PETREA TO LEONORE.
From the Inn at D----.
"It is evening, and my father is gone out in order to make
arrangements for our to-morrow's voyage. I am alone: the mist
rises thick without, before the dirty inn-windows; my eyes also
are misty; my heart is heavy and full, I must converse with you.
"Oh, Leonore! the bitter step has thus been taken--I am separated
from my own family, from my own home; and not soon shall I see
again their mild glances, or hear your consoling voice! and all
this--because I have not deserved--because I have destroyed the
peace of my home! Yes, Leonore! in vain will you endeavour to
excuse me, and reconcile me with myself! I know that I am
criminal--that I have desired, that I have wished, at least, for a
moment--oh, I would now press the hem of Louise's garment to my
lips and exclaim 'Forgive, forgive! I have passed judgment on
myself--I have banished myself; I fly--fly in order no more to
disturb your happiness or his!'
"I was a cloud in their heaven; what should the cloud do there?
May the wind disperse it! Oh, Leonore, it is an indescribably
bitter feeling for a heart which burns with gratitude to be able
to do nothing more for the object of its love than to keep itself
at a distance, to make itself into nothing! But rather
that--rather a million-times hide myself in the bosom of the
earth, than give sorrow either to him or to her! Truly, if thereby
I could win anything for them; if I could moulder to dust like a
grain of corn, and then shoot forth for them into plentiful
blessing--that would be sweet and precious, Leonore! People extol
all those who are able to die for love, for honour, for religion,
for high and noble ends, and wherefore? Because it is, indeed, a
mercy from God to be able so to die--it is life in death!
"I know a life which is death--which, endured through long
clinging years, would be a burden to itself, and a joy to no one.
Oh, how bitter! Wherefore must the craving after happiness, after
enjoyment, burn like an eternal thirst in the human soul, if the
assuaging fountain, Tantalus like----?
"Leonore, my eyes burn, my head aches, and my heart is wildly
tempested! I am not good--I am not submissive--my soul is a
chaos--a little earth on forehead and breast, that might be good
for me.
On board the Steam-boat.
"Thanks, Leonore, thanks for your pillow; it has really been an
ear-comfort for me.[16] Yesterday I thought that I was in the
direct way to become ill. I shivered; I burned; my head ached
fearfully: I felt as if torn to pieces. But when I laid my head
upon your little pillow, when my ear rested upon the delicate
cover which you had ornamented with such exquisite needlework,
then it seemed to me as if your spirit whispered to me out of it;
a repose came over me; all that was bad vanished so quickly, so
wonderfully; I slept calmly; I was quite astonished when they woke
me in the morning to feel that, bodily, I was quite well, and
mentally like one cured. This has been done by your pillow,
Leonore. I kissed it and thanked you.
"It is related in the Acts of the Apostles that they brought the
sick and laid them in the way on which the holy men went, that at
least their shadows might fall upon them, and make them sound. I
have faith in the power of such a remedy; yes, the good, the holy,
impart somewhat of their life, of their strength, to all that
belong to them: I have found that to-night.
"We went on board. The 'Sea-Witch' thundered and flew over the
sea. I know that she conveyed me away from you all, and leaning
over the bulwarks I wept. I felt then a pair of arms tenderly and
gently surrounding me; they were my father's! He wrapped a warm
cloak around me, and leaning on his breast, I raised my head. The
morning was clear; white flame-like clouds chased by the morning
wind flew across the deep blue; the waves beat foaming against the
vessel; green meadows, autumnally beautiful parks, extended
themselves on either side of us; space opened itself. I stood with
my face turned towards the wind and space, let the sea-spray wet
my lips and my eyelids, a soft shudder passed through me, and I
felt that life was beautiful. Yes, in the morning hour, filled
with its beaming-light, in this pure fresh wind, I felt the evil
demons of my soul retreat, and disperse themselves like mist and
vapour. I drank in the morning winds; I opened my heart to life; I
might also have opened my arms to them, and at the same time to
all my beloved ones, that thus I might have expressed to them the
quiet prediction of my heart, that love to them will heal me, will
afford me strength some time or other to give them joy.
The second day on board.
"I should like to know whether a deep heart-grief would resist the
influence of a long voyage. There is something wonderfully
strengthening, something renovating in this life, this voyaging,
this fresh wind. It chases the dust from the eyes of the soul;
one sees oneself and others more accurately, and gets removed from
one's old self. One journeys in order to stand upon a new shore,
and amid new connexions. One begins, as it were, anew.
