MR. PUNCH, HONOURED SIR,--By way of supplementing efforts of
_Daily Chroncile_ to obtain authorised statements showing cause for
defeat of certain distinguished candidates, have secured following
satisfactory explanations, for authenticity of which I have pleasure
in vouching. Have suppressed names of men and places, thus sacrificing
verisimilitude on altar of discretion.
A. explains:--Opponent started with every natural advantage, having
only appeared in constituency three weeks and two days ago, and being
entirely unknown. (_Omne ignotum pro benefico._) I, on other hand, had
been on spot for five-and-twenty years, and was _only two well known_.
B. explains:--Attribute my defeat (by exactly 4529 votes) to
over-confidence on part of my supporters. Seems that recollection of
ample margin of two (one voting-paper disputed) by which I was returned
to late Parliament produced reckless and culpable apathy.
C. explains:--Mistake to suppose that Local or any other Veto had
appreciable bearing on result of election. Fact is that opposition
chartered every available traction-engine to bring up rural electorate.
All other traffic practically suspended. Terrorised owners refused to
risk their stables in unequal struggle. Was reduced to average of one
horse a piece for my four-in-hands. Also other man's wife prettier than
mine.
D. explains:--Am author of many standard works of blood-curdling
adventure, largely among blacks. Found myself besieged one day in
headquarters by what I took to be murderous contingent of enemy. In all
my books of fiction, hero would have hacked his way through midst, if
only with open penknife. Stern reality quite a different matter. Fell
back upon services of local fire-brigade. Turned out afterwards that
crowd actually consisted of admiring readers and political friends all
eager to draw me, by pardonable ruse, into display of heroic qualities
as depicted in my popular writings. Disillusioned by me, and damped by
fire-brigade, mob went off and voted for other side.
E. explains:--Had Women's Suffrage existed, am confident should have
been returned by handsome majority, being single and bit of an Adonis.
As it was, fatal gift for attracting feminine attention alienated
younger male electors. Other candidate solid family man without
physical charm. Has been said that beauty is a curse. In own case must
unhesitatingly admit soft impeachment.
F. explains:--It arose in this way. Had arranged beforehand that pole
of carriage should snap in two during ascent of heavy incline in
very heart of borough, idea being that partisans would be compelled
to un-horse vehicle and personally propel it along in semi-triumphal
progress. All went well till it came to pushing. Then was seen that
weight of fellow-passengers (three obese stump-orators sent down by
Caucus) overtaxed strength of small body of supporters, men remarkable
for intellectual perspicuity rather than brute force. Notwithstanding
laudable efforts, carriage receded, slowly at first, then, gaining
impetus, rushed with incredible speed full into plate-glass window
of MAYOR'S grocery-store. Self and all three orators bled
profusely. Should add that MAYOR was exceedingly popular
politician of heterodox views. Cause of my Party completely ruined by
shocking fiasco.
Kindly observe, dear _Mr. Punch_, how insignificant a part seems to
have been played in above elections by great and vital questions of
day. Let me hear if you want any more of these explanations. Cost me
nothing.
Yours, SPLENDIDE MENDAX.