TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE
Italic text is denoted by _underscores_.
Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=.
The 3-star asterism symbol in the Catalog after the Index is denoted
by ***.
Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been
corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within
the text and consultation of external sources. Many passages have
deliberate misspelling for humorous effect.
More detail can be found at the end of the book.
[Illustration: Yours faithfully
Theodore E. Hook]
THE CHOICE
HUMOROUS WORKS
Ludicrous Adventures, Bons Mots, Puns, and Hoaxes
OF
THEODORE HOOK
[Illustration: THEODORE HOOK'S HOUSE, NEAR PUTNEY.]
A NEW EDITION
WITH
_LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, PORTRAITS BY MACLISE AND D'ORSAY,
CARICATURES, AND FACSIMILES_
London
CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY
1883
CONTENTS.
PAGE
MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK 3
THE RAMSBOTTOM PAPERS:--
I. Mrs. Ramsbottom's Party 41
II. Miss Lavinia Ramsbottom 43
III. Miss Lavinia's Letter from Paris, forwarding her
Mother's Journal in England and France 44
IV. Higginbottom and Ramsbottom 52
V. Miss Lavinia Ramsbottom forwards the Continuation
of her Mother's Diary 53
VI. Adventures at Paris 60
VII. Further Adventures at Paris 62
VIII. Mrs. Ramsbottom back in London 66
IX. Mrs. Ramsbottom at Rome 69
X. Mrs. Ramsbottom objects to be _Dramatised_ 72
XI. Mrs. Ramsbottom writes from Dieppe 73
XII. Hastings 75
XIII. Mrs. Ramsbottom on the House of Commons 78
XIV. Mrs. Ramsbottom on the Canning Administration 81
XV. Mrs. Ramsbottom on Smoking 84
XVI. Mrs. Ramsbottom's Conundrums 85
XVII. A Letter from Cheltenham 87
XVIII. Hastings again 90
XIX. News from Hastings 94
XX. Mrs. Ramsbottom on the relative merits of Margate
and Brighton 96
XXI. Mrs. Ramsbottom contemplates the Collection of her
Letters into a volume 102
XXII. Mrs. Ramsbottom on Popery 105
XXIII. Mrs. Ramsbottom at the Royal Academy 108
XXIV. Mrs. Ramsbottom at the "Chiswick Fête" 111
XXV. A Letter from Walmer 117
XXVI. A Peck of Troubles 118
XXVII. Mrs. Ramsbottom on Public Events 120
XXVIII. Mrs. Ramsbottom declares herself a Convert to
"Reform" 123
XXIX. Mrs. Ramsbottom on the House of Lords 128
POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS:--
Carmen Æstuale 133
Ass-ass-ination 135
Michael's Dinner 138
Mrs. Muggins's Visit to the Queen 140
Hunting the Hare 147
The City Concert 152
Invitations to Dinner 156
Vacation Reminiscences 159
Reminiscences Continued 162
Gaffer Grey 166
The Idle Apprentice turned Informer 170
The Queen's Subscription 174
Opposition 178
The Invitation 184
The Beggars--A New Song 188
Bubbles of 1825 194
The Grand Revolution 197
Imitation of Bunbury's "Little Grey Man" 200
Humpty-Dumpty 203
Parody--"While Johnny Gale Jones" 204
Parody--"The young May Moon" 205
Disappointment 206
TENTAMEN; OR, AN ESSAY TOWARDS THE HISTORY OF
WHITTINGTON, SOME TIME LORD MAYOR OF LONDON 207
MISCELLANIES, IN VERSE AND PROSE:--
Mr. Ward's Allegorical Picture of Waterloo 249
Letter from a Goose 259
The Hum-Fum Gamboogee Society 262
Moral Theatricals 269
Private Correspondence of Public Men 275
The Cockney's Letter 280
Byroniana 284
Lord Wenables 288
Lord Wenables Again 304
Modern Improvements (Two Letters) 309
Punning, with Cautionary Verses to Youth of both Sexes 316
Fashionable Parties 322
A Day's Proceedings of a Reformed Parliament 325
Clubs 333
Rachel Stubbs' Letter to Richard Turner 336
Mr. Minus the Poet 338
National Distress 339
Hints for the Levee 347
The Inconsistencies of Cant 350
Prince Puckler-Muskau's Tour 355
Prospectus for a General Burying Company 388
Letter from John Trot to John Bull 392
The March of Intellect 395
Sunday Bills 400
The Spinster's Progress 405
Errors of the Press 409
The Visit to Wrigglesworth 413
A Visit to the Old Bailey 440
The Toothpick-makers' Company 453
The Man-servant's Letter 464
The Bibliomaniac 468
Absence of Mind 469
A Distinguished Traveller 470
Daly's Practical Jokes 471
The Ballet 492
Toll-gates and their Keepers 496
Tom Sheridan's Adventure 499
Polly Higginbottom 503
Song--"Mary once had Lovers two" 504
Philip and Donna Louisa 505
The Blacksmith 506
"My Father did so before me" 507
"Throughout my Life the Girls I've pleased" 508
The Chambermaid 509
Song, "When I was a very little Fellow" 509
Sir Tilbury Tott 511
"Venice Preserved" 513
Daylight Dinners 515
Clubs! 516
Visitings 518
The Quill Manufacturer 522
Epigram on Twining's Tea 522
On the Latin Gerunds 522
The Splendid Annual 523
ANECDOTES, HOAXES, AND JESTS:--
The Berners-street Hoax 539
Romeo Coates 541
Hook, Mathews, and the Alderman 542
A Strange Dinner 544
Ludicrous Adventure at Sunbury 547
Charles Mathews and Hook 552
Hook's "First Appearance" 553
Hook and Dowton the Actor 554
Letter from Mauritius 555
Evading a Coach Fare 557
Unsuccessful Hunt for a Dinner 559
Hook at Lord Melville's Trial 560
The Thirty-nine Articles 562
"Chaffing" a Proctor 562
Summary Proceedings of Winter 563
"Something Wrong in the Chest" 564
Warren's Blacking 564
The Wine-cellar and the Book-seller 565
