SUDDENLY, in the midst of greatest despair youth and chance led me to
commit an act that decided my fate.
I had written my mistress saying that I never wished to see her again; I
kept my word, but I passed the nights under her window, seated on a bench
before her door. I could see the lights in her room, I could hear the
sound of her piano, at times I saw something that looked like a shadow
through the partially drawn curtains.
One night, as I was seated on the bench, plunged in frightful melancholy,
I saw a belated workman staggering along the street. He muttered a few
words in a dazed manner and then began to sing. He was so much under the
influence of liquor that he walked at times on one side of the gutter and
then on the other. Finally he fell on a bench facing another house
opposite me. There he lay still, supported on his elbows, and slept
profoundly.
The street was deserted, a dry wind swept the dust here and there; the
moon shone through a rift in the clouds and lighted the spot where the
man slept. So I found myself tete-a-tete with this man who, not
suspecting my presence, was sleeping on that stone bench as peacefully as
though in his own bed.
He served to divert my grief; I arose to leave him in full possession,
then returned and resumed my seat. I could not leave that door at which I
would not have knocked for an empire. Finally, after walking up and down
for a few times I stopped before the sleeper.
"What sleep!" I said. "Surely this man does not dream. His clothes are in
tatters, his cheeks are wrinkled, his hands hardened with toil; he is
some unfortunate who does not have bread every day. A thousand gnawing
cares, a thousand mortal sorrows await his return to consciousness;
nevertheless, this evening he had a piece of money in his pocket, he
entered a tavern where he purchased oblivion; he has earned enough in a
week to enjoy a night of slumber and he has perhaps purchased it at the
expense of his children's supper. Now his mistress can betray him, his
friend can glide like a thief into his hut; I could shake him by the
shoulder and tell him that he is being murdered, that his house is on
fire; he would turn over and continue to sleep.
"And I, I do not sleep," I continued pacing up and down the street, "I do
not sleep, I who have enough in my pocket at this moment to purchase
sleep for a year; I am so proud and so foolish that I dare not enter a
tavern, and I do not understand that if all unfortunates enter there, it
is in order that they may come out happy. Oh! God! the juice of a grape
crushed under the foot suffices to dissipate the deepest sorrow and to
break all the invisible threads that the fates weave about our pathway.
We weep like women, we suffer like martyrs; in our despair it seems that
the world is crumbling under our feet and we sit down in our tears as did
Adam at Eden's gate. And in order to cure our wound we have but to make a
movement of the hand and moisten our throats. How pitiable our grief
since it can be thus assuaged. We are surprised that Providence does not
send angels to grant our prayers; it need not take the trouble, for it
has seen our woes, it knows our desires, our pride and bitterness, the
ocean of evil that surrounds us, and is content to hang a small black
fruit along our paths. Since that man sleeps so soundly on his bench why
do not I sleep on mine? My rival is doubtless passing the night with my
mistress; he will leave her at daybreak; she will accompany him to the
door and they will see me asleep on my bench. Their kisses will not
awaken me, and they will shake me by the shoulder; I will turn over on
the other side and sleep on."
Thus, inspired by a fierce joy, I set out in quest of a tavern. As it was
past midnight some were closed; that put me in a fury. "What!" I cried,
"even that consolation is refused me!" I ran hither and thither knocking
at the doors of taverns crying: "Wine! Wine!"
At last I found one open; I called for a bottle and without caring
whether it was good or bad I gulped it down; a second followed and then a
third. I dosed myself as with medicine, and I forced the wine down as
though it had been prescribed by a physician to save my life.
The heavy fumes of the liquor, which was doubtless adulterated, mounted
to my head. As I had gulped it down at a breath, drunkenness seized me
promptly; I felt that I was becoming muddled, then I experienced a lucid
moment, then confusion followed. Then consciousness left me, I leaned my
elbows on the table and said adieu to myself.
But I had a confused idea that I was not alone in the tavern. At the
other end of the room stood a hideous group with haggard faces and harsh
voices. Their dress indicated that they belonged to the poorer class but
were not bourgeois; in short they belonged to that ambiguous class, the
vilest of all, which has neither fortune nor occupation, which never
works except at some criminal plot, which is neither poor nor rich and
combines the vices of one class with the misery of the other.
They were disputing over a dirty pack of cards; among them I saw a girl
who appeared to be very young and very pretty, decently clad, and
resembling her companions in no way, except in the harshness of her
voice, which was rough and broken as though it had performed the office
of public crier. She looked at me closely as though astonished to see me
in such a place, for I was elegantly attired. Little by little she
approached my table, and seeing that all the bottles were empty, smiled.
I saw that she had fine teeth of brilliant whiteness; I took her hand and
begged her to be seated; she consented with good grace and asked what we
should have for supper.
I looked at her without saying a word, while my eyes began to fill with
tears; she observed my emotion and inquired the cause. I could not reply.
She understood that I had some secret sorrow and forebore any attempt to
learn the cause; drawing her handkerchief she dried my tears from time to
time as we dined.
There was something about that girl that was at once repulsive and sweet,
a singular impudence mingled with pity, that I could not understand. If
she had taken my hand in the street she would have inspired a feeling of
horror in me, but it seemed so strange that a creature I had never seen
should come to me, and without a word, proceed to order supper and dry my
tears with her handkerchief that I was rendered speechless, revolted and
yet charmed. What I had done had been done so quickly that I seemed to
have obeyed some impulse of despair. Perhaps I was a fool or the victim
of some supernal caprice.
"Who are you?" I suddenly cried out; "what do you want of me? How do you
know who I am? Who told you to dry my tears? Is this your vocation and do
you think I desire you? I would not touch you with the tip of my finger.
What are you doing here? Reply at once. Is it money you want? What price
do you put on your pity?"
I arose and tried to go out, but my feet refused to support me. At the
same time my eyes failed me, a mortal weakness took possession of me and
I fell over a chair.
"You are not well," she said, taking me by the arm, "you have drunk, like
the child that you are, without knowing what you were doing. Sit down in
this chair and wait until a cab passes. You will tell me where you live
and I will order the driver to take you home to your mother, since," she
added, "you really find me ugly."
As she spoke I raised my eyes. Perhaps my drunkenness deceived me, or
perhaps I had not seen her face clearly before, but suddenly I detected
in that unfortunate a fatal resemblance to my mistress. I shuddered at
the sight. There is a certain shudder that affects the hair; some say it
is death passing over the head, but it was not death that passed over
mine.
It was the malady of the age, or rather that girl was it herself; and it
was she who, with her pale, half-mocking features, came and seated
herself before me near the door of the tavern.