a horse that ever was put to paper; it is somewhat lengthy, but it
will repay the lover of the sublime for his trouble in reading it:--
"Can any thing be so far from true taste, as to round the ears
of a dog, or to cut them off; whatever may be the beauty, breed,
or character, to cut off the thumb, or fifth toe, and call it
a Dew claw, and consider it of no use! To chop off the tail
of a waggon-horse, so necessary and useful to that class of
creature; above all, to separate every joint of the tail, with
all the misery attending upon it, in order to reverse the order
of Nature, and make that turn up which ought to turn down, all
equally show the want of taste, as the want of humanity? Who has
ever witnessed the operation last alluded to, if not, pause; and
in your imagination, behold a nobly-formed, and finely-tempered
creature, led from the stable in all the pride of health, and all
the playful confidence of being led out, and held by his master
and his friend, view the hobbles fastened to his legs, his feet
drawn to a point, and himself cast to the earth, so contrary
to his expectations and his hopes; observe the commencement,
and the lingering process; behold the wreathing of the lovely
and as useful animal; how does his heaving breast manifest
his astonishment, while his greatly oppressed and labouring
heart beats high with resentment, at being thus tampered. His
quivering flesh sends through every pore streams of sweat; his
open nostrils are bursting with agony of body and spirit, while
his strained eye-balls flash as with the fixed glare of expiring
nature. Heard you that groan? poor animal. They have began the
deed of barbarism! he faintly shrieks, 'tis as the piteous cry
of the timid hare, when sinking under the deadly gripe of the
fierce, agile, and ravenous greyhound. How he grinds his teeth,
and bores his tightly-twitched and twisted lip, and smoking
nostril, into the thick litter, or grovelling, rubs his aching
forehead into the loose sand; now the sudden and convulsive
effort! what a struggle! every nerve, sinew, tendon, stretched
to its full bearing, with fearful energy! Oh! that he could now
disencumber his fettered limbs, and spring from his tormentors.
Those limbs, that would joyfully bound over the broad plain,
or patient bear the cumbrous load, nor utter one complaint in
the deep toil; or drag with unwearied submission, harnessed,
galled, and parched with thirst, the lumbering machine to the
very borders of his opening tomb. He groans again, the struggle's
over, and he again lays down; while the hoarse breathing and his
panting sides, prove that all his energies, his mighty energies,
have failed: and the work goes on, still continues, and now
another and another gash, and now the iron hook, to tear out from
among the separated complicated bones, the tenacious ligament
that binds the strong vertebræ; and lastly the burning steel to
staunch the streaming blood. Tedious process!--but at length it
ceases, and the noble, towering, majestic steed is led back,
tottering, trembling, reeling, and dejected, to repose apparently
in peace; but ah! another torment, the cord, the weight, the
pulley, day o'er day, and week after week, to keep the lips of
the gaping, throbbing, aching wounds asunder, to close no more
for ever. Enough! enough! our country's shame, for cruelty is not
our natural character, our country's vice."
We by no means intend to ridicule Mr. Ward's humanity; but, we
confess, as throwing lights upon an allegorical picture of the Duke
of Wellington's triumphs, we do not consider the passage quite as
much to the purpose as it might be.
At page 29, Mr. Ward states (and with every appearance of believing
it) that "Cicero was once a lisping infant, and Sampson, at one
period, could not go alone;"--to which assertions we must beg to add,
for Mr. Ward's satisfaction, that "Rome was not built in a day."
In his simple style, at page 30, Mr. Ward, speaking of ignorance,
says,--
"Loose veins of thought, imaginative intellects, evaporation. As
the school-boy's frothy bubble, rising from the turbid elements"
soap and water, "its inflated globule exhibits in proud mimicry
the Rainbow's gaily painted hues, and calls rude mirth to dance
upon its glittering surface, when suddenly it bursts, and all is
gone!"
