A few hours later, I was honoured by a most embarrassing request. I say
honoured, because the request was the outcome of a desire to pay due
attention to a visitor who possessed a good passport to New Amazonian
favour in that she took an intelligent interest in her surroundings. If
I add that my diminutive stature, curious appearance, and mysterious
mode of arrival had somewhat tickled the national vein of curiosity, I
shall not be far wrong.
The service required of me was to make a public speech, in which I was
asked to give a slight account of the manners and customs of my own
country, as well as the best explanation I could give of my journey
hither, and my mode of eluding the coastguard. No doubt many of my
readers may think that such a request would not have embarrassed them.
They could have talked glibly enough, and would have felt quite
comfortable when addressing the audience which intended to listen to my
feeble utterances.
As for giving a succinct account of the journey, they could have
invented on the spot so marvellous a recital as would have excited the
wonderment of every New Amazonian. I am quite willing to admit that to
these clever individuals the forthcoming meeting would have presented no
terrors. But they may possibly comprehend my feelings when I tell them
that I had never lectured, or made a speech before a large audience in
my life. And yet, here was I expected to pose my insignificant self upon
a public platform, and address a crowded meeting at an hour’s notice,
conscious all the time that thousands of people were criticising my odd
appearance and old-fashioned diction.
It certainly was no small ordeal for me to face, and I am not at all
sure that my trepidation was lessened by the information that the
Honourable Augustus was also going to give a recital of his adventures.
To be honest, I was not proud of his ability, and I was rather afraid
lest he should allow himself to be carried away by his insular, as well
as by his masculine conceit, and bring ridicule upon both of us. For,
although we knew nothing of each other’s antecedents, it was inevitable
that we should be coupled together in the minds of New Amazonians, who
had never met with our like before.
Myra was solicitous that I should look my very best, and save for the
sash, which aliens were not permitted to wear, I was as gay as any
unofficial native who would be present. My escort was a large one. It
seemed to me that all the college was going, and long before we entered
the magnificent Hall of Discussion, in which I was to pose as one of the
central figures, I had come to the conclusion that everybody else in
Andersonia was bound for the same place.
“I do believe that the Hall is going to prove too small to-night,”
remarked Myra, as we gained the entrance, where a large crowd was
endeavouring to obtain an early turn at the automatic gate which
permitted none but presentees of a certain coin of the realm to obtain
access to the auditorium.
Myself and escort passed up a grand staircase, and presently reached the
platform, where my own appearance proved the signal for a loud and
long-continued burst of applause, which was presently renewed when Mr.
Fitz-Musicus was ushered on to the platform.
_He_ wasn’t nervous. I could see that at a glance. I never saw anyone
look around on a vast multitude of people with such a superlatively
ridiculous affectation of arrogance and accentuated self-esteem, and a
curious conviction suddenly assailed me. The Honourable Augustus was not
of the sort of material that can ever be brought to eat humble pie,
under any circumstances whatever. His experiences in this marvellous
country only served to emphasize his national prejudices, and I could
see that, so far from acknowledging native superiority, he was bent upon
making the erstwhile proud boast that he was “a true born Englishman.”
A quick, compassionate glance which he threw at me also revealed the
fact that he rather pitied me for the feminine ignorance and
incompetence which I was doomed to display ere long. But, somehow, the
irritation which his presence invariably aroused in me dispelled the
feeling of tremour with which I had hitherto been possessed, and I
defiantly resolved that whatever Mr. Fitz-Musicus himself might think
upon the subject, our audience should not vote my oratorical powers so
vastly inferior to his.
My sojourn in New Amazonia had already tended to bestow more vigour upon
me, and since my visit to the Renewing Rooms I had felt unwontedly
strong. Now that pique, wounded vanity, or a natural spirit of
emulation—call it what you will—had banished my nervousness, I felt
equal to any demands which were likely to be made upon my powers of
endurance. The Honourable Augustus was also somewhat improved in
physique, but I did not fear the contest, as I instinctively felt that
the very weapons with which he was so fond of asserting his superiority
to my own unfortunate sex would be the means of his undoing in popular
esteem, if brought into action on this occasion.
The proceedings began by our introduction to several prominent New
Amazonian celebrities, one of whom was no less an individual than the
Leader herself, whose dark green velvet attire was so richly embroidered
with gold tissue that she looked perfectly resplendent. Her cap and sash
were, in addition, adorned with gems, of which the prevailing design was
a harp encircled with shamrocks, the harps being outlined in diamonds,
and the shamrocks in emeralds.
