[Illustration]
_Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism, in some cases, acts as a
Quickener to Inventive Genius_
The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a very
considerable amount of exertion and fatigue, was not proof against such
a combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable night,
recorded in the last chapter. The process of being washed in the night
air, and rough-dried in a closet, is as dangerous as it is peculiar.
Mr. Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism.
But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus impaired,
his mental energies retained their pristine vigour. His spirits were
elastic; his good humour was restored. Even the vexation consequent
upon his recent adventure had vanished from his mind; and he could join
in the hearty laughter which any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle,
without anger and without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two days
Mr. Pickwick was confined to his bed, Sam was his constant attendant.
On the first, he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote and
conversation; on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his writing-desk,
and pen and ink, and was deeply engaged during the whole day. On the
third, being able to sit up in his bed-chamber, he despatched his valet
with a message to Mr. Wardle and Mr. Trundle, intimating that if they
would take their wine there, that evening, they would greatly oblige
him. The invitation was most willingly accepted; and when they were
seated over their wine, Mr. Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced the
following little tale, as having been "edited" by himself, during his
recent indisposition, from his notes of Mr. Weller's unsophisticated
recital.
THE PARISH CLERK
A TALE OF TRUE LOVE
"Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerable
distance from London, there lived a little man named Nathaniel Pipkin,
who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a little
house in the little High Street, within ten minutes' walk of the
little church; and who was to be found every day from nine till four,
teaching a little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel Pipkin was
a harmless, inoffensive, good-natured being, with a turned-up nose,
and rather turned-in legs: a cast in his eye, and a halt in his gait;
and he divided his time between the church and his school, verily
believing that there existed not, on the face of the earth, so clever a
man as the curate, so imposing an apartment as the vestry-room, or so
well-ordered a seminary as his own. Once, and only once, in his life,
Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a bishop--a real bishop, with his arms in
lawn sleeves, and his head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heard
him talk, at a confirmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel
Pipkin was so overcome with reverence and awe, when the aforesaid
bishop laid his hand on his head, that he fainted right clean away, and
was borne out of church in the arms of the beadle.
"This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel Pipkin's life,
and it was the only one that had ever occurred to ruffle the smooth
current of his quiet existence, when happening one fine afternoon,
in a fit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes from the slate on
which he was devising some tremendous problem in compound addition for
an offending urchin to solve, they suddenly rested on the blooming
countenance of Maria Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the great
saddler over the way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on the
pretty face of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church and
elsewhere; but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright,
the cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as upon this
particular occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin was unable
to take his eyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs; no wonder that
Miss Lobbs, finding herself stared at by a young man, withdrew her
head from the window out of which she had been peeping, and shut the
casement and pulled down the blind; no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin,
immediately thereafter, fell upon the young urchin who had previously
offended, and cuffed and knocked him about, to his heart's content. All
this was very natural, and there's nothing at all to wonder at about it.
"It _is_ matter of wonder, though, that any one of Mr. Nathaniel
Pipkin's retiring disposition, nervous temperament, and most
particularly diminutive income, should from this day forth, have
dared to aspire to the hand and heart of the only daughter of the
fiery old Lobbs--of old Lobbs the great saddler, who could have
bought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen, and never felt
the outlay--old Lobbs, who was well known to have heaps of money,
invested in the bank at the nearest market town--old Lobbs, who was
reported to have countless and inexhaustible treasures, hoarded up in
the little iron safe with the big key-hole, over the chimney-piece
in the back parlour--old Lobbs, who, it was well known, on festive
occasions garnished his board with a real silver tea-pot, cream-ewer,
and sugar-basin, which he was wont, in the pride of his heart, to boast
should be his daughter's property when she found a man to her mind. I
repeat it, to be matter of profound astonishment and intense wonder,
that Nathaniel Pipkin should have had the temerity to cast his eyes
in this direction. But love is blind: and Nathaniel had a cast in his
eye: and perhaps these two circumstances, taken together, prevented his
seeing the matter in its proper light.
"Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant idea of
the state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would just have
razed the school-room to the ground, or exterminated its master from
the surface of the earth, or committed some other outrage and atrocity
of an equally ferocious and violent description; for he was a terrible
old fellow, was Lobbs, when his pride was injured, or his blood was
up. Swear! Such trains of oaths would come rolling and pealing over
the way, sometimes, when he was denouncing the idleness of the bony
apprentice with the thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his
shoes with horror, and the hair of the pupils' heads would stand on end
with fright.
"Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils gone, did
Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window, and while he
feigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances over the way in
search of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he hadn't sat there many
days, before the bright eyes appeared at an upper window, apparently
deeply engaged in reading too. This was delightful, and gladdening
to the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. It was something to sit there for
hours together, and look upon that pretty face when the eyes were cast
down; but when Maria Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, and
dart their rays in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight and
admiration were perfectly boundless. At last, one day, when he knew
old Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand
to Maria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, instead of shutting the window, and
pulling down the blind, kissed _hers_ to him, and smiled. Upon which,
Nathaniel Pipkin determined that, come what might, he would develop the
state of his feelings, without further delay.
"A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a smarter
form, never bounded so lightly over the earth they graced, as did
those of Maria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. There was a roguish
twinkle in her sparkling eyes, that would have made its way to far less
susceptible bosoms than that of Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was such
a joyous sound in her merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope must
have smiled to hear it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height of
his ferocity, couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; and
when she, and her cousin Kate--an arch, impudent-looking, bewitching
little person--made a dead set upon the old man together, as, to say
the truth, they very often did, he could have refused them nothing,
even had they asked for a portion of the countless and inexhaustible
treasures which were hidden from the light in the iron safe.
"Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw this
enticing little couple some hundred yards before him one summer's
evening, in the very field in which he had many a time strolled about
till night-time, and pondered on the beauty of Maria Lobbs. But though
he had often thought then, how briskly he would walk up to Maria
Lobbs and tell her of his passion if he could only meet her, he felt,
now that she was unexpectedly before him, all the blood in his body
mounting to his face, manifestly to the great detriment of his legs,
which, deprived of their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When they
stopped to gather a hedge-flower, or listen to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkin
stopped too, and pretended to be absorbed in meditation, as indeed he
really was; for he was thinking what on earth he should ever do, when
they turned back, as they inevitably must in time, and meet him face
to face. But though he was afraid to make up to them, he couldn't bear
to lose sight of them; so when they walked faster he walked faster,
when they lingered he lingered, and when they stopped he stopped; and
so they might have gone on, until the darkness prevented them, if
Kate had not looked slyly back, and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel
to advance. There was something in Kate's manner that was not to be
resisted, and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation; and
after a great deal of blushing on his part, and immoderate laughter on
that of the wicked little cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin went down on his
knees on the dewy grass, and declared his resolution to remain there
for ever, unless he were permitted to rise the accepted lover of Maria
Lobbs. Upon this, the merry laughter of Maria Lobbs rang through the
calm evening air--without seeming to disturb it, though; it had such a
pleasant sound--and the wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately
than before, and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever. At length,
Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the love-worn little man,
turned away her head, and whispered her cousin to say, or at all events
Kate _did_ say, that she felt much honoured by Mr. Pipkin's addresses;
that her hand and heart were at her father's disposal; but that nobody
could be insensible to Mr. Pipkin's merits. As all this was said with
much gravity, and as Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria Lobbs,
and struggled for a kiss at parting, he went to bed a happy man, and
dreamed all night long, of softening old Lobbs, opening the strong box,
and marrying Maria.
"The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon his old
grey pony, and after a great many signs at the window from the wicked
little cousin, the object and meaning of which he could by no means
understand, the bony apprentice with the thin legs came over to say
that his master wasn't coming home all night, and that the ladies
expected Mr. Pipkin to tea, at six o'clock precisely. How the lessons
were got through that day, neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils
knew any more than you do; but they were got through somehow, and,
after the boys had gone, Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock to
dress himself to his satisfaction. Not that it took long to select the
garments he should wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter;
but the putting of them on to the best advantage, and the touching
of them up previously, was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty or
importance.
"There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs and her
cousin Kate, and three or four romping, good-humoured, rosy-cheeked
girls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of the fact, that
the rumours of old Lobbs's treasures were not exaggerated. There were
the real solid silver tea-pot, cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, on the
table, and real silver spoons to stir the tea with, and real china
cups to drink it out of, and plates of the same, to hold the cakes and
toast in. The only eyesore in the whole place was another cousin of
Maria Lobbs's, and a brother of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called 'Henry,'
and who seemed to keep Maria Lobbs all to himself, up in one corner
of the table. It's a delightful thing to see affection in families,
but it may be carried rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could not
help thinking that Maria Lobbs must be very particularly fond of her
relations, if she paid as much attention to all of them as to this
individual cousin. After tea, too, when the wicked little cousin
proposed a game at blindman's buff, it somehow or other happened that
Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind, and whenever he laid his
hand upon the male cousin, he was sure to find that Maria Lobbs was
not far off. And though the wicked little cousin and the other girls
pinched him, and pulled his hair, and pushed chairs in his way, and
all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs never seemed to come near him at all;
and once--once--Nathaniel Pipkin could have sworn he heard the sound
of a kiss, followed by a faint remonstrance from Maria Lobbs, and a
half-suppressed laugh from her female friends. All this was odd--very
odd--and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might or might not
have done, in consequence, if his thoughts had not been suddenly
directed into a new channel.
