THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS.
1822-1831.
_NOW FIRST COLLECTED._
[The Letters of Mrs. Ramsbottom, complete and unabridged, are
here published in a collected form for the _first_ time. They
originally appeared in the pages of the _John Bull_ newspaper,
where their publication extended over a period of ten years.
A complete set of the _John Bull_ is now very rare, and, in
proof of this, we may state that when a London publisher
recently issued a cheap edition of the "Ramsbottom Letters,"
_thirteen_ were all that he could give, whereas the whole of _the
twenty-nine_ are here given, and genuine--just as they left the
pen of the witty author.]
THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS.
I.
MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S PARTY.
April, 1822.
On Thursday last, Mrs. Ramsbottom, of Pudding-lane, opened her
house to a numerous party of her friends. The drawing-room over
the compting-house, and the small closet upon the stairs, were
illuminated in a most tasteful manner, and Mr. Ramsbottom's own room
was appropriated to card-tables, where all-fours and cribbage were
the order of the night. Several pounds were won and lost.
The shop was handsomely fitted up for quadrilles, which began as soon
as it was dark; the rooms being lighted with an abundance of patent
lamps, and decorated with artificial flowers. The first quadrille was
danced by--
MR. SIMPSON, JUN. and MISS RAMSBOTTOM
MR. BOTIBOL MISS E. A. RAMSBOTTOM
MR. GREEN MISS ROSALIE RAMSBOTTOM
MR. MUGLISTON MISS CHARLOTTE RAMSBOTTOM
MR. HIGGINBOTHAM MISS LILLA RAMSBOTTOM
MR. ARTHUR STUBBS MISS LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM
MR. O'REILLY MISS FRANCES HOGSFLESH
A FRENCH COUNT (_name unknown_) MISS RACHEL SOLOMONS.
At half-past ten the supper-room was thrown open, and presented to
the admiring eyes of the company a most elegant and substantial hot
repast. The mackerel and fennel-sauce were particularly noticed, as
were the boiled legs of lamb and spinach; and we cannot sufficiently
praise the celerity with which the ham and sausages were removed, as
the respectable families of the Jewish persuasion entered the room.
The port and sherry were of the first quality. Supper lasted till
about a quarter past two, when dancing was resumed, and continued
till Sol warned the festive party to disperse.
The dresses of the company were remarkably elegant. Mrs. Ramsbottom
was simply attired in a pea-green satin dress, looped up with crimson
cord and tassels, with a bright yellow silk turban and hair to match;
a magnificent French watch, chain, and seals were suspended from
her left side, and her neck was adorned with a very elegant row of
full-sized sky-blue beads, pendant to which was a handsome miniature
of Mr. Ramsbottom, in the costume of a corporal in the Limehouse
Volunteers, of which corps he was justly considered the brightest
ornament.
The Misses Ramsbottom were dressed alike, in sky-blue dresses,
trimmed with white bugles, blue bead necklaces, and ear-rings _en
suite_. We never saw a more pleasing exhibition of female beauty,
the sylph-like forms of the three youngest, contrasted with the
high-conditioned elegance of the two eldest, formed a pleasing
variety; while the uniform appearance of the family red hair, set off
by the cerulean glow of the drapery, gave a sympathetic sameness to
the group, which could not fail to be interesting to the admirers of
domestic happiness.
The Misses Solomons attracted particular notice, as did the
fascinating Miss Louisa Doddell, and the lovely Miss Hogsflesh,
delighted the company after supper with the plaintive air of "Nobody
coming to marry me;" Mr. Stubbs and Mr. J. Stubbs sang "All's well"
with great effect, and Mr. Doddell and his accomplished sister were
rapturously encored in the duet of "Oh Nanny, wilt thou gang wi' me?"
Among the company we noticed--
The French Count (name unknown, but introduced by Mr. J. Stubbs).
Mistresses Dawes, Bumstead, Gordon, Green, five Smiths, Jones, Hall,
Ball, Small, Wall, Groves, Taylor, Dixon, Figgins, Stubbs, Lightfoot,
Hogsflesh, Muggins, Higginbottom, Cruikshanks, Barnet, Levi,
Solomons, Ricardo, Hume, Hone, Parker, Wilde, Cummins, Farthing,
Thompson, Anderson, Tod, Smallpiece, Flint, Doddell, Peppercorn,
Adcock and Pyman.
