"When I left Bond Street that afternoon I was full of disbelief.
However, I had paid my half-guinea and escaped from my own core of
misery for a quarter of an hour. That was something. I didn't regret my
visit to this man Vane, whom I regarded as an agreeable charlatan. For a
moment he had interested me. For a moment he had helped me to forget my
useless wretchedness. I ought to have been grateful to him. And, as
always, my soul regained its composure at last. One morning I awoke and
said to myself that I was happy. Why? I did not know. But I got up. I
was able to write once more. I was able to play. I felt that I had
friends who loved me and a career before me. I could again look people
in the face without fear. I could even feel a certain delightful conceit
of mind and body. Bernard, I was myself. So I thought, so I knew. And
yet, as days went by, I caught myself often thinking of this invisible,
tonsured, and cowled companion of mine, whom Vane had seen, whom I did
not see. Was he indeed with me? And, if so, had he thoughts, had he the
holy thoughts of a spirit that has renounced the world and all fleshly
things? Did he still keep that cloistered nature which is at home with
silence, which aspires, and prays, and lives for possible eternity,
instead of for certain time? Did he still hold desolate vigils? Did he
still scourge himself along the thorny paths of faith? And, if he did,
how must he regard me?
"I remember one night especially how this last thought was with me in a
dreary house, where I sinned, and where I dissected a heart.
"And I trembled as if an eye was upon me. And I went home.
"You will say that my imagination is keen, and that I gave way to it.
But wait and hear the end.
"This definite act of mine--this, my first conscious renunciation--did
not tend, as you might suppose, to the peace of my mind. On the
contrary, I found myself angry, perturbed, as I analysed the cause of my
warfare with self. I have naturally a supreme hatred of all control.
Liberty is my fetish. And now I had offered a sacrifice to a prisoning
unselfishness, to a false god that binds and gags its devotees. I was
angry, and I violently resumed my former course. But now I began to be
ceaselessly companioned by uneasiness, by a furtive cowardice that was
desolating. I felt that I was watched, and by some one who suffered when
I sinned, who shrank and shuddered when I followed where my desires led.
"It was the monk.
"Soon I gave to him a most definite personality. I endowed him with a
mind and with moods. I imagined not only a heart for him, but a voice,
deep with a certain ecclesiastical beauty, austere, with a note more apt
for denunciation than for praise. His face was my own face, but with an
expression not mine, elevated, almost fanatical, yet nobly beautiful;
praying eyes--and mine were only observant; praying lips--and mine were
but sensitively sensual. And he was haggard with abstinence, while
I--was I not often haggard with indulgence? Yes, his face was mine, and
not mine. It seemed the face of a great saint who might have been a
great sinner. Bernard, that is the most attractive face in all the
world. Accustoming myself thus to a thought-companion, I at length--for
we men are so inevitably materialistic--embodied him, gave to him hands,
feet, a figure, all--as before, mine, yet not mine, a sort of saintly
replica of my sinfulness. For do not hands, feet, figure cry our deeds
as the watchman cries the hour in the night?
"So, I had the man. There he stood in my vision as you are now.
"Yes, he was there; but only when I sinned.
"When I worked and yielded myself up to the clear assertion of my
intellect, when I fought to give out the thoughts that lingered like
reluctant fish far down in the deep pools of my mind, when I wrestled
for beauty of diction and for nameless graces of expression, when I was
the author, I could not see him.
"But when I was the man, and lived the fables that I was afterwards to
write, then he was with me. And his face was as the face of one who is
wasted with grey grief.
"He came to me when I sinned, as if by my sins I did him grave injury.
And, allowing my imagination to range wildly, as you will say, I grew
gradually to feel as if each sin did indeed strike a grievous blow upon
his holy nature.
"This troubled me at last. I found myself continually brooding over the
strange idea. I was aware that if my friends could know I entertained
it, they would think me mad. And yet I often fancied that thought moved
me in the direction of a sanity more perfect, more desirable than my
sanity of self-indulgence. Sometimes even I said to myself that I would
reorganise my life, that I would be different from what I had been. And
then, again, I laughed at my folly of the imagination, and cursed that
clairvoyant of Bond Street, who made a living by trading upon the latent
imbecility of human nature. Yet, the desire of change, of
soul-transformation, came and lingered, and the vision of the monk's
worn young face was often with me. And whenever, in my waking dreams, I
looked upon it, I felt that a time might come when I could pray and weep
for the wild catalogue of my many sins.
* * * * *
"Bernard, at last the day came when I left England. I had long wished to
travel. I had grown tired of the hum of literary cliques, and the jargon
of that deadly parasite called 'modernity.' Praise fainted, and lay like
a corpse before my mind. I was sick of gaiety. It seemed to me that
London was stifling my powers, narrowing my outlook, barring out real
life from me with its moods and its fashions, and its idols of the hour,
and its heroes of a day, who are the traitors of the day's night.
"So I went away.
"And now I come to the part of my story that you may find it hard to
believe. Yet it is true.
"One day, in my wanderings, I came to a monastery. I remember the day
well. It was an afternoon of early winter, and I was _en route_ to a
warm climate. But to gain my climate, and snatch a vivid contrast such
as I love, I toiled over a gaunt and dreary pass, presided over by
heavy, beetling-browed mountains. I rode upon a mule, attended only by
my manservant and by a taciturn guide who led a baggage-mule. Slowly we
wound, by thin paths, among the desolate crags, which sprang to sight in
crowds at each turn of the way, pressing upon us, like dead faces of
Nature, the corpses of things we call inanimate, but which had surely
once lived. For the earth is alive, and gives life. But these mountains
were now utterly dead. These grey, petrified countenances of the hills
subdued my soul. The pattering shuffle of the mules woke an occasional
echo, and even an echo I hated. For the environing silence was immense,
and I wished to steep myself in it. As we still ascended, in the waste
winter afternoon, towards the hour of twilight, snow--the first snow of
the season--began to fall. I watched the white vision of the flakes
against the grey vision of the crags, and I thought that this path,
which I had chosen as my road to Summer, was like the path by which holy
men slowly gain Paradise, treading difficult ways through life that they
may attain at last those eternal roses which bloom beyond the granite
and the snows. Up and up I rode, into the clouds and the night, into the
veil of the world, into the icy winds of the heights. An eagle screamed
above my head, poised like a black shadow in the opaque gloom. That
flying life was the only life in this waste.
"And then my mule, edging ever to the precipice as a man to his fate,
sidled round a promontory of rock and set its feet in snow. For we had
passed the snow-line. And upon the snow lay thin spears of yellow light.
They streamed from the lattices of the monastery which crowns the very
summit of the pass.