Sir Robert Peel's Anecdote of Theodore Hook 565
A Receipt against Night Air 566
Punting 566
"List" Shoes 567
"The Abattoir" 568
Putney Bridge 568
"Mr. Thompson is Tired" 568
The Original "Paul Pry" 569
Hook and Tom Hill 570
Hook's Politeness 570
A Biscuit and a Glass of Sherry 571
Much Alike 572
Private Medical Practice 572
Hook's Street Fun 572
A Misnomer 572
"Contingencies" 573
"The Widow's Mite" 573
Hook's Extempore Verses 573
Hook Extemporises a Melodrama 575
"Ass-ass-ination" 578
"Weather or No" 578
Diamond Cut Diamond 579
Tom Moore--Losing a Hat 579
"Good Night" 579
[Illustration: (end of section icon)]
[Illustration: PUTNEY, AS SEEN FROM THE SITTING-ROOM WINDOW OF HOOK'S
COTTAGE.]
[Illustration: SPECIMEN OF THEODORE HOOK'S AUTOGRAPH.]
MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK.
MEMOIR OF THEODORE HOOK.
The life of the distinguished humourist whose _opera minora_ we now
present to the world, was so chequered and diversified by remarkable
incidents and adventures, and passed so much in the broad eye of the
world and of society, as to be more than ordinarily interesting.
The biography of a man of letters in modern times seldom affords so
entertaining a narrative, or so instructive and pathetic a lesson,
exhibiting how useless and futile are the most brilliant powers and
talents, both original and transmitted, without a due admixture of
that moral principle and wisdom in daily life necessary to temper and
control them.
THEODORE EDWARD HOOK--one of the most brilliant wits, and one of the
most successful novelists of this century--was born in London, at
Charlotte Street, Bedford Square, on the 22nd of September, 1788, in
the same year as Lord Byron, whose contemporary he afterwards was at
Harrow. The first school that Theodore attended was an "academy,"
in the Vauxhall districts. The master, a Mr. Allen, had also other
pupils in his charge who afterwards rose to eminence. Here he
remained till his tenth year, when he was sent to a kind of seminary
for young gentlemen, a green-doored, brass-plated establishment,
in Soho Square. While at this school, he appears systematically to
have played truant, to have employed his time in wandering about
the streets, and to have invented ingenious excuses to explain his
absence to the authorities. On the day of the illumination for the
Peace of Amiens, he preferred to spend the morning at home, and
informed his parents that a whole holiday had been given on account
of the general rejoicings. Unfortunately, his elder brother, James,
happened to pass through the Square, and observing signs of business
going on as usual at the academy, he went in, made inquiries, and
found that the young scape-grace had not made his appearance there
for three weeks. Theodore, instead of witnessing the fireworks,
was duly punished, and locked up in the garret for the rest of the
afternoon.
Theodore was the second son of Mr. James Hook, the popular musical
composer, whose pleasing strains had delighted the preceding
generation, when Vauxhall Garden was a fashionable resort. His
mother (a Miss Madden) is described as a woman of singular beauty,
talents,[1] accomplishments, and worth. To the fact that he lost her
gentle guidance at the early age of fourteen, may be attributed many
of the misfortunes and irregularities of his after-life.
There was but one other child of Mr. James Hook's first marriage,
the late Dr. James Hook, Dean of Worcester; and he being Theodore's
senior by eighteen years, had left the paternal roof long before the
latter was sent to school.
The Dean, with a great deal of the wit and humour that made his
brother famous,[2] and with perhaps much the same original cast of
disposition and temper generally, had possessed one great advantage
over him at the start of life. His excellent mother watched over him
all through the years of youth and early manhood. Theodore could
only remember her, and fondly and tenderly he did so to the last,
as the gentle parent of a happy child. He had just approached the
first era of peril when this considerate and firm-minded woman was
lost to her family. The composer soon afterwards married again; but
Theodore found not, what, in spite of a thousand proverbs, many
men have found under such circumstances--a second mother. But for
that deprivation we can hardly doubt that he might, like his more
fortunate brother, have learned to regulate his passions and control
his spirits, and risen to fill with grace some high position in an
honourable profession. The calamitous loss of his mother is shadowed
very distinctly in one of his novels, and the unlucky hero (Gilbert
Gurney) is represented as having a single prosperous brother,
exactly eighteen years older than himself. But, indeed, that novel
is very largely autobiographical: when his diary alludes to it as in
progress, the usual phrase is, "Working at my Life."
Born in the same year with Lord Byron and Sir Robert Peel, he was
their schoolfellow at Harrow, but not in the same memorable form,
though he often alluded to the coincidence of dates with an obvious
mixture of pride and regret--perhaps we ought to say, remorse.
