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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
VOL. 152
JANUARY 31, 1917
CHARIVARIA.
The birth-rate in Berlin, it appears, is considerably lower this year than
last. We can quite understand this reluctance to being born a German just
now.
***
The official German films of the Battle of the Somme prove beyond doubt
that if it had not been for the Allies the Germans would have won this
battle.
***
The German military authorities have declined to introduce bathless days.
Ablution, it appears, is one of the personal habits that the Teuton does
not pursue to a vicious excess.
***
Some congestion of traffic is being experienced by the Midland Railway
owing to the publicity given by the FOOD-CONTROLLER to the Company's
one-and-ninepenny luncheon basket. Many people are finding it more
economical to purchase a return ticket to the Midlands and lunch in the
train than to go, as formerly, to one of the regular tea-shops.
***
An egg four-and-a-half inches long and eight inches round has been laid by
a hen at Southover, Lewes. It is understood that a proposal by the
FOOD-CONTROLLER that this standard should be adopted as the compulsory
minimum for the duration of the War is meeting with some opposition from
Mr. PROTHERO.
***
"We must all be prepared to make sacrifices," says the _Berliner
Tageblatt_. We understand that, acting upon this advice, several high
command officers have volunteered to sacrifice the CROWN PRINCE.
***
The Dublin Corporation has decided to pay full salaries from the date of
their leaving work to those employees who until recently have been held
under arrest for participation in the Sinn Fein rebellion. The idea of
making them a grant for Kit and Field allowances has not yet come under
consideration.
***
German travellers, says a news item, are forbidden to take flowers with
them into Austria. It is intended that the funeral shall be a quiet one.
***
Mr. DANIELS describes the shells made by American factories for the U.S.
Navy as "colossally inferior" to those submitted by a British firm. The
explanation is of course that the former are primarily designed to enforce
universal peace.
***
A Leicestershire farmer who applied for alien enemies to assist in
farm-work was supplied with three Hungarians--a jeweller, a hairdresser and
a tailor. His complaint is, we understand, that while he wanted his land to
be well-dressed he didn't want it overdone.
***
[Illustration: NATURE'S TACTLESS MIMICRY.
CURIOUS ATTITUDE ASSUMED BY TREES IN A DISTRICT OCCUPIED BY THE GERMANS.]
***
A widely-known nocturnal pleasure resort makes the announcement that it is
still open for business, the action of the Court having only deprived it of
the right to sell intoxicating liquors. We fear it will be a case of
_Hamlet_ without the familiar spirit.
***
"We are not war-weary but war-hardened," said Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL in a
recent address. Germany, we are happy to state, is war-weary and will soon
be Maximilian-Hardened.
***
The question as to whether war serves any useful purpose has been settled
once for all. "The War has provided many incidents for this revue," says a
stage paper of a new production.
***
A pig-sty has been erected in his rose-garden by a doctor in East Essex.
The general idea is not new, though it is more usual to plant a rose-garden
round your pig-sty, as a corrective.
***
It is pointed out by an evening paper that the official prohibition of
"fishing, washing and bathing" in the St. James's Park pond is superfluous,
as the pond was dried up two years ago. In view of the exceptional severity
of the weather the authorities will shortly replace the offending notice by
another merely prohibiting skating.
***
Lord ROBERT CECIL has expressed his willingness to consider proposals for
the reform of the British Consular service. The suggestion, however, that
not more than seventy-five per cent. of our Consular representatives should
be natives of Germany and the countries of her Allies seems a little too
drastic.
***
"Without proficiency with the gloves a man cannot make a really ideal
soldier," said Lieut.-Col. SINCLAIR THOMSON to the Inns of Court O.T.C. On
the other hand we still have a number of distinguished soldiers who before
the War attached paramount importance to their cuffs, collars and ties.
***
The use of luminous paint is being widely advocated with the view of
mitigating the dangers arising from the darkened streets. It is pointed out
that the use of luminous language has already proved of extreme value in
critical situations.
***
"You must shorten sail," said the Chairman of the Henley Tribunal to an
employer who was said to have an indoor staff of thirteen servants. As a
beginning he proposes to take a reef in the butler.
***
It appears that a reduction in the sale of chocolate will adversely affect
the cinema. "All my young lady patrons," says a manager, "require chocolate
in the cinema." It is feared that they will have to go back to the
old-fashioned plan of chewing the corner of the programme.
***
At Hull, the other day, a tram-car dashed into a grocer's shop. No blame
attaches, we understand, to the driver, who sounded his gong three times.
* * * * *
TO THE GERMAN MILITARY PICTURE DEPARTMENT.