"We had a storm yesterday, and with the exception of my father, I
was the only passenger who remained well, and on this account I
could help the sufferers. It is true it was not without its
discomforts; it is true that I reeled about sometimes with a glass
of water, and sometimes with a glass of drops in the hand; but I
saw many a laughable scene; many an odd trait of human nature. I
laughed, made my own remarks, forgot myself, and became friendly
with all mankind. Certainly it would be a very good thing for me
to be maid-servant on board a steam-boat.
"Towards evening, the storm, as well within as without the vessel,
abated itself. I sate solitary on dock till midnight. The waves
still foamed around the agreeably rocking vessel; the wind
whistled in the rigging; and the full moon, heralded by one bright
little star, rose from the sea, and diffused her mild wondrous
light over its dark expanse. It was infinitely glorious! Nameless
thoughts and feelings arose in me, full of love and melancholy,
and yet at the same time elevating and strengthening; a certain
longing after that for which I knew no name. I desired I knew not
what.
"But I fear and know that which I do not desire. I fear the quiet
measured life into which I am about again to
enter--conventionalities, forms, social life, all this cramps my
soul together, and makes it inclined to excesses. Instead of
sitting in select society, and drinking tea in 'high life,' would
I rather roam about the world in Viking expeditions--rather eat
locusts with John the Baptist in the wilderness, and go hither and
thither in a garment of camel's hair; and after all, such apparel
as this must be very convenient in comparison with our patchwork
toilet. Manifold are the changing scenes of life, and how shall I
find my way, and where shall I find my place in the magic circle
of the world. Forgive me, Leonore, that I talk so much about
myself. Thou good one, thou hast spoiled me in this respect.
"We reached Furudal to-day in the afternoon.
Furudal.
"Here are we on land; I would that I were at sea! I come even now
from the sitting-room, and in the sitting-room I always suffer
shipwreck. An evil genius always makes me say or do something
there unbecoming. This evening I entangled the reel of the
Bishop's lady, and told a stupid anecdote about a relation of
hers. I wished to be witty, and I succeeded badly, as I always do.
"They are very neat people here. The Bishop is a small pale man,
with something angelic in voice and expression, but--he will not
have much time to bestow on me; he lives in his books and his
official duties, and moreover he is almost always in the city; and
his lady, who remains here perpetually, has very delicate health;
but I will wait upon her, and read aloud to her, and that will
give me pleasure. I only hope she may endure me.
"Both husband and wife were amiable towards my father's daughter,
but I very well believe that they did not find me very loveable.
Intolerably hot, too, was their blessed drawing-room, and I was
tanned with the wind, and as red as a peony. Such things as these
are enough to make one a little desperate; all these things are
trifles, yet they are nevertheless annoying; and then it is
depressing, everlastingly to displease exactly where one wishes
most to please!
* * * * *
"I have unpacked the trunk which you all so carefully packed for
me; and now new and newly-repaired articles of clothing flew into
my arms one after another. Oh, sisters! it was you who have thus
brought my toilet in order for the whole winter! How good you are!
I recognised Louise's hand again. Oh, I must weep, my beloved
ones!--my home!
Some days later.
"The pine-trees rustle fresh and still. I have been
out;--mountains, woods, solitude with nature--glorious!
"Oh, Leonore, I will begin a new life; I will die to my ancient
self, to vanity, to error, to self-love. Every flattering token of
remembrance--notes, keepsakes--be they from man or woman, I have
destroyed. I send you herewith a little sum of money, which I
received for ornaments and for some of my own manufactures, which
I sold. Buy something with it which will give pleasure to Louise
and Jacobi; but do not let them surmise, I earnestly beseech you,
that it comes from Petrea. If I could only sell myself for a
respectable price, and make them rich, then----
"I shall have a deal of time for myself here, and I know how I
shall employ it. I will go out a great deal. I will wander through
wood and field, in storm, snow, and every kind of weather, till I
am, at least, bodily weary. Perhaps then it may be calmer in the
soul! I desire no longer to be happy. What does it matter if one
is not happy, if one is only pure and good? Were the probation-day
of life only not so long! Leonore, my good angel, pray for me!
"May all be happy!
"Greet all tenderly from your
"Petrea.
"P. S.--My nose makes its compliments to Gabriele, and goes in the
accompanying picture to pay her a visit. She must not imagine that
I am cast down. I send also a little ballad or romance; the wood
sung it to me last evening, and every harmonious sound, which life
in my soul sings, must--go home! Oh, how I love you all!"
* * * * *
And now, whilst our Petrea appears in rural solitude to prepare herself
for a new life, whilst the snow fell upon the earth in order to prepare
it for now springs, we turn back to our well-known home in the town, and
describe the occurrences there.
FOOTNOTES:
[16] Poor Petrea makes a little pun here. The Swedish word oerongodt
(pillow) meaning literally good for the ear.--M. H.