The Leader herself was a magnificent woman, who, when her term of office
expired, would once more lapse into her former condition of comparative
obscurity as Professor of Moral Philosophy, for it was one of the laws
of this strange land, that whenever a Leader’s term of office had run
out, she should for ten years at least take no further active part in
the government of her country. The next Leader elected was always one of
the Prime Advisers, who had already done duty in the ranks of the Privy
Councillors, these in their turn being elected by popular vote from the
Tribunes. It was considered desirable to afford equal chances to every
candidate for Office, hence the limitations of time insisted upon.
When the Leader entered, the whole audience rose to greet her. Then, as
soon as she and her escort were seated, and our introduction to her was
graciously acknowledged, Principal Grey, in a few well-chosen words,
described how one of her students had encountered the two strangers in
the college garden, and the arrangements that had been made for our
comfort and entertainment.
While she was still speaking, the Honourable Augustus skipped over the
stage on tiptoe and enquired _sotto voce_, “I say, are you going to
speak first, or am I?”
“Just as you like,” I replied in a whisper, willing to do anything to
get rid of him, and cover his breach of manners in creating a diversion
while Principal Grey was still speaking.
“That’s all right, then,” he ejaculated, evidently greatly relieved.
“You see, I am used to speaking in public; and you are not. You might
spoil the impression I wish to create, if you spoke first. And
besides——”
“For goodness sake bestow your attention upon your surroundings,” I
interrupted hurriedly, standing up as I spoke, and accepting the hand of
Principal Grey, who led me forward, and introduced me to the audience, a
very handsome man performing the like service for the Honourable
Augustus, who bowed so theatrically, and looked so killingly dudish,
that the one prevailing expression on the faces of all who saw him was a
large smile, which produced radiant satisfaction in Augustus.
“Mr. Fitz-Musicus wishes to speak first,” I quietly informed the
Principal. She looked not a little surprised at what she evidently
regarded as his presumption. But no objection was made to the proposal,
and in another moment we were listening to the Honourable Augustus’s
remarkable peroration.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, and was forthwith astounded to hear
deprecating murmurs all over the house. For an instant he looked
dumbfounded, then he seemed to think he knew what was wrong, and
recovered his presence of mind with magical swiftness. “I beg the pardon
of all those here assembled,” he continued, “I ought to have said
_gentlemen_ and _ladies_. We are more polite in our country, and always,
when in public, do our best to flatter the _inferior sex_. However,
since you prefer it the other way, here goes. It is with great pleasure,
gentlemen and ladies——”
But it was quite impossible to catch what he said next, for he had
tickled the national sense of humour, and though the individual laughter
of each one present was the gentlest possible expression of New
Amazonian merriment, the collective result quite deadened the sound of
the “distinguished stranger’s” voice.
At this juncture the Speaker rose to her feet, and stepped to the side
of the Honourable Augustus. In an instant the deepest silence reigned,
as all listened for the words of wisdom which were expected to fall from
her lips.
“My children,” she began gravely, her rich voice filling the Hall with
melodious sound, “must I remind you that the laws of hospitality are
violated when the slightest interruption of the evening’s programme is
made? Do you forget that it was well-known ere we met this evening that
our guests have been brought up under conditions so dissimilar to our
own, that it is impossible for them to be acquainted with our usual
forms of address, I must crave your strict silence during the remainder
of the proceedings. And you, Mr. Fitz-Musicus,” she continued, “will
perhaps pardon me if I here offer the information that neither ‘ladies’
nor ‘gentlemen’ are supposed to exist in New Amazonia. We pride
ourselves upon being honest, matter-of-fact ‘women’ and ‘men,’ and
discard the other appellations as too suggestive of affectations and
mannerisms. You will, therefore, kindly excuse the feeling of surprise
with which most of us heard ourselves greeted by words which, with us,
are terms of opprobrium.”
While she spoke, the Honourable Augustus stood looking at her with an
expression of jaunty ease which spoke volumes for the invulnerability of
his _sang froid_, and even induced me to look at him with feelings in
which admiration fought for a place on a plane with my amusement.
“Oh, don’t mention it, madam,” he said, airily, “I might have known that
you did not aspire to the same level of culture as the English. All the
same, I am very glad if I can afford you amusement, so here goes once
more.”
Raising his voice, he now turned to the audience, and so perfect were
the acoustic properties of the Hall, that every word he uttered was
heard in the most distant corner.
“I suppose,” he said coolly, “that I may safely take your Mrs. Leader as
my model, and address you as ‘My children.’ Mighty big children some of
you are, too. I can’t help thinking that I wouldn’t like too many of
your size to provide for. But although it is a common adage in good old
England that, ‘good stuff is put into little compass,’ I am willing to
admit that there may be exceptions, and I honestly think that the Irish
race has improved since I first knew it. But you are not here to listen
to my opinions of you, but to hear my explanation of the reasons and the
method which brought me hither.