Misses Stubbs, 2 Grubbs, 11 Smiths, Lightfoot, Simmons, 3 Halfpennys,
Hall, Ball, Small, Wall, Barton, 3 Jones's, Hogsflesh, Eglantine
Hogsflesh, 2 Greens, 4 Hones, Ricardo, Williams, 2 Doddells,
Peppercorn, Holman, Figgins, Garbett, Burton, Morgan, Ellis, Levi,
Flint, 3 Farthings, Eversfield and Parkinson.
Doctor Dixon, Lieut. Cox, R.N., Ensign Ellmore, H.P.
Messrs. Green, Halfpenny, Butterfield, Dabbs, Harmer, Griffiths,
Grubb, Hogsflesh, Hall, Ball, Small, Wall, Taylor, Tod, Adcock,
Flint, Doddell, J. Doddle, A. Doddell, T. Doddell, Farrell, O'Reilly,
Yardley, Muscatt, Dabbs, Giblett, Barber, Sniggs, Cocker, Hume,
Bernelle, Moses, Levi, Hone, Ellice, Higginbottom, White, Brown,
Stubbs, J. Stubbs, S. Rogers, Hicks, Moore, Morgan, Luttrell, etc.
His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, Lady Morgan, Mr. Ex-Sheriff
Parkins, Sir Robert Wilson, and General Pepe were expected, but did
not come.
II.
MISS LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM.
April 27, 1823.
The following is from no less a personage than our fair favourite,
Miss Lavinia Ramsbottom:--
"Ma' desires me to write to you, to say that you are quite out in
your reckoning as to dry-salters and citizens going to the Opera in
hackney-coaches, and she hopes you will correct your calumny about
our being in the straw. A friend of Pa's, who lives in the Minories,
who is a great friend of Mr. Broom's, the Queen's lawyer, says that
you are very malicious, and that, after all your pretended kindness
last year, in putting in Ma's account of our party _gratis_ for
nothing, you only did it to quiz us; and Ma' says she shall continue
to go to the Opera as long as she pleases, and she does not care
whether the people have any clothes on, or none, so long as her
betters countenances it.
"P.S.--Pa's young men play at Cardinal Puff, with table-beer, after
supper every night,--so you see we have got _that_ from the West End."
III.
MISS LAVINIA'S LETTER FROM PARIS, FORWARDING HER MOTHER'S JOURNAL IN
ENGLAND AND FRANCE.
TO JOHN BULL.
Paris, Dec. 10, 1823.
MY DEAR MR. B.,--The kindness with which you put in the account of
our party last year, induces my Mamma to desire me to write to you
again, to know if you would like to insert a journal of her travels.
My Papa has retired from business; he has left the shop in the
Minories, and has taken a house in Montague Place--a beautiful street
very far west, and near the British Museum--and my two younger
sisters have been sent over here, to improve their education and
their morals, and Mamma and I came over last week to see them, and
if they had got polish enough, to take them home again. Papa would
not come with us, because, when he was quite a youth, he got a very
great alarm in Chelsea Reach, because the waterman would put up a
sail, and from that time to this he never can be prevailed upon to go
to sea; so we came over under the care of Mr. Fulmer, the banker's
son, who was coming to his family.
Mamma has not devoted much of her time to the study of English, and
does not understand French at all, and therefore perhaps her journal
will here and there appear incorrect, but she is a great etymologist,
and so fond of you, that although I believe Mr. Murray, the great
bookseller in Albemarle Street, would give her, I do not know how
many thousand pounds for her book, if she published it "all in the
lump," as Papa says, she prefers sending it to you piecemeal, and so
you will have it every now and then, as a portion of it is done. I
have seen Mr. Fulmer laugh sometimes when she has been reading it;
but I see nothing to laugh at, except the hard words she uses, and
the pains she takes to find out meanings for things. She says if you
do not like to print it, you may let Murray have it--but that, of
course, she would prefer your doing it.
I enclose a portion--more shall come soon. Papa, I believe, means
to ask you to dinner when we get back to town; he says you are
a terrible body, and as he has two or three weak points in his
character, he thinks it better to be friends with you than foes. I
know of but one fault he has--yes, perhaps two--but I will not tell
you what they are till I see whether you publish Mamma's journal.
