THE HOUR OF DAWN.
Slowly light came, the thinnest dawn,
Not sunshine, to my night;
A new, more spiritual thing,
An advent of pure light.
All grief has its limits, all chastenings their pause;
Thy love and our weakness are sorrow's two laws.
The winter that followed seemed very long and uneventful. After Sister
Madeline went away, my days settled themselves into the routine in which
they continued to revolve for many months. I was as lonely as formerly,
save for the companionship of well-chosen books, and for the direction
of another mind, which I felt to be the truest support and guidance. I
was taught to bend to my uncle's wishes, and to give up constant
church-going, and visiting among the poor, which would have been such a
resource and occupation to me. And so my life, outwardly, was very
little changed from former years--years that I had found almost
insupportable, without any sorrow; and yet, strange to say, I was
not unhappy.
My hours were full of little duties, little rules. (I suppose my heart
was in them, or I should have found them irksome.) Above all, I was not
permitted to brood over the past: I was taught to feel that every
thought of it indulged, was a sin, and to be accounted for as such: I
could only remember the one for whom I mourned, on my knees, in my
prayers. This checked, as nothing else could have done, the morbid
tendency of grief, in a lonely, unoccupied, undisciplined mind. I was
thoroughly obedient, and bent myself with all simplicity to follow the
instructions given me. Sometimes they seemed very irrelevant and
useless, but I never rebelled against any, even one that seemed as hard
to flesh and blood as this. And I have, sooner or later, seen the wisdom
of them all, as I have worked out the problem of my correction.
Obedient as I was, though, and simple as the routine of my life
continued, sometimes there came crises that were beyond my strength.
I can remember one; it was a furious storm--a day that nailed one in the
house. There was something in the rage without that disturbed me; I
wandered about the house, and found myself unable to settle to any task.
Some one to speak to! Oh, it was so dreary to be alone. I went into my
uncle's room where there were many books. Among those that were there I
found one in French, (I have no idea how it came there, I am sure my
uncle had never read it.) I carelessly turned it over, and finally
became absorbed in it. I came upon this passage:
Quel plus noir abîme d'angoisse y a-t-il an monde que le
coeur d'un suicide? Quand le malheur d'un homme est dû à
quelque circonstance de sa vie, on pent espérer de l'en voir
délivrer par un changement qui pent survenir dans sa
position. Mais lorsque ce malheur a sa source en lui; quand
c'est l'âme elle-même qui est le tourment de l'âme; la vie
elle-même qui est le fardeau de la vie; que faire, que de
reconnaître en gémissant qu'il n'y a rien à faire--rien,
selon le monde; et qu'un tel homme, plus à plaindre que ce
prisonnier que l'histoire nous peint dans les angoisses de la
faim, se repaissant de sa propre chair, est réduit à dévorer
la substance même de son âme dans les horreurs de son
désespoir. Et qu'imagine-t-il done pour échapper à lui-même,
comme à son plus cruel ennemi? Je ne dis pas: 'Où ira-t-il
loin de l'esprit de Dieu? où fuira-t-il loin de sa face?' Je
demande, où ira-t-il loin de son propre esprit? où fuira-t-il
loin de sa propre face? Où descendra-t-il qu'il ne s'y suive
lui-même; où se cachera-t-il qu'il ne s'y trouve encore?
Insensé, dont la folie égale la misère, quand tu te seras
tué, on dira: 'Il est mort;' mais ce sont les autres qui le
diront; ce ne sera pas toi-même. Tu seras mort pour ton
pays, mort pour ta ville, mort pour ta famille; mais pour
toi-même, pour ce qui pense en toi, hélas! pour ce qui
souffre en toi, tu vivras toujours.
Et comment ne sens-tu pas, que pour cesser d'être malheureux,
ce n'est pas ta place qu'il faut changer, c'est ton coeur.
Que tu disparaisses sous les flots, qu'un plomb meurtrier
brise ta tête, ou qu'un poison subtil glace tes veines; quoi
que tu fasses, et où que tu ailles, tu n'y peux aller qu'avec
toi-même, qu'avec ton coeur, qu'avec ta misère! Que dis-je?
Tu y vas avec un compte de plus à rendre, à la rencontre du
grand Dieu qui doit te juger; tu y vas avec l'éternité de
plus pour souffrir, et le temps de moins pour te repentir!
A moins que tu ne penses peut-être, parceque l'oeil de
l'homme n'a rien vu au-delà de la tombe, que cette vie n'ait
pas de suite. Mais non, tu ne saurais le croire! Quand tous
les autres le penseraient, toi, tu ne le pourrais pas. Tu as
une preuve d'immortalité qui t'appartient en propre. Cette
tristesse qui te consume, est quelque chose de trop intime et
de trop profond pour se dissoudre avec tes organes, et ce qui
est capable de tant souffrir ne pent pas s'aller perdre dans
la terre. Les vers hériteront de la poussière de ton corps,
mais l'amertume de ton âme, qui en héritera? Ces extases
sublimes, ces tourments affreux; ces hauteurs des cieux, ces
profondeurs des abîmes; qu'y a-t-il d'assez grand ou d'assez
abaissé, d'assez élevé ou d'assez avili pour les revêtir en
ta place? Non, tu ne saurais jamais croire que tout meurt
avec le corps; ou si tu le pouvais tu n'en serais que plus
insensé, plus misérable encore.
It is proof how child-like I had been, how obedient in suppressing all
forbidden thoughts, that these words smote me with such horror. I had
indulged in no speculation; I had never thought of him as haunted by the
self he fled; as still bound to an inexorable and inextinguishable life,
"With time and hope behind him cast,
And all his work to do with palsied hands and cold."
The terrors I had had, had been vague. I had thought dimly of
punishment, more keenly of separation. If I had analysed my thoughts, I
suppose I should have found annihilation to have been my belief--death
forever, loss eternal. But this--if this were truth--(and it smote me as
the truth alone can smite), oh, it was maddening. To my knees! To my
knees! Oh, that I might live long years to pray for him! Oh, that I
might stretch out my hands to God for him, withered with age and shrunk
with fasting, and strong but in faith and final perseverance! Oh, it
could not be too late! What was prayer made for, but for a time like
this? What was this little breath of time, compared with the Eternal
Years, that we should only speak _now_ for each other to our merciful
God, and never speak for each other afterward? Spirits are forever; and
is prayer only for the days of the body?
It was well for me that none of the doubts that are so often expressed
had found any lodgment in my brain; if I had not believed that I had a
right to pray for him, and that my prayers might help him, I cannot
understand how I could have lived through those nights and days
of thought.