(_HOW TO DEAL WITH AN AWKWARD MATTER, ACCORDING TO PRECEDENT._)
SCENE--_A Smoking-Room and Lounge. Eminent Statesman
discovered filling a pipe. Private Secretary in
attendance._
_Em. S._ Now I think all's ready to begin. Mind, my lad, and have the
tea and decanters in readiness when I ring for them. Enough chairs?
_Pri. Sec._ Only half-a-dozen expected, Sir; so I thought if I got six
that would be enough.
_Em. S._ Quite so. And now, my dear fellow, show in the Deputation.
[_Private Secretary opens door, when enter several Workmen in
their Sunday best, headed by Fussy M.P._
_Fussy M.P._ (_with effusion_). My dear Sir, this is a great pleasure.
I hope I see you well. (_Shakes the hand of Eminent Statesman with
profuse cordiality._) And now, if you will allow me, I will introduce
these Delegates. It would have pleased them better if they could have
had an Autumn Session, but they are quite prepared to be satisfied
with an interview, as it is in the Recess. (_Speaking in the soft
tones of the House at Westminster._) Sir! My Right Hon. Friend! It
is my privilege as well as my duty--a most pleasant one--to introduce
what I may aptly declare to be the most representative body of men it
has ever been my good fortune to meet. I, my dear Sir--
_Em. S._ (_interrupting_). Thank you very much, but I fancy we can get
on better by talking it over quietly. It's very hot, so if you don't
mind, I will take off my coat and sit in my shirt-sleeves.
[Illustration]
[_Removes his coat._
_Fussy. M.P._ (_taken aback_). My dear Sir!
_Members of the Deputation_. Thankee, Sir! We'll follow suit.
[_They remove their coats._
_Em. S._ Now you would like to smoke? Well, my Private Secretary will
hand round cigars, cigarettes, and tobacco. Don't be shy, Consider my
house Liberty Hall. Well, tell me--what's it all about?
_First Mem. of Dep._ (_pointing to Fussy M.P._) Why he said as how he
would do all the speaking.
_Em. S._ Very likely, and do it (_bowing to him_) very well. But I
would far rather that you should speak for yourselves. Come let us
meet as old friends. Now--what do you want?
_Second Mem. of Dep._ Why, Sir, if you put it in that pleasant way, I
may say, payment for hours of labour put in by some one else.
_Em. S._ Yes, very good. Capital notion. But how are you to manage it?
_Third Mem. of Dep._ (_roughly_). That's your business, and not ours.
We tell you what we want, and you have to carry out our wishes.
_Em. S._ (_smiling_). You mean the wishes of your class--your order?
_Second Mem._ Well, that's about it. We _do_ represent them. Why we
are sent to you by over 100,000!
_Em. S._ And what is the full complement of your combined trades?
_Second Mem._ About nine millions, but that has nothing to do with it.
_Em. S._ With it! Do with what?
_First Mem. of Dep._ Why, what we require, Right Hon. Sir--what we
require!
_Em. S._ (_amiably_). And that is--?
_First Mem. of Dep._ (_triumphantly_). Oh, you must tell us that! It
is not our place, but yours--see?
_Em. S._ Not exactly. But will you not join me? (_Offers cigarettes._)
And now let us get at the heart of the question. Who is to do your
work for you?
_First Mem. of Dep._ (_puffing at the tobacco_). Don't you think that
could be done by the Government?
_Em. S._ _I_ don't know. I am delighted to see you, because it is with
your assistance that I propose mastering the details of the matter.
But you really must help me.
_Second Mem. of Dep._ (_taken aback_). But, I say, Sir, is this quite
fair? We are accustomed to put up someone such as he (_pointing to
the_ Fussy M.P.), and leave it to him to do all the talking.
_Em. S._ Yes, I know the old-fashioned plan; but I prefer the new.
Pray go on. How will you get your work done gratuitously?
_Fourth Mem._ Oh, come! That's putting it a little too strong! We are
not accustomed to it. What does it all mean?
_Em. S._ I think I can answer you. My good friends, until you can get
an idea of what you really want, you can do nothing--nor can I. So
now, if you have another appointment to keep, please don't let me
detain you. All I can wish you I do wish you. May you all prosper in
your undertakings. And now, farewell!