We have met with no account of him whatever by any one who knew him
familiarly at that period. That he was as careless and inattentive to
the proper studies of the place, as he represents his Gurney to have
been, will not be thought improbable by most of his readers. But his
early performances, now forgotten, display many otiose quotations
from the classics, and even from the modern Latin poets; and these
specimens of juvenile pedantry must be allowed to indicate a vein
of ambition which could hardly have failed, with a mind of such
alacrity, to produce some not inconsiderable measure of attainment.
His entrance at Harrow was signalized by the perpetration of a
practical joke, which might have been attended with serious
consequences. On the night of his arrival, he was instigated by
young Byron, whose contemporary he was, to throw a stone at a window
where an elderly lady, Mrs. Drury, was undressing. Hook instantly
complied; but, though the window was broken, the lady happily escaped
unhurt. Whatever degree of boyish intimacy he might at this time
have contracted with his lordship, it was not sufficient to preserve
him from an ill-natured and uncalled-for sneer in the "English Bards
and Scotch Reviewers," an aggression amply repaid by the severe
strictures which appeared in the _John Bull_ on certain of the noble
bard's effusions, and on the "Satanic school of poetry" in general.
The acquaintance, such as it was, was broken off by Hook's premature
withdrawal from Harrow, and does not appear to have been resumed.
In 1802, his excellent mother died, and with her perished the only
hope of restraining the youthful Theodore within those bounds most
essential to be preserved at his age, and of maintaining him in that
course of study, which, if persevered in for a few years more, might
have enabled him to reach a position not less honourable than that
enjoyed by his more prosperous brother. Mrs. Hook appears, indeed,
to have been one of those best of wives and women, who, by the
unobtrusive and almost unconscious exercise of a superior judgment,
effect much towards preserving the position and respectability of a
family constantly imperilled by the indiscretion of its head--one
who, like a sweet air wedded to indifferent words, serves to disguise
and compensate for the inferiority of her helpmate.
Theodore's father, a clever but weak man, was easily persuaded not
to send him back to Harrow. He was proud already of his boy, found
his company at home a great solace at first, and even before the
house received its new mistress, had begun to discover that one of
his precocious talents might be turned to some account financially.
Theodore had an exquisite ear, and was already, living from the
cradle in a musical atmosphere, an expert player on the pianoforte;
his voice was rich, sweet, and powerful; he could sing a pathetic
song well, a comic one charmingly. One evening he enchanted his
father especially by his singing, to his own accompaniment, two new
ballads, one grave and one gay. Whence the airs--whence the words?
It turned out that verse and music were alike his own: in the music
the composer perceived much that might be remedied, but the verses
were to him faultless--meaning probably not much, but nothing more
soft than the liquid flow of the vocables, nothing more easy than
the balance of the lines. Here was a mine for the veteran artist;
hitherto he had been forced to import his words; now the whole
manufacture might go on at home. Snug, comfortable, amiable domestic
arrangement! The boy was delighted with the prospect--and at sixteen
his fate was fixed.
In the course of the following six years Theodore Hook produced at
least a dozen vaudevilles, comic operas, and dramatic pieces for the
stage, which all enjoyed a considerable run of popularity in their
time, but are now entirely, and perhaps deservedly, forgotten. His
_coup-d'essai_ in this line appeared in 1805, under the title of "The
Soldier's Return; or, What can Beauty do? a comic opera in two acts,
as performed at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane."
It would be as absurd to criticise such a piece as last year's
pantomime--like that, it answered its purpose and its author's, and
no more is to be said. At the same time, amidst all its mad, impudent
nonsense, there are here and there jokes which, if unborrowed,
deserved the applause of the pit. A traveller coming up to an
inn-door, says, "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?"
"Yes, sir," answers Boniface, "my wife has been dead these three
weeks." We might quote one or two more apparently genuine Theodores.
The dialogue, such as it is, dances along, and the songs read
themselves into singing.
His _modus operandi_ in producing this earliest piece, was
ingenious. He bought three or four French vaudevilles, filched an
incident from each, and thus made up his drama.
The production of this little piece brought the young author into
contact with Mathews and Liston. These distinguished comedians were
both considerably his seniors. Both had their own peculiar style,
and yet both seemed at their best when treading the boards together.
With the view of providing an opportunity for their joint appearance,
Theodore Hook planned his second afterpiece, "Catch Him who Can"
(1806), in which abundant opportunity was contrived for exhibiting
the grave irresistible drollery of Liston in contrast with the
equally matchless vivacity and versatility of the prince of mimics
and ventriloquists. In the course of the farce Mathews figured in, we
think, seven different disguises. Such acting would have insured the
triumph of even a worse thing than the "Soldier's Return,"--but this
was better than that in every respect. One of Liston's songs was long
in vogue, perhaps still survives--
"I sing the loves, the smiling loves,
Of Clutterbuck and Higginbottom."
There are three other readable songs, "Mary," "Donna Louisa
Isabella," and the "Blacksmith," and not a few meritorious points in
the dialogue. It is impossible, however, as we have already hinted,
to be sure of the originality of anything either in the plot or the
dialogue of these early pieces. Hook pilfers with as much audacity as
any of his valets, and uses the plunder occasionally with a wonderful
want of thought. Liston's sweetheart, for instance, a tricky
chambermaid, knocks him down with Pope's famous saying, "Every man
has just as much vanity as he wants understanding."