"The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new channel was
a loud knocking at the street door, and the person who made this loud
knocking at the street door, was no other than old Lobbs himself, who
had unexpectedly returned, and was hammering away like a coffin-maker;
for he wanted his supper. The alarming intelligence was no sooner
communicated by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than the
girls tripped upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bed-room, and the male cousin
and Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the
sitting-room, for want of any better places of concealment; and when
Maria Lobbs and the wicked little cousin had stowed them away, and put
the room to rights, they opened the street door to old Lobbs, who had
never left off knocking since he first began.
"Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs, being very hungry, was
monstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him growling away like an
old mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever the unfortunate apprentice
with the thin legs came into the room, so surely did old Lobbs commence
swearing at him in a most Saracenic and ferocious manner, though
apparently with no other end or object than that of easing his bosom
by the discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper,
which had been warming up, was placed on the table, and then old Lobbs
fell to, in regular style; and having made clear work of it in no time,
kissed his daughter, and demanded his pipe.
"Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very close
juxtaposition, but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe, they
knocked together, as if they were going to reduce each other to powder;
for, depending from a couple of hooks, in the very closet in which he
stood, was a large brown-stemmed, silver-bowled pipe, which pipe he
himself had seen in the mouth of old Lobbs, regularly every afternoon
and evening, for the last five years. The two girls went downstairs
for the pipe, and upstairs for the pipe, and everywhere but where they
knew the pipe was, and old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile, in the most
wonderful manner. At last he thought of the closet, and walked up to
it. It was of no use a little man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the
door inwards, when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was pulling
it outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and open it flew, disclosing
Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside, and shaking with
apprehension from head to foot. Bless us! what an appalling look old
Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the collar, and held him at
arm's length.
[Illustration: "_Open it flew, disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin_"]
"'Why, what the devil do you want here?' said old Lobbs, in a fearful
voice.
"Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook him backwards
and forwards, for two or three minutes, by way of arranging his ideas
for him.
"'What do you want here?' roared Lobbs. 'I suppose _you_ have come
after my daughter, now?'
"Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe that
mortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so far. What was
his indignation when that poor man replied:
"'Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs. I did come after your daughter. I love her,
Mr. Lobbs.'
"'Why, you snivelling, wry-faced, puny villain,' gasped old Lobbs,
paralysed by the atrocious confession; 'what do you mean by that? Say
this to my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!'
"It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have carried this
threat into execution, in the excess of his rage, if his arm had not
been stayed by a very unexpected apparition, to wit, the male cousin,
who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up to old Lobbs, said:
"'I cannot allow this harmless person, sir, who has been asked here,
in some girlish frolic, to take upon himself, in a very noble manner,
the fault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am ready to avow.
_I_ love your daughter, sir; and _I_ am here for the purpose of meeting
her.'
"Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider than
Nathaniel Pipkin.
"'You did?' said Lobbs: at last finding breath to speak.
"'I did.'
"'And I forbade you this house, long ago.'
"'You did, or I should not have been here, clandestinely, to-night.'
"I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would have struck
the cousin, if his pretty daughter, with her bright eyes swimming in
tears, had not clung to his arm.
"'Don't stop him, Maria,' said the young man: 'if he has the will to
strike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair of his grey head, for the
riches of the world.'
"The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met those of
his daughter. I have hinted once or twice before, that they were very
bright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, their influence was by
no means lessened. Old Lobbs turned his head away, as if to avoid being
persuaded by them, when, as fortune would have it, he encountered the
face of the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother,
and half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an
expression of countenance, with a touch of shyness in it too, as any
man, old or young, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly through
the old man's, and whispered something in his ear; and do what he
would, old Lobbs couldn't help breaking out into a smile, while a tear
stole down his cheek at the same time.
"Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from the bed-room
with a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while the young
people were making themselves perfectly happy, old Lobbs got down
the pipe, and smoked it: and it was a remarkable circumstance about
that particular pipe of tobacco, that it was the most soothing and
delightful one he ever smoked.
"Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and by so
doing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs, who taught him
to smoke in time; and they used to sit out in the garden on the fine
evenings, for many years afterwards, smoking and drinking in great
state. He soon recovered the effects of his attachment, for we find
his name in the parish register, as a witness to the marriage of
Maria Lobbs to her cousin; and it also appears, by reference to other
documents, that on the night of the wedding he was incarcerated in the
village cage, for having, in a state of extreme intoxication, committed
sundry excesses in the streets, in all of which he was aided and
abetted by the bony apprentice with the thin legs."