(_DESPONDING VIEWS OF HIS OWN STATE--MINISTERIAL DILIGENCE--CHRIST'S
WORTH--SELF-SEEKING._)
REVEREND AND DEAR BROTHER,--Grace, mercy and peace be to you. My
longings and desires for a sight of the new-builded tabernacle of
Christ again in Scotland, that tabernacle that came down from heaven,
hath now taken some life again, when I see Christ making a mint to sow
vengeance among His enemies. I care not, if this land be ripe for such
a great, wonderful mercy; but I know He must do it, whenever it is
done, without hire. I find the grief of my silence, and my fear to be
holden at the door of Christ's house, swelling upon me; and the truth
is, were it not that I am dawted now and then with pieces of Christ's
sweet love and comforts, I fear I should have made an ill browst of
this honourable cross, that I know such a soft and silly-minded body
as I am is not worthy of. For I have little in me but softness, and
superlative and excessive apprehensions of fear, and sadness, and
sorrow; and often God's terrors do surround me, because Christ looketh
not so favourably upon me as a poor witness would have Him. And I
wonder how I have past a year and a quarter's imprisonment without
shaming my sweet Lord, to whom I desire to be faithful; and I think I
shall die but even[304] minting and aiming to serve and honour my Lord
Jesus. Few know how toom and empty I am at home; but it is a part of
marriage-love and husband-love, that my Lord Jesus goeth not to the
streets with His chiding against me. It is but stolen and concealed
anger that I find and feel, and His glooms to me are kept under roof,
that He will not have mine enemies hear what is betwixt me and Him.
And, believe me, I say the truth in Christ, that the only gall and
wormwood in my cup, and that which hath filled me with fear, hath
been, lest my sins, that sun and moon and the Lord's children were
never witness to, should have moved my Lord to strike me with dumb
Sabbaths. Lord, pardon my soft and weak jealousies, if I be here in an
error.
[304] Only just attempting.
My very dear brother, I would have looked for larger and more
particular letters from you, for my comfort in this; for your words
before have strengthened me. I pray you to mend this; and be thankful
and painful, while ye have a piece or corner of the Lord's vineyard to
dress. Oh, would to God that I could have leave to follow you, to
break the clods! But I wish I could command my soul to be silent, and
to wait upon the Lord. I am sure that while Christ lives, I am well
enough friend-stead. I hope that He will extend His kindness and power
for me; but God be thanked it is not worse with me than a cross for
Christ and His truth. I know that He might have pitched upon many more
choice and worthy witnesses, if He had pleased; but I seek no more (be
what timber I will, suppose I were made of a piece of hell) than that
my Lord, in His infinite art, hew glory to His name, and enlargement
to Christ's kingdom, out of me. Oh that I could attain to this, to
desire that my part of Christ might be laid in pledge for the
heightening of Christ's throne in Britain! Let my Lord redeem the
pledge; or, if He please, let it sink and drown unredeemed. But what
can I add to Him? or what way can a smothered and borne-down prisoner
set out Christ in open market, as a lovely and desirable Lord to many
souls? I know that He seeth to His own glory better than my ebb
thoughts can dream of; and that the wheels and paces of this poor
distempered kirk are in His hands; and that things shall roll as
Christ will have them:--only, Lord, tryst the matter so, as Christ may
be made a householder and lord again in Scotland, and wet faces for
His departure may be dried at His sweet and much-desired welcome-home!
I see that, in all our trials, our Lord will not mix our wares and His
grace overhead through other; but He will have each man to know his
own, that the like of me may say in my sufferings, "This is Christ's
grace, and this is but my coarse stuff: This is free grace, and this
is but nature and reason." We know what our legs would play us, if
they should carry us through all our waters. And the least thing our
Lord can have of us, is to know we are grace's dyvours, and that
nature is of a base house and blood, and grace is better born, and of
kin and blood to Christ, and of a better house. Oh that I were free of
that idol which they call _myself_; and that _Christ_ were for
_myself_; and _myself_ a decourted cypher, and a denied and forsworn
thing! But that proud thing, _myself_, will not play, except it ride
up side for side with Christ, or rather have place before Him. O
_myself_ (another devil, as evil as the prince of devils!), if thou
couldst give Christ the way, and take thine own room, which is to sit
as low as nothing or corruption! Oh, but we have much need to be
ransomed and redeemed by Christ from that master-tyrant, that cruel
and lawless lord, _ourself_. Nay, when I am seeking Christ, and am out
of myself, I have the third part of a squint eye upon that vain, vain
thing, _myself, myself_, and something of mine own. But I must hold
here.
I desire you to contribute your help, to see if I can be restored to
my wasted and lost flock. I see not how it can be, except the lords
would procure me a liberty to preach; and they have reason. 1. Because
the opposers and my adversaries have practised their new canons upon
me, whereof one is, that no deprived minister preach, under the pain
of excommunication. 2. Because my opposing of these canons was a
special thing that incensed Sydserff against me.[305] 3. Because I was
judicially accused for my book against the Arminians, and commanded by
the Chancellor to acknowledge that I had done a fault in writing
against Dr. Jackson, a wicked Arminian.[306] Pray for a room in the
house to me.
Grace, grace be (as it is) your portion.
Yours, in his sweet Lord Jesus,