Wisdom While
You Wait
BEING A FORETASTE OF
THE GLORIES OF THE
‘INSIDECOMPLETUAR
BRITANNIAWARE’....
PRINTED FOR PRIVATE CIRCULATION
1902
Guten Morgan! Have you used PIERPONT’S SOAP?
=PIERPONT’S SOAP= defies Competition.
=PIERPONT’S SOAP= knocks spots off the Leopard.
=PIERPONT’S SOAP= lubricates the Universe.
=PIERPONT’S SOAP= makes a Lather of the Milky Way.
=PIERPONT’S SOAP= makes the Stars White.
_TESTIMONIAL._
MR. YERKES writes: ‘What a Soap!’
* * * * *
DR. BILL’S PALE PILLS for PINK PEOPLE
_TESTIMONIALS._
‘Before I tried Dr. Bill’s remedy I lived in Reading; now I live in the
Isle of White.’
‘Before taking your Pills I could never write a testimonial without
blushing. Now I can write fifty a day without changing colour.’--THE
BARONESS ROUGEMONT.
PALE PILLS for PINK PEOPLE
YOU are old, Father Thunderer, old and austere;
Where learnt you such juvenile capers?’
‘It’s part of the Yankee Invasion, my dear,
To galvanise threepenny papers.’
The Editors.
WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN.
MR. C. F. MOBERLY BELL.
MESSRS. WOOLLAND, BROS.
MR. WILLIAM WHITELEY.
MR. DANIEL LENO.
MESSRS. DERRY & TOMS.
MESSRS. SALMON & GLUCKSTEIN.
MR. ALFRED HARMSWORTH.
BISHOP WELLDON.
DR. GARNETT.
SIR GEORGE NEWNES.
DATAS.
American Editors.
MR. JOHN A. WANAMAKER.
BUFFALO BILL.
MR. DOOLEY.
MRS. EDDY.
MAJOR POND.
Departmental Editors.
FOR OBITUARIES--
Professor Algernon Ashton.
FOR NAPOLEON--
Count Balmain Harmsworth.
FOR TOBACCO--
Dr. Barrie.
FOR TRUSTS--
Mr. Pierpont Morgan.
FOR PHILANTHROPY--
Lady Warwick.
FOR OOLOGY--
Dr. Robertson Nicoll.
FOR MUSIC--
Mr. J. P. Sousa.
FOR DRAMA--
Messrs. Klaw and Erlanger.
FOR EFFICIENCY--
Mr. Arnold White.
FOR DRESS--
Lady Harberton.
FOR MEDICINE--Dr. Williams.
Female Associate Editors.
MRS. KENDAL.
MRS. ARIA.
MADAME SARAH GRAND.
KATE REILY.
LADY JEUNE.
MISS LOUIE FREEAR.
MISS MARIE CORELLI.
Sub-Editors.
THERE ARE TWENTY OF THESE.
Sub-Sub-Editors.
THERE ARE TWENTY OF THESE TOO.
Circular Addresser.
THE EDITOR OF ‘THE SPHERE.’
PREFACE.
The publishers cannot permit this modest harbinger of their great
enterprise to steal into the world without stating how thoroughly they
believe in the excellence of their INSIDECOMPLETUAR, and how intense
an emotion of gratitude fills their bosoms towards every one who has
helped them in their stupendous production. To editors, advertising
agents, compositors, and office-boys alike their hearts go forth in a
flood of unctuous and oleaginous fellowship.
It is impossible for the publishers to over-estimate the pleasure which
they felt on learning that Messrs. Derry and Toms were willing to join
the editorial staff.
The news that came a few minutes later to the effect that Mr. Daniel
Leno would also put his services at their disposal moved them to
transports of gratification; only excelled by the fainting fit of
rapture into which they subsided on ascertaining that Messrs. Salmon
and Gluckstein’s reluctance to act had been at length overcome by the
tactful intercession of Bishop Welldon.
They cannot refrain from pointing out with pardonable pride that their
columns contain no fewer than forty million words of text, and that if
the entire staff of contributors were placed in a horizontal position,
the feet of one touching the head of another, they would extend in
unbroken continuity from
DENMARK HILL TO DELHI.
Again, if the collective brain avoirdupois of these gifted creatures
were placed in the scale it would cause
1600 WHITE ELEPHANTS
to kick the beam with fatal violence.
Having, in duty to ourselves and our contributors, stated these simple
but convincing facts, we have only to lift the curtain and invite
our myriad subscribers to fall to upon the eupeptic and unparalleled
banquet which it has been our privilege to provide.
_December_, 1902.
The Insidecompletuar Britanniaware.
TERMS, MECHANICAL DEVICES, AND WARNINGS.
To Intending Purchasers of our Casket of Jewels.
The instalment system as applied to this stupendous work has been so
carefully arranged, as to bring the volumes
WITHIN REACH OF THE HUMBLEST,
if anybody after reading our Preface is humble any longer.
To those who are so eccentric as to prefer to pay for the
INSIDECOMPLETUAR in the lump,
THE PRICE IS A COOL ‘THOU.’
For others, we have a graduated scale drawn up by the
BEST ACTUARY
that money could procure. Thus, we can take monthly payments as low as
a shilling, or goods to that value, excepting perishable articles such
as eggs, fish, fruit, and army boots, but the books will naturally be
a little more expensive in the long run. This, however, is unimportant
and negligible, as in the majority of cases it will be one’s heirs who
will have to complete the purchase. For example, let us suppose that
the purchaser is about to be twenty-one--and there is no better way in
which to
ATTAIN ONE’S MAJORITY
than in the company of our invaluable INSIDECOMPLETUAR--the subjoined
table will show at what age his monthly payments at a shilling will
cease, also at eighteenpence and two shillings. Simple division will
enable the hesitating purchaser to compute the time required for higher
rates of instalment.
----------+--------------------+-------------------
Age next | Rate of instalment | Age when payments
birthday. | per month. | will cease.
----------+--------------------+-------------------
21 | 1/- | 1120
----------+--------------------+-------------------
21 | 1/6 | 840
----------+--------------------+-------------------
21 | 2/- | 610
----------+--------------------+-------------------
But what the purchasers on the hire system cannot
TOO CLEARLY UNDERSTAND,
is that although the instalments go on, the volumes are
DELIVERED AT ONCE.
On the morning after the first shilling instalment is received they will
COME WITH THE MILK.
Nothing can stop them. Your pavement will be blocked by them within
twenty-four hours of posting your remittance, unless, of course, the
coal-shoot is open. Understand this clearly, we
CANNOT TAKE THEM BACK.
Once we have got a set off our hands, threats, persuasion, tears, and
entreaties are alike powerless to induce us to receive it again.
WE WANT YOUR CASH.
Secrecy Guaranteed if Required.
Conscious as we are that the acquisition of an INSIDECOMPLETUAR is
tantamount to a confession of ignorance, we have made arrangements
for the complete deception of the neighbours of Fellows of the Royal
Society, and Members of other learned Societies. Purchasers have but
to express the wish and we will express the volumes packed to simulate
alien articles, such as groceries, pianos, blocks of granite, pressed
beef, hardware, cork lino, Derby Brights, coffins, or the _Dictionary
of National Biography_.
