, and as I didn't want Billings' rest
disturbed, I quietly closed the door of his room.
The old cock in the black pajamas had uncorked a bottle and was smelling
its contents. He grimaced over his shoulder.
"That's infernally rotten Scotch, I say!" he exclaimed with a sort of
snort. "Regular sell, by George!"
I was glad Billings didn't hear him, for it had been a present from him
only the week before.
"Suppose I'll have to go the rye," he grumbled; and, grinning at me
familiarly, he poured himself a drink. He tossed it off, neat. I
reflected that perhaps he would go quietly now.
"Well," I said, advancing, "I expect you're anxious to get to your
quarters, so I'll say good night." I extended my hand. "That ought to
fetch him," I thought, "if he's a gentleman, no matter how jolly corked
he may be."
In my grasp his hand felt like a small boxing glove, but when I glanced
at it I saw that it was not unusual.
The old duck pumped my arm solemnly and cast his eyes to the ceiling.
"Fa-are-we-e-ll, old f-friend!" he murmured in a husky tremolo,
deflecting the corners of his mouth and wagging his bald pate. "If I
don't see you again I'll have the river dragged!"
And then, instead of going, dash me if the old fool didn't flop down
into Billings' favorite chair and reach for Billings' cigarettes that he
had left on the tabouret.
He waved his hand at me. "Oh, you go on to bed, Lightnut," he said,
puffing away with iron nerve. "All the sleep's out of me, dammit! I'll
just sit here and read and smoke as long as I like, then I'll go in
there and turn in." A jerk of his doddering head indicated Billings'
room.
By Jove, I hardly knew what to do! I was regularly bowled over, don't
you know. I was up against a crisis--that's what--a crisis.
"Oh, I say, you know--" I started remonstrating, and just then I gasped
with relief at the welcome sight of Jenkins, peeking round the
door-frame behind my visitor's back. His finger was on his lips and he
beckoned me earnestly.
At the same moment old whiskers shoved his chair up to the table,
switched on the reading-lamp and reached for a magazine.
"I'm on, sir," whispered Jenkins, as I joined him and we stepped aside.
"Hadn't I better ring up the janitor on my house 'phone?"
"By Jove, the very thing!" I agreed. "For he'll know where this chap
belongs. A fiver, tell him, if he gets a move on. Hurry!"
I slipped back into the room as Jenkins disappeared. The jolly old
barnacle had discarded his cigarette and was critically selecting a
cigar from my humidor.
"I don't see why the devil you don't go to bed," he said, fixing himself
comfortably with two chairs and lighting up.
"I--I'm not sleepy," I stammered, perching on the corner of a chair.
"I believe you're lying," he growled, scowling at me; "but if you're
not sleepy, listen to this joke here--it's a chestnut, but it's
infernally good."
I never did know what the joke was, for I was listening for other sounds
as he read. Suddenly I heard a whistle far down in the street; and I
thought it was followed by a patter of running feet.
Then came the quivering rhythm of the elevator rapidly ascending, and
while the anecdote was still being droned out between chuckles, I
slipped out again into the hall and rejoined Jenkins.
"Janitor says there's no such tenant in this building as I described,"
Jenkins imparted hurriedly. "Might be a guest, of course; but he doesn't
remember ever seeing him. So he whistled for a cop, to be on the safe
side, and caught two. Here they are, sir."
Out from the elevator sprang the janitor, half-dressed and looking
excited. Close on his heels came two big policemen.
I stepped into the outer corridor and explained the situation. The
officers nodded reassuringly.
"'Nough said," one of them commented. "We'll have him out, sir."
The janitor, who had been cautiously sighting through the door within,
came running out.
"He shifted around while I was looking, and I got a good look at him,"
he said with some excitement, "and I never saw him before. I wouldn't
forget _that_ mug!"
"Suppose you take a squint at him yourself, O'Keefe," suggested the
taller of the coppers. "You've been on this beat so long."
In a minute or two O'Keefe came slipping back hurriedly. He drew his
companion aside.
"Tell you what, Tim," I heard him say, "do you know, I'm after thinking
it looks like old Braxton, known in the perfesh as 'Foxy Grandpa.' He's
a swell con man, but has just finished a stretch at Copper John's for
going through a flat in the Bronx. He's done murder once."
The other turned to me.
"May save a muss in your rooms if you'll just kinder call him out, sir,"
he suggested. "It will be simpler." He grinned significantly and glanced
at his night stick.
"By Jove!" I ejaculated, looking at Jenkins. "By Jove, you know!"
Jenkins coughed. "Just say you want to speak to him a minute, sir," he
said. "They'll do the rest--h'm!"
They all followed me into the hall, and I stepped to the doorway. And
then I almost pitched forward, I was so devilish startled.
For, as a crowning example of his daring and reckless conduct, the hoary
old reprobate was emerging from Billings' room, his fingers overhauling
the contents of my friend's wallet, even as he waddled along, and so
absorbed that he never even saw me.
"Ah!" he breathed in a heavy sigh of satisfaction; and out came his
fingers, and in them, poised aloft, he held the ruby I had given to
Billings. His bleary eyes gloated at it.
"Mine!" he whispered. "Mine now to keep forever!"