I SHALL HAVE SEEN HIM.
Go on, go on:
Thou canst not speak too much; I have deserved
All tongues to talk their bitterest.
_Winter's Tale_.
Of course, the night was entirely sleepless after such, a day. I was
over-tired, and the coffee would have been fatal to rest in any case. I
tossed about restlessly till three o'clock, and then fell into a
heavy sleep.
The sun was shining into the room, and I heard the voices of people on
the lawn when I awoke. When I went down, after a hurried and nervous
half-hour of dressing, I found the morning, apparently, half gone, and
the breakfast-table cleared.
Mary Leighton, with a croquet mallet in her hand, was following Kilian
through the hall to get a drink of water. She made a great outcry at me
and my appearance.
"What a headache you must have," she cried. "But ah! think what you've
missed, dear! The tutor has been down at breakfast, or rather at the
breakfast-table, for he didn't eat a thing. He is a, little paler than
he was at dinner day before yesterday--and he's gone up-stairs; and
we've voted that we hope he'll stay there, for he depresses us just to
look at him."
And then, with an unmeaning laugh, she tripped on after Kilian to get
that drink of water, which was nothing but a ticket for a moment's
_tête-à-tête_ away from the croquet party. Richard had seen me by this
time, and came in and asked how I felt, and rang the bell in the
dining-room, and ordered my breakfast brought. He did not exactly stay
and watch it, but he came in and out of the dining-room enough times to
see that I had everything that was dainty and nice (and to see, alas!
that I could not eat it); for that piece of news from Mary Leighton had
levelled me with the ground again.
That I had missed seeing him was too cruel, and that he looked so ill;
how could I bear it?
After my breakfast was taken away, I went into the hall, and sat down on
the sofa between the parlor doors. Pretty soon the people came in from
the croquet ground, talking fiercely about a game in which Kilian and
Mary had been cheating. Charlotte Benson was quite angry, and Charley,
who had played with her, was enraged. I thought they were such, fools
to care, and Richard looked as if he thought they were all silly
children. The day was warm and close, such a contrast to the day before.
The sudden cold had broken down into a sultry August atmosphere. The
sun, which had been bright an hour ago, was becoming obscured, and the
sky was grayish. Every one felt languid. We were all sitting about the
hall, idly, when a servant brought a note. It was an invitation; that
roused them all--and for to-day. There was no time to lose.
The Lowders had sent to ask us all to a croquet party there at four
o'clock.
"What an hour!" cried Sophie, who was tired; "I should think they might
have let us get rested from the picnic."
But Charlotte and Henrietta were so much charmed at the prospect of
seeing so soon the Frenchman and the young devoted Lowder, that they
listened to no criticism on the hour or day.
"How nice!" they said, "we shall get there a little before five--play
for a couple of hours--then have tea on the lawn, perhaps--a little
dance, and home by moonlight." It was a ravishing prospect for their
unemployed imaginations, and they left no time in rendering
their answer.
For myself, I had taken a firm resolve. I would never repeat the misery
of yesterday; nothing should persuade me to go with them, but I would
manage it so that I should be free from every one, even Richard.
Croquet parties are great occasions for pretty costumes; all this was
talked over. What should I wear? Oh, my gray grenadine, with the violet
trimmings, and a gray hat with violet velvet and feather.
"You have everything so perfect for that suit," said Mary Leighton, in a
tone of envy. "Cravat and parasol and gloves of just the shade
of violet."
"And gray boots," I said. "It _is_ a pretty suit." No one but Sophie had
such expensive clothes as I, but I cannot say at that moment they made
me very happy. I was only thinking how improbable that the gray suit
would come out of the box that day, unless I should be obliged to dress
to mislead the others till the last.
The carriages (for we filled two), were to be at the door at four
o'clock punctually. The Lowders were five miles away: the whole thing
was so talked about and planned about, that when dinner was over, I felt
we had had a croquet party, and quite a long one at that.
Mr. Langenau did not come to dinner; Sophie sent a servant to his room
after we were at table, to ask him if he would come down, or have his
dinner sent to him; but the servant came back, saying he did not want
any dinner, with his compliments to Mrs. Hollenbeck.
"_À la bonne heure_" cried Kilian. "A skeleton always interferes with my
appetite at a feast."
"It is the only thing, then, that does, isn't it?" asked Charlotte, who
seemed to have a pick at him always.
"No, not the only thing. There is one other--just one other."
"And, for the sake of science, what is that?"
"A woman with a sharp tongue, Miss Charlotte.--Sophie, I don't think
much of these last soups. Your famous cook's degenerating, take
my word."
