`The truncheon used with practised skill
``Requites him for his sin,
`In such a hand as mine it will
``Abraise his rebel skin.=
`I thought of each bush-ranging chap,
``And for a moment sighed
`That I was not a mounted trap
``Through tea-tree scrub to ride.=
`But soon the notion I dismiss,
``For I can plainly see
`That such a line of life as this
``Much harder lines would be.=
`Beneath a bushel in the bush
``My shining light to hide,
`I felt would be a gross misuse
``Of Sydney's hope and pride.=
`My look alone would petrify
``A breaker of the peace,
`And where I turned my searching eye
``Dishonesty would cease.=
`Police reports my name should state,
``Each deed of mine should be
`A deed for traps to emulate,
``And try to be like me.=
`My blushing honours should be worn
``With unobtrusive grace,
`And energy and zeal adorn
``My calm heroic face.=
`My beat was not in nasty slums
``Where vulgar rowdies meet;
`But see! the conquering hero comes--
``The pride of George's Street!=
`I thought he'd be a hardy boy
``Who'd shout in accents coarse
`"Who stole the mutton-pie, ahoy!"
``Now I was in the force.=
`Or should a cabby ere presume
``To overcharge a fare,
`My eagle glance it would consume
``That cabby then and there.=
`Now mercy light on yonder boy
``Who blows the sportive pea!
`His visage lit with fiendish joy--
``For he'll get none from me.=
`Some power save him from my care,
``Preserve him from my clutch,
`Or mutilated past repair
``He 'll have to use a crutch.=
`His form, though supple as an eel,
``His mother wouldn't know
`Again if I'd a chance to deal
``One stiffening truncheon blow!=
`No more his little idle hands
``Will scatter orange peel
`When fast enclosed in iron bands,
``Or brightly polished steel.=
`I'd marked a nice secluded seat,
``'Twas somewhere in the park,
`Where I could slumber long and sweet
``As soon as it got dark.=
`I spotted out each servant gal
``I'd let make love to me,
`The houses where I'd take a "spell,"
``And call and have my tea.=
`I took the bearings of the doors,
``And windows front and back
`Where I, unseen, by vulgar boors,
``Could go and have a "snack."=
`Fond, foolish women, at my feet
``In yearning worship fell,
`And one, she was uncommon sweet,
``Her name I'll never tell.=
`I thought I'd never lived 'till now,
``Or that I'd lived in vain;
`It was a hardish rub, I vow,
``That I should wake again.=
`Fulfilment of a nobler plan
``Ambition couldn't crave--
`I was a trap!--each common man
``Seemed born to be my slave!=
`But stay--whose hand is on me now?
``Who dares to clutch my cape?
`What light is this, and who art thou,
``Thou shadowy, ghastly shape?=
`A fearful light is shed around,
``I quake and dare not stir--
`A voice! and husky is its sound--
``It says,--"'Ullo! you, Sir!"=
`Before me was the man I'd praised,
``And my illusion fled
`When his infernal truncheon raised
``A blister on my head.=
*****
`Sometimes at midnight's solemn hour
``I dream this dream again,
`And, thinking its _her_ form once more,
``The pillow tightly strain;=
`Or fiercely to the door I spring,
``And firmly grip the hasp,
`And smile to think I've got again
``The truncheon in my grasp.=
`The beads of sweat they gather fast,
``And from my nose they fall,
`I wake, and find, alas! alas!
``I'm not a trap at all!=
[Illustration: 139]
```* Originally contributed to _Sydney Punch_.
SUPERNATURAL REVELATIONS OF A FANCY-GOODS MAN,
OR THE DIABOLICAL DEMON OF THE DEADLY DRAIN.
|There lived in Parramatta Street
``A cove--his name was Joe--
`Who nightly sniffed its odours sweet
``(Not very long ago.)=
`Its every scent right well he knew,
``They often made him frown,
`And he was fancy-goods-man to
``A big firm here in town.=
[Illustration: 140]
`As Joe lay down one night--he slept
``In summer far from from well--
`A nameless horror o'er him crept,
``Of what he couldn't tell;
`His hair was rising up he knew,
``He felt his blood grow cold;
`He felt a little frightened, too,
``For Joseph wasn't bold.
