(_A SKETCH AT THE ISLINGTON ARCADIA._)
SCENE--_The Agricultural Hall. A large Steam-Circus is
revolving with its organ in full blast; near it is a
"Razzle-Dazzle" Machine, provided with a powerful mechanical
piano. To the combined strains of these instruments, the
merrier hearts of Islington are performing a desultory dance,
which seems to consist chiefly in the various couples charging
each other with desperate gallantry. At the further end of
the Hall is a Stage, on which a Variety Performance is in
progress, and along the side of the gallery a Switchback, the
rolling thunder of which, accompanied by masculine whoops and
feminine squeaks, is distinctly audible. Near the entrance
is a painted house-front with two doors, which are being
pitilessly battered with wooden balls; from time to time
a well-directed missile touches a spring, one of the doors
opens, and an idiotic effigy comes blandly goggling and
sliding down an inclined plane, to be saluted with yells of
laughter, and ignominiously pushed back into domestic privacy.
Amidst surroundings thus happily suggesting the idyllic and
pastoral associations of Arcady, is an unpretending booth,
the placards on which announce it to be the temporary
resting-place of the "Far-famed Adepts of Thibet," who are
there for a much-needed change, after a "3500 years' residence
in the Desert of Gobi." There is also a solemn warning that
"it is impossible to spoof a Mahatma." In front of this booth,
a fair-headed, round-faced, and Spectacled Gentleman, in
evening clothes, and a particularly crumpled shirt-front--who
presents a sort of compromise between the Scientific Savant
and the German Waiter has just locked up his Assistant in
a wooden pillory, for no obvious reason except to attract
a crowd. The crowd collects accordingly, and includes a
Comic Coachman, who, with his Friend--a tall and speechless
nonentity--has evidently come out to enjoy himself_.
[Illustration: "I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes."]
_The Spectacled Gentleman_ (_letting the Assistant out of the
pillory, with the air of a man who does not often unbend to these
frivolities_). Now, Gentlemen, I am sure all those whom I see around
me have heard of those marvellous beings--the Mahatmas--and how they
can travel through space in astral bodies, and produce matter out of
nothing at all. (_Here the group endeavour to look as if these facts
were familiar to them from infancy, while the_ Comic Coachman _assumes
the intelligent interest of a Pantomime Clown in the price of a
property fish_.) Very well; but perhaps some of you may not be aware
that at this very moment the air all around you is full of ghosts.
_The Comic Coachman_ (_affecting extreme terror_). 'Ere, let me get
_out_ o' this! Where's my friend?
_The Sp. G._ I am only telling you the simple truth. There is,
floating above the head of each one of you, the ghostly counterpart of
himself; and the ghost of anybody who is smoking will be smoking also
the ghost of a cigar or a pipe.
_The C.C._ (_to his attendant Phantom_). 'Ere, 'and me down one o'
your smokes to try, will yer?
_The Sp. G._ You laugh--but I am no believer in making statements
without proof to support them, and I shall now proceed to offer you
convincing evidence that what I say is true. (_Movement of startled
incredulity in group._) I have here two ordinary clean clay pipes.
(_Producing them_.) Now, Sir, (_to the_ C.C.) will you oblige me by
putting your finger in the bowls to test whether there is any tobacco
there or not?
_The C.C._ Not _me_. None o' those games for me! Where's my
friend?--it's more in _'is_ line!
[_The Friend, however, remains modestly in the background,
and, after a little hesitation, a more courageous spirit tests
the bowls, and pronounces them empty._
_The Sp. G._ Very well, I will now smoke the spirit-tobacco in these
empty pipes. (_He puts them both in his mouth, and emits a quantity
of unmistakable smoke_.) Now, in case you should imagine this is a
deception, and I produce the smoke from my throat in some manner, will
you kindly try my esoteric tobacco, Sir? (_To a bystander, who, not
without obvious misgivings, takes a few whiffs and produces smoke,
as well as a marked impression upon the most sceptical spectators._)
Having thus proved to you the existence of a Spirit World, allow
me to inform you that this is nothing to the marvels to be seen
inside for the small sum of twopence, where I shall have the honour
of introducing to you Mlle. SCINTILLA, who is not only the most
extraordinary Scientific Wonder of the World, but also the loveliest
woman now living!
_The C.C._ 'Ere, _I'm_ comin' in, I am. I'm on to this. Where's my
friend? he'll pay for _me_. He promised to take care o' me, and I
can't trust myself anywhere without 'im.
