February 13, 1892.
"PLEASING THE PIGS!" (FROM A PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL REPORT.)
Mr. CHAPLIN received a deputation on the subject of the Swine-fever
last week. True to his dramatic instincts as regards the fitness of
things, the Minister for Agriculture was, on this occasion, wearing a
Sow-wester. He regretted that he was unable to don a pig-tail, which,
as the representative of the Fine Old English Gentleman of years gone
by, he should much like to do, but it was a fashion with the pig-wigs
of the last century which he hoped to see revived as "a tail of old
times." It was better, far better to be pig-tailed as were their
great grandfathers, than to be pigheaded as were so many people with
pig-culiar notions, specially in Scotland.
[Illustration]
"I am doing and have been doing," said the Ministering CHAPLIN, "my
very best to please the pigs, but there are some pigs that won't be
pleased when they find that everything is not going to be done for
them gratis. You may take this for grunted,--I should say granted. Now
let me give you an illustration. There were five pigs belonging to
a well-known littery family. The first pig went to market but no one
would purchase him, the second pig stayed at home (not feeling well),
the third pig had pleuro-pneumonia, and the fourth pig was in full
swing--if you can imagine a pig in a swing--of swine-fever; and the
fifth and quite the smallest pig of the lot, a mere sucking-pig, went
'wheeze, wheeze, wheeze!' and 'wheezes' were always a very bad sign.
_À propos_ of 'signs' I have little doubt but that the well-known
sign of the 'Pig and Whistle' descends to us from ancient times of
Influenza. He trusted that the whole pig-family would soon be pigging
up again."
The Right Hon. Gentleman finished by apologising for not being able
to quote anything apposite from the works of either the philosophic
BACON, the Ettrick Shepherd HOGG, or the poetic SUCKLING, his motto
for the present being "_porker verba_," and he had to issue a Circular
about the cattle who were all going wrong.
The Deputation thanked Mr. CHAPLIN, and unanimously expressed their
opinion, that where pigs were concerned, the Minister should have
his stye-pend increased. Noticing that Mr. CHAPLIN had risen from
his chair, and had assumed a threatening attitude, the Deputation
hurriedly thanked the Minister of Agriculture, and speedily withdrew.
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