[Illustration: 141]
`And while he vainly seeking rest,
``Lay tossing to and fro,
`By name he heard himself addressed--
``The unknown voice said, "Joe!"=
`"Arise, Oh Joseph! from thy bed--
``Arise, and follow me!
`Hush! not a word," the spirit said,
``"For I'm a ghost, d'ye see?=
`"Bring kerosene, and bring thy lamp,
``And arm thee to the teeth,
`For thou in yonder gloomy swamp
``Shalt win a laurel wreath."`=
[Illustration: 142]
`"Now follow me," the spirit said,
``"For well I know the track,
`And thou shall slay the demon dread
``Of Wattle Swamp the Black."=
`Then toward the demon's dread abode
``The ghastly goblin flits--
`The spirit was to show the road,
``And Joe to give him "fits."=
`And silently they followed all
``The windings of the creek;
`At times they heard a night-bird call--
``At times a tom-cat shriek.=
[Illustration: 143]
`But of the voices of the night
``They took no heed as yet;
`The ghost said, "Joseph, are you right?"
``And Joseph said, "You bet!"=
`And thus began the demon-hunt:
``The road was dark and drear;
`The ghost was mostly on in front,
``And Joseph in the rear.=
`At times they crawled along a trench
``That held Joe's feet like glue;
`And there was many a stifling stench,
``And many a cast off shoe.=
[Illustration: 144]
`And oft they waded deep in slime
``Where rotting herbage grew;
`The ghost said, "Joseph, take your time,"
``And Joseph murmured, "ph--ew!"=
`At length a dark and gloomy pond
``Appeared to block the track;
`The spirit was for goin' on,
``And Joe for goin' back.=
`Before the breeze his shirt-tails blow,
``And though he's sore distressed,
`The spirit said he had to go,
``And Joseph gave him best.=
`"Young man!" the spirit said, "'tis vain
``To bandy words with me;
`Just stretch those _bandy_ legs again,
``For I'm a ghost, d'ye see?"=
`And Joseph, making answer soft,
``They thus resumed the track--
`The spirit bore the lamp aloft,
``And Joseph on his back.=
[Illustration: 146]
`"Yon demon dread," the spirit said,
``"Has reaped his human crops,
`And feasted, battened on the dead
``Too long--we'll give him slops!"=
`he ghost explained the shrieks which rose
``From out the inky tides
`Were made by disembodied coves
``With pains in their insides.=
`E'en while he spoke a horrid smoke
``Belched forth upon the air,
`And forth fresh yells and shriekings broke,
``And up went Joseph's hair.=
`The spirit slid him from his back,
``But Joseph trembled so,
`And wished devoutly he was back
``With Messrs. Blank & Co.=
`"Stand firm!" the spirit said, "drink this
``'Tis strength and courage too;
`We'll awe this great metropolis
``With deeds of 'derring-do.'"=
[Illustration: 147]
`Then straightway rose before their sight
``The demon's war-like crest;
`He's green and blue, and black and white,
``With plague-spots on his breast.=
`I could not paint the demon's form--
``Distraught, convulsed with ire--
`His voice was like the thunder-storm,
``His eyes like lakes of fire.=
`He breathed forth typhoid, boils and croup
``With every breath he drew;
`His touch meant measles, whooping-cough
``And scarlatina too.=
`He comes with measured steps and slow--
``Earth groaned beneath his tramp--
`And with one grinding, crashing blow,
``He shivered Joseph's----lamp!=
`He glared around him, and his eyes
``Shone with a baleful light:
`"Who, who are ye," the demon cries,
``That wander through the night?=
[Illustration: 149]
`"Who, who are ye, that dare to come
``My fair domain to haunt?
`Go, seek some more congenial slum,
``Avaunt! d'ye hear? Avaunt!"=
`Now Joseph felt his courage rise
``From out his blucher boots,
`And while the cautious curlew cries,
``And while the swamp-owl hoots--=
`Despite a lingering touch of cramp--
``His muscles he did brace,
`And hurled the fragments of the lamp
``Slap in the demon's face!=
`"Who's this?" the demon said, said he,
``"A stalwart knight, I ween!
