It could not be more than five o’clock, I was sure, and I did not feel
much inclined to rise at such an unconscionably early hour, until I
heard Hilda ask if I would not like to go to the large baths with her,
and have a swim. Alas! aquatic exercises were utterly out of my power to
undertake. But this fact did not deprive me of all desire to witness the
doings of others, and I hurriedly left my couch, performed my toilet
expeditiously, and accompanied Hilda to the splendid swimming baths in
which scores of women were disporting themselves. Their bathing costume
was neat and elegant, but at the same time thoroughly utilitarian, and
they seemed as much at home in the water as on _terra firma_.
The water was conducted from the sea, and was always cool and fresh,
owing to the mechanical arrangements which existed for changing it. I
could not help wishing that I could swim, dive, and float like these
more favoured beings, but womanfully resisted all attempts to induce me
to learn the art there and then.
In all ages, and in all countries, there have been isolated women who
have been regarded as beautiful specimens of their sex. In New Amazonia
the difficulty would consist in finding women who were not perfect
models of beauty, grace, and dignity. As I contemplated the happy groups
before me, I had ample opportunity to convince myself that not one of
them owed her superb proportions to artificial means, and I was
positively thankful that I measured quite twenty-six inches round the
waist. Had I measured a fraction less, I should have been looked upon as
deformed in this land of goddesses.
I noticed that some of the bathers, not content with simple diving,
propelled themselves to a great height by means of trapezes. They would,
when at the desired altitude, suddenly relinquish their hold upon the
trapeze, turn a somersault, and plunge, straight as a die, into the
volume of water beneath. There were many other ways here practised of
varying and elaborating these swimming exercises, but no one appeared in
the least degree fatigued by them; and I was told that every child was
taught swimming from its third year upwards, and that cases of drowning
were seldom heard of in this favoured land.
After breakfast, the students repaired to their different classes, and I
resolved to venture out alone, my suggestion that I should do so meeting
with no opposition.
My want of stature scarcely warranted the assumption that I was a
full-grown adult, and the absence of a sash proclaimed me to be of alien
race. But I did not doubt now that I should meet with anything but the
most courteous treatment. Principal Grey placed a slip of paper in my
hand, which proved to be a pass such as the State furnished to all its
guests, and was neither more nor less than an open sesame to all public
buildings, such as picture galleries and museums. It was also intended
to enable me to make such use as I chose of the water-cars.
My first impression that this was a country of none but women had been
dissipated on the previous evening by seeing great numbers of men either
working or bent upon pleasure. They were magnificent beings, all of
them, and presented a superb appearance, such as would have rendered
them all-conquering in London society.
Their dress——upon consideration I have decided not to describe their
attire. My friend, Mr. Augustus Fitz-Musicus, told me that he meant to
produce a book, detailing all his adventures in New Amazonia, and it
would hardly be fair to anticipate all he has got to say.
Although I started on my exploring tour with a very good heart, I was
not at all sorry when some one presently rushed up to me, and shook my
hand with most effusive familiarity. This some one turned out to be Mr.
Augustus Fitz-Musicus. He was as much transformed as I was, being
dressed in——there now, I nearly betrayed his secret, after all.
Considerably to my amusement he professed to be very much disgusted at
being compelled to renounce his wonderful tweeds and three-inch high
collar, in favour of——well, in favour of garments that were very much
more artistic and comfortable.
Like myself, he was thrown upon his own resources for a time, so we
resolved to explore in concert, and exchange impressions by the way.
Woman has by man been credited with an undying propensity to have the
last word on each and every occasion where talking has to be done. My
personal conviction is that every man who utters this fallacy knows very
well that it is a libel on my sex, and that he is only warding off
self-conviction by acting on the principles of first attack.
Thus, Molly Muddle tells Mrs. Bungle that Miss Pringle is too ugly for
anything. She has no sooner committed this indiscretion than she becomes
afraid that it will be brought home to her, and resolves to preserve her
own reputation for charity by straightway informing Miss Pringle that
Mrs. Bungle is taking her character away. She repeats and enlarges upon
this statement until she actually grows to believe it herself.
It is just so with the men who try to foist their own failings upon
women. They are just so many Molly Muddles. Mr. Fitz-Musicus fully bears
out this assertion by insisting upon giving me all his experiences
before I can get many words in, and by treating me to a repetition of
them which lasts until it is time to fulfil our engagements to return in
time for the mid-day meal.