We shall conclude our extracts from this explanatory pamphlet with
the following:--
"SHAPELESS FORMS OF DEATH.--Perhaps no part of picturesque
representation is so difficult as this. The poet here has much
the advantage. Ossian may, by a language all understand, throw
the imagination into a delirium, and there leave it bewildered
and wandering, in all the confusion of material immateriality;
but in painting it is necessary to give a substantial shape
to a shapeless form, and substance to a vision. It is not for
him to give the ghost of my father as a misty cloud covering
a whole mountain, or enlarging itself to the broad expanse of
the capacious plain, like the flaky layers of a thick fog, on
the opening dawn of a mist-dispersing sunbeam. But the painter
must embody disembodied beings, and give 'to airy nothingness a
local habitation and a name.' Here the various shapes of blood
and carnage are to be contemplated, in the imagery depicted, as
cannon-balls, bomb-shells, fiery rockets, swords, spears, and
bayonets, with all the horrible effects of their operations;
as moving in the conflicted elements; from the head of death's
gloomy tribes, the large death-bat, under the arm of the fell
monster Death, who is grinning with savage pleasure at the havoc
he is making. The monsters are breathing fire, and from their
pestiferous dugs dropping streams of blood, as the milk of their
nourishment."
Having given some of Mr. Ward's ideas as they were written, we leave
those who have not seen his picture to judge what such ideas must be,
upon canvas, with a clumsy hand, and the worst possible taste.
To say that Mr. Ward is mad, is not what we would pretend to say;
but coupling his painting with the articles which we have caught and
preserved, from his pen, we must believe that there are many very
worthy persons at present in Bedlam, who could paint allegories full
as well, and describe their meaning afterwards with infinitely more
perspicuity.
All we have to do in this affair is to call upon the Directors of the
British Institution, if they mean to patronise real merit, or to make
their rewards honourable and of value, to disclaim all approbation of
the most illustrious and full-sized specimen of pictorial Humbug that
ever drew shillings out of the pockets of John Bull.
We have indeed been told that the Institution have (somewhat too
late) discovered that they employed an animal painter, to paint them
an allegorical picture--they were not aware of their mistake in the
outset; but in order to rectify it and induce Mr. Ward to rub out his
allegory, they have resolved, it is said, to give him an opportunity
of showing his talents in his own line, by sitting to him for their
likenesses,--it is added that the portrait of Mr. Richard Payne
Knight is already in a high state of forwardness.
LETTER FROM A GOOSE.
TO JOHN BULL.
Farm Yard, Claremont, Friday, Sept. 27, 1822.
SIR,--These are the last words I shall ever have an opportunity of
addressing to you; my doom, alas! is fixed. I am sentenced to die
this evening; neither Alderman Waithman, nor Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins,
can save me; I am waiting in the condemned coop, the _coup-de-grace_
of my illustrious master's chicken-butcher.
Probably you anticipate the cause of my death: Sunday is the feast
of St. Michael, my blood is required in the mysterious celebration
of the ceremonies observed in all well-regulated families on that
anniversary. This very day twelve-months my excellent and amiable
mother, and my respectable father, perished on the same account.
At this critical juncture, I pick a quill from one of my wings to
assure you of that resignation to my fate, which I truly feel:--that
it is not unalloyed, Mr. Bull, I must, however, confess. Those who
know our family know that we are patriots, that we have souls;
and I cannot quit the world without regretting my future destiny.
Brought up, sir, as I have been; educated upon the English system
in the farm-yard of a Foreign Prince; fattened as I have been at
the public expense; I did expect (as all patriots say they do)
that the sacrifice of my life might have been of some utility to
the country;--but, alas! no: pampered, fed, stuffed as it were by
anticipation. What is my doom? Am I to be yielded as a tribute to the
nation, whence I have derived my weight and flavour? Am I to gratify
the palate of the illustrious Prince, my nominal patron? No; I am to
be sold and eaten by some base venal hind in this neighbourhood, who,
in these times of wretchedness, cannot dine on Michaelmas-day without
me.