The purchaser has only to fill up and return the appended form:--
_To the Proprietors of the_ INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
SIR,--I enclose [_here insert the amount of your first instalment_] as
a first instalment of the purchase-money of your inestimable boon. In
sending the volumes please pack them to resemble [_here insert whatever
you wish the volumes to be so packed as to resemble_].
Believe me, yours gratefully and admiringly,
[_Here insert your name_.]
* * * * *
Mr. Bernard Shaw writes: ‘So admirable were the precautions of your
secret supply service that Mrs. Shaw is still under the impression that
the cellar merely contains a year’s supply of Grape Nuts.’
Despatch in Delivery.
Every set sent out within two minutes of receiving the order.
In order to ensure perfect punctuality of delivery, Mr. Automobilé Bell
has made arrangements with the Strand Vestry for the use of their 20
H.P. steam traction engine, preceded by a red danger signal, to secure
a free field and no favour.
* * * * *
Lord Esher writes: ‘I had hardly turned round after posting my order
before my steps were completely congested. Our only exit from the house
has since been by means of a fire-escape.’
Dr. Clifford writes: ‘They come up like mushrooms.’
Humphry Ward’s Iron Buildings.
To cope with the difficulty of accommodating a work that multiplies
with such alarming regularity, Mr. Humphry Ward has devised a system of
Iron Buildings.
ONE HOUSE ONE CYCLO
is a good rule, but all houses cannot cope with the strain. Hence Mr.
Humphry Ward’s noble project.
These buildings are easily erected, and for housing the
INSIDECOMPLETUAR are superior in every way to the old method of
shooting them into the coal-cellar, where the process of reference was
difficult.
* * * * *
Lady Warwick writes:--‘It is quite an addition to Warwick Castle.
Mr. Joseph Arch, who was calling here the other day with some more
autobiographical materials, was greatly taken with it.’
The Hon. Lionel Walter Rothschild, M.P., writes:--‘As winter quarters
for my Zebras I do not know what I should do without it.’
Warning to Subscribers.
Purchasers who do not invest in Humphry Ward’s Iron Buildings, are
cautioned against storing the Encyclopædia anywhere but in the
basement. To the unfortunate descent of a complete set from the second
floor to the ground in a house at Queen’s Gate has been attributed by
Professor Camille Flammarion not only the eruption of Mont Pelée but
the destruction of the Campanile of St. Mark.
* * * * *
The Duchess of Sutherland wires:--‘Please send Humphry Ward
immediately. Oldest turret in Dunrobin Castle in ruins. Navvies
excavating supplement.’
Dr. H. S. Lunn writes:--‘I regret to say that we inadvertently
committed the cardinal error of placing your otherwise admirable
volumes in an upper apartment. The house is old, and I am now writing
in the cowshed surrounded by my shivering family. If you have any
Humphry Wards of a larger size please send them by luggage train.’
Patent Book Shelf Beds.
Mr. Honey-Buckle’s patent Dormi-Cyclo, registered as The Bee, is an
ingenious contrivance so arranged that what appears to be merely a
handsome set of shelves containing our colossal work of reference,
will, by the pressure of a button, turn into a comfortable four-poster.
Those readers who are reduced to the natural end of perusing our pages
have but to press the button to find the pillows ready for them.
Honey-Buckle’s Bee combines
BANE AND ANTIDOTE.
* * * * *
Lord Curzon writes:--
‘_Government House, Calcutta._
‘Your Dormi-Cyclo most satisfactory. Have never had better nights.’
Dr. Sven Hedin writes:--‘As a means of combating the notorious insomnia
prevalent in the highlands of Thibet I took your Dormi-Cyclo with me on
my recent journey. It never failed. The Grand Lama after one trial sank
into a state of coma from which he has not since emerged.’
Our Wet Summer.
The conviction now prevailing in meteorological circles is that the
humidity of the summer from which we have recently suffered is due to
the INSIDECOMPLETUAR. The compensating aridity of which the country
was so sorely in need was all secreted in the 100 volumes of our tenth
edition. In view of this fact it is impossible to exaggerate the
necessity incumbent on all purchasers to take out a
FIRE INSURANCE POLICY,
as the INSIDECOMPLETUAR is a very hotbed of dry light. Terms on
application.
Bell’s Hydraulic Cranes.
Owing to the exorbitant avoirdupois of this stupendous work, the
ordinary reader cannot consult it in comfort without mechanical
assistance. To meet this want Mr. Dumbelley Bell has designed a patent
HYDRAULIC CRANE,
easily attached to the study-table, supplied with motive power from a
Bellville boiler in the back kitchen. Terms cash; or on the forty-one
years’ hire system.
* * * * *
Miss Louie Freear writes: ‘I do not know where I should have been
without your Titan crane. Before you could say knife it had picked up
three volumes and hurled them through the drawing-room ceiling. As they
seem to be irretrievably stuck in the plaster, will you please send
three more. As far as we can tell by a process of simple subtraction
they are vols. xiv., xxiii., and lxiv.’
Madame Clara Butt writes: ‘I find it matchless for lifting Mother’s
Joy.’
Sir Thomas Lipton, Bart., writes: ‘It is splendid. I really believe it
would lift the Cup!’
EXTRACTS FROM VARIOUS ARTICLES
in the New Volumes of the
Insidecompletuar Britanniaware
N.B.--_These are only portions of the Articles. The Articles are heaps
longer._
ADVICE TO EMIGRANTS.
_From the Article (80 pages) specially contributed by LADY WARWICK._
=Africa.=--... This dark yet fascinating continent, which extends from
the Cape to Cairo and from the Bight of Benin to the Beit of Park
Lane, Africa, the home of the gorilla, the ju-ju, the kopje, and the
blockhouse, has recently loomed large in the public eye.... To discuss
the recent military operations in view of their masterly treatment
by Lady Jeune in another place [see _The Boer War, its History and
Lessons_], would savour of supererogation. It is enough to state here
that the women were splendid, especially at the Mount Nelson Hotel. The
principal exports of Africa at the present moment are Boer Generals,
Reservists, and books on the war. The principal import is Joe....
[_The New Volume also contains Articles on COLD STORAGE, ORIEL
SCHOLARS, CORDITE, &c._]
THE WILD WEST.
_From the Special Article (68 pages) by LORD KELVIN, Mr. CHARLES
HAWTREY, and Mrs. CARRIE NATION_:
=America.=--... The Fauna of America is extensive and peculiar. Unlike
other civilised countries, dangerous wild beasts and birds of prey
are commonly encountered in the most populous districts. Nothing can
exceed the ferocity of the Trust Fowl, while whole regions of New
York are rendered unsafe by the ravages of the Tammany Bos and the
Tammany Tiger. Yet alongside these examples of barbarous atavism,
one encounters evidences of singular refinement and humanity. Mr.
Roosevelt, though originally a cowboy, has set his face like a flint
against the tyranny of the Beef Trust, and only a superficial observer
would count Mr. Hay as a man of straw. Furthermore, the humanising
influence of American culture is signally displayed by its principal
exports, which include, amongst other products, J. Pierpont Morgan,
canned peaches, Mr. Duke, duchesses, R. G. Knowles, coon songs, Quaker
oats, Tabs, Christian Science, Virginia hams, cocktails, Major Pond,
Honeysuckles, Bees, and Edna May....