“And do you know I am going to write everything down that I see while I
am here,” he informs me volubly. “Nothing shall escape my notice. In
fact, I have begun my book already, for it doesn’t do to trust to
memory, and as my grasp of the subject is something extraordinary, I
expect my book will be no end of a success if I ever go back to the old
country.”
“Oddly enough,” I say, “I have also resolved to publish my impressions
of New Amazonia.”
“Ah, yes, I daresay,” is the supercilious reply. “Of course, there can
be no harm in your trying. But you are only a woman, and cannot be
expected to produce anything clever. However, I like you, and don’t mind
touching your work up a bit, before you send it to the printers. In that
way, it may possibly be presentable, though of course, it is sure to be
rather commonplace. Just listen to my opening paragraph.”
Feeling considerably like a cat whose coat is being stroked the wrong
way, as I listened to these flattering encomiums on my mental
qualifications, I nevertheless paid particular attention to my friend’s
opening sentences, of which the following is a _verbatim_ transcript:—
“The other night, I was with some fellows in London, and we all took
some Hasheesh to make us dream. Then I woke up a tree. Then I saw
somebody laughing at me, and I came down and tore my trousers. After
that, a whole troop of giantesses in queer clothes came and had a look
at me. They didn’t take any notice of the other party, for she was only
a woman. One of the giantesses kissed me, and called me the handsomest
fellow she had ever seen. I like that one immensely, and I am seriously
thinking of marrying her. I understand that the marriage laws here are
just the ticket for rollicking, Bohemian fellows like me. If my wife
doesn’t prove very obedient and docile, I can chuck her over, and won’t
even have to keep my own youngsters, if there should be any.
“I don’t like the way they house you here. If I stop, I shall insist
upon living in a small house, apart from others, where I can make my
wife feel that I am lord and master in it.
“The men here seem to be fools. They let the women grow up as strong and
healthy as themselves, and it will be difficult to reduce them to
civilization again. Isn’t it extraordinary?”
This was as far as the rollicking Augustus had progressed in his
narrative, and I was quite sincere when I informed him that I thought it
very original indeed.
“Oh, I say, you have got your hair cut!” he cried. “It doesn’t look at
all bad, but when you get back to England you will wish you had it back
again. But I suppose you felt that you must be in the fashion. It’s a
mercy for women that they are at least capable of understanding all
matters appertaining to dress. Otherwise, we might expect them to bestow
less attention upon our own personal adornment. They can never
manufacture anything to equal men’s work, but I will grant them the
faculty of criticism. How do you like me in my new clothes?”
Should I have been human if I had failed to retaliate a little? On this
occasion I found it impossible to resist the temptation, and replied
gravely, “Well, Mr. Fitz-Musicus, I confess that I was rather surprised
to see that you also had been persuaded to adopt the National costume,
for it makes you look more insignificant than ever, if possible. You
will be mistaken for some little boy, playing the truant, if you do not
mind. But I daresay my presence will be some little protection to you,
and you are sincerely welcome to any assistance I can afford you,”———
“Come, if that isn’t cool!” interrupted Augustus. “I can see just what
is the matter. You are jealous of me all round, because I am naturally
of more consequence than you are, and because you have no hope of being
able to produce half such a book as mine will be. Still, as I said
before, I rather like you, and we may as well be friends while we are
here. Suppose we try an intellectual topic likely to prove of use in our
reminiscences. What did you have for your breakfast?”
I’m afraid that if I had met Mr. Fitz-Musicus in former days, I should
scarcely have looked upon him as an individual with whom it was worth my
while to waste ten minutes in conversation, and my chief regret now was
that New Amazonians were being edified by the nonentities of a man who
was by no means a fair specimen of the sort of men my country could turn
out. Not that such conceited individuals do not exist in our midst, for
I know some one at this moment who may possibly be mistaken for the
prototype of the lively Augustus.
Should he or his friends read this, I wish to assure them that above all
things I disclaim being personal. It is not quite an impossibility to
find two individuals equally addicted to what is termed fast living;
equally boisterous in the matter of dress; equally conceited and
overbearing; and addicted to the same inane forms of speech. They may,
therefore, console themselves with the idea that, however like them my
hero may be, the resemblance is only a chance one.
The further progress of my conversation with the Hon. Augustus would not
amuse the reader, any more than would a description of the remaining
portion of that morning’s excursion, for I lost all interest in what I
saw, and my return to the college took place much earlier than I had
intended.