`My eyes are blind, I cannot see,
``They're full of kero_seen_"=
`Then Joseph's heart within him leapt--
``The demon being blind--
`Right gingerly he crawled and crept,
``And gave him one behind.=
`The spirit used a two-edged sword
``(He used it like an axe)
`And while that outraged giant roared,
``His right leg he attacks.
`Thus, thu close, that warlike pair,
``Upon the slimy beach,
`And Joseph poked him here and there,
``Wherever he could reach.=
`And while the giant squirmeth from
``The toasting-fork of Joe,
`The ghost (clean peeled) came grimly on
``To strike the final blow.=
[Illustration: 151]
`Then, Joe, when he his tactics knew,
``Attacked his other calf,
`And swamp-owls' echoed as they flew
``The spirit's ghastly laugh.=
`And soon, beneath those stalwart knocks
``Which echo and resound,
`The demon's severed person rocks
``And topples to the ground=
`"Go in and win," the spirit said--
``"Go in and win, old son!"
`The demon he was nearly dead.
``So Joe went in and won.=
`That ghost full many a 'spotted-gum'
``Had felled in life, you see,
`And so they felled that spotted one,
``For foul and fell was he.=
`"Now fetch me wedges," quoth the ghost,
``"For here, I guess, we'll camp;
`We'll blast his trunk, split rails and posts,
``And fence Blackwattle Swamp!"=
*****
`But stay! what means that sounding thwack?
``That agonizing roar?
`And how comes Joseph on his back--
``Upon his bedroom floor?=
`Where's now the elevated head,
``The majesty and pomp
`Of him who slew the demon dread
``That lived in Wattle Swamp?=
`Mephitic odours filled the room,
``And, acting on his brain,
`These made him dream of blackest gloom,
``And deadly demons slain.=
`'Till, rolling from his couch, he broke
``The silence with a scream,
`He bumped upon the floor--then woke, *
``And found it all a dream!=
`Next morning, so tradition tells,
``His way to church Joe took,
`To curse the Corporation swells
``With candle, bell, and book.=
* Justice compels me to state that the condition of the
swamp referred to has been materially improved of late, and
it is no longer the all-powerful and putrifying nuisance it
was.
`He prayed that they might cursèd be
``Within the Council hall,
`At evening parties, breakfast, tea,--
``At dinner most of all.=
`That they might feast in woe and grief,
``On chicken with the croup;
`That pleuro might infect their beef,
``And flies invade their soup;=
[Illustration: 154]
`That turtles, though so often "turned,"
``Might some day turn on them,
`And that at last they might be burned,
``And fricasseed in-hem!=
`And ne'er this curse shall lifted be
``From Aldermanic back,
`Until from odours foul set free
``Is Wattle Swamp the Black.`=
CHRISTMAS.
By a New Chum.
|What means that merry clanging chime
``Which fills the air with melody?
`They tell me that 'tis Christmas time,
``But that I think can scarcely be.=
`This explanation is, I say,
``A little bit too thin for me,
`While fiercely strikes the solar ray
``Through hat of straw and puggaree.=
`The centigrade, I grieve to see,
``Stands up at figures past belief,
`And naught but frequent S and B
``Gives my perspiring soul relief.=
``No veil of snow enwraps the lea,
``And as for skating in the Park,
`Or sledging, one as well might be
``On Ararat in Noahs ark.=
`Where is the icy blast, and where
``The white hoar frost, and driving sleet?
`At night I suffocate and swear
``With nothing on me but a sheet.=
`Mosquitoes hum the whole night through,
``And flies salute me when I wake
`In numbers anything but few,
``And yesterday I saw a snake.=
`No leaf decays; no flower dies;
``All nature seems as fair and bright
`As, when beneath Judean skies,
``The shepherds watched their flocks by night.=
`[In fair Judea's sunny clime,
``Among its mountain gorges lone,
`Those shepherds had a rosy time,
``For wire-fencing wasn't known.=
`They were not prone to "knocking-down"
``Of cheques or going on the spree,
`For "pubs" and "shanties" were not found
``Beside the Lake of Galilee.=
`They groaned not 'neath the squatters yoke;
``A life of pure arcadian ease
`Was theirs-ah! happy, happy blokes!