"The Invisible Girl" next followed (1806). The idea appears to have
been taken from a newspaper account of a new French vaudeville;[3]
but it was worked out by the adapter with very great cleverness.
The fun is, that with a crowd of _dramatis personæ_, a rapid
succession of situations, and even considerable complication of
intrigue, no character ever gets out more than _yes_, _no_, a
_but_, a _hem_, or a _still_--except the indefatigable hero Captain
Allclack--for whose part it is difficult to believe that any English
powers but Jack Bannister's in his heyday could ever have been
adequate. This affair had a great run; and no wonder. If anybody
could play the Captain now, it would fill the house for a season.
Under a somewhat altered form, and with the title of "Patter _versus_
Clatter," it has indeed been reproduced by Mr. Charles Mathews, with
great success.
In the following year (1807) a drama, by Hook, in three acts,
entitled "The Fortress," and also taken from the French, was produced
at the Haymarket. As a fair specimen of the easy jingle with which
these pieces abounded, we select a song sung by Mathews, in the
character of Vincent, a gardener, much in vogue in its day:--
"When I was a chicken I went to school,
My master would call me an obstinate fool,
For I ruled the roast, and I roasted all rule,
And he wondered however he bore me;
I fired his wig, and I laughed at the smoke,
And always replied, if he rowed at the joke,
Why--my father did so before me!
I met a young girl, and I prayed to the miss,
I fell on my knee, and I asked for a kiss,
She twice said no, but she once said yes,
And in marriage declared she'd restore me.
We loved and we quarrell'd, like April our strife,
I guzzled my stoup, and I buried my wife,
But the thing that consoled me at this time of life
Was--my father did so before me!
Then, now I'm resolved all sorrows to blink,
Since winkin's the tippy, I'll tip them the wink,
I'll never get drunk when I cannot get drink,
Nor ever let misery bore me.
I sneer at the Fates, and I laugh at their spite,
I sit down contented to sit up all night,
And when the time comes, from the world take my flight,
For--my father did so before me!"
"Tekeli, or the Siege of Mongratz," produced about the same time, is
now chiefly remembered as having occasioned some caustic lines in the
"English Bards and Scotch Reviewers:"--
"Gods! o'er those boards shall Folly rear her head
Where Garrick trod, and Kemble lives to tread?
On those shall Farce display Buffoonery's mask,
And Hook conceal his heroes in a cask?"
"The Siege of St. Quentin," a drama of a similar description, quickly
followed. The plot was founded on the famous battle of that name
fought in 1557, when the French, endeavouring to raise the siege,
were signally defeated. The object of the piece, which was to excite
enthusiasm in favour of the Spanish nation, together with the
magnificence of the _mise en scène_, won for it considerable success.
It sleeps now with sundry others, such as "The Trial by Jury" (1811),
"Darkness Visible" (1811), "Safe and Sound" (1809), "Music Mad"
(1808). They all ran their course, and have perished--
"Unwept, unhonour'd, and unknown."
The last-named, however ("Music Mad"), perhaps deserves a word
of notice, if only on account of its transcendent absurdity. The
principal character, stolen bodily from _Il Fanatico per la Musica_
(which had been considered the masterpiece of the celebrated Naldi),
and rendered infinitely more ridiculous by being metamorphosed into
a native of our most unmusical isle, is, as the title indicates, an
amateur, and so passionately devoted to his favourite science as to
insist upon his servant's wearing a waistcoat scored all over with
crotchets and semiquavers.
In 1809, the destruction by fire of the two patent houses having
compelled the rival companies to coalesce and repair to the Lyceum,
principally for the purpose of providing employment for the humbler
members of the profession, Theodore Hook contributed the well-known
after-piece of "Killing no Murder." Apart from the intrinsic merit
of the piece itself, the admirable acting of Liston as Apollo
Belvi, and of Mathews as Buskin, for whom it was especially written
(though, by the way, it is but justice to add, on the authority of
Mrs. Mathews, that the latter character was but "a sketch, which Mr.
Mathews filled up _ad libitum_"),--there were circumstances attending
its representation which invested it with peculiar interest, and
enlisted all the sympathies of the audience in favour of the author.
It appears that on the MS. being submitted to the deputy-licenser,
Mr. Larpent, certain passages reflecting on the Methodist preachers
induced that gentleman, in the first instance, to place a veto on the
performance. A compromise, however, was effected, the objectionable
scene remodelled, and the play allowed to proceed. Whether it would
have been wiser, upon the whole, to have suffered it to go forth
with its imperfections on its head, and to have trusted to the good
taste of the public to demand the suppression of any incidental
improprieties, may be a question, the more so, as the licenser's
authority, extending only to the acted drama, could offer no
hindrance to its publication. Some half-dozen editions, containing
the passages omitted in the performance, were struck off and
circulated like wildfire, together with a preface, from which, as the
author has thus an opportunity of stating his own case, it may be as
well to present our readers with a few extracts:--
"I should have suffered my gratitude to the public to have been felt,
not told, had not some very singular circumstances compelled me to
explain part of my conduct, which, if I remained silent, might be
liable to misconstruction. On the evening previous to the performance
of 'Killing no Murder,' I was much surprised to hear that it could
not be produced, because Mr. Larpent, the reader of plays (as he is
termed), had refused to grant his license for it. The cause of the
refusal was, I heard, political. I revolted at the idea; and, as a
young man entering life, felt naturally anxious to clear my character
from the imputation of disloyalty. Then I heard it rumoured that the
ground of the refusal was its immorality. Here again I was wounded;
for though I confess I have no pretension to sanctity, yet I hope I
shall never prostitute my time in the production of that for which
even wit itself is no excuse.