What my sensations are at the treatment I have met with you may,
perhaps, comprehend. Will you believe it, sir, I have never seen
the illustrious Personage in whose service I have wasted my days. I
have never beheld the amiable Prince, to whom, for many reasons, I
am warmly attached: first, because I am a goose; secondly, because,
thanks to the generosity of the nation, I am his Royal Highness's
goose; and, thirdly, because I am a goose of high feeling, honour,
and, above all, of gratitude.
What a consolation it would have been to have seen his Royal
countenance!--what a disgrace to my family to quit the world without
having attained to such a favour! It is true I have received a great
deal of pleasure in the occasional society of Sir Robert Gardiner,
whose attentions have been very much devoted to our comfort and
accommodation in our Royal Master's absence. I certainly found him
in pens; which, as you know Sir Robert is fond of writing, was no
small return for his civilities--civilities, which I begin shrewdly
to suspect were, after all, interested, and more insidious than I
apprehend at the moment.
I ought to apologise for trespassing at such length upon your
patience; but, having been for a considerable time a constant
correspondent of the _Morning Chronicle_, I am habituated to what
are vulgarly called long-winded letters; and when a goose prints
his own grievances he is generally somewhat diffuse. My wrongs are
now strongest in my recollection, and I am anxious that my family
reputation should not suffer in my person, and therefore devote my
last moments--my last words to you.
If you were a goose, Mr. Editor, how would you bear with indignities
like those I have suffered? Sir, the Heralds' College could prove,
and would prove, if they were sufficiently well paid for it, that
I am lineally descended from the noble bird who saved the Roman
Capitol; and it is in consequence a common observation amongst the
poulterers at Kingston, that "there are Capitol geese at Claremont;"
which classical saying of that erudite body has been garbled into the
more vulgar observation, that "there are capital geese at Prince
Leopold's;" inferring thereby that part of his Royal Highness's
capital consists of geese!
It is needless to tell you, that the branch of my family which has
settled itself in Norfolk is in the most flourishing state, and
that at Holkham, at this present moment, there is an old Goose held
in high estimation amongst the Whigs. At Woburn Abbey, another set
of my connexions are in high force, and admirably calculated for
cutting up and roasting; while in the North, the Grey Geese are
reckoned invaluable as a cross breed, the head of that coop being the
identical bird celebrated in the Fable of the Fox and Goose, to which
the Tories have subjoined a very salutary if not pleasant moral.
To the notice of these most honourable birds I may add one of the
younger scions of our stock, the Goslings--who, as everybody knows,
are a most excellent and respectable firm in the City of London.
These things disturb me. I have contributed to the funds of my
Master, I am about to lay down my life for his advantage, and, I
repeat, he has never seen me. There are thousands of geese, I am
ready to grant, labouring under the same disadvantage, and thousands
of human beings too, but to them the disappointment is not of the
same nature as to us: none but geese would contribute to support an
absentee as we do; and yet, supporting him, none but a goose would
care about ever seeing him again.
I must cease--the poulterer's cart and my end approach. I have
heard that the only modification of my sentence which I ventured
to request--the change of strangling into decapitation--is refused
me; His Royal Highness's ministers here declaring that I cannot be
sent off the premises without a bill. It matters little, Mr. Bull,
but I must say, it is not what I expected. Publish my letter, that
my Prince may see how he is beloved and respected, and by whom;--he
has been at Rome, but never thought of me or mine; perhaps he never
heard of the story which connects us with that once mighty city.
Adieu!--One of my sisters has already suffered: would I were a swan,
I would sing my own elegy--they come nearer--they have seized my
pens--I can only give--what we occasionally have here--a great quack,
and subscribe myself,
Your affectionate Gander,
BILLY.
P.S.--No _anser_ will reach me; but in making any further inquiries
about me, be cautious, as there is a much greater Goose than myself
of my name, living at Bagshot, which, being in this neighbourhood,
might cause some confusion.
THE HUM-FUM GAMBOOGEE SOCIETY.[48]
The first general meeting of this excellent society took place
on Thursday, at the residence of one of its most powerful
supporters; and, considering the skeleton state of the metropolis,
was satisfactorily attended. We have received an account of the
proceedings, under a promise not to mention the names of the
committee; and the word "confidential" written diagonally in one
corner of our correspondent's letter, prevents our giving the report
as fully and satisfactorily as we could wish.