``For this digression, pardon, please.]=
`_Those_ Christmas chimes, indeed! their notes
``Awake no passing thought in me,
`Of flannel vests, and Ulster coats,
``So Christmas chimes they cannot be.=
`A drowsy hum is in the air--
``There's perspiration on my skin;
`The locusts eat the grass-plots bare,
``And deafen with their noisy din.=
`The folks were drinking summer drinks
``When first I landed here last "fall
`Tis summer still, alas! methinks
``They have no Christmas here at all.=
`But stay! that paper pile sublime--
``Of I O.U. and unpaid bill--
`Breathes somewhat of the festive time
``Of "peace on earth--to man good-will."=
`There's Starkey's bill for lemonade,
``And Peape's and Shaw's for summer suits,
`A host of others, all unpaid,
``For ice, and cubas, and cheroots.=
`Enough! 'tis proof enough for me--
``Proof stronger far than Christmas chime;
`Your pardon, friend, for doubting thee,
``Beyond a doubt 'tis Christmas time.=
"THE CATARACT." *
|I stood by the trunk of a giant box
And watched the Cataract down the rocks
``With ceaseless thunder go.
The boiling waters seethed and hissed,
And glittering clouds of gleaming mist
``Ascended from below.=
The fading glow of the sunlight slants
O'er the frowning cliff which the creeping plants,
``And moss, and lichens drape.
The mist spread forth on the sultry air--
'Twas wreathed in figures, some foul, some fair;
I traced the form of a spectre there
``Of weird and ghastly shape.=
There was silence, save for the summer breeze
Which swayed the tops of the mess-mate trees,
``And the torrent's noisy flow.
Awhile the figure seemed to stand,
Then waved a shadowy, spectral hand,
``And pointed down below.=
* Written for the Town and Country Journal, March 25th,
1876, with reference to the well-known Cataract near Berrima.
With wild vague thoughts my fancy strove
Of hidden riches, and treasure trove,
``And gems and jewels bright;
And what, thought I, if the omen's true?
And thick and fast such fancies grew
Till rock, and torrent, and spectre too
``All faded from my sight=
I saw the crust of the earth removed--
Each wild conjecture fairly proved--
``I saw, 'twas even so,
Peerless gems of price untold,
Piles on piles of glittering gold,
And the moon-beams glinted clear and cold
``On the wealth that lay below.=
Ere long men came to that valley "fair;
They sought for coal-black diamonds there,
``And they dragged them from below:
And the furnace fires, the hiss of steam,
And the whirr of fly-wheel, belt, and beam
Fulfilled that shadowy, golden dream
``I dreamt so long ago.=
THE STOCKMAN'S GRAVE.
|Tom the stockman's gone--he'll never
``Use again his supple thong,
`Or, dashing madly through the mulga,
``Urge the scattered herd along.=
`O'er for Tom is life's hard battle!
``Well he rode, and nothing feared;
`Never more among the cattle
``Shall his cheery voice be heard.=
`Liked he was with' all his failings;
``Let no idle hand efface.
`That rude ring of rough split palings,
``Marking out his resting place.=
`Sadly have his comrades left him
``Where the cane-grass, gently stirred
`By the north wind, bends and quivers--
``Where the bell-bird's note is heard;=
`Where the tangled "boree" blossoms,
``Where the "gidya" thickets wave,
`And the tall yapunyah's * shadow
``Rests upon the stockman's grave.
* A species of Eucalyptus which flourishes on the Paroo and
in the west of Queensland.
EPITAPH ON A CONVIVIAL SHEARER.
|Here Thompson lies--good worthy man--
``Come, gentle reader, nearer;
`He's now as quiet as a lamb
``Though once he was a shearer.=
`Though many sheep in life he shore,
``He's now beyond retrieving!
`He's _sheered_ off to that other _shore_
``Which surely there's no leaving.=
`Though he o'er ewes and wethers too
``Was often bent, I'm thinking
`Rough _weather_ o'er him bends the _yew_--
``He killed himself with drinking.=
`No more in shed, or yard, or hut
``Will Thompson be appearing!
`On wings of _down_ his soul flew _up_--
``He's gone where there's no shearing.=
`He often handled "Ward and Payne's,"*
``For he was often shearing!