"Thus situated, I set off in search of the gentleman who had
strangled my literary infant in its birth; and to find him I referred
to the 'Red-book,' where I discovered that John Larpent, Esq., was
_clerk_ at the Privy Seal Office, that John Larpent, Esq., was
_deputy_ to John Larpent, Esq., and that the _deputy's secretary_ was
John Larpent, Esq. This proved to me that a man could be in three
places at once; but on inquiry, I found he was even in a fourth and
a fifth, for it was by virtue of none of these offices he licensed
plays, and his place, _i.e._, his villa, was at Putney. Thither I
proceeded in a post-chaise, in chase of this ubiquitarian deputy,
and there I found him. After a seasonable delay to beget an awful
attention on my part, he appeared, and told me with a chilling look,
that the second act of my farce was a most 'indecent and shameful
attack on a very religious and harmless set of people' (he meant
the Methodists), 'and that my farce altogether was an infamous
persecution of the sectaries.' Out came the murder. The character of
a Methodist preacher, written for Liston's incomparable talents, with
the hope of turning into ridicule the ignorance and impudence of the
self-elected pastors, who infest every part of the kingdom, met with
the reprehension of the licenser.
* * * * *
"It was in vain I adduced Mother Cole in the 'Minor,' Mawworm in the
'Hypocrite,' Barebones in the 'London Hermit,' and half-a-dozen other
parts. The great licenser shook his head 'as if there was something
in it,' and told me that Lord Dartmouth had the piece; if he did
not object, it might yet be played; but if his lordship concurred
with him, not a line should be performed. I took my leave, fully
convinced how proper a person Mr. Larpent was to receive, in addition
to his other salaries, four hundred pounds per annum, besides
perquisites, for reading plays, the pure and simple performance of
which, by his creed, is the acme of sin and unrighteousness. His even
looking at them is contamination--but four hundred a-year--a sop for
Cerberus--what will it not make a man do?
* * * * *
"Now, in defence of the part of 'Apollo Belvi,' as originally
written, I consider it necessary to speak. It is a notorious fact
that the Methodists are not contented with following their own
fashions in religion, but they endeavor hourly to overturn the
Established Church by all means, open and covert; and I know, as a
positive fact, that it is considered the first duty of Methodist
parents to irritate their children against the regular clergy, before
the poor wretches are able to think or consider for themselves. Nay,
they are so ingenious in their efforts for this purpose, that they
inculcate the aversion by nick-naming whatever object the children
hate most after some characteristic of the Episcopal religion; and
I have known a whole swarm of sucking Methodists frightened to bed
by being told that the _bishop_ was coming--the impression resulting
from this alarm grows into an antipathy, and from having been, as
children, accustomed to consider a bishop as a bugbear, it became
no part of their study to discover why--the very mention of lawn
sleeves throws them into agonies ever after. Seeing, then, with what
zeal these sectaries attack us, and with what ardour they endeavour
to widen the breach between us by persecution and falsehood, I did
conceive that the lash of ridicule might be well applied to their
backs, particularly as I prefer this open mode of attack to the
assassin-like stab of the dagger, to which the cowardly Methodist
would, for our destruction, have no objection to resort.
"But my ridicule went to one point only. Mr. L. Hunt, in his
admirable Essays on Methodism, justly observes, that a strong
feature in the Methodists' character is a love of preaching. If it
be possible that these self-elected guardians and ministers have an
ascendency over the minds of their flocks, and have the power to
guide and direct them, it becomes surely the duty of every thinking
being to consider their qualifications for such a task.
"The wilful misleadings of the clever Methodists, from the small
proportion of talent that exists among them, are more harmless in
their tendency than the blasphemous doctrines of ignorance. The more
illiterate the preacher, the more infatuated the flock; and there
is less danger in the specious insinuation of a refined mind than
the open and violent expressions of inspired tailors and illuminated
cobblers. It was to ridicule such monstrous incongruities, that,
without any claim to originality, I sketched the part of 'Belvi,'
in the following farce. I conceived, by blending the most flippant
and ridiculous of all callings, except a man-milliner's (I mean
a dancing-master's), with the grave and important character of a
preacher, I should, without touching indelicately on the subject,
have raised a laugh against the absurd union of spiritual and secular
avocations, which so decidedly marks the character of the Methodist.
Of the hypocrisy introduced into the character, I am only sorry
that the lightness of the farce prevented my displaying a greater
depth of deception. All I can say is, that, whatever was written
in 'Killing no Murder,' against the Methodists, was written from a
conviction of their fallacy, their deception, their meanness, and
their profaneness."
Another farce, "Exchange no Robbery," produced at a somewhat later
period, under the pseudonym of "Richard Jones," deserves honourable
mention. Terry, another intimate associate from that time forth, had
in Cranberry a character excellently adapted to his saturnine aspect
and dry humour; and Liston was not less happily provided for in
Lamotte.
Almost all these pieces were written before Hook was twenty years of
age. Had he gone on in this successful dramatic career, and devoted
to such productions the experience of manhood and that marvellous
improvisatore power which was to make him the _facile princeps_ of
the satirists and humourists of his time, there can be no doubt he
must have rivalled any farce-writer that ever wrote in any language.
