(_CHRIST'S WAY OF SHOWING HIMSELF THE BEST--WHAT FITS FOR
HIM--YEARNING AFTER HIM INSATIABLY--DOMESTIC MATTERS._)
MADAM,--Grace, mercy, and peace be to you.--I am much refreshed with
your letter, now at length come to me. I find my Lord Jesus cometh not
in that precise way that I lay wait for Him; He hath a gate of His
own. Oh, how high are His ways above my ways! I see but little of Him.
It is best not to offer to learn Him a lesson, but to give Him
absolutely His own will, in coming, going, ebbing, flowing, and in the
manner of His gracious working. I want nothing but a back-burden of
Christ's love. I would go through hell, and the thick of the damned
devils, to have a hearty feast of Christ's love; for He hath fettered
me with His love, and run away, and left me a chained man.
Wo is me, that I was so loose, rash, vain, and graceless, in my
unbelieving thoughts of Christ's love! But what can a soul, under a
non-entry (when my rights were wadset and lost), do else, but make a
false libel against Christ's love! I know that yourself, Madam, and
many more, will be witness against me, if I repent not of my
unbelief; for I have been seeking the Pope's wares, some hire for
Grace within myself. I have not learned, as I should do, to put my
stock and all my treasure into Christ's hand; but I would have a stock
of mine own; and ere I was aware, I was taking hire to be the Law's
advocate, to seek justification by works. I forgot that grace is the
only garland that is worn in heaven upon the heads of the glorified.
And now I half rejoice, that I have sickness for Christ to work upon.
Since I must have wounds, well is my soul, I have a day's work for my
Physician, Christ. I hope to give Christ His own calling: it setteth
Him full well to cure diseases.
My ebbings are very low, and the tide is far out when my Beloved goeth
away; and then I cry, "Oh, cruelty! to put out the poor man's one
eye;" and this was my joy next to Christ, to preach my Well-beloved.
Then I make a noise about Christ's house, looking unco-like in at His
window, and casting my love and my desires over the wall, till God
send better. I am often content that my bill lie in heaven till the
day of my departure, providing I had assurance that mercy shall be
written on the back of it. I would not care for on-waiting; but when I
draw in a tired arm, and an empty hand withal, it is much to me to
keep my thoughts in order. But I will not get a gate[334] for Christ's
love. When I have done all I can, I would fain yield to His stream,
and row with Christ, and not against Him. But while I live, I see that
Christ's kingdom in me will not be peaceable, so many thoughts in me
rise up against His honour and kingly power. Surely I have not
expressed all His sweet kindness to me. I spare to do it, lest I be
deemed to seek myself; but His breath hath smelled of the powders of
the merchant, and of the King's spikenard. I think that I conceive new
thoughts of heaven, because the card and the map of heaven which He
letteth me now see is so fair and so sweet. I am sure that we are
niggards, and sparing bodies in seeking. I verily judge that we know
not how much may be had in this life; there is yet something beyond
all that we see, that seeking would light upon. Oh that my
love-sickness would put me to a business, when all the world are found
sleeping, to cry and knock! But the truth is, that since I came hither
I have been wondering that, after my importunity to have my fill of
Christ's love, I have not gotten a real sign, but have come from Him
crying, "Hunger! hunger!" I think that Christ letteth me see meat in
my extremity of hunger, and giveth me none of it. When I am near the
apple, He draweth back His hand, and goeth away to cause me follow;
and again, when I am within an arm-length of the apple, He maketh a
new break to the gate,[335] and I have Him to seek of new. He seemeth
not to pity my dwining and swooning for His love. I dare sometimes put
my hunger over to Him to be judged, if I would not buy Him with a
thousand years in the hottest furnace in hell, so being I might enjoy
Him. But my hunger is fed by want and absence. I hunger and I have
not; but my comfort is to lie and wait on, and to put my poor soul and
my sufferings into Christ's hand. Let Him make anything out of me, so
being He be glorified in my salvation; for I know that I am made for
Him. Oh that my Lord may win His own gracious end in me! I will not be
at ease, while I but stand so far aback. Oh, if I were near Him and
with Him, that this poor soul might be satisfied with Himself!
[334] Fix the way in which He is to show His love. Perhaps we should
read "set" for "get."
[335] Rushes off again toward the road.
Your son-in-law, W. G., is now truly honoured for his Lord and
Master's cause. When the Lord is fanning Zion, it is a good token that
he is a true branch of the vine, that the Lord beginneth first to
dress him. He is strong in his Lord, as he hath written to me, and his
wife is his encourager, which should make you rejoice.
As for your son, who is your grief, your Lord waited on you and me,
till we were ripe, and brought us in. It is your part to pray and wait
upon Him. When he is ripe, he will be spoken for. Who can command our
Lord's wind to blow? I know that it shall be your good in the latter
end. That is one of your waters to heaven, ye could not go about;[336]
there are the fewer behind. I remember you and him, and yours, as I am
able; but, alas! I am believed to be something, and I am nothing but
an empty reed. Wants are my best riches, because I have these supplied
by Christ.
[336] One of the rivers which you could not avoid crossing.
Remember my dearest love to your brother.[337] I know that he pleadeth
with his harlot-mother for her apostasy. I know also that ye are kind
to my worthy Lady Kenmure, a woman beloved of the Lord, who hath been
very mindful of my bonds. The Lord give her, and her child, to find
mercy in the day of Christ! Great men are dry and cold in doing for
me; the tinkling of the chains for Christ affrighteth them: but let my
Lord break all my idols, I will yet bless Him. I am obliged to my Lord
Lorn: I wish him mercy.
[337] James Melville of Hallhill, who succeeded his father, Sir James
Melville. By a charter of the barony of Burntisland, granted to him
16th January 1638, he became Sir James Melville of Burntisland
(Douglas' "Peerage," vol. ii. p. 112).
Remember my bonds with praises; and pray for me, that my Lord may
leaven the north by my bonds and sufferings.
Grace be with you.
Yours, in his sweet Lord Jesus,