`Alas! the pains of death reward
``His everlasting beering.=
`And from his fingers dropped the shears,
``For nature's debt was pressing;
`Death nailed his body for arrears--
``His spirit effervescing.=
`Though at his jokes we often roared,
``He's now a soundish sleeper!
`His crop of chaff at length is floored
``By Death, that mighty reaper.=
* Note.--Ward and Payne's sheep shears are or were most in
use in the Australian Colonies when the above was written.
A CANDIDATE FOR AN EARLY GRAVE.
|What makes me wear my boots so tight,
``And much pomatum buy,
`Toss restless on my bed at night,
``And like an earthquake sigh?=
`I 've seen a maid, I'd fain persuade
``That girl to fancy me;
`Thrice happy fate with such a mate
``For life as Polly C------!=
`But then I can't without her aunt
``That damsel ever see;
`Why must there always be a "but"
``Between my hopes and me?=
`And Polly C------ has got to be
``Between me and my peace,
`For though I can't endure the aunt,
``I idolize the neice.=
`The aunt is forty-three at least,
``The neice but seventeen;
`For her I pine, for her so greased
``My hair of late has been.=
`For her my feet are close compressed
``In boots a deal too tight;
`For her I sacrifice my rest,
``And get no sleep at night;=
`For her I run that tailor's bill
``That makes my father swear,
`And to the grave I fear it will
``Bring down his grizzled hair.=
*****
`We met, but 'twas not in a crowd,
``It was not at a ball,
`Nor where cascades with thunder loud
``From precipices fall;=
`Nor where the mountain torrents rush,
``Or ocean billows heave;
`Nor at the railway terminus
``'Mid cries of "by'r leave;"=
`It was not in the forest wild,
``Nor on the silent sea--
`Romantic reader don't be riled--
``'Twas at a "spelling-bee."=
[Illustration: 168]
`'Twas there I marked the jetty coil
``That crowned her classic head--
`The perfumes of macassar oil
``Were all around her shed.=
`And o'er the meaner spirits there
``Her mighty soul arose;
`Her intellect and genius were
``Aspiring--like her nose.=
`And Polly was the fairest there--
``'The goddess of the class--
`Among the _poly_syllables
``Unscathed I saw her pass.=
`Examiners with piercing eye,
``And terror-striking frown
`In vain to trip her up might try--
``In vain to take her down.=
`She triumphs, and the loud applause
``From roof to basement rings--
`Each other girl with envy gnaws
``Her hat and bonnet strings.=
`Sometimes (regardless of expense)
``I dressed and went to church;
`One glimpse of her would recompense
``My eager longing search.=
`And, while the swelling organ rent
``The air with solemn tunes,
`On spelling-bees my thoughts were bent
``And happy honeymoons.=
`And where I brooding sat alone
``The wildest dreams I dreamt,
`And swore to win her for my own
``Or "bust' in the attempt.=
*****
`We met at parties, and our toes
``Whirl in the dreamy waltz,
`And if at times a thought arose--
``Could hair like that be false?=
`I sniffed the reassuring coil
``That shamed the damask rose,
`And could not breathe a thought disloyal
``While that was near my nose.=
[Illustration: 171]
`At length her aunt--the summer gone--
``The influenza got;
`To see my Polly to her home
``It oft became my lot.=
`And if I took the longest way
``The fraud was never known,
`For organ of "locality"
``My darling she had none.=
`One night, about the supper hour,
``Thanks to some kindly fate,
`We reached the entrance to her bower--
``I mean the garden gate.=
`It was a gloomy night and wet
``With rain and driving sleet,
`And more than common risk beset
``Pedestrians in the street.=
`From harm from wheel of cab or cart
``I'd kept my darling free,
`And in the fulness of her heart
``She asked me in to tea.=
`Her aunt, that stately dame and grand,
``Looked knives and forks at me;
`She'd "Butter's Spelling" in her hand,
``And "Webster" on her knee.=
`Her bead-like eyes gleamed bright behind
``The spectacles she wore;
`Of intellect and strength of mind
``She had enough for four.=
`And tall her figure was, and spare,
``And bony were her joints;
`Orthography and grammar were
``The strongest of her points.=
`A morbid taste this virgin chaste
``For dictionaries had;
`Though Polly C. might perfect be,
``Her aunt was spelling mad.=
`I felt that if an angel bright
``To earth from Oether fell,
`She'd either give that Son of Light
``Some heavy word to spell,=
`Or else she'd get him on to parse,
``'Till sick of earthly things,
`He'd work his passage to the stars
``Upon his downy wings.=
[Illustration: 174]
`At Dr. Blank's academy,
``I never took the lead;
`My grammar and orthography
``Were very weak indeed,=
`And oft those academic walls
``Have echoed to my howls,
`Responsive to the Doctor's calls
``For consonants and vow'ls.=
`His rules respecting "Q's" and "P's"
``Were graven on our backs,
`And though we had no spelling-bees,
``I got my share of _whacks_.=
`For what the Doctor failed to see
``Impressed upon the mind,
`Was certain very soon to be
``Impressed in full _behind_.=
`But still, despite the scathing look,
``And cane of Dr. Blank.