It was in his twentieth year that Theodore Hook made his first
appearance as a novelist, under the pseudonym of Alfred Allendale.[4]
Lockhart characterizes the work as "a mere farce, though in a
narrative shape and as flimsy as any he had given to the stage.
As if the set object," he says, "had been to satirize the Minerva
Press School, everything, every individual turn in the fortunes of
his 'Musgrave' is brought about purely and entirely by accident."
The sentimental hero elopes with his mistress. A hundred miles down
the North road they stop for a quarter of an hour--order dinner,
and stroll into the garden. Behold, the dreaded rival happens to be
lodging here--he is lounging in the garden at this moment. The whole
plan is baulked. Some time afterwards they elope again--and reach
Gretna Green in safety.
"Cruel mothers, chattering friends, and flattering rivals all were
distanced--the game was run down, he was in at the death, and the
brush was his own. False delicacy at Gretna is exploded; a woman
when she goes into Lanchester's is known to want millinery (people
say something more), when she lounges at Gray's she is understood
to stand in need of trinkets, when she stops at Gattie's she wants
complexion, and when she goes to Gretna she wants a husband.
"That being the case, _not_ to talk of marriage is as absurdly
_outré_ as not to call for supper, and therefore Musgrave with a
sly look at his blushing bride, ordered a couple of roasted fowls
and a parson to be ready immediately; the waiter, perfect in his
part, stepped over to the chandler's shop, hired the divine, and at
half-past ten the hymeneal rites were to be solemnized."--Vol. i., p.
84.
The fowls are put to the fire--the blacksmith appears--the ceremony
has just reached the essential point, when a chaise dashes up to the
door--out spring the heroine's mother and the rival again. Farther
on, the hero comes late at night to an inn, and is put into a
double-bedded room, in which the rival happens to be deposited, fast
asleep. The rival gets up in the morning before the hero awakes, cuts
his thumb in shaving, walks out, sees a creditor, jumps on the top
of a passing stage-coach, and vanishes. The hero is supposed to have
murdered him--the towel is bloody--he must have contrived to bury the
body; he is tried, convicted, condemned;--he escapes--an accident
brings a constable to the cottage where he is sheltered--he is
recaptured--pinioned--mounts the drop; he is in the act of speaking
his last speech, when up dashes another post-chaise containing the
rival, who had happened to see the trial just the morning before in
an old newspaper. And so on through three volumes.
It abounds, as a matter of course, in play upon words: for example,
a rejected suitor's taking to drinking, is accounted for on the
plea that "it is natural an unsuccessful lover should be given to
whine,"--a pun, by the way, better conveyed in the name "Negus,"
which he is said to have bestowed upon a favourite, but offending,
dog. There are also introduced a couple of tolerably well-sketched
portraits, _Mr. Minns_, the poet (T. Moore), and _Sir Joseph
Jonquil_ (Banks). An epigram, referring to the celebrated duel of
the former with Jeffrey, in consequence of an article in No. 16 of
the _Edinburgh Review_, is worth repeating,--the more so, as its
paternity has been subject of dispute, the majority attributing it to
one of the authors of "Rejected Addresses!"--
"When Anacreon would fight, as the poets have said,
A reverse he displayed in his vapour,
For while all his poems were loaded with lead,
His pistols were loaded with paper;
For excuses Anacreon old custom may thank,
Such a _salvo_ he should not abuse,
For the cartridge, by rule, is always made blank,
Which is fired away at _Reviews_."
But the oddest part of the whole is that Hook himself, sixteen
years afterwards, thought it worth while to re-cast precisely the
same absurd fable, even using a great deal of the language, in his
"Sayings and Doings." (Series first, vol. iii. _Merton_.) Of course
the general execution of that tale is vastly superior to the original
edition; but some of, all things considered, its most remarkable
passages are transcribed almost _literatim_.
Mr. Allendale's novel excited little or no attention, and remained
unacknowledged. It is worthless, except that in the early filling
up occasionally we have glimpses of the author's early habits and
associations, such as he was in no danger of recalling from oblivion
in the days of "Sayings and Doings." When the hero fell in love, for
example, "Bond-street lounges became a bore to him--he sickened at
the notion of a jollification under the Piazza--the charms of the
pretty pastry-cooks at Spring Gardens had lost their piquancy." A
Viscountess's fête at Wimbledon has all the appearance of having
been sketched after a _lark_ at Vauxhall with a bevy of singing
women. In the re-cast, it is right to say, he omitted various gross
indecencies, some rude personalities, and a very irreverent motto.[5]
Of such an ephemeral character were the earlier writings of a man
whose later works have charmed and delighted thousands wherever the
English language is spoken. But his brilliancy in the social circle
and the fame of his marvellous hoaxes had already spread far and
wide, when an unexpected event occurred which changed the whole tenor
of his life, and removed him from English society and from English
literature for nearly seven years.
Up to 1812, Theodore Hook had been almost, if not entirely, dependent
upon his pen for pecuniary supplies; his father was in no condition
to assist him; and at the rate of two or three farces a year, which
seems to have been about the average of his productions, an income
could scarcely have been realized by any means commensurate with the
expenses of a fashionable young gentleman "upon town;" debts began to
accumulate, and he had already resorted to the pernicious expedient
of raising money upon his "promise to write," (a draught upon the
brain, honoured, on at least one occasion, by Mr. Harris, the manager
of Covent Garden,) when he was presented with an appointment which
promised to place him in easy circumstances for the remainder of his
life--that of Accountant-General and Treasurer at the Mauritius,
worth about £2,000 per annum. It was not, however, till October,
1813, that after a long but agreeable voyage he entered upon his
duties at the Mauritius.