Adieu! I was very angry with you for praising little Miss M. at the
Lord Mayor's Dinner; I know her only by sight: we are not quite in
those circles yet, but I think when we get into Montague Place we may
see something of life. She is a very pretty girl, and very amiable,
and that is the truth of it, but you had no business to say so, you
fickle monster.
Yours truly,
LAVINIA HIGGINBOTTOM.
We proceeded, after reading this letter, to open the enclosure,
and found what follows. We do not presume to alter one word, but
when any trifling difficulty occurs, arising from the depth of Mrs.
Higginbottom's research, we have ventured to insert a note. The title
of the manuscript is
ENGLAND AND FRANCE,
BY DOROTHEA JULIA HIGGINBOTTOM.
And thus, gentle reader, it ran:--
"Having often heard travellers lament not having put down what they
call the memorybillious of their journies, I was determined while
I was on my tower, to keep a dairy (so called from containing the
cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to
me--therefore I begin with my departure from London.
"Resolving to take time by the firelock, we left Mountague Place at
seven o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over
Westminster-bridge to explode the European continent.
"I never pass Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of
Charles the Second, who was decimated after the rebellion of 1745
opposite the Horse-Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon
rings in my ears whenever I pass the spot--I reverted my head, and
affected to look to see what o'clock it was by the dial, on the
opposite side of the way.
"It is quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part
of the town; the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall,
and its curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder
was called William Roofus.
"Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture, is Ashley's
Ampletheatre, on your right, as you cross the bridge, (which was
built, Mr. Fulmer told me, by the Court of Arches and the House of
Peers). In this ampletheatre there are equestrian performances, so
called because they are exhibeted nightly--during the season.
"It is quite impossible to quit this 'mighty maze,' as Lady Hopkins
emphatically calls London, in her erudite 'Essay upon Granite,'
without feeling a thousand powerful sensations--so much wealth, so
much virtue, so much vice, such business as is carried on, within its
precincts, such influence as its inhabitants possess in every part of
the civilized world--it really exalts the mind from meaner things,
and casts all minor considerations far behind one.
"The toll at the Marsh-gate is ris since we last come through--it was
here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who had
promised to go with us to Dover, but we found his servant instead of
himself, with a billy, to say he was sorry he could not come, because
his friend, Sir John somebody, wished him to stay and go down to Poll
at Lincoln. I have no doubt this Poll, whoever she may be, is a very
respectable young woman, but mentioning her, by her Christian name
only, in so abrupt a manner, had a very unpleasant appearance at any
rate.
"Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the Obstacle in
St. George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those
great institutions, the 'School for the Indignant Blind,' and the
'Misanthropic Society' for making shoes, both of which claim the
gratitude of the nation.
"At the corner of the lane leading to Peckham, I saw that they had
removed the Dollygraph which used to stand up on the declivity to
the right of the road--the dollygraphs are all to be superseded by
Serampores.
"When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath we had an opportunity
of noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green,
and the man is black; Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by
saying that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and
Heaths being a kind of Moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as
the cause of the mistake.
"N.B. Colman is the eminent Itinerary Surgeon, who constantly resides
at St. Pancras.
"As we went near Woolwich we saw at a distance the artillery officers
on a common, a firing away with their bombs in mortars like any thing.
"At Dartford they make gunpowder; here we changed horses, at the
inn we saw a most beautiful Rhoderick Random in a pot, covered with
flowers, it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. [Note
(Rhododendron).]
"When we got to Rochester we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold
collection: the charge was absorbent--I had often heard my poor dear
husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and a Bill of Wrights,
but I had no idea what it really meant till we had to pay one.
"As we passed near Chatham I saw several Pitts, and Mr. Fulmer
showed me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were
fortyfications, but I think there must have been near fifty of
them--he also shewed us the Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite
distinctly, with the clothes drying on them. Rochester was remarkable
in King Charles's time, for being a very witty and dissolute place,
as I have read in books.