In the matter of liquid refreshment America has always set a high
standard of excellence. As George Washington aptly observed, ‘I care
not who makes the laws of this nation so long as their drinks are
discreetly mixed.’...
But the supreme boon conferred on the western world by this great
Republic has yet to be revealed. All that is best in the present great
Thesaurus of Universal Knowledge, the _Insidecompletuar Britanniaware_;
all the electrifying ragtime methods of our scheme of advertisement;
all the ‘sideshows’ in this superb and brainy bazaar; are the product
of the volcanic and voluptuous Transatlantic imagination....
[_The New Volumes also contain articles on LESSER COLUMBUS, MRS. EDDY,
and LOOPING THE LOOP._]
THE MORAL INFLUENCE OF THE MOTOR-CAR.
_From the Special Article (2 pages) by ALFRED HARMSWORTH, O.M._:
=Automobilism.=--... No self-respecting editor should possess fewer
than six motor-cars, if he has any consideration for the well-being of
his staff. Personally I have fifteen--called after my brothers--with a
set of costumes and a perfume to match each. _Peau de Suède_ and Parma
violets go best with a Panhard; _Crêpe de Chine_ and Patchouli with
a Napier; Accordion-pleated nun’s veiling and Sanitas with a Daimler;
crocodile skin and Lavender Water with a Serpollet. Great care should
also be taken in the choice of a _chauffeur_. Thus for my new 75 h.p.
‘Mors’ omnibus I have been careful to secure a driver with a veritable
death’s head. Much depends also on the timbre and pitch of the horn,
and the employment of a short musical phrase or _motif_ as a danger
signal to unwary pedestrians has been found to exercise a singularly
seductive influence. I may note in conclusion that the exhilaration
produced by a quick run is most stimulating to the imagination of
the intelligent journalist. In fact it may be laid down as a canon,
that the faster one travels the more explosively one writes, and
good journalism should be a series of explosions. Automobility is
incompatible with senility, and I attribute the perennial youth of
my staff to the constant inhalation of the antiseptic fumes of my
mechanical stud. Those whom the ‘gods’ applaud must stay or die
young....
[_See also extract on page 55 from the Article on the TIMES._]
Superb Plate from the Article =Agriculture= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: SHEPHERD AT WORK.
RAM WITH CURLY HORNS.
BLOOD HORSE.
HARVESTING, OLD STYLE.
SERVICEABLE BED FOR FARMER.]
Superb Plate from the Article =Architecture= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: DORMER WINDOW AND SIERRA-NEVADA ROOF.
BUILDING THE NEW ROMAN CATHOLIC CATHEDRAL AT WESTMINSTER.]
INFANT MORTALITY IN MUSIC.
_From the Special Article (71 pages) by Mr. HENRY BIRD, Accompanist at
the ‘Pops,’ and the St. James’s Ballad Concerts; Organist at St. Mary
Abbot’s, Kensington, &c._:
=Ballad Concerts.=--... A long and arduous experience of this class of
entertainment has convinced me of the immense difficulty of prolonging
the life of children beyond the second verse of a sentimental ballad.
Once the chords in the accompaniment are grouped in threes nothing
can save them from the celestial regions. Here we may note the great
superiority of Music over the other arts. Literature gives us the grand
conception of the Heavenly Twins, but Music presents us with the still
grander achievement of the Angelic Triplets....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on MADAME CLARA BUTT, WHOOPING
COUGH, and the Works of F. E. WEATHERLY._]
=Baskervilles, Hound of.= _See_ DOGS’ HOME.
=Bigham, Mr. Justice.= _See_ OMAN’S ‘ART OF WAUGH.’
MEN OF LETTERS MANUFACTURED NOT BORN.
_From the Special Article (13 pages) by Mr. GUY BOOTHBY_:
=Bookmaking.=--... Towards the close of the Nineteenth Century the
literary output was enormously increased by the intervention of
labour-saving machinery. Had the phonograph and the type-writer been
available in the Elizabethan era I feel convinced that Bacon would
have written not only Shakespeare, but the entire literature of the
civilised world. A full-sized, full-blooded novel can now be produced
in ten days, for although the employment of band-working machines to
some extent weakens each section, this weakening can be partially
neutralised by careful headbanding. Furthermore, undue and laborious
insistence on niceties of expression is largely obviated by the greater
rapidity of production now attainable. Style is no longer a fetish, and
breaches of grammar or syntax no longer constitute an obstacle in the
way of generous public recognition....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on HOT CAKES, LITERARY AGENTS,
and GEORGE MEREDITH._]
=Bridge.= _See_ Mrs. SARAH BATTLE.
A MANXMAN INDEED!
_From the Special Article (61 pages) by the MINX-WOMAN_:
=Caine, Hall.=--... As he stood considerably more than six feet
in height, was a fairly trained athlete, and had a countenance of
extraordinary impressiveness, if not of commanding beauty--Greek in
type with a dash of the Hebrew--we may assume that there had never
before appeared on the Manx highroads so majestic-looking a Deemster
as he who, on an afternoon in May, left his semi-detached castle with
bundle and stick to begin life on the roads that lead to Rome. Shaping
his course to the south-west, he soon found himself in the Eternal
City. And then his extraordinary adventures began....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on POPES ON THE STAGE,
PUBLISHERS’ READERS, THE HOUSE OF KEYS, and KING EDWARD VII._]
=Crawford, the Brothers.= _See_ THE LOCKED SAFE.
WHAT DID C. B. FRY?
_From the Special Article (31 pages, not out) by Mr. EUSTACE MILES, and
Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING._
=Cricket.=--That something must be done to save the game is certain.
Whether we should restrict all first-class cricketers to a plasmon
diet, or use a thorough base-ball charged with lyddite is a moot
question. Some authorities--including Abel--suggest the substitution
of a regulation ’All Caine for the present bat, whilst others are
for adding six stumps, six inches apart, and doubling the number of
fieldsmen. It has also been suggested that, as the spectator is after
all the principal person to be considered, every visitor to the ground
should receive a revolver at the turnstile, to be emptied upon the
players at his discretion. The apparent folly of employing flannel
for the costume of the players seemed to call for legislation on the
part of the M.C.C. But the discovery--during a recent inspection of
the Jaeger Rifle Club--that flannel is the basic material of hygienic
pastime-wear has induced us to modify our hostile verdict. The phrase
‘muddied oafs’ as applied to footballers still stands....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on PINGPONGITIS, HASKELL BALL,
TENNIS TWINS, TRANBY CROFT, DOPING, BRIDGE, and VICTOR TRUMPER._]
RAILWAY REFORM.
_From the Special Article by Mr. Yerkes._
=Directors.=--Nothing can be done in this matter until Directors and
Sleepers cease to be, as they now are, interchangeable....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on THE SEVEN SLEEPERS OF
EPHESUS and THE CHISLEHURST TUNNEL._]
A GOOD JUDGE.
_From the Special Article (41 pages) by Sir FRANCIS JEUNE._
=Divorce.=--Marriages are made in Heaven, but are marred in Brighton....