_First Mem._ Well, Sir, if you won't see us any more, good-bye!
_Em. S._ Good-bye! Mind the steps! Good-bye! [_The Deputation leave._
Eminent Statesman _turns his attention to other matters with a smile
of satisfaction._
* * * * *
"EXCELSIOR! OR STRAIGHT UP!"--Sir DOUGLAS STRAIGHT was knighted last
week. N.B.--Would have been mentioned earlier, if we had had the
straight tip.
* * * * *
'ARRY IN VENICE.
[Illustration]
DEAR CHARLIE,--'Ow 'ops it, my 'earty? Yours truly's still stived
up in Town.
Won't run to a 'oliday yet, mate. I'm longing to lay on the brown
By a blow from the briny, but, bless yer, things now is as bad as
they're made.
Hinfluenzas, Helections, and cetrer, has bloomin' nigh bunnicked
up Trade.
_My_ screw's bin cut down by a dollar; along of 'ard times, sez
our bloke.
I _did_ mean doin' It'ly this year; but sez Luck, "Oh, go 'ome and
eat coke!"
Leastways, that's as I hunderstand 'er. A narsty one, Luck, and no
kid;
Always gives yer the rough of 'er tongue when you're quisby, or
short of a quid.
When I 'eard about Venice in London, I thinks to myself, mate,
thinks I,
'Ere's a 'oliday tour on the cheap! 'Ere's a barney as 'ARRY must
try.
No Continong this year, that's certain, old man, for the likes of
poor me;
But whilst I've a bob I've a chance for a boss at the Bride o' the
Sea.
Them posters of IMRE KIRALFY's for gorgeousness quite takes the
cake.
Friend IMRE's a spanker, you bet, and quite fly to the popular fake.
"Stupendious work," IMRE calls it, and I.K. is O.K. no doubt.
Your old Country Fair Show takes a back seat when ikey young
I.K.'s about.
Oh, the jam and the mustard, my pippin, the crimsing, the blue,
and the gold!
Scissorree, CHARLIE, rainbows ain't in it, and prisums is out in
the cold.
I do like a picteresk poster, as big as a bloomin' back yard,
With the colour slopped on quite regardless; if that ain't 'Igh
'Art, wy it's 'ard.
'Owsomever I mustn't feeloserphise. Off to Olympia I 'ooks,
To see Venice the Bride of the Sea, as set forth in them sixpenny
books.
Bless his twirly merstache, he's a twicer, this IMRE KIRALFY, dear
boy,
And he give me a two hours' _spektarkle_ old LEIGHTON hisself
might enjoy.
Bit puzzling the "Pageant" is, CHARLIE, until that Synopsis you've
read;
Wish I'd mugged it all up overnight; but I carn't get it straight
in my 'ead.
Sort o' mixture of _Shylock_ and BYRON, with bits of _Othello_
chucked in,
Muddled up with "Chioggian wars," as seemed mostly blue fire and
bright tin.
But the scenes wos 'splendiferous, CHARLIE. About arf a mile o'
stage front,
With some thousands of 'eroes and supers, as seemed all the time
on the 'unt.
Lor! 'ow they did scoot up and down that there stage at the
double, old man,
All their legs on the waggle, like flies, and their armour a-chink
as they ran!
Old _Shylock_ turns up quite permiskus, and always upon the full
trot;
He seemed mixed up with Portias, and Doges, smart gals, and the
dickens knows wot.
All kep waving their arms like mad semy-phores, doin' the akrybat
prank,
As if they was swimming in nothink, or 'ailing a 'bus for the Bank.
I sez to a party beside me, "Old man, wot the doose does it _mean_?"
Sez he, "A dry attic, yer know, of wich Venice, yer see, wos the
Queen.
That cove in a nightcap's the Doge; for an old 'un he _can_ move
about.
They had G.O.M.'s, mate, in Venice; of that there is not the least
doubt.
"That's VETTORE PISANI, the Hadmiral; t'other is General ZENO
Defending the State, I persoom, and they're 'aving a fust-class
old beano.
