(_By our Special Expert, who has been accorded the customary courtesy
extended to the Press._)
_On board H.M.S. ----.
---- the --th, 1895._
Forgive me for the vagueness of my address, but it is the desire of
those in command that the greatest secrecy should be observed as to our
movements.
"Are we the Blue Fleet or the Red?" I asked only a few moments ago of
one of the chief commanders.
"As you are the guest of the Government," was the immediate reply,
"you will not be allowed to pay your money--except indirectly to the
collector of Revenue; but there is nothing to prevent you from taking
your choice!"
From this response you will see that there is a strong inclination on
the part of the authorities that are to remain reticent. However, it is
only fair to say that the food is excellent. Nothing could be better
than the wine; and the view on the quarter deck is capital. Still, this
is scarcely an account of naval manoeuvring--now is it?
Well, I think I may reveal this much. There are two fleets--a Red Fleet
and a Blue Fleet. The Red Fleet has a number of ships--so has the Blue.
Then the Red Fleet tries to out-manoeuvre the Blue Fleet, and the Blue
Fleet returns the compliment. All this takes place on the sea. No ship
is allowed to run on shore--unless of course by force of circumstances
outside the control of the commander. And when I had got as far as
this, I thought I would make a further inquiry.
"I presume," said I, to one of the chief officials, "that our object is
to----"
At this point I was interrupted.
"Pray ask no more," was the prompt reply of the veteran I had
questioned. "Take my advice. If you wish a question answered, answer it
for yourself. Arrange in your own mind that 'Heads' shall mean 'Yes,'
and the reverse a negative. Then toss."
And so now I am taking the advice I have received. I have spun my
sixpence in the air. I am to write no more to you. All refuse to send
my communications for me. So I place this document in a bottle and
throw it into the sea. You desired the fullest information about the
naval manoeuvres. Well--I wish you may get it!
* * * * *
[Illustration: NOTHING LIKE BEING READY WITH AN EXCUSE.
_Elderly Skittish Cousin, "OH, HOW UNKIND OF YOU TO HAVE LEFT ME
OUT OF YOUR _BEAUTIFUL_ PARTY! YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN I'M YOUR
_FIRST COUSIN_!"
_He_ (_with no end of near but not very dear relatives_). "SO VERY
SORRY! FIRST COUSIN--AH, YES." (_Recovering himself._) "SO
LONG AGO, YOU KNOW.... HAD YOU BEEN MY _LAST_ COUSIN, THIS _NEVER
COULD_ HAVE OCCURRED!"]
* * * * *
COINS OF 'VANTAGE.--The _Dundee Advertiser_ calls attention
to Mr. "ROBERT WALLACE, M.P. Edin.'s," complaint that the
Imperial Parliament contains, in himself and another Mr. ROBERT
WALLACE, two Members with the same surnames and identical
Christian names. Mr. "ROBERT WALLACE, M.P. Edin.," suggests
that he may get his namesake's Christmas bills, while "the other
fellow" receives his (Mr. "R. W., M.P. E.'s") invitations to dinner.
Could not the little difficulty be overcome with the aid of a
coin of the realm? Let the first Mr. ROBERT call himself
"BOB," and the second Mr. ROBERT "half a florin."
This should settle the matter amicably; although both, no doubt, are
worth considerably more than a shilling.
* * * * *