"At Canterbury we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable
buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighbourhood;
the church is beautiful: when Oliver Cromwell conquered William
the Third, he perverted it into a stable--the stalls are still
standing--the old Virgin who shewed us the church, wore buckskin
breeches and powder--he said it was an archypiscopal sea, but I saw
no sea, nor do I think it possible he could see it either, for it is
at least seventeen miles off--we saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my
poor husband was extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one
of his nephews, a very nice man, who lives near Golden-square, dined
with us twice, I think, in London--in Trinity Chapel is the monument
of Eau de Cologne, just as it is now exhibiting at the Diarrea in the
Regent's Park.
"It was late when we got to Dover: we walked about while our dinner
was preparing, looking forward to our snug _tête-à-tête_ of three--we
went to look at the sea, so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted
view one has, when upon it--it was very curious to see the locks to
keep in the water here, and the keys which are on each side of them,
all ready, I suppose, to open them if they were wanted.
"Mr. Fulmer looked at a high place, and talked of Shakspeare, and
said out of his own head, these beautiful lines.--
"Half way down
Hangs one that gathers camphire, dreadful trade."
"This, I think it but right to say, I did not myself see.--
"Methinks he seems no bigger than his head,
The fishermen that walk upon the beach
Appear like mice."
"This, again, I cannot quite agree to, for where we stood, they
looked exactly like men, only smaller, which I attribute to the
effect of distance--and then Mr. Fulmer said this--
"And yon tall anchoring bark
Diminished to her cock--her cock a boy!"
"This latter part I do not in the least understand, nor what Mr.
Fulmer meant by cock a boy--however, Lavinia seemed to comprehend it
all, for she turned up her eyes and said something about the immortal
bird of heaven--so I suppose they were alluding to the eagles, which
doubtless build their aviaries in that white mountain--(immortal bard
of Avon, the lady means).
"After dinner we read the Paris Guide, and looked over the list of
all the people who had been incontinent during the season, whose
names are all put down in a book at the inn, for the purpose--we went
to rest, much fatigued, knowing that we should be obliged to get up
early, to be ready for embrocation in the packet in the morning.
"We were, however, awake with the owl, and a walking a way before
eight, we went to see the castle--which was built, the man told us,
by Seizer, so called, I conclude, from seizing whatever he could lay
his hands on--the man said moreover that he had invaded Britain and
conquered it, upon which I told him that if he repeated such a thing
in my presence again, I should write to Mr. Peel about him.
"We saw the inn where Alexander, the Autograph of all the Russias,
lived when he was here, and as we were going along, we met twenty or
thirty dragons mounted on horses, the ensign who commanded them was a
friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at Lavinia, and seemed pleased with
her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a _sine qua non_ of a man, and
wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins's poodle.
"I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of Marr's; he spoke it as if
every body knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the
poor gentleman, who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near
Ratcliffe Highway: if he is, he is uncommon genteel.
"At twelve o'clock we got into a boat and rowed to the packet; it was
very fine and clear for the season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not
dislike pulling Lavinia about, all the morning: this I believe was a
naughtycal phrase, which I did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F.
never offered to talk in that way on shore, to either of us.
"The packet is not a parcel as I imagined, in which we were to be
made up for exportation, but a boat of considerable size; it is
called a cutter--why, I do not know, and did not like to ask. It
was very curious to see how it rolled about--however I felt quite
mal-apropos, and instead of exciting any of the soft sensibilities
of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the handle of the
ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought his arm for
protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I ascended into
the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever beheld, where ladies
and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a library, and
where tall men are doubled up like boot-jacks, before they can be
put away at all.
"A gentleman in a hairy cap without his coat, laid me perpendicularly
on a mattress, with a basin by my side, and said that was my birth;
I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so indisposed
in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable middle-aged
gentleman with a bald head, who had the misfortune to be attending
upon his wife, in the little hole under me.
"There was no symphony to be found among the tars, (so called from
their smell) for just before we went off I heard them throw a painter
overboard, and directly after, they called out to one another to
hoist up an ensign. I was too ill to enquire what the poor young
gentleman had done, but after I came up stairs I did not see his body
hanging anywhere, so I conclude they had cut him down; I hope it was
not young Mr. Marr a venturing after my Lavy.
"I was quite shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they
seem to hate the nobility, and especially the law lords: the way I
discovered this apathy of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very
moment we lost sight of England and were close to France, they began,
one and all, to swear first at the peer, and then at the bar, in such
gross terms as made my very blood run cold.
