in this nayborhood--I suppose he come from the West Hinges, for they
tell me he is a Planter as well as a Hempee, which Fulmer says he is.
I have heard a new comehumdrum, which is a very fashionable
amusement here--"Why is the gravy of a leg of pork the best gravy in
the world?"--"Because there's no Jews like it." I do not know where
the joke is, only I spose there is one. I have hardly any thing to
say, only I thought you would like to hear of Lavy's acoachman, and
our prospect of removal from this place, which is not at all to my
gout.
Yours always, dear B.,
DOROTHEA L. RAMSBOTTOM.
XX.
MRS. RAMSBOTTOM GIVES HER OPINION OF THE RELATIVE MERITS OF MARGATE
AND BRIGHTON.
TO JOHN BULL.
Oct. 1828.
MY DEAR B.,--We are at length arrived in the subbubs of London. Since
crowds of people have been collected at the Traitor's and Restorers
in Regent-street, I am afraid to date this, lest the folks should
come to look at us--but you can easily find out the redress at
Fulmer's hothell.
We came last from Margate, which to my mind is far prefferible to
Briton. At Briton you have always the great bright sparkling Ossian
surfeiting the jingle from morning till night, enough to put one's
eyes out, and drive one deaf--at Margate there is a beautiful arbour,
in which there is no water whatsomever for twelve hours out of
every twenty-four, which affords the curos observer a full view of
Ossian's bottom: besides, instead of nasty hard jingle and stones,
it is all beautiful blue mud, the sight of which, added to the smell
of the juice from the gash works above, reminds one of the dear
Mephistopholis, to the neighbourhood of which we have returned.
Then the Peer at Margate is quite a different thing from the
jigumaree, swing swang, jinkum linkum thing at Briton. At Margate
it is all fixed--built of white stone, and painted pee-green on the
inside, which makes it look quite beautiful; besides, at Briton you
see nothing partiklur on the Chain-peer but the sea, and the company,
and the clifts, and the vessels; but at Margate, besides all the
predestinarians a walking, you have stage coaches, flies, waggons,
cars, and sociables, ready to take you all over the country, not to
speak of carts a fetching coals out of the arbour, and men at the
Jetty a bringing in fish alive out of the sea.
The Marine Libray, at Margate, is a beautiful building, with two
windows in front, and a wooden gallery at the back of the shop,
over the mud--there's nothing in Briton to equal that--and as to
the King's statute, by Shantry, what is it to the beautiful image
of Nipchune, the great sea god, in black, nailed up again the gable
end of the marine, just a going to spear an eel as natural as life.
Then the streets--snug and comfortable--none of your great straggling
prades or esplanades--no--pleasant retreats, where opposite
neighbours can shake hands without leaving their rooms--this is quite
agreeable; it is always shady, and besides, it creates an intrust, as
Mr. Fulmer says, when strolling along a street not to know on which
side of the way one is walking.
The church here is beautiful--not like Briton, stuck down in a vally;
it is up on the top of the hil, so that one is half way to heaven
before one is a quarter of the way to the church; howsumever, the
Galls can see it from Callous if they look sharp, that's one thing.
The stone it is made of, is got out of the bath.
The great hotel at Margate is called House, and is situated in
Chisel-square--a most splendid hairy, something like Salsbury-square
in Fleet-street, only not quite so munificent; here they have luckily
succeeded in getting rid of the sea altogether; indeed they have been
very fortunate in their attempts in many other places. One of my
neices is agoing to open a semenary here, in which I hope she will
suckseed; at present she has several pupils in her eye--at least she
tells _me_ so, but Mr. Fulmer says she can have but one--so I suppose
she phibbs.
The baths here are uncommon agreeable; they are not like the baths
at Briton, great staring houses, but nice little low rooms, like the
cabins of packets, with a railed place behind where you wait till the
water comes in to the arbour, of which I spoke before; but it is not
there always punctual at the same time, which is a grate boar; to
be sure the ships does lie nice and easy with their bottoms in the
mud, and the sailors quite quiet aboard, with all their cabals on
the shore. Some very spirted gentleman has dug some baths out of the
cliff, with a music room under ground quite subtraining, with a way
for the donkies to go down to it, without stares; the view of Ossian
from a hole cut in the chork is very rheumatic: Fulmer says the
digging them holes is a very wise way of sinking a capital. I hope it
will anser.
