about Scotland, seen the sights, visited the Highlands, shot some
grouse,--and a pretty job I made of that, umph!--I returned to
Edinburgh, and began to be anxious to get back to London. I therefore
took the resolution of killing myself forthwith."
"Horrible!" said I.
"Most horrible!" replied he; "nevertheless, I put that resolve into
immediate execution."
"How?" I inquired.
"By transmitting an account of my death to the metropolitan
newspapers in these words--'Died, at Antigua, on the 15th March, in
the 28th year of his age, Robert Fergusson Daly, Esq., son of the
late Thomas Fergusson Daly, Esq., of St. Mary Axe, London.'"
"What earthly purpose could that have answered?"
"You shall hear," said Daly. "About ten days after this announcement,
having 'incurred' for a suit of mourning, I proceeded to my friend
the upholsterer. Dear man, I recollect his little white bald head
peering over his desk in the counting-house as well as if it were but
yesterday--in I went--made a bow--up jumped my creditor.
"'Ah, Mr. Daly,' cried he, 'then what I have read in the newspaper is
not true!--you are alive and merry.'
"Upon which I, looking as grave as a judge, said with a long-drawn
sigh, 'Sir, I see you have fallen into the common mistake.'
"'Mistake, sir,' said he, 'no mistake in the world! Why, I read in
the newspapers that you were dead. How those fellows do fib!'
"'In this instance,' I replied, 'they are as true as the tides to the
moon--or the needle to the Pole.'
"'Why,' cried he, 'you are not dead, for here you are!'
"'So I am,' said I; 'but I am not the Mr. Daly who died in Antigua.'
"'That's very clear,' said the old cabinet-maker; 'for, as I said
before, here you are.'
"'Still,' said I, 'sir,'--I thought the sir good--'you do not
understand: I am the brother--the twin brother of poor Bob Daly who
lived here with you, and who has died, as I unfortunately know, deep
in your debt.'
"'What!' exclaimed the upholsterer, '_you_ his brother!
Impossible--ridiculous! Why, I should know you from a thousand by
that little knob on your nose.'
"'That may be, sir,' said I; 'but I was born with a knob on my nose
as well as my brother. I assure you he is in his grave at Antigua.'
"This astounded him, and he was proceeding to ring the bell in order
to call up the housemaid, who had made herself particularly familiar
with my knob, in order to identify me, when I pacified him by fresh
assurances that he was mistaken, and that I was come to settle the
account due from my late brother to himself."
"This," said I, "was all very funny, no doubt; but _cui bono_?"
"_Nous verrons_," said Daly. "The moment I talked of paying, all
doubt ended; he felt convinced that it could not be me; for he was
quite of opinion that at that time I had no notion of muddling away
my income in paying bills. So he listened, looking all the while at
my knob--you see the thing I mean, Mr. Gurney," said Daly, pointing
to a pimple; "till at last I begged to see his account--he produced
it--I sighed--so did he.
"'Sir,' said he, 'this is--dear me, is it possible two people should
be so much alike?--your brother's last account before he went.'
"I could not help saying, 'He is gone to his last account now, sir.'
If it had been to save my life, I could never check my fun.
"'Lord, how like Mr. Robert that is!' said the upholsterer.
"'What is the amount?' said I.
"'Fourteen hundred and seventy-two pounds, thirteen shillings, and
ninepence halfpenny. As for interest, Mr. Daly, I don't want it.'
"'Sir,' said I, drawing out of my pocket a handkerchief whiter than
unsunned snow, 'I honour and reverence you. I can now account for
the high respect and veneration with which my poor brother Bob used
to speak of you and write about you. You shall judge what he has
done;--he has died worth three thousand five hundred pounds; the
claims upon him are numerous and heavy; in his letter, the last I
ever received from him, he directs me to make an equitable division
of his property.'
"'Poor fellow!' said the cabinet-maker.
"'An innocent young creature, with three children,' said I, 'first
claims his care.'
"'Dear me!' said the man. 'Rely upon it I won't interfere there. No,
no. I gave him credit further than he asked it. I won't visit his
sins upon those who, perhaps, are helpless, and certainly blameless
in this affair.'
"There was something so kind in this, that I was near betraying
myself; but I should have spoiled the joke.