[_The New Volumes also contains Articles on HENRY VIII. and CHICAGO._]
OUR LITTLE EDENS.
_From the Special Article by ‘AUNTIE EVE,’ and the EDITOR of ‘The
Pergola.’_
=Gardening.=--The first requisite of the modern gardener is books. It
is necessary to have too many, and as they are published at the rate of
three a week, one can easily accomplish this. In buying seeds remember
that Buttons’ are the best, and we shall take it kindly if you mention
our name when you send your orders. Primroses are best grown from
roots. This was the favourite flower of Napoleon at St. Helena. A
serviceable evening dress can be made by collecting old lamp shades,
stripping them from their wire frames, and joining the pieces. Remember
also that in default of regulation celluloid balls for ping-pong,
unripe tomatoes form an excellent substitute. The first and last word
in successful gardening is the preparation of the soil. No soil is too
rich for the dandelion. If your creepers are too rampant remember that
they can be checked by the use of Keating, in ordering which please
mention this work. An excellent substitute for champagne is obtained
by mixing gooseberry juice and sugar with the cheapest form of aerated
water, and bottling it in old champagne bottles, which can be obtained
from the nearest golf club. A watering-pot is a _sine quâ non_ in
good gardening, also a dictionary of quotations and some ridiculous
neighbours. With this equipment the modern gardener, in the space of
six months or so, ought to be able to fulfil the main object of his
calling, and compile a book which will appeal to persons utterly unable
to distinguish a pansy from a cauliflower.
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on SLOE GIN, CROQUET,
SPADEWORK, and the KAILYARD SCHOOL._]
Superb Plate from the Article =The Goths= in the New Volumes of the
INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: SIMPLE GOTHIC SHELTER FOR SHEEP AND LAMBS.
SUBURBAN GOTHIC CHURCH WITHOUT SPIRE.]
THE NEW ENGINEERING.
_From the Special Article (19 pages) by Mr. T. GIBSON BOWLES, M.P._
=Gibraltar’s Harbour.=--The _Detached Mole_, forming the westerly
boundary of the harbour, is of a different type of construction. It is
a vertical wall formed of what appear to be massive concrete blocks,
but are really the volumes of the _Insidecompletuar Britanniaware_,
the greater number of which are of 32 tons in weight, arranged upon
what is known as the sloping block system, and founded upon a rubble
mound of stone deposited from barges and levelled for the reception
of the blocks by divers. Concrete was then filled in as rapidly as
possible until the entire mass, weighing about 9000 tons, had formed,
so to speak, an artificial rock or island in the sea, being, in fact,
a completed section of the breakwater itself. Upon this foundation
were erected two block-setting Titans (_see_ TITAN CRANES), capable of
setting 36-ton blocks, or volumes, at a radius of 75 feet, by which
means this mole has been rapidly extended north and south to its full
length of 2720 feet....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on LIGHT LITERATURE and THE
ASSOUAN DAM._]
THE TRIBUTE OF A GRAND DUKE.
_From the Special Article by Professor HORACE HUTCHINSON._
=Haskell Ball.=--... This extraordinary projectile, the fruit of
Transatlantic ingenuity, has been likened by the Grand Duke Michael to
an infuriated pat of butter....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on JUMPING BEANS, GUTTA SERENA,
and MR. BALFOUR._]
AN IMPERIOUS NEPHEW.
_From the Special Article (43 pages) by * * * *_
=Hohenzollern, William.=--Now that his moustache has ceased to point
to China, he can be contemplated with more serenity.... It is breaking
no confidence to state that the expedition to the hop district of
Kent, which King Edward VII. contemplated, was abandoned principally
on account of the receipt of a somewhat testy missive from Posen
requesting as a personal favour that no countenance be given to gardens
which, the writer understood, were full of Poles....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on LORD LONSDALE and THE
EXTERMINATION OF RABBITS._]
Superb Plate from the Article on =Holland= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: VIEW NEAR VOLENDAM.
THE HOTEL AT AMSTERDAM WHERE THE BOER GENERAL STAYED.]
THE GREATEST SINCE LEANDER.
_From the Special Article (2000 superlatives) by ALGERNON CHARLES
SWINBURNE._
=Holbein, Montagu.=--In 1902 Montagu Holbein inaugurated the Twentieth
Century with a feat of such sublime and unsubmergible endurance as won
for him an aureole of imperishable lustre. Battling the billows with
an indomitable dexterity more like that of an inspired cachalot than
a finless mortal, this intrepid and miraculous hero only consented to
be withdrawn from the waves when reduced to the verge of irremediable
collapse. Greater than Leander by virtue of the incomparably more
arduous nature of his exploit, greater than Matthew Webb by reason of
his ineffably nobler and more euphonious name, Montagu Holbein has
established a title to undying remembrance that exalts him to the level
of transcendental achievement hitherto attained by Shakespeare, Hugo,
and Dickens alone....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on WATTS-DUNTON, BECKWITH, and
HOW TO FLOAT A COMPANY._]
=Humbert, Madame.= _See_ EXTRADITION.
SHAKESPEAREAN LITERATURE.
_From the Special Article (14 pages) by Mrs. WELLS GALLUP_:
=Lee, Sidney.=--... Mr. Lee is a cipher....
[_The New Volumes also contain an Article on BACON, by Father
Ignatius._]
POPES ON THE STAGE.
_From the Special Article by Mr. BEERBOHM TREE._
=Leo XXXIII.=--... Conspicuous in many ways as was this venerable
pontiff, his true vocation came to him, as it often does, late in life.
Not until he was in his tenth decade was his unparalleled suitability
for stage representation brought to light. This piece of good fortune
synchronised with the discovery by the Italian investigator and
dramatist of genius, Mr. Hall Caine, that His Holiness had a _liaison_
in early youth with Mrs. Leo Hunter, the fruit of which was the
Honourable Bosseye, the inspired Demagogue.
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on TASTE, TACT, and THE NEW
ROMAN CATHOLIC CATHEDRAL._]
Superb Plate from the Article =London= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
VIEW IN KENSINGTON GARDENS.]
Superb Plate from the Article =Luther= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: BAROMETER-CLOCK FROM LUTHER’S HOUSE.
CANDLE LIGHTED BY LATIMER AND RIDLEY.
THE POPE AS HE APPEARED TO LUTHER.
FONT WHERE LUTHER WAS CHRISTENED.
LUTHER’S BATH PACKED FOR TRAVELLING.]
THE GREATEST VICTIM OF PANAMA.
_From the Special Article (39 pages) by H. G. S. A. O. DE BLOWITZ,
Ph.D._:
=Lesseps.=--... At his advanced age he went with his youngest child
to Panama to see with his own eyes the field of his new enterprise.
He there beheld the Culebra and the Chagres; he saw the mountain and
the stream, those two greatest obstacles of nature that sought to bar
his route. He paid no heed to them, but began the struggle against
the Culebra and the Chagres. It was against them that was broken his
invincible will, sweeping away in the defeat the work of Panama, his
own fortune, his fame, and almost an atom of his honour. But this atom,
only grazed by calumny, has already been restored to him by posterity,
for he died poor, having been the first to suffer by the disaster to
his illusions....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on STYLE, THE ATOMIC THEORY,
and THE MIGHTY ATOM._]
=Locked Safe, The.= _See_ MADAME HUMBERT.
