A NEW VERSION OF THE CELEBRATED NURSERY TALE, WRITTEN EXPRESSLY FOR THE
PRINCESS ROYAL.
Who Kill'd Cock Russell?
I, said Bob Peel,
The political eel,
I kill'd Cock Russell.
Who saw him die?
We, said the nation,
At each polling station,
We saw him die.
Who caught his place?
I, for I _can_ lie,
Said turn-about _Stan_ley,
I caught his place.
Who'll make his shroud?
We, cried the poor
From each Union door,
We'll make his shroud.
Who'll dig his grave?
Cried the corn-laws, The fool
Has long been our tool,
We'll dig his grave.
Who'll be the parson?
I, London's bishop,
A sermon will dish up,
I'll be the parson.
Who'll be the clerk?
Sibthorp, for a lark,
If you'll all keep it dark,
He'll be the clerk.
Who'll carry him to his grave?
The Chartists, with pleasure,
Will wait on his leisure,
They'll carry him to his grave.
Who'll carry the link?
Said Wakley, in a minute,
I _must_ be in it,
I'll carry the link.
Who'll be chief mourners?
We, shouted dozens
Of out-of-place cousins,
We'll be chief mourners.
Who'll bear the pall?
As they loudly bewail,
Both O'Connell and tail,
They'll bear the pall.
Who'll go before?
I, said old Cupid,
I'll still head the stupid,
I'll go before.
Who'll sing a psalm?
I, Colonel Perceval,
(Oh, Peel, be merciful!)
I'll sing a psalm.
Who'll throw in the dirt?
I, said the _Times_,
In lampoons and rhymes,
I'll throw in the dirt.
Who'll toll the bell?
I, said John Bull,
With pleasure I'll pull,--
I'll toll the bell.
All the Whigs in the world
Fell a sighing and sobbing,
When wicked Bob Peel
Put an end to their jobbing.
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TRANSACTIONS AND YEARLY REPORT OF THE HOOKHAM-CUM-SNIVEY LITERARY,
SCIENTIFIC, AND MECHANICS' INSTITUTION.
Collected and elaborated expressly for "PUNCH," by Tiddledy Winks,
Esq., Hon. Sec., and Editor of the _Peckham Evening Post_ and
_Camberwell-Green Advertiser_.
Previously to placing the results of my unwearied application before the
public, I think it will be both interesting and appropriate to trace, in a
few words, the origin of this admirable society, by whose indefatigable
exertions the air-pump has become necessary to the domestic economy of
every peasant's cottage; and the Budelight and beer-shops, optics and
out-door relief, and Daguerrotypes and dirt, have become subjects with
which they are equally familiar.
About the close of last year, a few scientific labourers were in the habit
of meeting at a "Jerry" in their neighbourhood, for the purpose of
discussing such matters as the comprehensive and plainly-written reports
of the British Association, as furnished by the _Athenæum_, offered to
their notice, in any way connected with philosophy or the _belles
lettres_. The numbers increasing, it was proposed that they should meet
weekly at one another's cottages, and there deliver a lecture on any
scientific subject; and the preliminary matters being arranged, the first
discourse was given "On the Advantage of an Air-gun over a Fowling-piece,
in bringing Pheasants down without making a noise." This was so eminently
successful, that the following discourses were delivered in quick
succession:--
On the Toxicological Powers of Coculus Indicus in Stupifying Fish.
On the Combustion of Park-palings and loose Gate-posts.
On the tendency of Out-of-door Spray-piles to Spontaneous
Evaporation, during dark nights.
On the Comparative Inflammatory properties of Lucifer Matches,
Phosphorus Bottles, Tinder-boxes, and Congreves, as well
as Incandescens Short Pipes, applied to Hay in particular
and Ricks in general.
On the value of Cheap Literature, and Intrinsic Worth (by
weight) of the various Publications of the Society for the
Confusion of Useless Knowledge.
The lectures were all admirably illustrated, and the society appeared to
be in a prosperous state. At length the government selected two or three
of its most active members, and despatched them on a voyage of discovery
to a distant part of the globe. The institution now drooped for a while,
until some friends of education firmly impressed with the importance of
their undertaking, once more revived its former greatness, at the same
time entirely reorganizing its arrangements. Subscriptions were
collected, sufficient to erect a handsome turf edifice, with a massy
thatched roof, upon Timber Common; a committee was appointed to manage the
scientific department, at a liberal salary, including the room to sit in,
turf, and rushlights, with the addition, on committee nights, of a pint of
intermediate beer, a pipe, and a screw, to each member. Gentlemen fond of
hearing their own voices were invited to give gratuitous discourses from
sister institutions: a museum and library were added to the building
already mentioned, and an annual meeting of _illuminati_ was agreed upon.
Amongst the papers contributed to be read at the evening meetings of the
society, perhaps the most interesting was that communicated by Mr.
Octavius Spiff, being a startling and probing investigation as to whether
Sir Isaac Newton had his hat on when the apple tumbled on his head, what
sort of an apple it most probably was, and whether it actually fell from
the tree upon him, or, being found too hard and sour to eat, had been
pitched over his garden wall by the hand of an irritated little boy. I
ought also to make mention of Mr. Plummycram's "Narrative of an Ascent to
the summit of Highgate-hill," with Mr. Mulltour's "Handbook for Travellers
from the Bank to Lisson-grove," and "A Summer's-day on Kennington-common."
Mr. Tinhunt has also announced an attractive work, to be called "Hackney:
its Manufactures, Economy, and Political Resources."
It is the intention of the society, should its funds increase, to take a
high place next year in the scientific transactions of the country. Led by
the spirit of enterprise now so universally prevalent, arrangements are
pending with Mr. Purdy, to fit up two punts for the Shepperton expedition,
which will set out in the course of the ensuing summer. The subject for
the Prize Essay for the Victoria Penny Coronation Medal this year is, "The
possibility of totally obliterating the black stamp on the post-office
Queen's heads, so as to render them serviceable a second time;" and, in
imitation of the learned investigations of sister institutions, the Copper
Jinks Medal will also be given to the author of the best essay upon "The
existing analogy between the mental subdivision of invisible agencies and
circulating decompositions."--(_To be continued._)
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