"'After those,' continued I, 'you come next; and, having divided
his assets fairly, he decided that he could, acting conscientiously
towards others, afford to pay you five shillings in the pound
upon the amount due; and, accordingly, I have brought you to-day
a sum calculated at that rate--that is to say, three hundred and
sixty-eight pounds, thirteen shillings and sixpence, for I don't
descend to fractions.'
"'Well, now,' said the honest old man, 'I love and honour him for
that. He needn't have paid me a farthing. I knew not where he
was;--and to think of me on his death-bed!--that, sir, shows good
principle; and as you are so like him in everything else,--and how
like him you are, to be sure!--I hope and trust--don't be angry,
sir--that you will follow the example he has set you in the last act
of his life.'
"'Then,' said I, 'you accept the proposal?'
"'Most happily, sir,' said he. 'I tell you I honour his feelings. I
had given the whole thing up as lost: I thought he was a hard-hearted
and a practised taker-in of credulous men----'
"'Sir,' said I, bowing, 'you little knew my poor brother Bob if you
thought that. Here, sir, is the money; all I ask, as a satisfaction
to the interesting young creature who survives him, is a receipt in
full of all demands as against him.'
"'In course, Mr. Daly,' said the upholsterer, taking the notes I
proffered. 'Why, la!' exclaimed he, 'I declare you have got the very
ring on, that I have seen a hundred times, with a leetel patent key
twisted into the inside, that he used to wear.'
"'Yes,' said I, rather taken aback at this; for with all my cunning I
had forgotten to disring my finger for the occasion. 'Yes, it was the
only thing he left me; and I wear it for his sake.'
"'And how well it fits!' said the cabinet-maker.
"'Often the case with twins,' said I. 'There are two hundred,
three hundred, and fifty, a ten pound note, eight guineas, and five
shillings and sixpence; count it yourself.
"'And now,' said he, 'I am to give you a receipt in full; to be sure
I will. But I do wish you would do me one favour, sir,' continued he;
'I wish you would let my housemaid Becky see you; she was very fond
of your poor brother, and very attentive to him, and I should--I know
it is taking a great liberty--I should like her to see you.'
"'I should be too happy,' said I, trembling at the apprehension that
the girl, who was more than usually civil to me while I lived in the
lodgings, should make her appearance, convinced that she would not be
deceived as to the identity, or believe in the story of two brothers
having the same knobs on their noses; 'but don't you think it might
shock the poor young woman?'
"'No, no, sir,' said he, looking over a black leather book for a
proper stamp; 'Becky isn't frightened at trifles; shall I ring?'
"I could not help myself, and Becky was summoned. Luckily, however,
she had just stepped out to get something, and satisfied, by the way
in which the other servant conveyed the intelligence to her master,
that it was not very probable she would soon return, I screwed my
courage to the sticking-place, and remained until he had written,
signed, and delivered my entire acquittance from my whole debt, in
consideration of the receipt of three hundred and sixty-eight pounds
thirteen shillings and sixpence; having secured which, I made my bow
and left my upholsterer, not ill pleased with the adventure of the
day."
"Yes, sir," said I, after I had heard this narrative, "but I see no
joke in all this: it appears to me that a person less favourably
disposed than myself would find a very different name for such a
proceeding."
"So would anybody," said my valuable friend, "if it were not for
the sequel. A short time after, I had the means to set all right,
and lost no time in doing so; I confessed my _ruse_ to my worthy
friend, made him laugh heartily at his own credulity, paid him the
difference, and gave Becky a guinea or two."
I honestly confess, that although my new friend polished off the
end of his story with a few retributive facts, the account of his
adventure with the cabinet-maker did not very much elevate him in
my opinion, and I began again to repent of having hastily engaged
myself as a passenger in his boat, so appropriately, as he himself
said, called a "funny." The only consolation I could afford myself
arose from the consideration that our connection would not be of long
duration--that it need never be renewed--that few people, if any,
would see me in my way up the river--and that, from all I had heard
of him from himself, he did not appear likely to die a watery death,
so that my personal safety was rather guaranteed than not, by my
having placed myself under his command in our aquatic excursion.
I had never seen such a man before, nor have I ever seen such a one
since: from the time he sat down to dinner till all was done, his
tongue never ceased--he was _au-fait_ at everything--played billiards
better than anybody I ever saw--jumped higher--imitated birds and
beasts, including men, women, and children, more correctly--caught
more fish in an hour than all the rest of the punters did in
three--sang all sorts of songs--made speeches--and told stories of
himself which would have made my poor mother's hair stand on end.
