To celebrate his birthday, the KAISER arranged a theatrical performance,
entitled _The German Blacksmith_, of which he was part author. It is not
yet known in what way his people had offended him.
***
It is feared that we have sadly misjudged Greece. They have saluted the
Entente flags, and it is rumoured that KING CONSTANTINE is even prepared to
put out his tongue at the KAISER.
***
Chancellor BETHMANN-HOLLWEG has been accused by the Junker Press of selling
his countrymen to the Allies. But, to judge from the latest German Note to
America, the fact appears to be that he has simply given them away.
***
As the result of the cold snap, wild boars have made their appearance in
Northern France. Numbers have already been killed, and it is reported that
the KAISER has agreed with an American syndicate to be filmed in the _rôle_
of their destroyer, the proceeds to be devoted to the furtherance of the
league to enforce peace.
***
Many German soldiers have, according to the Hamburg _Fremdenblatt_,
received slips of pasteboard inscribed, "Soldiers of the Fatherland, fight
on!" It is rumoured that several of the soldiers have written across the
cards, "Fight on what?"
***
After the 22nd of February, all enemy aliens engaged in business in this
country will be obliged to trade in their own names. With a few honourable
exceptions, like the great Frankfurt house of Wurst, our alien business men
have sedulously concealed their identity.
***
The patriotic Coroner for East Essex, who has erected a pig-sty in the
middle of his choice rose-garden, informs us that Frau Karl Druschki has
already thrown out some nice strong suckers.
***
"Cheddar cheese," says a news item, "is 1_s._ 6_d._ a pound in Norwich."
But what the public are clamouring to know is the price of Wensleydale
cheese in Ilfracombe.
***
The American gentleman who caused so much commotion in a London hotel, the
other day, by his impatience at dinner must, after all, be excused. It
appears the poor fellow was anxious to get through with his meal before a
new Government department commandeered the place.
***
The SPEAKER'S Electoral Reform Committee recommends that Candidates'
expenses shall not exceed 4_d._ per elector in three-member boroughs, and
several political agents have written to point out that it cannot possibly
be done in view of the recent increase in the price of beer.
***
The Shirley Park (Croydon) Golf Club has decided to reduce the course from
18 holes to 9; but a suggestion that the half-course thus saved should be
added to the Club luncheon has met with an emphatic refusal from the FOOD
CONTROLLER.
***
A farmer in the Weald of Kent is offering 13_s._ 6_d._ a week, board and
lodging not provided, to a horseman willing to work fifteen hours a day. It
is understood that this insidious attempt to popularise agriculture at the
expense of the army has been the subject of a heated interchange of letters
between the War Office and the Board of Agriculture.
***
"The warmest places in England yesterday," says _The Pall Mall Gazette_,
"were Scotland and the South-West of England." We have got into trouble
before now with our Caledonian purists for speaking of Great Britain as
England, but we never said a thing like that.
***
A London doctor, says _The Daily Mail_, estimates that colds cost this
country £15,000,000 annually. If that is the case we may say at once that
we think the charge is excessive.
***
A gossip-writer makes much of the fact that he saw a telegraph messenger
running in Shoe Lane the other morning. We are glad to be in a position to
clear up this mystery. It appears that the messenger in question was in the
act of going off duty.
***
There seems to be no intention of issuing sugar tickets--until a suitable
palace can be obtained for the accommodation of the functionary responsible
for this feature.
***
The charge for cleaning white gloves has been increased, and it is likely
that there will be a return to the piebald evening wear so much in vogue in
Soho restaurants.
***
The 1917 pennies appear to be thinner than those of pre-War issues, and
several maiden ladies have written to the authorities asking if income tax
has been deducted at the source.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THAT SHELL-HOLE? DIDN'T
YOU HEAR ME SAY WE WERE OUT AGAINST FOUR TO ONE?"
_Geordie (a trade-unionist)._ "AY. AA HEARD YOU; BUT AA'VE KILLED MA
FOWER."]
* * * * *
"'The Land of Promise' ... was only withdrawn from the Duke of York's
in the height of its success owing to the declaration of War in
1894."--_The Stage_.
Is it _really_ only twenty-three years?
* * * * *
"Residents early astir on Sunday morning had an unpleasant surprise. A
sharp frost over-night had converted the road surfaces into glassy ice,
which made walking impossible without some assistance. A walking-stick,
without some sort of boot covering, was of little avail."--_Oxford
Times_.
That was our own experience with a walking-stick which was absolutely
bootless.
* * * * *