At Briton the grate libray used to be kept by Donald's son, whoever
he was; the grate libray at Margate is kept by Betty's son, whoever
_she_ is, for they dont tell us their sirnames; it is a large room,
quite snug and away from the sea, in a square called Horley--very
different from Hawley on the way to Briton. At _that_ Hawley Mr.
Pickhisnails keeps the hin, has a fine booshy head of air, sleeps
in top boots, and paints the stems of his trees sky blew for
huniformity's sake. In the Horley-square at Margate, there are,
besides Betty's sons, some uncommon nice boring houses, where a lady
can live genteel and comfortable, without washing, for a jenny and a
half a week.
Onion Crescent is near this, and is reckoned very pleasant, and so it
is. There is no glare in Margate, to hurt the eyes. The houses look
always upon the bax of others, which keeps away the son in summer,
and the wind in winter. I know at Briton we was very much troubled
with the wind when we lived on the Marrying Prade--at Margate it is
quite different.
Fulmer, who is what is called a geehologist, says there is much
amusement to be found amongst the Clifts. He talks of finding
his sisters and taking his quarts, of which I never heard him
speak afore, and he told us the other day that he had dug up some
bedlamites. What he has done with them I dont know. The things he
shewed me were, I believe, only their finger nails--they looked just
like it.
With respect to the bathing, it is much more descent than at Briton,
for the machines here have yawnings over them, by which means nobody
can see one, however much they looks. We went to visit Dandelion,
once a public garden. They say the place took its name from a lion's
tooth; I'm sure I have heard something very unlike _that_, if it is
what _I_ mean.
We came away from this trestial parodice in the _Harlequin_ steamer,
and a large party we was: it was uncommon agreeable, only there was
what is called a swell, which did not agree with the buttered toast,
red herrings, honey, eggs, and tea, which we tuck as a remedy agin
sickness. Mr. Fulmer said we had rolls as well as tost for breakfast,
which made a thin gentleman in a white hat, which sot oposite us,
laugh very much.
I did not go upon dick after heaten, but I heard them talk of seeing
a great many boys about in the water; one was a boy with a horse, and
another a boy with the bacon on his head. One of the first they saw,
they said was the last, which seemed nonsense to me. However, they
said there was several Spaniards a swimming near the pacquet, so I
would not let my young ones go up.
To be sure, what phibbs travellers do tell--we was a talking of the
great exhibition of the gurney to London by steam, when a gentleman
told us, looking as grave as a gudge, that he and his father had
made the Rickulvers in an hour and a quarter, after leaving the Noah
light that day week: of course I said nothing--but I was certain
as I was of being alive and living, that neither the gentleman nor
his father had anything to do with making the Rickulvers, which I
myself saw three and twenty years ago--and to make them in an hour
and a quarter! However, everybody seemed to believe him--I only
asked what profession he was of, and they told me he was imminent in
the Tayloring line. That settled it--"Two tailors," as the French
says--the very highdea of their talking of making the Rickulvers just
as they would a pair of pantaloons--and them they could not make in
an hour and a quarter, binding, button-holes and all, I'm sure.
When we got into smooth water, I went upstairs to see Noah's light,
and there I saw the ark, with the lantern, and I believe Noah himself
a walking up and down the dick. I asked one of the sailors if the men
which was walking was never changed, and he said, every four hours;
but that the man we saw, had been there ever since the flood--which
convinced me. We saw from this, Sheerness with a river, which is
Midway between Margate and town, and is called so.
I was very glad when the water was smooth, for I hate the big bellows
a rolin, and so I told the gentleman in the airy cap which turns
the wheel about--and he said we should have found it much ruffer if
we had not come overland. This puzzled me, because I thought we was
coming by sea all the time I was below, it bumped me about so--but
he persisted in what he said, and moreover said something very
disrespectful of the people of the place we had left, which he called
the Margate flats. Everything seemed to clear up as we proceeded;
we had Lee church on our wether bow, as the gentleman told me--the
waters were called Hopes, and the sands were blithe--and we was all
golly and uncommon hungary--so down we went to wait till the dinner
came, which was some nice bile mutton and turnips with caper sauce,
which occupied me all the way from a little above Tilbury Furt to
Erin, which looks just as green as Mr. More, the pote, says it is.