It so happened that the island, which had been captured from the
French in 1811, had been since that time under the control of
Mr. (afterwards Sir R. J.) Farquhar, who, as Governor, united in
his own person all the executive and legislative powers. Nothing
could have been more favourable to the young official than this
circumstance, Mr. Farquhar being not only esteemed throughout the
colony, on account of his judgment, moderation, and affability, but
being also connected with Dr. James Hook, by the latter's marriage
with his sister. The reception which met Theodore on his arrival
was as encouraging as could have been wished, and his own convivial
qualities and agreeable manners soon made him as popular among the
_élite_ of Port Louis as he had been in the fashionable and literary
circles of London. In a letter addressed to his old friend, Mathews,
about a couple of years after his establishment in what he terms
"this paradise, and not without angels," he gives a most spirited
and joyous account of his general mode of life, and of the social
resources of the island:--
"We have," says he, "operas in the winter, which sets in about
July; and the races, too, begin in July. We have an excellent
beef-steak club, and the best Freemasons' lodge in the world. We have
subscription concerts and balls, and the parties in private houses
here are seldom less than from two to three hundred. At the last ball
given at the Government House, upwards of seven hundred and fifty
ladies were present, which, considering that the greater proportion
of the female population are not admissible, proves the number of
inhabitants, and the extent of the society."
It may be supposed, that if he was delighted with the Mauritius,
its society was enchanted with him. He was but twenty-five when he
arrived; and the sudden advancement of his position and enlargement
of his resources, must have had rather an exciting than a sobering
influence on such a temperament as his at that buoyant age. He was of
course the life and soul of the hospitalities of the place and all
its amusements and diversions--the phœnix of his _Thule_. He became,
among other things, a leading man on the _turf_, and repeatedly
mentions himself as having been extremely successful in the pecuniary
results of that dangerous pursuit. His own hospitality was most
liberal; many an Indian veteran yet delights to recall the cordial
welcome he found at _La Reduite_ during a brief sojourn at the
Mauritius; and not a few such persons were unconsciously sitting for
their pictures in crayon then, and in pen and ink afterwards, while
they displayed their Oriental airs before the juvenile Treasurer,
their profuse Amphitryon. His journal would make it easy enough to
identify not a few of the _Quihis_ in his "Sayings and Doings," and
other novels of later life--but perhaps their spectres still haunt
the long walk at Cheltenham--_requiescant_!
Towards the end of 1817, General Farquhar found it necessary, from
the state of his health, to repair for a time to England, and
Major-General Gage John Hall was sworn in as deputy-governor during
his absence. On this occasion the Governor appointed a commission
consisting of five of the principal men in the colony, to examine
the accounts and contents of the Treasury, in order that the finance
department might be handed over to his successor in a condition of
ascertained correctness. The commissioners signed a report that they
had examined the whole accordingly, and that books and chest were all
in the proper state. Their report was dated November 19th, and Sir R.
Farquhar sailed.
On the 15th of January, 1818, Lieutenant-Governor Hall received a
letter from William Allan, a clerk in the Treasury-office, announcing
to him, that, notwithstanding the above report, a grave error
existed, and had been passed over in the Treasurer's accounts. No
credit had been given for a sum of 37,000 dollars, which sum he,
Allan, knew to have been paid in at the Treasury some fifteen months
before.
General Hall instantly communicated this information to Mr. Hook,
and appointed another commission to re-examine the condition of the
public chest and accounts. The commission began their work on the
11th of February: Allan was examined _vivâ-voce_ before them on that
and on several successive days. He addressed, while his examination
was in progress, letters upon letters to the deputy-governor and
also to the commissioners, in which he reiterated his assertions
that a large deficiency existed, that its existence had been known
to himself during many succeeding quarters, and that he had so
long concealed it from reluctance to bring himself into collision
with his superior, the Treasurer. His letters, from the first very
strangely written, became wilder at every step; and on the morning
of the 27th, before the commissioners met, he shot himself. His last
letter alleged that he had been tampered with by Hook, who offered
to pay him thenceforth an allowance of twenty-five dollars per month
if he would instantly make his escape from the Mauritius, and never
re-appear there; but the person whom he named as having brought
Hook's message instantly contradicted the statement _in toto_ on oath
before the commissioners. There were many other witnesses; and the
result was the detection of not a few irregularities, omissions, and
discrepancies in the books of the Treasury.
The inquiry proceeded till the 9th of March; at eleven that night
Hook was arrested at a friend's house, where he was supping, and
dragged, by torchlight, through crowded streets to the common
prison. The town having shortly before been the scene of a terrible
conflagration, the prison had been almost entirely destroyed. There
was only one cell in which the Treasurer could be placed, and that
was in so wretched a condition that at three in the morning he was
admitted to bail, escorted to the house of his bail-man, and left
there under his surveillance by the police. After a few days he was
handed over to the care of a millitary detachment, and embarked with
them for England as a culprit, to be tried for _crimes_. Before he
sailed, his property in the island was disposed of, and the whole
amount placed to the public credit in the Treasury. Even the minutest
articles belonging to him were seized. After he was on board ship, a
negro slave came alongside to beg his acceptance of his writing-desk,
which the poor fellow had bought at the auction for ten shillings.