A FRENCH LAKE.
_From the Special Article (21 pages) by M. CAMILLE PELLETAN. Translated
by Mr. EDMUND GOSSE_:
=Mediterranean.=--... Here we have, in perfection, all the materials of
a French lake. The water is there, the shores are there, there are no
tides. What could be better? Nothing disturbs the Gallic character of
this charming inland sea but the occasional presence of a line of coast
belonging to another country, such as Italy, Spain, Turkey, Austria, or
the accidental chance that has given an island here or a fortress there
to England. But what are obstacles such as these to a new Minister of
Marine fresh from a newspaper office? Why should England, the eternal
_boule-dogue_ in the manger, enjoy in the persons of her statesmen the
monopoly of ornamental, if indiscreet, metaphors? If it is impossible
to expel Nature with a fork, why should not I, in the infectious warmth
of a banquet, be permitted to employ the long spoon of Lord Joseph
Chamberlain?...
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on CARTHAGE, CORSICA, and
AFTER-DINNER ORATORS._]
=Meredith, George.= _See_ ORDER OF MERIT--in vain.
Superb Plate from the Article =Poetry= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: MR. ALFRED AUSTIN’S WREATH.
MR. ALFRED AUSTIN’S WEAPON.]
A CURIOUS TRIBE.
_From the Special Article (28 pages) by Sir JOHN GORST._
=Nonconformists.=--... Always a belligerent people, nothing so excites
the fighting instincts of this tribe as the Beast with the Seven
Clause. The sight of him produces in them every symptom of activity.
Preparations for the strife may be seen in all directions. Their
chiefs, the principal of whom are KLIPHUD and PAJOPS, rally their hosts
with such battle-cries as NOPOPRI, NODOLES....
[_The New Volume also contains Articles on RATE-PAYING, HUGHLIGANS, and
BIRMINGHAM._]
BLUNDELLING AND BLUNDERING.
_From the Special Article (41 pages) by Sir BLUNDELL MAPLE, Bart.,
M.P._:
=Remounts.=--... The officers of the Remount Department seem to have
overlooked the circumstance, not so much that the horse is an animal
with a leg at each corner, but that these legs should be at least as
strong as those fitted to a Tottenham Court Road table. Just as there
is a use for everything, even Shoolbred’s, so there is a use for a
horse with three legs. I do not say the army can do without such an
animal. But he has no proper place in a cavalry regiment; his place
is among the beef stores. This confusion of duties, this exchange of
interests between the Remount and the Commissariat Department, was one
of the blots on the recent South African war. Shipload after shipload
of horses arrived in Table Bay (I take pleasure in writing the name of
a geographical feature so admirably chosen) all excellently adapted for
the purpose of the cuisine, but all destined by official perversity
for the capture of De Wet. It is such methods that we must avoid in
the future, and it is for this purpose that I have imported a sterling
line of cane-bottomed mustangs from the Austrian Bent Woods, which I am
prepared to offer to the War Office at a low rate, subject to discount
for cash, if Mr. Brodrick has any....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on BEEF EXTRACTS, CHEVRIL, and
CROCKERY (by Lord Lonsdale), CAVALLERIA RUSTICANA, and HUNGARY._]
Superb Plate from the Article =The Earl of Rosebery= in
the New Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: THE HOME FARM, MENTMORE.]
THE HIGHER LIFE.
_From the Article (12 pages) by LIEUT.-COL. NEWNHAM-DAVIS._
=Restaurants=--... Advancing civilisation having shown that efficiency
is based on fine feeding, it is the paramount duty of every patriotic
Briton to dine not wisely but too well. As a great gourmet has
remarked, a rich _menu_ spells a happy _ménage_. At the same time it
is advisable to dine at home as seldom as possible: it is cheap but
monotonous, and often nasty, and there are 150 restaurants in London
where a succulent dinner can be had for anything from 15_s._ to 30_s._
a head, a fact of which the British workman seems to be painfully
unaware. The conversation of a _chef_, or even an intelligent waiter,
is, it should be borne in mind, almost invariably stimulating and
refined. By thus conscientiously evading the dreariness of domesticity,
a self-respecting and well-nourished citizen, reinvigorated by repeated
visits to Monte Carlo, Cannes, Homburg, and occasional week-ends at the
most luxurious hotels on the south coast, may be able to support the
burden of existence with equanimity, and be ready for his country’s
call. Every house should be connected to a good restaurant by a
souptureenean passage....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on WEEK-ENDS, PEARCE AND
PLENTY, and DWARFS._]
A GREAT WRITER.
_From the Special Article (111 pages) by HALL CAINE, M.H.K._:
=Shakespeare, William.=--... I was born at Stormville, in the Isle of
Heine-mann, in the year 1853. Hall is not my only Christian name; like
Huxley, I was also called Thomas Henry, but in no other respects can
I be said to resemble that ruthless materialist, my whole life being
dedicated to the furtherance of emotional religion and the betterment
of Man. After a brief but soulful experience of provincial journalism,
I came up to London at the invitation of Sidney Lee, Writer to the
Cygnet of Avon, and commenced as a dramatic author. I subsequently
visited Ignatius Donnelly in America, Pope Leo XIII. at the Vatican,
and was the first person to interview royalty in the halfpenny press.
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, TEMPORAL
POWER, and THE SERVICE OF MAN._]
=Spencer, Herbert.= _See_ ORDER OF MERIT--in vain.
ONE OF THE WORLD’S MASTERPIECES.
_From the Special Article (91 pages) by LORD ELGIN._
=Statuary.=--... The Venus of Milo in the Louvre is an excellent
example of what we mean. The student, by the way, may approach without
fear--she is quite armless. But perhaps still more to our point is the
bust of Mr. Barrie in Carreras marble, recently erected at the corner
of Quality Street and Wardour Street. Could anything be more effective
than the curve of his pipe stem? Recent sculpture has nothing better to
show than this....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on RODIN and the CRICHTON
CLUB._]
SENILITY V. YOUTH IN JOURNALISM.
_From the Special Article (1 page) by Mr. HILDEBRAND HANNIBAL
HARMSWORTH._
‘=The Times.=’--... This once famous organ, undermined by the deadly
competition of an efficient halfpenny press, fell into its dotage in
the last decade of the nineteenth century. Feeble efforts were made to
bolster it up by distributing it as a bonus to purchasers of the ninth
and tenth edition of the _Encyclopædia Britannica_, but an article
condemning motor-cars marked the beginning of the end. An old paper run
by a senile staff could no longer make headway against the triumphant
combination of youth and ‘hustle.’ This fact can best be illustrated
in the same way that the _Daily Mail_ displayed the ages of railway
directors--by the appended tables giving at a glance the ages of the
leading men in the two organizations in the summer of 1902:--
AGES OF THE _Times_ STAFF. AGES OF THE _Daily Mail_ STAFF.