And so on, while Charlotte colored, and was silent through the meal. She
knew her tongue was sharp; she knew that she was self-willed and was not
humble. But she had not taken herself in hand, religiously; to take
one's self in hand morally, or on grounds of expediency, never amounts
to much; and such taking in hand was all that Charlotte had as yet
attempted. In a little passion of self-reproach and mortification, she
occasionally lopped off ugly shoots; but the root was still vigorous and
lusty, and only grew the better for its petty pruning. Richard looked
very much displeased at his brother's rudeness, and tried to make up
for it by great kindness and attention.
About this time I had become aware of what were Sophie's plans for
Richard. In case he must marry (to be cured of me), he was to marry
Charlotte, who was so capable, so sensible, of so good family, so much
indebted to Sophie, and so decidedly averse to living in the country.
Sophie saw herself still mistress here, with, to be sure, a shortened
income, and Richard and his wife spending a few weeks with her in the
summer. I do not know how far Charlotte entered into these plans.
Probably not at all, consciously; but I became aware that, as a little
girl, Richard had been her hero; and he did not seem to have been
displaced by any one entirely yet. But I took a very faint interest in
all this. I should have cared, probably, if I had seen Richard devoted
to her. He seemed to belong to me, and I should have resented any
interference with my rights. But I did not dread any. I knew, though I
took little pleasure in the knowledge, that he loved me with all his
good and manly heart; and it never seemed a possibility that he
could change.
The simple selfishness of young women in these matters is appalling.
Richard was mine by right of conquest, and I owed him no gratitude for
the service of his life. That other was the lord who had the right
inalienable over me. I bent myself in the dust before him. I would have
taken shame itself as an honor from his hands. I thought of him day and
night. I filled my soul with passionate admiration for his good deeds,
his ill deeds, his all. And the other was as the ground beneath my feet,
of which I seldom thought.
Richard met me at the foot of the stairs, after dinner, as I was going
up.
"Pauline, will you go in the carriage with Charlotte and Sophie? I am
going to drive."
"Oh, it doesn't make any difference," I answered, with confusion.
"Anywhere you choose."
I think he had misgivings about my going from that moment; to allay
which, I called out something about my costume to Sophie as I went up to
my room. The day was growing duller, and stiller, and grayer. I sat by
the window and watched the leaden river. It was like an afternoon in
September, before the chill of the autumn has come. Not a leaf moved
upon the trees, not a cloud crept over the sky. It was all one dim,
gray, gloomy stillness overhead. I wondered if they would have rain.
_They_, not I, for I was going to stay at home, and before they came
back I should have seen him. I said that over and over to myself with
bated breath, and cheeks that burned like flame. Every step that passed
my door made me start guiltily. Once, when some one knocked, I pulled
out my gray dress, and flung it on the bed, before I answered.
It was approaching four o'clock. I undressed myself rapidly, put on a
dressing-sack, and threw myself upon the bed. What should I say when
they came for me? They could not _make_ me go. I felt very brave. At
last the carriages drove up to the door. I crept to the window to see if
any one was ready. While I was watching through the half-closed blinds,
some one crossed the piazza. My heart gave a great leap, and then every
pulse stood still. It was Mr. Langenau. His step was slower than it used
to be, and, I thought, a little faltering. He crossed the road, and took
the path that led through the grove and garden to the river. He had a
book under his arm; he must be going to the boat-house to sit there and
read. My heart gave such an ecstasy of life to my veins at the thought,
that for a moment I felt sick and faint, as I drew back from the window.
I threw myself on the bed as some one knocked. It was a servant to tell
me they were ready. I sent word to Mrs. Hollenbeck that I was not well,
and should not be able to go with them. Then I lay still and waited in
much trepidation for the second knock. I heard in a few moments the
rustle of Sophie's dress outside. She was not pleased at all. She could
scarcely be polite. But then everything looked very plausible. There lay
my dress upon the bed, as if I had begun to dress, and I was pale and
trembling, and I am sure must have looked ill enough to have convinced
her that I spoke the truth.
She made some feeble offer to stay and take care of me. "Oh, pray
don't," I cried, too eagerly, I am afraid. And then she said her maid
should come and stay with me, for the children were going with them, and
there would be nothing for her to do. I stammered thanks, and then she
went away. I did not dare to move till after I had heard both carriages
drive off, and all voices die away in the distance.
Bettina came to the door, and was sent away with thanks. Then I began to
dress myself with very trembling hands. This was new work to me, this
horrible deception. But all remorse for that, was swallowed up in the
one engrossing thought and desire which had usurped my soul for the days
just passed.
It was a full half-hour before I was ready, my hands shook so
unaccountably, and I could scarcely find the things I wanted to put on.
When I went to the door I could hardly turn the key, I felt so weak,
and I stood in the passage many minutes before I dared go on. If any
one had appeared or spoken to me, I am quite sure I should have fainted,
my nerves were in such a shaken state.