He had a protracted and most unhappy voyage of nine months. For one
whole month they were tossed in a hurricane off the Cape of Good
Hope, and for six weeks reduced to the allowance of half a pound of
mouldy buiscuit and half a pint of water by the day. While refitting
at the Cape, however, Hook, who had by that time conciliated the
regard of his keepers by his unshaken fortitude and good-humoured
submission, was made their companion on shore, on _parole_; and how
completely he could, under such calamitous circumstances, exert his
faculties of observation, we may judge from the most picturesque
sketches of the Cape, the capital, and its inhabitants, which occur
in one of his subsequent stories--_Maxwell_. The ship also stopped
for a day or two at St. Helena; and by the kindness of the officers,
Hook accompanied them when they went to Longwood to be presented to
Napoleon.
The ship reached Portsmouth in January, 1819, and the warrant of
arrest and other documents were transmitted to London, and referred
to the law officers. The Attorney-General reported, that however
irregular Mr. Hook's official conduct might have been, and however
justly he might be prosecuted for a civil debt, there was no apparent
ground for a criminal procedure. He was therefore liberated; and
reaching London with _two gold mohurs_ in his pocket, was immediately
subjected to the scrutiny of the Audit Board--a scrutiny which did
not terminate until after the lapse of nearly five years.
During this long suspense, eternal commissions and cross-examinations
before the auditors of public accounts, and a very voluminous
series of correspondence with them and others on the subject of the
defalcation, had not occupied the whole of Hook's attention. If
they had, he must have starved; for though his successor was not
appointed till late in the inquiry, he never received a farthing in
his official capacity, from the time of his original arrest.
By the end of 1819, Hook had established himself in a very humble
cottage at Somers Town, where his household consisted of a single
maid-servant; and formed connections with newspapers or magazines,
which supplied the small necessities of the passing day. He seems
at first to have felt his position far too painfully to think of
reclaiming any but a few of his older and, comparatively speaking,
humble allies--such as Mathews, Terry, and good little Hill; the
last of whom had encountered sad reverses during his absence, and
was now, perhaps, except himself, the poorest of the set. On their
kindness he might rely implicitly--as well as upon the cordial
friendship and sound professional advice of Messrs. Powell and
Broderip.
It was shortly after his location at Somers Town that Hook renewed
his acquaintance with Mr. Wilson Croker, in whose society no small
portion of his time was spent, both at the Admiralty and at the
latter's villa at Molesey. He was also occasionally a visitor at
General Phipps's (a relation of his mother's), in Harley-street,
where he met and speedily became intimate with the late Speaker,
Lord Canterbury. They were afterwards seen a great deal together,
and the pair strolling arm-in-arm down St. James's-street, forms the
subject of one--not the most happy--of the HB sketches.[6] With these
exceptions, for a long period his position as a public defaulter,
together with the _res angustæ domi_, confined him to the narrow and
comparatively inexpensive circle of his old literary and theatrical
associates.
During the summer of 1820, Theodore Hook opened his campaign against
the Queen by a thin octavo, which at the time made considerable
noise. It was entitled "Tentamen; or an Essay towards the History
of Whittington and his Cat," by Dr. Vicesimus Blenkinsop. The
Whittington, of course, was no other than Alderman Wood, and Caroline
was the cat. "Throughout the whole _libellus_," says Lockhart, "there
was a prodigious rattle of puns and conundrums--but the strong points
of the case against Whittington and Co. were skilfully brought out,
nevertheless. Hook being as yet quite _in obscuro_, nobody suspected
him. It was pretty generally ascribed to the manufacturers of the
'New Whig Guide.'"
"Tentamen" was followed by several similar pamphlets, chiefly in
verse, all directed against Alderman Wood and the other supporters
of the Queen, and all published in the same year (1820) by Wright,
of Fleet-street. They are also to be distinguished by a caricature
likeness of the celebrated Alderman, the same portrait appearing on
the title-page both of "Tentamen" and the others. One of these we
recollect is entitled _Solomon Logwood_.[7]
In the spring of this year (1820), Hook, with the assistance of
his old friend, Daniel Terry, started a small periodical. It was
published, and we believe suggested, by Mr. Miller, who had recently
engaged extensive premises in--what was then expected to prove a
great mart for the lighter description of literature--a sort of
occidental "Row,"--the Burlington Arcade. Hence the name of the
first-born, "The Arcadian," but which, to say the truth, had little
of the pastoral in its composition, if we except a certain long
ballad of melodious rhythm and provoking pungency, addressed to Lady
Holland, and commencing,--
"Listen, lady, to my measures,
While they softly, gently flow,
While I sing the harmless pleasures
Of the classic, silver Po," etc.
The war-cry of "The Arcadian" was of course "King and Constitution,"
for its editor was Conservative, or rather Tory (the former euphuism
was not then in vogue) to the heart's core. Much, too, of that
personality was introduced in its pages, which rendered its more
fortunate successor, the _John Bull_, so formidable. The same
contemptuous tone, in treating of theatricals, is observable both in
the _John Bull_ and its tiny predecessor. "The Arcadian" contains
a most exquisite critique, a perfect masterpiece of irony, upon the
"first appearance" of a certain young lady, and some caustic remarks
on the stage and its attractions, curious as coming from a popular
dramatist, writing in the thirty-second year of his age.