C. F. Moberly Bell 198 Alfred Napoleon Harmsworth 23
G. E. Buckle 186 Scipio Africanus Harmsworth 21
Sir Donald Mackenzie Wallace 185 Hildebrand Hannibal Harmsworth 19
Humphry Ward 193
George Hooper 179 Alexander Tamburlaine Harmsworth 16
Dr. Morrison 183
G. W. Smalley 178 Wellington Marlborough Harmsworth 14
J. A. Fuller Maitland 191 Charlemagne Attila Harmsworth 12
A. B. Walkley 199
Hugh Chisholm 174 Washington Roosevelt Harmsworth 6
Valentine Chirol 170
M. de Blowitz 200 Rhodes Kitchener Harmsworth 2
[_The New Volume also contains Articles on THE EXPANSION OF TELEGRAMS,
NEWS INVESTIGATORS, FIRE BRIGADES, and IMPERIALIST LIBERALISM._]
Superb Plate from the Article =Thames= in the New
Volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: FLAG ON HOUSEBOAT.
SHELL FOUND IN BACKWATER.
SWAN FEEDING CYGNETS.
BULRUSHES NEAR PANGBOURNE.
QUAINT DESIGN ON OLD INN AT SONNING.]
THE MAKING OF MAUSOLEUMS.
_From the Special Article (81 pages) by Professor ALGERNON ASHTON._
=Tomb-building.=--... The architecture of mausoleums, tombs, cenotaphs,
and other mortuary monuments has shown of late years a deterioration
in regard to solidity of structure very painful to me in my cemeterial
constitutionals from Kensal Green to Gravesend. Instead of the
Cyclopean ponderosity of the Pre-Mycenæan epoch, one notices everywhere
a flimsiness of material and meretriciousness of ornament most
distressing to the serious observer. The trail of the jerry-builder is
over all. I rejoice, however, to note signs of a return to a saner and
more solid style of memorial architecture. Foremost in this movement
are the enlightened and enterprising inventors of Bell’s Encyclopædic
Tomb Blocks which in point of density of texture and specific gravity
compare favourably with any other materials, whether of metal, brick,
or stone. Once placed in position they cannot be removed even by the
wildest of hydraulic rams or the most ferocious of cranes. I can
conceive no more ideal resting-place for a wearied littérateur than a
mausoleum constructed of these stupendous and impressive blocks. Where,
indeed, could a man sleep more profoundly or tranquilly than when
sepulchred in the very heart of the condensed extract of omniscience?...
[_The new Volumes also contain Articles on the WOKING GOLF CLUB,
WAGNER’S TRAUERMARSCH, SUTTEE, the ROYAL COLLEGE OF MUSIC, and
CREMATION_.]
DINING ROOM DECORATIONS.
_From the Special Article (50 pages) by WALTER CRANE._
=Wall-papers.=--... The worst of amateur carving, as an American
observer has aptly remarked, is that the gravy so seldom matches the
colour of the wall paper....
[_The new Volumes also contain Articles on TURTLE SOUP, POKER WORK, and
WILLIAM MORRIS._]
=War Office.= _See_ FOURTH FLOOR FLATS.
=Whitewash.= _See_ SPECIAL COMMISSIONS.
Superb Plate from the Article on =Tomb-Building=, by
Prof. Algernon Ashton, in the New Volumes of the
INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE.
[Illustration: TOMB INSPECTOR AT WORK.]
SIGNOR MACARONI’S TRIUMPH.
_From the Special Article (61 pages) by Sir WILLIAM PREECE._
=Wireless Telegraphy.=--... The main principle of the system, by which
messages can be transmitted without wires above or below ground, was
already established by Professor John Oliver Lodge and myself, before
the celebrated Italian _chef_ conceived the idea of employing these
tubes of flour for the purpose. The Macaroni system, as it is now
generally called, has this immense advantage over all others, that in
moments of emergency the entire plant can be utilised as a nutritious
article of diet, while the great reduction in the number of poles
required renders it peculiarly acceptable to the German Emperor ... who
has already dispatched several macaronigrams....
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on PAINLESS DENTISTRY, LEGLESS
BARONETS, and HAIRLESS DRAMATISTS._]
A GREAT YACHTSMAN.
[_From the Specially Blended Article by Sir THOMAS LIPTON, Bart._]
=Yachting.=--... I was born at Youghal. The first thing I can remember
is a discussion between my parents as to what my name should be. My
mother wanted me to be called Guelph; but my father would not agree.
‘No,’ said my father, ‘he shall be called Thomas, because it begins
with tea.’ I was not an unhappy child, but it was said in the family
that I took out a whine licence very early. My passion for the water
seems to have begun incredibly soon. I am told that before I could
walk or speak I would spend hours propped against the bath racing the
soap-dish against the hair-brush. My favourite reading was the _Tailor
and Cutter_ and the _Pilot_. At Eton I was of course a wet bob. But I
did not neglect my studies. I had Bacon by heart, and I won a prize for
an essay on the probable route of the exodus of the Sons of Ham, which
I traced to Africa _viâ_ the City Road.
From Eton I proceeded to Cambridge, where I soon became an Elder
Brother of Trinity Hall and a Fellow of Kings. I took kindly to golf,
at which I was famed for my tea-shots, but my real taste all lay in an
aquatic direction, and in my second year I obtained my blue-jacket as
the most accomplished waterman on the Cam.
[_The New Volumes also contain Articles on CUP-LIFTING, AMERICAN
CHIVALRY, and TANNIN._]
It Rejuvenates.
‘You are old, Father William, yet nimble and fleet.
How kept you your sinews so supple?’
‘By reading this Supplement, slick and complete;
You ought to subscribe for a couple.’
Specimen Interview between the Editor and a Contributor.
_E._ Good morning, Mr. Blank; have you done the Spurgeon?
_C._ I have it with me.
_E._ And the Herbert Spencer?
_C._ You shall have it to-morrow.
_E._ That’s good. And now I want you to tackle Bimetallism, the Beef
Trust, and a life of Ruskin. Can I have them by Wednesday morning?
_C._ Certainly.
_E._ And, Mr. Blank----?
_C._ Yes.
_E._ Please contrive not to get the facts mixed this time. When you
sent in your two last articles, you credited Lord Salisbury with the
‘Washington Post,’ and stated that Sousa had never really understood
the art of ingratiating himself with the wives of Tory wire-pullers.
SOME UNSOLICITED TESTIMONIALS.
To the Housewife.
It should be borne in mind that there is
NO NEED TO BE LITERARY
to find the INSIDECOMPLETUAR useful.
When
A CASTER IS OFF THE PIANO
a single volume will remedy the defect.
Two volumes placed in his chair will
MAKE BABY HIGHER.
A pile of ten to twenty volumes is
AS GOOD AS A STEP-LADDER.
Ranged in the form of a Pyramid, they will agreeably recall
THE EXPLOITS OF CHEOPS.
In the event of a sudden arrival, or birth in the family, a serviceable
SPARE BEDROOM
can actually be built out of the supplementary volumes.
To Landscape Gardeners.
Our volumes are indispensable in the rapid and effective construction
of rockeries.
* * * * *
Mr. Alfred Austin writes:--
_‘Swinford Old Manor._
I don’t know what the garden that I love would be like without your
entertaining work. Our _Sedum maximum_ has never thriven with such
luxuriance as it does this year wedged comfortably between vol. vii.
and vol. xciii.’