`My spelling powers never took
``An elevated rank.=
`And if my hopes of Polly hung
``Upon so frail a thread,
`My life was blighted 'ere begun--
``My hopes, scarce born, were dead.=
`All silent through that evening meal
``I sat with bended head,
`And now and then a glance I steal
``At Polly while she fed;=
`But though her eyes I often seek,
``I only look at most;
`My heart's too full of love to speak,
``My mouth too full of toast.=
`Oh! sweet love-feast!--too sweet to last--
``Oh! bitter after-cud!
`Oh! spinster grim why didst thou blast
``Love's blossom in the bud?=
`For, ere one happy hour could pass,
``That virgin grim and fell
`Invited me to join the class
``Where Polly went to spell;=
`And though I trembled in my shoes,
``In hopeless agony,
`Could I the aunt of her refuse
``Whose _spell_ was over me?=
`At length arrived the dreaded hour,
``And primed with _eau de vie_,
`I sought that orthographic bower
``Where met the spelling-bee.=
`No hope of prizes lured me toward
``Those hundred gleaming eyes,
`For me there was but one reward,
``And Polly was the prize.=
`For her my dull ambition leapt,
``In literary lists
`To cope with lunatics who slept
``With "Webster" in their fists.=
`Vague dread forebodings cloud my brow,
``And make my cheek grow pale,
`Oh! Dr. Johnson help me now--
``My hopes are in the scale!=
`My frame with apprehension shook;
``To nerve me for the task,
`With tender, longing, yearning look
``I eyed my pocket-flask,=
`And tempted by the spirit bright
``That dwelt within its lips,
`I put the contents out of sight
``In two convulsive sips.=
`A stony-eyed examiner
``Came in and took the chair;
`I knew a place that's spelt with "H,"
``And wished that he was there.=
`I softly cursed his form erect,
``His "specs" with golden rim,
`And prayed that doctors might dissect
``His body limb from limb.=
`But soon the spirit's subtle fume
``Obfusticates my view;
`The common objects of the room
``Seem multiplied by two.=
`My breast, the late abode of funk,
``With courage was embued;
`I was a little less than drunk,
``And something more than screwed.=
`And while my heart beat loud and fast
``With wild convulsive pants,
`I saw _two_ Pollys, and alas!
``A _pair_ of Polly's Aunts!
`I fail to solve the mystery
``Which Polly I prefer,
`But thought I'd like _Poly_gamy
``With duplicates of her.
`Involved in intellectual gloom,
``I found the A. B. C.
`Had vanished, vanquished by the fumes
``Of Henessey's P. B.
`And when that stony-looking one
``Applied at length to me,
`I spelt "consumption" with a "K,"
``And "kangaroo" with "C"!
`I will not paint these harrowing scenes,
``Nor keep thee, reader, long,
`Nor tell thee how I shocked the "Bee"
``By breaking forth in song.=
[Illustration: 180]
`Two orthographic youths arose,
``And dragged me from the room,
`Despite my wild and aimless blows,
``Into the outer gloom.=
[Illustration: 181]
`With force, and tender soothing tones
``They led me from the hall,
`And laid me on the cold, cold stones
``Beneath the bare brick wall.=
`They spread for me no blanket warm.
``No cloak or 'possum-rug,
`And peelers bore my helpless form
``In triumph to the "Jug."=