One of his practical jokes, played off upon one of the ladies of our
party, I must set down. She had never been at Richmond before, or if
she had, knew none of the little peculiarities attached to it. He
desired the waiter to bring some "maids of honour"--those cheesecakes
for which the place has been time out of mind so celebrated. The lady
stared and then laughed; Daly saw her surprise, and elicited all
he wanted--her innocent question of, "What do you mean by maids of
honour?" "Dear me," said he, "don't you know that this is so courtly
a place, and so completely under the influence of state etiquette,
that everything in Richmond is called after the functionaries of the
palace? What are called cheesecakes elsewhere, are here called maids
of honour; a capon is a lord-chamberlain; a goose, a lord-steward; a
roast pig is a master of the horse; a pair of ducks, grooms of the
bedchamber; and a gooseberry tart, a gentleman usher of the black
rod; and so on."
The unsophisticated lady was taken in; and with all the confidence
which Daly's gravity inspired, when she actually saw the maids of
honour make their appearance in the shape of cheesecakes, convulsed
the whole party, by turning to the waiter and desiring him, in a
sweet but decided tone, to bring her a gentleman usher of the black
rod, if they had one in the house quite cold.
These were the sort of _plaisanteries_ (_mauvaises_, if you will) in
which this most extraordinary person indulged. In the sequel, I had
occasion to see his versatile powers more profitably engaged, and
which led me to reflect somewhat more seriously upon the adventure of
the upholsterer and the receipt in full of all demands.
The dinner was rather inconveniently despatched, in order to suit
the convenience of the engaged performers, and by seven o'clock my
new friend and myself were left to commence our voyage up the river.
His spirits appeared even higher than they had been before, and
I felt myself, when consigned to his care, something in the same
situation as Mr. O'Rourke on the eagle's back: whither I was to be
carried by his influence, or how to be dashed down when he got tired
of me I could not clearly comprehend; nor were my apprehension of
consequences in any satisfactory degree diminished when my perilous
companion commenced a violent wordy attack upon a very respectable
round-bodied gentleman who was sitting squeezed into the stern-sheets
of a skiff, floating most agreeably to himself adown the stream, the
gentle south-west breeze giving the sail of his boat a shape very
similar to that of his equally well-filled white dimity waistcoat.
"Hollo!" cried my friend Daly; "I say, you sir, what are you doing in
that boat?"
The suburban Josh maintained a dignified silence.
"I say, you sir," continued the undaunted joker, "what are you doing
there? you have no business in that boat, and you know it!"
A slight yaw of the skiff into the wind's eye was the only proof of
the stout navigator's agitation.
Still Daly was inexorable, and he again called to the unhappy mariner
to get out of the boat. "I tell you, my fat friend," cried he, "you
have no business in that boat!"
Flesh and blood could not endure this reiterated declaration. The ire
of the Cockney was roused. "No business in this boat, sir!" cried he,
"what d'ye mean?"
"I mean what I say," said Daly; "you have no business in it, and I'll
prove it."
"I think, sir, you will prove no such thing," said the navigator,
whose progress through the water was none of the quickest; "perhaps
you don't know, sir, that this is my own pleasure-boat?"
"That's it," said Daly, "now you _have_ it--no man can have any
_business_ in a _pleasure_-boat. Good-day, sir. That's all."
I confess I was a good deal shocked at this mode of terminating the
colloquy. However, no ill consequences arose; the fat man went his
way, and so did we, and in a few minutes more embarked in Daly's
"pleasure"-boat, in which I felt, according to his dictum, that I had
no business whatever.
Richmond, which seems, every time one sees it, as if it were dressed
to look lovely for that particular day, was smiling in all its
radiance and gaiety; the velvet meadows of Twickenham, studded with
noble trees, looked cooler and greener than ever; and my friend began
to perform that incomprehensibly agreeable exercise of pulling up
against the stream, when all at once a thought seemed to flash across
his mind and a look of regret sadden his countenance; the expression
was too distinct to be mistaken or disregarded.
"What," said I, "what is the matter? have you left anything behind?"
"No," said he, laughing; "but if I had thought of it, we would not
have come away so soon from Richmond; and I would have shown you some
sport in Cockney-catching."
"What do you mean?" asked innocent I.
"A trick specially my own," replied Daly, "to be played with the
greatest success between the grounds of Sion and Kew Gardens.