[The enemy, in his turn, is exhibiting a film of the fighting on the
Somme. At the close a statement is thrown upon the screen to the effect
that the Germans have "reached the appointed goal."]
On footer fields two goals are situated,
One, as a rule, at either end:
This for attack (in front) is indicated,
And this (to rearward) you defend;
In your remark projected on the screen
You don't say which you mean.
If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
And if to yours--we hope to be contiguous
To our objective by-and-by,
But for the present, though the end is sure,
Your statement's premature.
In fact--to follow up the sporting image
In which you "reach the appointed goal"--
With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
Forward and back the fight will roll,
Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
(This represents the Rhine).
Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
And wish the call of Time were blown,
To Mr. WILSON, where he stands umpiring
Gratuitously on his own,
You'll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
To make the thing a draw.
Pity you've broken all the rules, for this'll
Spoil WOODROW'S programme when at last,
Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
He wants to blow the final blast;
Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
Suits us, and not before.
O.S.
* * * * *
HEART-TO-HEART TALKS.
(_The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER: On the Telephone_).
_The King._ HALLOA! Are you there? Halloa, halloa! Are you there, I say?
_The Kaiser._ All right, all right. Who's talking?
_The King._ KING CONSTANTINE. I want a word with the KAISER.
_The Kaiser._ Ha, TINO, it's you, is it? Fire away.
_The King._ Is that you, WILLIE?
_The Kaiser._ Yes; what do you want? I haven't too much time.
_The King._ I say, the most awful thing has happened. The Allies have sent
me an Ultimatum.
_The Kaiser._ A what?
_The King._ An Ultimatum.
_The Kaiser._ I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more
plainly. I can't hear a word you say.
_The King._ The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!! Did you hear that time?
_The Kaiser._ Yes, most of it.
_The King._ Well.
_The Kaiser._ Well.
_The King._ What do you think about it?
_The Kaiser._ Not very much. Lots of other people have had ultimatums and
haven't been one pfennig the worse for them.
_The King._ Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums. It's a
regular ultimatissimum.
_The Kaiser._ What do they want you to do?
_The King._ All sorts of disagreeable things. For instance, I am to move my
troops to the Peloponnese, so as to get them out of harm's way.
_The Kaiser._ Well, move them. What are troops for except to be moved
about? You can always move them back again, you know. I keep on moving
troops forward and backward all the time. It's a mere nothing when you once
get accustomed to it. Just you try it and see. Anything more?
_The King._ Yes; I'm to release from prison the followers of the
pestilential VENIZELOS.
_The Kaiser._ That's unpleasant, of course, for a patent Greek War-Lord;
but I should do it if I were you, and then you can let me know how it
feels.
_The King._ Look here, William, I don't know what's the matter with you,
but I wish you wouldn't try to be so funny. You seem to think the whole
affair's a sort of German joke. So it is, by Zeus--that's to say it's no
joke at all.
_The Kaiser._ Manners, TINO, manners.
_The King._ I'm sick and tired of all this talk.
_The Kaiser._ If you go on like that I shall not talk to you any more.
_The King._ Don't say that; I could not bear such a loss. But, seriously,
are you going to help as you promised?
_The Kaiser._ I cannot help you now. You must play for time.
_The King._ I've exhausted all the possibilities of playing for time. It
wouldn't be the least good. They really mean it this time, and they've
given me a strictly limited period for compliance.
_The Kaiser._ Well, I suppose you know best, but I should have thought you
could have spun out negotiations for a hit--given them a little promise
here and a little promise there on the chance of something turning up.
_The King._ The long and the short of it is that you promised to help us,
but it was only a little promise here or there, and you don't mean to keep
it. I shall accept the ultimatum.
_The Kaiser._ The what? The telephone's buzzing again.
_The King._ The ULTIMATUM!!
_The Kaiser._ Oh, the ultimatum. Yes, by all means accept it. And, by the
way, I'm publishing a volume of my War-speeches, and will make a point of
sending you an early copy. You might get it reviewed in the Athens papers.
_The King._ Gr-r-r.
* * * * *
OUR HELPFUL GOVERNMENT.
"Don't grow potatoes where they will not grow. OFFICIAL
ADVICE."--_Daily Express._
* * * * *
JOURNALISTIC MODESTY.
"The sale of yesterday's Christmas Number of the _Daily Gazette_
already exceeds that of last year's Christmas Number by more than 50
per cent. The sell is still going on actively."--_Daily Gazette
(Karachi)._
* * * * *
"Yes, I think we have it at last--I mean the stranglehold round the
enemy's neck. I seem to hear the death rattle in his guttural
throat."--_Sunday Pictorial._
And to see the glazing of his ocular eyes.