[_He enters the Show, followed by the Tall Nonentity, and the
bulk of the bystanders, who feel that the veil is about to
be lifted, and that twopence is not an exorbitant fee for
initiation. Inside is a low Stage, with a roughly painted
Scene, and a kind of small Cabinet, the interior of which is
visible and vacant; behind the barrier which, separates the
Stage from the Audience stands Mlle. SCINTILLA, a young
lady in a crimson silk blouse and a dark skirt, who if
not precisely a Modern Helen, is distinctly attractive and
reassuringly material._
_The C.C._ Oh, I say, if this is a Mahatma, I _like_ 'em!
[_The Sibyl receives this tribute with a smile._
_The Sp. G._ (_appearing on the Stage as Showman_). Now, Ladies and
Gentlemen! (_There is one Lady present, who stands at the side, by
way of indicating that she declines to give the proceedings any
moral support whatever._) You all know that Adepts have the power
of disintegrating material objects and re-integrating them when
they please. I have here a hollow mask. (_He exhibits a Pantomime
demon head._) I place it upon the roof of this cabinet, which as
you perceive is empty. I raise it--and underneath you will see
materialised a wonderful young lady who consists of a head and nothing
else. (_He discovers the head of a very human young person with short
curly hair._) Now those of you who are unmarried would find this young
lady an admirable wife for a man of small income, for, having no body,
she will cost him nothing whatever for her food or frocks.
_The C.C._ (_with a touch of cynicism_). She'd make it up in 'ats and
bonnets, though; trust _'er_!
_The Showman_. She is extremely sweet-tempered; and, when she observes
a number of good-looking gentlemen in the front row, as there are
to-night, she will smile affectionately at them.
[_The Head gives a very practical confirmation of this
assertion, and the Lady in the corner sniffs with strong
disapproval._
_The C.C._ 'Ere, I say--where's my friend? I want to take my 'ook out
o' this--the young Lady's 'ed is a smilin' at me, and it ain't _good_
enough, yer know--she's left too much of herself at 'ome to suit _me_!
_The Showman_ (_after extinguishing the Head, which is giggling
helplessly, in the Mask_). Now this other, young Lady, Mlle.
SCINTILLA, known to her friends as "SPARKS," is equally wonderful in
her way. It may surprise you when I inform you--(_here he puts his arm
affectionately round the Sibyl's neck_)--that, beautiful as she is,
she has never been kissed in her whole life!
_The C.C._ (_with chivalrous indignation_). What? Ere, if _that's_
all!--
[_He intimates, in pantomime, his perfect readiness to repair
this omission at once._
_The Showman_. This is owing to the fact that she is impregnated with
electricity to such an extraordinary degree, that any contact with her
lips will produce a shock which would probably prove fatal!
_The C.C._ Oh, where _is_ that friend o' mine? (_To the Sibyl_.) I
come out without my lightnin' conductor this evenin', Miss; but I've
got a friend somewhere in 'ere as 'll be 'appy to represent me.
[_The Tall Nonentity tries to efface himself, but is relieved
to find that the Sibyl does not take the offer seriously._
_The Showman_. As a proof that I am not speaking without foundation,
this young lady will allow you to feel her hands, when you will at
once become aware of the electric current. [_The Sibyl leans across
the barrier, and tenders a decidedly pretty palm for public pressure,
but there is the usual reluctance at first to embrace the opportunity.
At length a seeker after truth grasps the hand, and reports that
he "can feel a somethink," whereupon his example is followed by the
others, including the_ C.C., _who, finding the sensation agreeable,
pretends to be electrified to such an extent that he is unable to let
go--which concludes the entertainment._
_Spectators_ (_departing_). She _may_ have 'ad one o' them galvanic
belts on for all _you_ can tell. But, mind yer, there's a lot _in_ it,
all the same. Look at the way he brought smoke out o' them clays!
_The C.C._ (_to his Friend_.) That _was_ a lark, JIM! But look
'ere--don't you go tellin' the Missus; _she_ ain't on the Me'atmer
lay--not _much_, she ain't!
* * * * *
[Illustration: HONOURS EASY.
_Sir E.L._ (_gaily_). "BARONETTED? OF COURSE, MY BOY--RIGHT THING TO
DO! THANKS. TA-TA!" [_Careers away, to keep up his circulation._
_Mr. P._ "AND _YOU_, MR. LABBY?"
_H.L._ (_languidly_). "OH--AH--AS FOR _ME_--I'M OUT OF IT--THAT'S THE
TRUTH."]
* * * * *