4. Not to grudge, howbeit ye come from prayer without sense of joy.
Down-casting, sense of guiltiness, and hunger, are often best for us.
5. That the Lord's-day, from morning to night, be spent always either
in private or public worship.
6. That words be observed, wandering and idle thoughts be avoided,
sudden anger and desire of revenge, even of such as persecute the
truth, be guarded against; for we often mix our zeal with our
wild-fire.
7. That known, discovered, and revealed sins, that are against the
conscience, be eschewed, as most dangerous preparatives to hardness of
heart.
8. That in dealing with men, faith and truth in covenants and
trafficking be regarded, that we deal with all men in sincerity; that
conscience be made of idle and lying words; and that our carriage be
such, as that they who see it may speak honourably of our sweet Master
and profession.
9. I have been much challenged--1. For not referring all to God as the
last end; that I do not eat, drink, sleep, journey, speak, and think
for God. 2. That I have not benefited by good company; and that I left
not some word of conviction, even upon natural and wicked men, as by
reproving swearing in them; or because of being a silent witness to
their loose carriage; and because I intended not in all companies to
do good. 3. That the woes and calamities of the kirk, and of
particular professors, have not moved me. 4. That at the reading of
the life of David, Paul, and the like, when it humbled me, I (coming
so far short of their holiness) laboured not to imitate them, afar off
at least, according to the measure of God's grace. 5. That unrepented
sins of youth were not looked to, and lamented for. 6. That sudden
stirrings of pride, lust, revenge, love of honours, were not resisted
and mourned for. 7. That my charity was cold. 8. That the experiences
I had of God's hearing me, in this and the other particular, being
gathered, yet in a new trouble I had always (once at least) my faith
to seek, as if I were to begin at A, B, C again. 9. That I have not
more boldly contradicted the enemies speaking against the truth,
either in public church meetings, or at tables, or ordinary
conference. 10. That in great troubles I have received false reports
of Christ's love, and misbelieved Him in His chastening; whereas the
event hath said, "All was in mercy." 11. Nothing more moveth me, and
weighteth my soul, than that I could never from[244] my heart, in my
prosperity, so wrestle in prayer with God, nor be so dead to the
world, so hungry and sick of love for Christ, so heavenly-minded, as
when ten stone-weight of a heavy cross was upon me. 12. That the cross
extorted vows of new obedience, which ease hath blown away, as chaff
before the wind. 13. That practice was so short and narrow, and light
so long and broad. 14. That death hath not been often meditated upon.
15. That I have not been careful of gaining others to Christ. 16. That
my grace and gifts bring forth little or no thankfulness.
[244] Should probably be "_from_;" though it is "for" in other
editions.
There are some things, also, whereby I have been helped, as--1. I have
been benefited by riding alone a long journey, in giving that time to
prayer. 2. By abstinence, and giving days to God. 3. By praying for
others; for by making an errand to God for them, I have gotten
something for myself. 4. I have been really confirmed, in many
particulars, that God heareth prayers; and, therefore, I used to pray
for anything, of how little importance soever. 5. He enabled me to
make no question, that this mocked way, which is nicknamed, is the
only way to heaven.
Sir, these and many more occurrences in your life, should be looked
into; and, 1. Thoughts of Atheism should be watched over, as, "If
there be a God in heaven?" which will trouble and assault the best at
some times. 2. Growth in grace should be cared for above all things;
and falling from our first love mourned for. 3. Conscience made of
praying for the enemies, who are blinded.
Sir, I thank you most kindly for the care of my brother, and of me
also. I hope it is laid up for you, and remembered in heaven.
I am still ashamed with Christ's kindness to such a sinner as I am. He
hath left a fire in my heart, that hell cannot cast water on, to
quench or extinguish it. Help me to praise, and pray for me, for ye
have a prisoner's blessing and prayers.
Remember my love to your wife. Grace be with you.
Yours in Christ Jesus,