* * * * *
"Had you shut your eyes the opening night at the Opera you might have
fancied yourself back at Covent Garden, London, for the types of
well-turned-out men out-Englished the English, from top hat to
varnished boot."--_American Paper._
That's the worst of varnished boots; they will creak so.
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNMADE IN GERMANY.
BETHMANN-HOLLWEG. "AND TO THINK THAT I, WHO DEFENDED THE VIOLATION OF
BELGIUM, SHOULD HAVE MY HONESTY DOUBTED. SURELY I AM FRIGHTFUL ENOUGH."
(The Kaiser's Chancellor has been attacked in a German pamphlet which
ridicules his "silly ideas of humanity," and says that "nobody need be
surprised at the rumour which is going through Germany that he has been
bought by England.")]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sergeant_ (_after bringing his men to attention, to
knock-kneed recruit_). "WELL, THAT WINS IT, NO. 4. ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO ON
THE COMMAND 'STAN' AT EASE' IS TO MOVE YER BLINKIN' 'ANDS."]
* * * * *
THE WATCH DOGS.
LV.
MY DEAR CHARLES,--Notwithstanding the reckless speed of the leave train and
the surfeit of luxuries and lack of company on the leave boat, our gallant
warriors continue to volunteer in thousands for that desperate enterprise
known as "Proceeding on leave to the U.K." There is however a certain
artfulness in the business, if only artfulness for artfulness' sake.
In the old days the ingenuity of man was concentrated upon extending by any
means short of the criminal the duration of the leave. When Robert first
went on leave he was young and innocent. He had four days given him; he
left his unit on the first of them and was back with it on the last of
them. The second time he improved on this and left France very early on the
morning of his first day and arrived in France again very late on the last
night of it. Then his friend John regarded _his_ leave as beginning and
ending in England, which, if the leave boat happens to be in mid-Channel at
midnight, is not a distinction without a difference. Robert's next leave
was for seven days, and he spent nine of them in the U.K. His explanation
was logically unassailable, but logic is wasted on military authorities;
after that, leave got fixed at ten days net, ten days of the inelastic
sort.
Give a man an inch and he'll take an ell; give him an ell and he is no man
if he doesn't improve even on that. Moreover, how is one to fill in the
dismal vacuum subsequent on the return from one leave otherwise than by the
discussion of subtle schemes for the betterment of the next leave? The
duration of it having assumed a cast-iron rigidity, it only remained to
improve the manner of travelling to and fro. John ferreted about and became
aware of the existence of a civilian train to the port and of a Staff boat
to the other port. He worked up a friendship with a Fonctionnaire de Chemin
de Fer, and took the civilian train; he made a very natural, if very
regrettable, mistake on the quay, and crossed in the Staff boat. He was
able to repeat the friendship and the mistake on the return journey, and
had therefore every reason to be proud of his efforts. Nevertheless he
firmly decided to say nothing about it to anybody lest the idea should get
overworked. But he told Robert in confidence, and Robert told a lot of
other people, also in confidence, and the idea did get overworked and is
now (_vide_ General Routine Orders, _passim_) unworkable.
There was still scope however for Robert's ingenuity next time. There are
other ways of getting to ports than by train. Why hold aloof from Motor
Transport Drivers of the A.S.C. or be above making a personal friend or two
among them? And if Orders limit the use of cars to officers of very senior
rank, why be too proud to take a Colonel about with you? If when you get to
the quay the leave boat wants you, but you don't want it, and if you want
the Staff boat and it doesn't want you, it's no use arguing about it. You
sulk unostentatiously in the background until both boats are full, and then
you state a piteous case of urgent family affairs to the right officer, to
find yourself eventually crossing with the comfort-loving civilians in
their special boat. Robert was entirely satisfied with the way he wangled
it, but, meaning to wangle it again in a few months' time, he decided to
tell no one about it, not even John. But he did tell John as soon as he saw
him, and John told the world. Thus, a further series of G.R.O.'s got
written, published, and very carefully brought to the attention of all
ranks.