Thus:--In the dusk of the evening--I prescribe scientifically--take a
strong line, fix him to a peg in the bank of Sion, carry him across
the river, and fix him to another peg in the bank of Kew; strain
him tight, and then retire to watch the effect. Tide running down,
presently comes a Cockney couple, the man flirting and pulling,
the lady sitting and smiling; when they reach the chosen spot, the
tight line catches the Cockney Corydon on the back of his head, and
tumbles him forward at the feet of his Phyllis; in a twinkling,
the same effect is produced on the lady, with this single simple
difference, that the cord catches _her_ under the chin, and tumbles
her backwards. In the confusion of the moment, tide ebbing fast, the
happy pair are swept down the stream, and having, after the lapse of
a few minutes, set themselves to rights again, begin to wonder what
has happened, and of course never think of trying back against tide
to ascertain the cause; which, however, if they did, would assist
them little, for the moment you have caught your Cockneys, you cast
off the line from the peg, and the cause of the mischief disappears
from the sight--_probatum est_."
"That seems rather a serious joke," said I.
"Umph!" replied Daly; "perhaps you would prefer keeping the line, but
for my part I am not particular."
This he certainly need not have mentioned. Every moment added fresh
evidence to the fearful fact; I was yet unprepared for what was to
come.
"I wish," said my friend, as he plied the oar, "that we had stayed
a little longer at Richmond. I think one more bottle of claret,
_tête-à-tête_, would have been vastly agreeable."
"I should not have disliked it myself," said I. "Is it impossible to
repair the mischief?--is there no agreeable retreat on these shores,
in which we may solace ourselves for our imprudence?"
"No," said my friend; "the Eel-pie House is a wretched hole--the inns
at Twickenham are all inland--there is nothing marine short of the
Toy, and we are to part long before I reach that much-loved spot."
"Then," said I, "we must make up our minds to the evil, and bear it
as well as we can."
At this moment we were under the bank of a beautiful garden, upon
which opened a spacious bow-windowed dinner-room, flanked by an
extensive conservatory. Within the circle of the window was placed a
table, whereon stood bottles and decanters, rising, as it were, from
amidst a cornucopia of the choicest fruits. Around this table were
seated a highly-respectable family; a portly gentleman, whose cheeks
and chin gave ample evidence that such refections were "his custom
always in the afternoon," and near him a lady, evidently his better,
if not his larger half--on either side bloomed two young creatures,
unquestionably the daughters of the well-fed pair. Our appearance,
although the lawn was some twenty or thirty yards in depth, had
caught their attention, as their respective forms and figures had
attracted our notice.
"There," said I, "this scene is exhibited to us by our evil genius,
to tantalize us with the prospect we may not enjoy."
"You are wrong," said Daly, "quite wrong--be quiet--beautiful girls,
cool wine, and agreeable society, are worth making a dash for.
Those girls will we become acquainted with--that society will we
join--those wines will we imbibe."
"Do you know them?" said I.
"Never saw them by any chance in my life," said Daly; "but here
goes--the thing is settled--arranged--done. Have you a pocket-book
and a pencil about you? if you have, lend them to _me_; say nothing,
and I will manage the rest. Assent to all I assert, and stay in the
boat till we are invited to partake of the collation."
"But, my dear sir," said I.
"Mum," said Daly, at the same moment pulling the head of his funny
'chock block,' as the sailors say, into the bank of the garden, upon
whose velvet surface he jumped with the activity of an opera dancer.
I sat in amazement, doubting what he was about to do, and what I
should do myself. The first thing I saw was my friend pacing in
measured steps along the front of the terrace. He then affected to
write down something in my book--then he stopped--raised his hand to
his eyes, as if to make an horizon in order to obtain a level--then
noted something more--and then began to pace the ground afresh.
"Bring the staff out of the boat," said he to me, with an air of
command, which was so extremely well assumed, that I scarcely knew
whether he were in joke or in earnest. I obeyed, and landed with
the staff. Without any further ceremony, he stuck the pole into the
lawn--a measure which, as he whispered to me, while in the act of
taking it, he felt assured would bring things to a crisis.