The great Gamboogee himself, however, was present, and explained the
nature and intention of the society very succinctly. It may perhaps
be necessary to quote for our readers this account of their general
views, as detailed by his Lordship.
In the first place, it appears to the excessively correct persons who
compose this grave body, that a Christian should never be merry--that
it is the bounden duty of all well-disposed persons to groan and
sigh, and make themselves as uncomfortable as possible during their
stay upon earth; and in order to render themselves apparently
subservient to the regulations which they propose to lay down for
others, the members have their seats provided on the hardest possible
benches, the president being compelled to sit in very thin silk
breeches, upon a horse-hair bottomed stool, without either arms or
back, _i.e._, while they are in public!
Every member is bound, on similar occasions, to wear large worsted
stockings, with the tightest possible shoes, stiff stocks, and hats
considerably too small for their heads. Thus accoutred, it is their
intention to effect, under the authority they very frequently have on
their tongues, a total reformation in society.
They intend to begin with Brookes's and Boodle's, which are to be
consigned forthwith to the superintendence of four respectable
Dowagers; and the direction of Almack's is to be vested in the hands
of six able ministers, to be selected by the great Gamboogee himself
for that purpose, next May, previously to the commencement of the
ensuing winter season.
In order to prevent the shameful impositions practised upon the
credulity of minors of fashion and fortune, by unprincipled women of
no property, the Hum-Fum Gamboogees have opened establishments for
the reception of young gentlemen of worldly propensities, which are
to be placed under the surveillance of most active and pious men.
Similar receptacles for young ladies, whose flagrant desires lead
them into the abominable vices of dancing or singing, will be
prepared, where, in rooms hung with black, and from which the much
too comfortable glare of day will be excluded, they will be taught to
see, in their proper colours, the enormity of those crimes of which
they have been guilty, and which their sinful mothers, grandmothers,
and great grandmothers, have been rash and vile enough to commit in a
similar way.
It appearing to the Hum-Fum Gamboogees that the sun is by far too
great a blessing for such wretched creatures as we are, they
recommend a careful seclusion during the day, and suggest that wet or
windy nights are the most suitable occasions for taking exercise.
A total abstinence from wine is earnestly desired to be observed by
the young gentlemen of London, whose interests the Hum-Fums have very
near their hearts; and they mention weak black tea as a substitute,
or a proportion of that excellent succadaneum for Hyson, chopped hay,
which was seriously recommended to the attention of the world, a
short time since, through the columns of the _Morning Post_.
Several well-dressed and respectable elderly gentlemen, with
umbrellas, will attend in Hyde Park every day, until the abomination
of frequenting such places be utterly abolished, to escort young men
to pious ordinaries, where it is recommended they should dine, in
order to prevent those unnatural sins, flirting, dangling, and making
the amiable.
A vast many devout minor agents of the society will be employed to
divest the pockets of persons of snuff-boxes, it never having been
required by nature to feed one's nose.
It is strongly recommended that every one should abstain from
frequenting play-houses, and in order to effect this great object, or
at all events to render the performances sufficiently disagreeable
to be quite correct, it is suggested that the company of performers,
who acted at the Haymarket Theatre last season, be the only persons
licensed to exhibit in the metropolis.
The Hum-Fums will visit the houses of their neighbours, after the
fashion of that most excellent brother corporation, the Bible
Society, and will make it their business to enquire into the state of
every man's domestic affairs; in order, if possible, to rescue from
degradation the servants of London, whose subordination (although, by
the active endeavours of similar unions, they are getting gradually
independent of their masters and mistresses,) is derogatory to the
dignity of the human character.
The Hum-Fums will distribute amongst the domestics such works as
may tend to elevate their minds, open their intellects, make them
dissatisfied with debasement, and enable them, by the blessing of
Providence, to rise superior to that oppression by which the sinful
luxuries of society have humiliated them. Several Hum-Fums of the
highest character for dulness and gravity will attend in the kitchens
and servants'-halls of each parish, to edify their tenants every
evening from eight till twelve.