The earth having become full of free booklets containing watertight rules
and regulations for keeping officers to the straight and narrow path to the
U.K., and the roads, railways, quays and gangways being policed with
stalwarts whom it is impossible to circumvent and unwise to push into the
sea, the only remaining resource is to apply to the Officer in Charge. I am
told, at first hand, that there is as much variety in the reasons urged in
support of applications as there is in the manner of the applicants. They
attempt to melt him with piteous tales of their future in England, to shame
him with gruesome pictures of their recent past in France, to hustle him
with emergencies or special duties, or to bully him with dark references to
unseen powers. I had a list of them from an M.L.O. himself, who was highly
suspicious even of me, until he understood that I only wanted one thing in
the world, and that was someone interesting to talk to while I waited for
the leave boat to sail. Instance after instance he gave me of the low
cunning of my species, to all of which, as I ventured to guess, he had
proved himself equal. In the circumstances, as he said, this might suggest
some hardness of heart on his part, but I readily agreed, was even the
first to state, that there was no one in the wide world more anxious to
assist our irrepressibles when bent on their hard-earned holiday. But he
just couldn't do it. I put it for him that he was but the powerless and
insignificant agent of an authority greater than himself.
To that he said "Yes, and No," always, I think, a safe answer. True, he had
his duty to perform, and right well he performed it, we agreed. But he had
also his powers, his responsibilities--might we say, his scope? Yet, I
gathered, there were things which, not being entirely master of himself and
his affairs, he could not do. Take my own case, for example. I suggested
(very cautiously) that it would require a very much greater authority than
himself to give relief to an ordinary person like myself, with no stronger
reason to travel by the civilian boat than that my whole financial future
and domestic happiness depended upon my doing so. He said nothing to that;
I gave him but a very little chance. I said that I knew quite well that he
would help me if he could. We were unanimous as to the kindness of his
heart. It was because I quite realized that he couldn't that I didn't ask
him or think of asking him. Very soon after that we parted, I to sail for
England--but not by the leave boat.
Alas! for the weakness of human nature. I am no stronger nor more able to
be secretive than Robert, John and the rest of the brethren. I bragged; and
now I'm told there is a printed order posted outside that M.L.O.'s office,
making it a crime punishable with death for any officer proceeding on leave
to converse or attempt to enter into conversation with the M.L.O.
The only other thing I have to mention to you, Charles, upon this subject,
is the application of a very earnest young lieutenant, who, I'm sure, would
always obey all rules and regulations, both in letter and spirit, with
scrupulous regard. His application is worth setting out in full:--"I have
the honour to apply for leave to the United Kingdom to get married from
January 9th to January 18th inclusive."
Yours ever,
HENRY.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "WONDER 'OW THE NAVY'S GETTIN' ON."
"DUNNO. AIN'T SEEN 'EM ABOUT LATELY."]
* * * * *
THREE AUGUSTS.
A WAR-TIME DRAMA.
ACT I.
_A room in Mary Gray's flat in the West End, August, 1914._
_There is a door_ R., _leading into the hall. There is also a door_ L.,
_but it only leads into a cupboard that_ Mary _really needs._
Marmaduke Beltravers, _a well-dressed man of thirty-five, is standing
by a small table pressing his suit_ (_his matrimonial suit, of
course_), _but without success. His bold black eyes are flashing._
Mary's _lovely face (_by an ingenious manipulation of the limelight_)
is quivering._
_Marmaduke Beltravers_ (_hoarsely_). I have laid at your feet my hand, my
heart and my flourishing business, and thus--thus I am supplanted by that
puling saint, George Jeffreys. A-ha! [_Gnaws his moustache._
_Enter_ George Jeffreys, _an English gentleman._
_George Jeffreys_ (_furiously_). You here? You hound! You blackguard! You
...
_Mary_ (_realising that this is going to be no place for a lady_). The
butcher--know his ring. [_Exit by door_ R.
_G.J._ (_pointing fiercely to cupboard_). Go!
_M.B._ (_going_). Bah! You triumph now, but my day will dawn yettah.
(_Starts._) What was that?
_Newsboy_ (_outside_). War with Germany! War with Germany!
_G.J._ War? Then I am a pauper. [_He does not say how, but presumably
he knows best._
_M.B._ (_ceasing to go_). My day has dawned _now_.
_G.J._ How so?
_M.B._ Your conscience calls you, does it not, to enlist? (George _nods._)
I have no conscience. While you fight I shall continue to press my suit.
_G.J._ (_despairingly to himself_). Alas! what chance will that sweet girl
have against his dark saturnine beauty and his wealth? (_Aloud, hopefully,
as a thought strikes him_) But stay--war with Germany--perhaps you are a
pauper also?
_M.B._ Not I, indeed. I am a maker of munitions. A-ha! [_Twirls his
moustache._
_G.J._ (_losing his temper_). Cur! [_Exit, to enlist, into cupboard.
Before he has time to realise his mistake the curtain falls._