* * * * *
Elizabeth, writing from Germany, says:--
‘Our INSIDECOMPLETUAR rockery is beyond praise. I regret to say,
however, that the gardener inadvertently left a volume on the path, and
the Man of Wrath fell over it and stubbed his toe. His temper has since
been something too fearful.’
For Low-lying Districts.
Residents in the fen country or districts liable to sudden inundation
will find the volumes invaluable in constructing
A SOLID CAUSEWAY
from their houses to the dry land.
The Dean of Ely writes:--
‘Nothing but your inestimable volumes saved many of my poor flock
during our recent disastrous floods. There is not a dry page in the
whole set.’
To Shipowners.
Our volumes make the best ballast.
* * * * *
Mr. J. Pierpont Morgan writes:--
‘We are ballasting all the vessels in our new White Stripe Line with
your superb and avoirdupoisy Cyclo. Please send eighty more kegs.’
To Authors.
No one engaged in authorship can afford to be without these priceless
volumes. They contain the material of all books written or unwritten.
* * * * *
As a literary man has sung:--
It all comes out of the books I read,
And it all goes into the books I write.
To Athletes.
Try your strength by lifting our volumes.
By gradual stages adding a volume every few days one will soon come to
LIFT THE WHOLE SET.
President Roosevelt writes:--‘My chest measurement has increased 8
inches and my biceps 4 since I bought the INSIDE. BRIT. If you will
send me your Atlas and the History of the War I can box Tammany and the
Trusts into the Atlantic.’
* * * * *
Eugene Sandow writes:--‘I now use your volumes exclusively in my
schools of Physical Culture in place of the old-fashioned weights,
bar-bells, &c.’
To Travellers.
Intending residents in countries liable to seismic disturbances
will find that the stability of their houses is enormously enhanced
by the possession even of a single volume of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR
BRITANNIAWARE. A whole set will render the flimsiest structure
practically
PROOF AGAINST EARTHQUAKE.
* * * * *
The Marquis Ito writes:--‘Since the arrival of your volumes my house
has preserved an immobility that would break the heart of General
French.’
* * * * *
Mr. Richard Poseidon Cadbury writes:--‘All Earth-Quakers welcome thy
solidifying tomes.’
To Photographers.
A complete set of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE when used as a
background for portraits of learned men is invaluable for imparting an
aroma of omniscience.
* * * * *
Messrs. Bassoono write:--‘Our series of photographs of the members
of Mr. C. K. Shorter’s Academy of Letters, under the title ‘Types of
English Genius’ would be nothing but for your INSIDECOMPLETUAR. We
inclose for your inspection a portrait of Mr. Lecky casually consulting
his own biography in Vol. LIV.’
To the Army.
Entrenched behind a complete set of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE,
two well-armed men can keep a host at bay.
The INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE is a
CONVENIENT AND PORTABLE EARTHWORK.
No shot or shell can pierce it.
Christian De Wet writes:--‘I should never have escaped so frequently
if the English troops had not been so engrossed in the pages of their
ramparts.’
* * * * *
The Kaiser writes:--‘As a barrier against Polish arrogance, I know of
no more impregnable fortification than your mammoth volumes.’
* * * * *
General Viscount Kitchener writes:--‘During the earlier phases of
the guerilla war, the inferior quality of the corrugated iron used
in constructing the blockhouses was a constant source of anxiety to
me. But directly your Supplement became available, I heard no more
complaints. Though slight breaches were made, none of the enemy,
however persistent, ever managed to get right through.’
* * * * *
N.B.--We recommend the volumes also as ballast for war balloons. They
not only regulate the movement of the balloon, but when thrown out from
a point immediately above the head of an enemy or a hostile battleship,
invariably prove fatal.
To the Navy.
As backing for targets the volumes of the INSIDECOMPLETUAR
BRITANNIAWARE are without an equal.
* * * * *
Captain Percy Scott writes:--
‘_Lee Scuppers,_
_H.M.S. ‘Terrible.’_
‘A single volume of your interesting and improving work recently
stopped an 8·937 projectile, the point of which was found buried in M.
de Blowitz’s article on Lesseps, which otherwise was pointless.’
No Class of Society can do without our Mammoth Work.
SEE THE FOLLOWING PAGES FOR PARTICULARS OF HOW IT HITS EVERY WALK OF
LIFE.
YOU MUST HAVE THE ‘INSIDE. BRIT.’
LORD KNOLLYS writes: ‘His Majesty commands me to say that he is so
pleased with your INSIDECOMPLETUAR that he has decided to establish a
new Order of Merit, to be conferred upon the few persons who have not
contributed to its pages.’
* * * * *
The DUKE OF FIFE writes: ‘An excellent publication, but dear. Might I
suggest a cheaper edition for the members of the starving aristocracy?’
* * * * *
LORD ROSEBERY writes: ‘In spite of certain trifling inaccuracies in the
article on Napoleon, I like your work, into which I have dug deeply. I
have a set at each of my houses, and should have kept one on my yacht,
but it is only a 1000-ton boat. By the way, in your article on dialect
you should have given some specimens of the Tabernacular.’
* * * * *
LORD SALISBURY’S PRIVATE SECRETARY writes: ‘I am requested by Lord
Salisbury to say that the rumour that the purchase of a set of your
INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE accelerated his resignation is perfectly
true. Finding how much he had still to learn his Lordship decided that
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receptivity. He therefore resigned, and now reads nothing else.’
* * * * *
The DUCHESS OF DEVONSHIRE writes: ‘May I ask you to be so good as to
send for the volumes at once? We find it impossible to keep the Duke
awake.’
* * * * *
THE RT. HON. A. J. BALFOUR, M.P., writes: ‘Your volumes give the
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volume makes an excellent tee. Ten volumes block the door effectually
against Dr. Clifford. Forty volumes make a superb bunker. The whole
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than 12 miles an hour, thus providing me with the Foundations of Relief
whenever I see a policeman on the horizon.’
* * * * *
LORD ROWTON writes: ‘All our Rowton Houses are now supplied with your
INSIDECOMPLETUAR. Next to _Lothair_ it is my favourite reading.’
* * * * *
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* * * * *
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Like Herod, Marpessa, ping-pong, and Ulysses.’
* * * * *
SIR HENRY CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN writes: ‘I have two sets, one in
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* * * * *
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contributions.’
* * * * *
MR. EDMUND GOSSE writes: ‘... Admirable publication.... Mr. Dobson’s
meritorious articles have fascinated me....’
* * * * *
MR. MONTAGU HOLBEIN writes: ‘I have no hesitation in saying that
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INSIDECOMPLETUAR.’
* * * * *
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as an excellent deterrent from ragging in the army.’
* * * * *
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* * * * *
MR. ALFRED AUSTIN, Poet Laureate, writes:
‘Next to the bliss of writing “Jameson’s Ride”
Is that of reading your “Complete Inside.”’
* * * * *
MR. JOHN MORLEY writes: ‘I heartily congratulate Messrs. Salmon &
Gluckstein on the completion of their editorial labours. When I have
finished the life of Gladstone I hope to write a short monograph on his
illustrious namesake, Mr. Gluckstein.’