Sure enough, after a certain ringing of the dinner-room bell, which
we heard, and which conveyed to Daly's mind a conviction that he had
created a sensation, a butler, _bien poudre_, in a blue coat, white
waistcoat, and black _et ceteras_, followed at a properly-graduated
distance by a strapping footman, in a blue-and-scarlet livery, were
seen approaching. I thought the next step would be our sudden and
unceremonious expulsion from the Eden he had trespassed upon--not so
my friend, who continued pacing, and measuring, and "jotting down,"
until the minister for the home department was at his elbow.
"I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said the butler, "but--my master's
compliments, begs to know what your pleasure here is--it is not usual
for strangers to land--and----"
"Exactly like the man in the boat, sir," said Daly, "only quite the
reverse. I am not here for pleasure--business calls me here--duty,
sir--duty. Here, Mr. Higgins, carry the staff to that stump."
These words were addressed to me, and I, completely
infatuated--fascinated, like the bird by the rattle-snake--did as I
was told, not daring to rebel, lest a _dénoûment_ might ensue, which
would _éclater_ in our being jointly and severally kicked into the
river, in which case, from the very little, or rather the very great
deal, which I had seen of my companion during our short acquaintance,
I felt perfectly certain that _I_ should sink, and _he_ would swim;
and that, while I was floundering in all the agonies of ignominy and
disgrace, he would be capering and flourishing with the two pretty
girls in the dining-room, laying all the blame of the affair upon my
most incompetent shoulders, and cracking his jokes upon the tyro who
had so blunderingly botched the business.
The butler, who found that he made very little impression upon Daly,
seemed inclined to come at _me_, which, as I had not the slightest
idea of the game my companion was playing, nor the faintest notion
what he expected to be the result, alarmed me considerably. Daly was
too much on the alert, however, to permit me to be cross-questioned.
"Sir," said he to the butler, "present my compliments to your
master, and make my humble apologies for the liberty I am obliged
to take. I am the acting deputy-assistant surveyor of the Grand
Junction Paddington Canal Company, and an Act of Parliament is just
about to be applied for, to construct and cut a branch from the
basin at Brentford into the river Thames, near this point. A great
deal depends upon my decision as to the line it will take, and I
should not have ventured to land without apprising your master of my
business, but that no time is to be lost, inasmuch as my plan for
the cut must be ready for the committee to-morrow."
"Cut a canal through my master's grounds, sir?" said the butler.
"Right through," said Daly, poking the fore-finger of his right
hand very nearly into the butler's left eye; "and what I am now so
particular about is, I am most anxious that the line should not take
down the corner of the conservatory."
"Dear me, sir," said the man, "my mistress would go mad at the very
thought of such a thing. Will you just wait, sir, while I speak to
Sir Timothy?"
"Certainly," said he; "and assure him--assure Sir Timothy--that I
will do all I can to preserve the elevation of his mansion; for, as
it all depends upon my opinion, I shall, of course, be extremely
scrupulous how I decide."
"I am sure, sir," said the astounded and mollified butler, "Sir
Timothy will be greatly obliged to you. I'll be back directly, sir."
Saying which, the butler returned to the house, and giving a
significant look at the strapping footman, with the grenadier
shoulders and balustrade legs, which seemed to imply that he need not
kick us into the water till he had consulted his master, the fellow
followed him, which afforded me an opportunity of asking my volatile
friend what the deuce he was at.
"Leave me alone," said he,--
"'Women and wine compare so well,
They run in a perfect parallel.'
I am the company's acting deputy-assistant surveyor, and having
surveyed this company, I mean to be made a participator in those good
things of which they seem to be in full possession. Yes, Mr. Gurney,
as King Arthur says--
'It is our royal will and pleasure to be drunk;
And this, our friend, shall be as drunk as we.'
Who knows but we may make an agreeable and permanent acquaintance
with this interesting family?"
"But," said I, "you don't even know their name."
"You are in error," replied Daly; "the man's name _is_ known to me."
"Then perhaps you are known to _him_," said I.
"That is a _non sequitur_," said Daly; "I knew nothing of him before
I landed here--now I am _au-fait_--my friend in the powder and
sticking-plasters calls his master Sir Timothy. There are hundreds of
Sir Timothies; but what do I, upon hearing this little distinctive
appellation, but glance my eye to the livery-button of the
lacquey--and what do I see there? a serpent issuing from and piercing
a garb or gerb. The crest is unique--_ergo_, my new acquaintance is
neither more nor less than Sir Timothy Dod."
"Why," said I, "you are, like myself, a bit of a herald, too!"
"Exactly," replied Daly; "in my composition are