At Gravesend we took in a gentleman, who gave us an account of the
Grand Signior having sent out a fireman against the Roosians, which
was a gettin beat by the Turkeys--however, as we was to go ashore
at Grinnage, we had no time for pollyticks, having in course to
look up the bundles and ban-boxes. Lavy went by land, on account of
her child, and her misfortunes was greater than ores, for she left
her black silk riddykel in the coch, containing the best part of a
bottle of O de Goalong, a salmon-coloured neck handkycher, and a
pair of nice yellow tan gloves--her brother went all the way to the
Bare coach office in Pickadilly the next morning, but could hear no
tidings on 'em.
When we come opposite the Horsespittle at Grinnage, we got into a
boat and landed just by the Ship, which smelt of frying fish as
ousel. I think if I had not committed an indiscretion with the bile
leg of mutton, we should have been tempted to stop and have some
stoodells and whatasujet--as it was, we got into our domstic, a
carriage so called, and proceeded by Peckham and Cammerwell home.
I shall write again soon.--I am to be presented to the Quin of
Portingal--the Countess of Itabagpipes was known to some of Fulmer's
cousins in the brass heel country, which is the reason she wishes
me to lend her my counting-house and purtection; so, one day next
week I shall go in by the Stockwell stage, and visit the Court in
Arlington-street. As for Jennyfluxion, I hope her Majesty will excuse
me, for though poor Chunee, I remember, used to do it at Exeter
Change, if I was once to get down upon my kneeses I am quite sure I
never could git up again--but I shall communicate in a private billy
with Lady Bagpipes on the subject.
Lavy desires her best love--Fulmer is as proud as a Pig-hog of his
little gull, and my unmarried ones quite as unspohastickated as
ever--there _was_ a gentleman at Margate did give the youngest a
sort of tittilation of the heart, and she had only two helps of beef
and one plate of soup at dinner for three days in consequence of
her tinder felings, but he went off in the _Ramona_ the morning it
carried passengers greatass, and so did my girl's infection for him,
and the next day she sung "I've been roaming," and took to her vitals
just as if nothing had happened.--Adjou.
DOROTHEA L. RAMSBOTTOM.
XXI.
MRS. RAMSBOTTOM CONTEMPLATES THE COLLECTION OF HER LETTERS INTO A
VOLUME.
TO JOHN BULL.
January 25, 1829.
DEAR B.,--I write to you on a bizziness of some consequence to me--I
have been applied to by some of the first jenny asses of the day to
colic my lettuce into one volume, and publish them: so I spoke to my
sun in law Fulmer, who has offered to hedit them, and put notes to
them, which I at first thought meant setting them to mewsick, which I
by no means wanted, although he offered to do it grateass. He has now
explained his meanun, and I am going to get Mr. Golburn to print them
in a doodecimus book, with a prefass and portrait, to be done from a
Minotaur by Causeway, which is reckoned the himmige of me when I was
a gull, and for wich Mr. Ram. paid Mr. Causeway, (quite a Minotaur of
a man himself,) fifty jinnies.
You know I never rot to anybody but you, although some impotent
parsons have dared to call themselves the hawthurs of my lettus.
There is one of them squarecap fellows belonging to the Magdalen at
Hauksfut--which they say lives upon Ices--he says he rot some of
them, and one at Eating College says _he_ helped me, and another,
a bare blockhead whose name I never heard afore, goes about and
says _he_ rot 'em for me. He had better mind his tye pigs, and
adjustments, and dews and surplices, I can tell him, for all his
tong runs so glebe; for I never sot eye on him, nor he on me, as I
nose of--however, I am dissolved upon publishing them out and out.
Mr. Golburn wants them to come out in sheets, but I dont think that
quite _come ill fo_.
There is a moneyment of two old gentlemen who were my Aunt's sisters,
in a church in Lincumshire, done by Mr. Ruebellyache the great
Sculpture, which was admired by the late Mr. Noddlecums, whose
life has been published by his Taylor, and which cuts him up, sure
enough--I should like to have the view of this family Muzzleheum
in the book, if I could get it done in the new fashioned style of
Lithotomy, because it shoes all the harms of our family, Lions
sergeants, and the Lions parsons, and the Lions ramping, with the
shiverings and mullets, and argents, and oars, and sables, and gulls,
and all that, which we bore ever since William the Conqueror came
over with Quin Mary, of hoom, no doubt, you have read.
My Mr. Ramsbottom's family, although very good, is not connected with
that of the Hempee for Winsor, which family is eyely respectable
in their whey, and quite sillybratted for bruin the bear, wich is
so patternized in the neighbrood. Mr. Fulmer says, my dear Mr.
