No. X.--THE BEHRING-SEA ARBITRATION.
(_Scene and Persons as usual._ _The Conversation has already begun._)
_First Well-informed Man_ (_concluding a tirade_). ---- so what I want
to know is this: are we or are we not to submit to the Yankees? It's
all very well talking about Chicago Exhibitions and all that, but if
they're going to capture our ships and prevent us killing seals, why,
the sooner we tell 'em to go to blue blazes the better. And as for its
being a _mare clausum_----
[Illustration]
_Inquirer_ (_interrupting_). Who was she? What's she got to do with
it?
_First W. I. M._ (_laughing vigorously_). Ha! ha! that's a good 'un.
_Inquirer_ (_nettled_). Oh, laugh away, laugh away. That's you all
over.
_First W. I. M._ My dear chap, I'm very sorry, but I really couldn't
help it. There's no woman in the business at all. _Mare clausum_
merely means the place where they catch the seals, you know; _mare_,
Latin for sea.
_Inquirer._ Oh! I should have known that directly, if you'd only
pronounced it properly. But what does _clausum_ mean?
_First W. I. M._ Well, of course, that means--well, a clause, don't
you know. It's in the treaty.
_Average Man_ (_looking up from his paper_). It used to be the Latin
for "closed," but I suppose it's altered now.
_First W. I. M._ (_incredulously_). It can't mean that, anyhow. Who
ever heard of a closed sea, I should like to know?
_Second W. I. M._ (_hazarding a suggestion_). It _might_ mean a
harbour, you know, or something of that sort.
_Average Man._ I daresay it _might_ mean that, but it doesn't happen
to be a harbour (_relapses into paper_).
_Second W. I. M._ Oh, well, I only made the suggestion.
[_A pause._
_Inquirer._ But what are they arbitrating about in Paris? It says
(_reading from newspaper_) "When Mr. CARTER, the United States
Counsel, had concluded his speech, he was complimented by the
President, the Baron DE COURCEL, who told him he had spoken on
behalf of humanity." I thought old CARNOT was President of the French
Republic.
_First W. I. M._ So he is.
_Inquirer_. But this paper says Baron DE COURCEL is President.
_Second W. I. M._ Oh, I suppose that's one of CARNOT's titles, All
these blessed foreigners are Barons, or something of that sort.
_Inquirer._ Ah, I suppose that must be it. But what have the French
got to do with the Behring Sea? I thought it was all between us and
the Yankees.
_First W. I. M._ So it is--but the French are arbitrating. That's how
they come into the business. I can't say, personally, I like these
arbitrations. We're always arbitrating now, and giving everything
away. If we think we're right, why can't we say so, and stick to it,
and let the French, and the Yankees, and the Russians, and all the
rest of 'em, take it from us, if they can?
_Second W. I. M._ Take what from us?
_First W. I. M._ Why, whatever it happens to be, the Behring Sea, or
anything else. We're so deuced afraid of everybody now, we never
show fight; it's perfectly sickening. But of course you can't expect
anything else from old GLADSTONE.
_Second W. I. M._ That's right--shove it all on to old GLADSTONE.
But you're wrong this time. It was JO CHAMBERLAIN, one of your
own blessed Unionists, that you're so proud of, who arranged this
arbitration.
_First W. I. M._ I know that, my dear boy; but CHAMBERLAIN was a
Radical then; so where are you now?
[_A pause._
_Inquirer_ (_who has continued his reading, suddenly, with a puzzled
air_). I say, you know, this is too much of a good thing, bringing
the Russians into the business. It says--(_reads_)--"documents were
submitted, on behalf of the United States, to prove that Russia had
never abandoned her sovereign rights in the manner suggested by Great
Britain." How, on earth, does Russia manage to crop up everywhere? And
where is this confounded Behring Sea?
_Second W. I. M._ (_vaguely_). It's somewhere in America, or
Newfoundland, or thereabouts.
_Inquirer._ But how about Russia?
_Second W. I. M._ Oh, Russia shoves her oar in whenever we get into a
difficulty of any kind anywhere.
_Inquirer_ (_persisting_). Yes--but how can she have any "sovereign
rights" in America?
_Second W. I. M._ (_haughtily, but evasively_). My dear fellow, if
you had followed the thing properly, you wouldn't ask the question.
There's no time now to explain it all to you, as it's very
complicated, and goes back a long way. But you may take it from me
that Russia has got certain rights, and that she means to make things
as disagreeable for us as she can.
[_A pause._
_Inquirer._ It's rather a rum start, isn't it? sending out Sir
CHARLES RUSSELL and Sir RICHARD WEBSTER. They're on opposite sides of
politics.
_First W. I. M._ That's just why they send 'em. RUSSELL has got to put
the Liberal view, and WEBSTER the Conservative.
_Inquirer._ Of course, of course; I never thought of that. By the way,
have you ever seen a seal?
_First W. I. M._ They've got one at the Zoo. Catches fish, and kisses
the keeper, and all that sort of game.
_Inquirer._ What, that big beast that looks as if it was made of
india-rubber, with long whiskers and a sort of fish-tail?
_First W. I. M._ That's it.
_Inquirer_ (_with profound disgust_). Well, I _am_ blessed! Is _that_
all they're jawing about?
[_Terminus._
* * * * *