* * * * *
MR. JOHN SARGENT, R.A., writes: ‘I have found your volumes invaluable
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* * * * *
M. PADEREWSKI writes: ‘Ten volumes of your monumental work make the
most perfect pianoforte stool imaginable.’
* * * * *
MESSRS. FITTER, of Leadenhall Market, write: ‘The cuts are prime and no
mistake. Nothing in recent literature has affected us more than your
noble essay on Cold Storage.’
* * * * *
THE DOWAGER EMPRESS OF CHINA.--Un Hung, Private Secretary to the
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the set of volumes presented to her, and to say that she is using them
in rebuilding the Great Wall.
* * * * *
DR. J. M. BARRIE writes: ‘I cannot sufficiently praise your generosity
in the matter of pages. Few books afford such a plethora of pipelights.’
* * * * *
MRS. DAN LENO writes: ‘The cause of poor Dan’s nervous breakdown has
been inaccurately given. The pains in the back of his head were not
the result of overwork, but of his mortification at not finding any
mention of himself in your otherwise readable article on King Edward
VII.’
* * * * *
MRS. HUMPHRY WARD writes: ‘I cannot but admit that the portraiture of
my earlier heroines might have been better provided with comic relief
had I enjoyed the advantage of perusing your inimitable supplement. It
positively teems with sweetness and light.’
* * * * *
SIR ERNEST CASSEL writes: ‘Eighteen more sets and I think the Assouan
dam will be completed.’
* * * * *
MR. T. W. RUSSELL, M.P., writes: ‘My debt to your Brobdingnagian
enterprise is so great that I have decided to add a new plank to my
platform, and will henceforth advocate the extension of compulsory
purchase to your new volumes. The magic of ownership is doubly potent
when it implies the possession not only of the soil, but the fruits of
knowledge.’
* * * * *
The BROWN CAT’S THANKS: ‘Mice and Nestlé’s aren’t in it with your
volumes.’
* * * * *
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invaluable in composing the advertisements for “Tatcho.”’
* * * * *
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* * * * *
MR. VICTOR TRUMPER writes: ‘I attribute my success with the bat during
the past cricket season to the scrupulous way in which I refrained from
reading your INSIDECOMPLETUAR.’
* * * * *
MR. ANDREW LANG writes: ‘I have your ingenious volumes by heart. They
are among the few books I did not write.’
* * * * *
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‘_The Dovecote, Rye._
‘I have no hesitation in saying, that if it had been, what I might call
my splendid destiny, to read, in early life, bang through these hundred
magnificent volumes, with their robust, almost brutal, perspicacity and
frankness, as of a battering-ram, I think it is beyond question, that
the number of those of my readers who now are able to grasp my meaning,
such as it is, and follow my drift, would be sensibly augmented.’
* * * * *
THE RT. HON. JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN, M.P., writes: ‘I feel that it ought to
be known generally that when I sustained my recent injury in a hansom
I was hurrying home to resume the perusal of the engaging biography of
Mr. Kruger in your new volumes. Had I only taken it to the Colonial
Office with me, as Austen wished me to, the volume would have saved me
a severe contusion by acting as a buffer.’
* * * * *
DR. ROBERTSON NICOLL writes: ‘Capital reading.... Please send me two
more sets. Claudius wants one, and the Man of Kent another. I will O.
O. for them.’
* * * * *
LORD HUGH CECIL writes: ‘That unfortunate delay in the division lobby
has never, I fancy, been properly explained. The fact was, I couldn’t
tear myself away from your picture of my friend, Sir Richard Calmady,
with his prize Oxford Down ram, illustrating your alluring article on
agriculture.’
* * * * *
MR. GEORGE ALEXANDER writes: ‘Four volumes make a perfect press for
trousers.’
* * * * *
THE RIGHT HON. JESSE COLLINGS, M.P., writes: ‘I have been so
exhilarated by the perusal of your fascinating miscellany that I think
of re-entering the political arena with a new battle-cry: “Three acres
and a Supplement.”’
* * * * *
LUCAS MALET (Mrs. Harrison) writes: ‘I omitted to mention it in my
work, and now feel it my duty to Mr. Stephen Gwynn and my vast circle
of readers to state that one of the few things that kept poor Sir
Richard Calmady bright in a world of phantoms and futilities was the
certainty that he could never drop one of your monumental volumes on
his toe.’
* * * * *
LORD ’IVEBURY writes: ‘... Your splendid article on Bee-mæterlism....’
* * * * *
MRS. CARRIE NATION writes: ‘I don’t know how my campaign against
the liquor saloons would ever have succeeded but for your timely
publication. There is no plate glass that can stand against one of your
tomes. You should see vol. xxvii. bringing down a row of rye whisky
bottles! It’s great.’
* * * * *
MR. W. W. ASTOR writes: ‘Clieveden would not be Clieveden without your
charming books. My retainers find them infallible for throwing at
trespassers on Sunday afternoons. We sank two houseboats and a naphtha
launch with them last week.’
* * * * *
MR. T. P. O’CONNOR writes: ‘Begorra, I’ll make it the Book of the
Week.’
* * * * *
MR. YERKES writes: ‘No time to read your admirable volumes; but am
arranging to tube them.’
* * * * *
MR. TULLY, M.P., writes: ‘I should like to ask the Editors some
questions.’
* * * * *
MR. C. T. RITCHIE, Chancellor of the Exchequer, writes: ‘I am reducing
the Income Tax to bring your boon within the reach of the wealthy.’
* * * * *
MR. C. F. MOBERLY BELL writes: ‘I hear they want more.’
OUR GALA NIGHT.
In connection with the completion of the new edition of the
INSIDECOMPLETUAR BRITANNIAWARE the publishers have arranged for a
festival performance at Drury Lane Theatre of a new musical comedy
entitled--
THE SUPPLEMENT GIRL;
OR,
THE BELLE OF PRINTING-HOUSE SQUARE.
Written by Sir Donald Mackenzie Wallace. Lyrics by Hugh Chisholm, B.A.
Music (for wind band only) by the Chevalier de Blowitz. Incidental
American dances and effects by the Clark Comical Cake-Walk Company.
PRINCIPAL CHARACTERS.
MORTALS.
JOHN BULL MR. G. E. BUCKLE.
PING-PONG (_an old-fashioned Chinaman_) DR. MORRISON.
PRINCE POLYGLOT (_with criticism_) MR. A. B. WALKLEY.
JOB LOTT (_a municipal desperado_) MR. JOHN BURNS.
MRS. CENTLIVRE (_a chaperon_) MR. GOSSE.
AND
LA DONNA (_with Lackawanna coon song_) MOBILE BELL.
IMMORTALS.
THE GENIUS OF ADVERTISEMENT BARNUM’S GHOST.
THE SPIRIT OF KNOWLEDGE DR. GARNETT.
THE DEMON OF UNREST ALFRED HARMSWORTH, O.M.
CUPID MR. ARCHER.
_Chorus of Subscribers._
SYNOPSIS OF SCENERY.
ACT I.--A subterranean chamber in Carmelite Street.