Wy PEDRO THE SECOND, of Cyprus, and _Portia_ is made a rum blend
With Turps Siccory's Revels, and so on, no doubt we shall twig at
the hend."
I sez, "Thankee! that's werry instructive. You _do_ know a lot,
mate, _you_ do!"
Then the fight at Chioggia came on. Sech a rum pully-haully all
through.
But the Victory Percession wos proper, and so was the All Frisky
_feet_,
And the way as they worked the gondolers, them streaky-legged
chaps, wos a treat.
But the best o' the barney came arter. I took a gondoler, old man,
Sort o' wobbly black coffin afloat, and perpelled on the rummiest
plan
With one oar and a kind of notched post. But a dressy young party
in pink
'Ad a seat in my ship, and seemed skeery. _I_ cheered 'er up--wot
do _you_ think?
"No danger," sez I, "not a mossel! Now is there, old lollipop-legs?
Sit 'ere, Miss, and trim the old barky! Go gently now, young
'Am-and-Eggs!
'Ow much for yer mustard-striped kicksies? Way-oh! Wy, you nearly
run down
The Ryhalto that time, you young josser. Look hout, Miss, he'll
crack your sweet crown!"
_Larf_, CHARLIE? She did a fair chortle. I _'ave_ sech a way with
the shes.
We 'ad six sixpennorths together--I tell you 'twos go-as-you-please!
Modern Venice, took out of a toy-box, with palaces fourteen foot
'igh.
And Bridges o' Sighs cut in pasteboard, is larks all the same, and
no fly.
Sort o' cosy romanticky feeling a-paddling along them canals,
With the manderlines twangling all round, and the larf of the
gayest of gals
Gurgling up through the Hightalian hair--though it do 'ave a
cockneyfied sniff,--
Wy it's better than spooning at Marlow with MOLLY MOLLOY in a skiff.
I felt like Lord BYRON, I tell yer; I stretched myself, orty-like,
hout,
And wished it could go on all night, wich my pardner did ditto, no
doubt.
Modern Venice in minichure, CHARLIE, ain't really so dusty, you bet;
I wos quite a Bassanio in breeks, and I ain't lost the twang of it
yet.
_My_ Portia wos POLLY MARIA; she tipped me her name fair and free;
And a pootier young mossel o' muslin, I never 'ad perch on _my_
knee.
No side on 'er, nothink lowlived, CHARLIE, ladylike down to the
ground,
I called 'er my fair "Bride of Venice." In fact, we wos 'appy all
round.
She said _I_ wos _'er_ form to a hounce, and if anyone looked more
O.K.,
In a nobby Gondoler than me, well that chap 'adn't travelled _'er_
way;
Wich wos Barnsbury Park--so she whispered, with _sech_ a sly
giggle, dear boy!
I sez "Bully for IMRE KIRALFY! His Show is a thing to henjoy!"
And so it is, CHARLIE, old hoyster. The music is twangly, I own,
And if I've a fancy myself, 'taint hexactly the Great Xylophone;
But the speeches of musical scratch-backs the dancers keep time
with so pat,
In that fairy-like Carnival Bally, fetched POLLY, ah, all round
'er 'at!
That 'at wos a spanker, I tell yer; as big as the Doge's
State-Barge,
And like all the "Four Seasons" in one! "Well," sez POLLY, "I _do_
like 'em large,
Them Venetian pork-pies ain't _my_ fancy, no room for no trimmings
above.
They wouldn't suit Barnsbury Park, though they might do 'The
Castle of Love'!"
Sort o' needled her somehow, I fancy; but, bless yer, I soon put
_that_ straight.
Gals is wonderful touchy on togs! Covent Garden piled high on a
plate
With a blue hostrich-feather all round it, mayn't be man's hidea
of a tile,
But I flattered her taste a rare bat, and soon 'ad her again on
the smile.
Well, "Venice the Bride of the Sea," is wuth more than one visit,
old pal,
And I've got a hengagement next week to go there with the same
pooty gal.
I'm going to read up the subjeck, I'll cram for it all I can carry,
For I'm bound to be fair, in the know if young POLLY should question
Yours, 'ARRY.
* * * * *