“Our parsons—I suppose you have parsons here, too—as I said, our parsons
always divide their sermons under several heads. I will be more
considerate, and use only two. In the first place, I am not conscious of
ever having had any reasons for coming here. In the second place, I know
no more of the method in which I journeyed hither than the man in the
moon. You seem to have abolished a good many things here, but I don’t
suppose you have abolished the man in the moon, so you will know what I
mean. Still, I believe I can offer some sort of explanation that will be
of interest to my audience.
“When at home in my native country, I am thought pretty well of by those
who know me. In fact, I may say that I am rather a favourite both with
my own and the fair sex. This is all very well in some respects, but is
not exactly an unmixed advantage. It may not be generally known here
that I am entitled to wear the Royal Arms with a bar sinister, one of my
ancestors being no less a personage than a King of England, whom it
behoved to provide for his offspring, since his benighted people showed
a disinclination to do so.
“Unfortunately, the splendid title and pension bestowed upon the
progenitress of our family honours and emoluments have been appropriated
by my elder brother, the Duke of Quaverly, and my own allowance is so
small as to be totally inadequate to the needs of a scion of a noble
house. This has caused the limits of my enjoyments to be somewhat
circumscribed, but there is one means of increasing my pleasures which
never fails me. The practice to which I allude may not be known to you
foreigners, but you have reason to thank it, for to it you owe the
opportunity of listening to a speech by the Honourable Augustus
Fitz-Musicus.
“I cannot say how long it is since, for I have got rather mixed up in my
dates. But one evening I accompanied a friend of mine to a certain
establishment in Soho, where we partook of some Hasheesh, and,
comfortably reclining upon some velvet lounges, resigned ourselves to
the enjoyment of the dreams which we expected. My dreamy state came on
soon enough, but the first thing I remember is finding myself stuck up
an apple tree. I must leave it to the perspicacity of the assembled
multitude to explain how I came there.
“As you already know, I was not the only fresh importation from my
country, but the other party will speak for herself by-and-bye. Then one
of your—a—must I say women? Ah, yes—one of your women, and a dooced fine
woman too, came upon the scene; cut the other party altogether; took a
violent fancy to myself; and informed others of my arrival. I have been
well-treated since I came here, that is, as well as you know how to do
it.
“But I think it’s a confounded nuisance not to be able to get hold of a
bit of butcher’s meat. And it’s just beastly to be unable to raise a
smoke in any shape or form.
“There are many other things in which we Londoners at least can beat you
into fits. There is a much greater proportion of married women among us.
I have been told that the women here prefer to be old maids, but I know
a trick worth two of that. I have often heard the same sort of thing in
England, and the very people that professed such sentiments always
snapped at the first chance of a husband they got, I may say that I
prefer teetotalism just now, but oh, Jemima! don’t I wish that some of
you would tempt me with a bottle of Moët and Chandon! In fact, the very
thought of all I am deprived of while here has thoroughly upset me, and
I don’t care how soon I’m home again.”
Saying this, poor ill-used Augustus ceased speaking, and sat down on the
seat provided for him with such a sour and discontented expression on
his face that one could almost fancy a transformation had taken place,
and that was someone other than the man who commenced his speech so
jauntily.
As for the audience, it seemed to me that every face I looked at wore an
expression of disgust at the man who was rewarding the Mother’s
hospitality so rudely. The deep silence which followed upon the speech
from which much edification had been expected, appeared to me to be so
ominous of displeasure, that all my erstwhile nervousness re-appeared in
full force.
But I was anxious to undo the unpleasant impression which my countryman
had made, and, the initiatory sentence of my speech once got over, I
talked fluently enough. I really do not remember half of what I said,
but think that I must have expressed myself graphically and
satisfactorily enough, for I sat down amid a perfect thunder of
applause, which caused the Honourable Augustus to look daggers at me. I
daresay he was justified in doing so, for I fancy that when I was
drawing comparisons between my own country and the one in which we were
sojourning, and all to the credit of the latter, he believed me to be
actuated more by a desire to flatter my audience than to speak the
honest truth.
That he was mistaken in this respect I can truthfully say, but I do not
suppose he has forgiven me to this day, unless he has come to look upon
the whole affair as the production of his Hasheesh-laden imagination.
But whatever my countryman may have thought of my performance, it
evidently satisfied everybody else, and I was very glad that this was
so, as I felt that some return was due from me for all the kindness and
hospitality I had met with during my sojourn here.