It will be the study of the Hum-Fums to impress upon the soldiers
of this kingdom the sin and shame of carrying muskets and bayonets
for pay, and of slaughtering their fellow-creatures for no cause
whatever; and by the way in which they expect to be enabled to make
their light shine, they hope to convince their brethren in arms that
officers are but men, and that obedience from one man to another is
by no means necessary to salvation.
The sailors they intend to leave entirely to the pious society called
the Bethel Union, convinced that nothing the Hum-Fums can do will
more effectually emasculate and sanctify at the same time the sea
service, and purge it of its worldly power to do mischief, than the
blessed exertions of that inestimable institution.
Riding in carriages, especially on Sundays, they most energetically
denounce; and it is proposed to solicit the several lessees of
the turnpike trusts round London to allow ministers, selected by
a council of Hum-Fums, to be placed at the different toll-gates,
to dissuade the infatuated people from enjoying the sun and air of
heaven on the only day which they have to themselves, and on which,
in obedience to the Decalogue, they do no manner of work.
Night agents of the society will be regularly posted at the doors of
all public-houses within the bills of mortality, to check the ingress
of sinners to such places; and in order more effectually to promote
the devout intentions of the society, Messrs. Whitbread (whose very
name inspires respect), Mr. Calvert, and Mr. Buxton have intimated
a zealous desire to leave off brewing the liquor which the wretched
sinners are so depraved as to swallow in those receptacles for vice.
No rank of society will be free from the surveillance of this pious
body. At the Opera, a superior class of agents will be always in
attendance to superintend the friendly intercourse of the best
families, and by an assiduous watchfulness over the manners and
conversations of the various parties, many of those heartrending
divisions in society which shock morality will be doubtless prevented.
The Hum-Fums earnestly recommend frequent physicking and bleeding,
with a view to the moderation of worldly appetites; and suggest, in
the hope of keeping up an incessant feeling of the wretched state to
which we are reduced, that all persons between the ages of fifteen
and sixty should wear perpetual blisters.
The Hum-Fums earnestly request subscriptions to carry their spiritual
benefits into effect, and they would impress upon the minds of those
who are hastening to perdition in the same abominable and destructive
road, which every one of their ancestors and relations have taken,
that all things are subservient to the principles which the Hum-Fums
teach, and that without money the Hum-Fums cannot exist.
After the proceedings in which this development of their views was
made, the Hum-Fums nominated thirty-five treasurers and sixty-eight
secretaries at respectable salaries. Most of the Hum-Fums being
decidedly hostile to the establishment in State as well as Church,
this was considered the only virtuous mode whereby to provide for
those persons, who, though in humbler life had always relied upon
the Hum-Fums for support, and whose laudable exertions in exciting a
proper melancholy, and a substantial discontent, deserve the highest
praise.
The Hum-Fums, after this part of the ceremony, proceeded to sing
psalms and hymns, the productions of the Rev. Mr. Smith, of Penzance,
whose meritorious conduct under his call, from the station of
boatswain in His Majesty's service, to the ministry, demanded their
warmest admiration.
Miss Rebecca Engleheart presented the society with a small pasteboard
windmill, in the hopper of which were three shillings and ninepence
halfpenny, which she had collected by the exhibition of her little
toy.
The great Hum-Fum Gamboogee was extremely gratified by this specimen
of pious ingenuity, and put the sails of the model into rapid motion,
which excited great gratitude and applause.
Two Otaheitean watermen and a New Zealand coppersmith were elected
Hum-Fums: they spoke at length of the benefits which their respective
nations had received from the exertions of the society, and the
latter presented to the society the heads of his elder brother and
his sister-in-law, which he had cut off since his notions of property
had been matured under its benign influence.
At this period of the proceedings an interruption took place which
threatened the unanimity of the society; this, considering the
society, as we do, to be one, of which all the members ought to hang
together, created a very unpleasant feeling.