Ram is quite a different ramification, but he thinks if you would
just reckumend us to the Biblepole (I think he calls Mr. Goulburn)
he could make three volums out of my letters, what letters I have
received, his own notes, and all the notes the gals has got by way
of orthographs, and a dairy, which my dear Mr. Ram kept till the day
before he did.
I took my two eldest unmarried, the other day, to Mr. Devil's in
the Strand, to be felt--they call him Mr. De Feel, but he spells it
Deville, and calls _himself_ Mr. De Huile--he is a Hoyl-man and a
great proffessor of what is called _Free-knowledgey_[17]--he shewed
us the head of Sterne, which wrote many books, and also that of Sir
Eyes-ache Newton, the great astrologer--he says I have the largest
number one he ever saw, and when I cum away he sneered, and bid me
take care of number one, as if everybody didn't do that without _his_
telling.--He wanted to put a plaster on my head, and smear my face
with some of his lampile, and stick squills up my nose, and take what
he called a cast of my Hosfrontis--but I would not have none of his
manoovers with me, and I was very well pleased when I found myself
out of the shop.
Only think, Mr. B., of Lord Angelseye coming home--he is left tenant
of the castle no longer. Mr. Fulmer says he is like a hair which
gives up doubling when it takes to turning. I am quite sorry to think
what a state he must be in. Miss Biffin, or Billy Bowldish, the
corpulent gentleman who used to bump himself along the streets in a
band-box, an't nothing to compare with him. His Lordship told the
people of Ireland that he had left his _heart_ with _them_. Fulmer
says, before he said _that_, he must have lost his _head_, and I seed
one of his _legs_ buried at Whataloo--of course, after that, the only
thing left for him was to pack up his _trunk_, and come home; but
pollyticks I seldom tuches, only I _does_ like plain dealing.
Will you please to let me here from you, for you are a sad idol
corryspondent--you promises to rite, and never dus, which is very
disapinting. However, you must rite to give us leaf to print the
Ramsbottom Papers, which has been redressed to you--give me your
opinion about the minotaur and the muzzleum, and believe me, dear B.,
Your's, truly and sincere,
LAVINIA D. RAMSBOTTOM.
All our curcle join in kind regards--we have all got colds, and
guittars, and quinces, and roomatez--but we can expectorate nothing
less this cold wether.
XXII.
MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S OPINIONS ON POPERY.
TO JOHN BULL.
Gravesend, April 2, 1829.
MY DEAR B.,--I have taken a trumpery residence hear for the seeson
for the health of my therd gull, which is frequently effected with
a goose. I send you up a copy of the Gravesend Guide, which will
explain all the booty of the place, and all its convenences; the
passage in the steemboat is cheap and agreble, and we run up and down
every two or three tims in the weak.
Oh, B. B., I have got a krow to plock with you--I cannot make out
what makes you such a stench Protestant; poor dear Mr. Ram never
could bear Poppery, but I am afraid he was a biggoat at bottom,
for the mounsheer which marred my second, tells me that it is a
sweat religion, and that you can always get ablution for paying for
it--which is very pleasant.
I remember the riots of Hayti, when they burnt old Newgate and got to
all the goals; they raised several houses to the groand, and burned
Lord Mansfield's house in Bloomsbury-square, which was of brick and
stone; what would they have done with his Willy up at Highgate, which
is all made of Cane-wood; yet after all these I see he goes on in the
Hose of Pears a speeking agin the Roming Catlicks just as if nothin
had happened to him; he must be very antickated now I shoud think.
You have heard, in course, that the new Pop is erected. Mounsheer
tells me that Ginger was a very good Pop as ever was--he died
notwithstanding his infallowbility--all Pops go off--and that's as
it should be, for as they lives infallowbill so they infallowbelly
dies. Mounsheer told me that it was thought that either Carnal Fetch
or Carnal Comealongo would have been erected Pop, but that Charles
Deece would have put his Feeto upon Fetch, so they have erected
Castellioneye--they put poor Ginger after his deth into a cistern,
with his holy toes a protruding out of a grating for the people to
kiss.
I should have liked to be in Room when the concave was held. Oh Mr.
B. you very much mistake the Catlick Priesthood. All the stories you
hear of the Carnals keeping columbines is entirely calomel--they nose
better than to do such things as those--for my part, I hop to see
the day when all extinction of religion is forgot, and we shall see
all our halters occupied by Popish Priests. What does Mr. More, the
allmyknack maker, say on this toepick--
"Shall I ask the brave soger what fites by my side,
In the kaws of mankind if our creeds agree?