"I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. Fulmer in
the travelling carriage on the outside of the packet. But Lavinia
afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her
feelings--it is curious what could have agitated the billiary ducks
of my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended
in different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton
chops at breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two
eggs, two cups of coffee and three of tea, besides toast, a little
fried whiting, some potted charr, and a few shrimps, and after
breakfast I took a glass of warm white wine negus, and a few oysters,
which lasted me till we got into the boat, when I began eating
gingerbread nuts, all the way to the packet, and then was persuaded
to take a glass of bottled porter to keep every thing snug and
comfortable."
* * * * *
And here ends our present communication. We are mightily obliged
to Miss Higginbottom, and shall with great pleasure continue the
journal, whenever we are presented with it.
IV.
HIGGINBOTTOM AND RAMSBOTTOM.
TO JOHN BULL.
Montague Place, Dec. 24, 1823.
SIR,--I never wished either my wife or daughter to turn authoresses,
as I think ladies which write books are called, and I should have set
my face against the publication of my wife's Journal of her Tour if I
had been consulted; but the truth is, they seldom ask me anything as
to what is to be done, until they have first done it themselves.
Now I like you, because you have done the West Indians a good turn,
and also because you try to put down the papishes; but there _is_ a
thing which under all the circumstances vexes me, because, as you
may remember, Mr. Burke said, "anything which is worth doing is
worth doing well." What I quarrel with you for is, that you put my
wife's name and my daughter's name as Mrs. and Miss Higginbottom,
whereas our name is Ramsbottom, and whether it be the stupidity of
your printers, or that my daughter, who has been three years at an
uncommon fine school at Hackney, cannot write plain, I do not pretend
to say; but I do not like it, because, since every tub should stand
on its own bottom, I think the Higginbottoms should not have the
credit of doing what the Ramsbottoms actually do.
Perhaps you will correct this little error: it hurts me, because, as
I said before, I like you very much, and I have got a few cases of
particular champagne, a wine which my friend Rogers tells me, you are
extremely fond of, and which he says is better than all the "real
pain" in the world--(nobody ever said it before); and when the women
return from over the horrid sea, I hope you will come and drink some
of it; so pray just make an _erratum_, as the booksellers say, and
put our right names in your paper, by doing which you will really
oblige, your's,
HUMPHREY RAMSBOTTOM.
P.S.--My second daughter is a very fine girl, and I think as clever
as Lavy, and writes a much clearer hand--you shall see her when you
come to M---- Place.
V.
MISS LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM FORWARDS THE CONTINUATION OF HER MOTHER'S
DIARY.
TO JOHN BULL.
Paris, Dec. 28, 1823.
DEAR MR. B.,--I never was so surprised in my life as when we got
your paper here, to see that your printing people had called Ma' and
me Higginbottom--I was sure, and I told Ma' so, that it could not
be your fault, because you could not have made such a mistake in my
handwriting, nor could you have forgotten me so much as to have done
such a thing; but I suppose you were so happy and comfortable with
your friends (for judging by the number of your enemies you must have
a host of them) at this merry season, that you did not pay so much
attention to your correspondents as usual. I forgive you, my dear
Mr. B.--Christmas comes but once a-year, and I assure you we had a
small lump of roast beef (_portion pour deux_) from M. Godeau's, over
the way, to keep up our national custom--the man actually asked Ma'
whether she would have a _rost-bif de mouton_; so little do they know
anything about it. I send another portion of Ma's diary--you spelt it
"dairy" in the paper--I don't know whether Ma' put it so herself--she
is quite pleased at seeing it published, and Mr. Fulmer called and
said it was capital.
We have just come from the Ambassador's chapel, and are going to
see St. Cloud directly, so I cannot write much myself, but must say
adieu.--Always believe me, dear Mr. B., yours truly,
LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM.
ENGLAND AND FRANCE,
BY DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM.
(_Continued._)
"When we came near the French shore, a batto (which is much the same
as a boat in England) came off to us, and, to my agreeable surprise,
an Englishman came into our ship; and I believe he was a man of great
consequence, for I overheard him explaining some dreadful quarrel
which had taken place in our Royal Family.