Shall I give up the friend I have vallied and tried,
If he kneel not afore the same halter with me?
From the hairytick gull of my sole shall I fly,
To seek somewhere's else a more authordox kiss?
No--perish the harts and the laws as try,
Truth, walour, and love, by a standurd like this."
I says ditto, ditto, to Mister More; why should we Hairyticks stick
up for our authordoxies, or any other sich, or despise the Roming
Catlicks--why, we are decanters from the holy church ourselves, just
as much as the Sauceinions and the Hairyuns,[18] and the Whistlings,
or any others, are from hours--can't we wusship, every one after his
own fashion--look at the Quackers--there's a sex, so pyehouse, and
demure, and desunt, in everything good and propper.
Why, do _you_ know, Mr. B., the Quacker ladies goes down to Grinnage,
and Woolidge, and Popular, and the Isle of Docks, and all them parts,
to phissit the poor feemale convix, which is about to be transpirted
to Von Demons Land and Bottomy bay, where the illustrus Cook first
found out the Cangarews--poor gulls, I think it a pitty to send out
the pretty Lassenies, they are some on 'em so juvenal. Oh, Muster
B., what must their Rum and essences be when they reclects Tim
past--some on 'em if they are hard working meretricious gulls, get
marred as soon as they gets to the Coloony, and when they does, Mr.
Fulmer tells me they play the very dooce with the Malt house system,
which I spose means that they drink too much hail, and bear in
proporshun.
A navel sergeant goes to take care on 'em, and see as they wants for
no thing--he locks them up every night, and never suffers no _Foxes
paws_, but keeps them quite creckt, and they are in sich order that
he has only just to talk of the lock and the key to subdoo e'm in a
minuet--poor creturs, them as I seed where chairful, and not one of
them was wiping, they had plenty of vitals, and spoke of the Coloony
as a nice place, and called the Guvenor a Darling--but it seems
wretched work--to hope for happiness there, is to follow an English
Fattyus, which you know is a Will of the Whips, which is seed in the
mashes.
But anuff of this--rite me word what you think of the Hopra--I think
Pisarowneye is a bootiful singer--I dont much like Specky, and as
for Mountijelly she harn't got no vice--not what I call a sweet
vice--Miss Blazes is harmonias, but I see by the bills that they have
denounced an Angel and a Devil to act, which I do not think _come
il pho_. I have not seen Suck Kelly, nor Bellygreeny, but I recleck
Mollybrown Garshia quite well. The new ballad of Mass and Kneelo is
quite splendead--there is a him to the Vergin, sung just like Tedium
in a church, and Wesuewius in the rear is quite tremendos. Colonel
O'Conner said he never saw a more beautiful crater in all his born
days, and he is quite a jug of those matters.
_Haprowpow dee Botts_--Why do you satyreyes my friends Lethbridge and
Fillpott--you give a whole chapter to the Dean every Sunday which is
too much, and as for calling Sir Tomass a rat, I deny the fack--at
least if he _is_ a rat, the day I saw him at dinner with Lord
Wenerables he must have twisted his tail into the bag behind him,
for I saw none of it.
I have no noose, except that we all wish you would come and explode
these parts--perhaps you will, after you have red the guide. The
passage is short and iconumical, only two shillings by the steam bot,
or as the French call it, the _pack bot avec peur_. Do come--we all
unite in best regards.
Yours, truly,
LAVINIA DOROTHEA RAMSBOTTOM.
XXIII.
MRS. RAMSBOTTOM AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY.
May, 1829.
DEAR B.,--As you haven't given any count of the Summerset House
expedition, which opened as weasal, the fust Monday in May, I thoght
perhaps a few loose remarks of mine and Lavy's would be exceptable,
therefore I rite to give you an int of what _we_ think.
Oh, that Precedent, Sir Tummas Larrence--I never seed such pitchers
as his--but I need not talk of those, because you nose his
merits--what I want is, to bring to your notice some of the young uns.
Well, B., away we went Wensday, and paid our munney at the dore, and
the man gave us a chick, and we bought our catlog, and then another
man tuck away my parisot, which never happened to me before, the many
ears I have seen in that place--he told me if I gave him my one, he
would give me a number--which deseived me, so I let him have it, and
he gave me a curd--this was just at the bottom of the great Achilles
with the fir knees wich is kept in a bird cage, to prevent the people
hurting his back--well, up we went--such a stare case--so hot was
I--however, at last up we got.