When standing in Printing House Square, your destination being Grand
Street Perry or Bleecker Street, if a stranger asks whether you are
going to Harlem, nod, as it is considered improper to answer in the
negative. If he finds out the mistake, you can plead deafness.
When called upon to stop, never attempt to comply. There are several
reasons why you should not. In the first place, if you did stop, it
would show that you have no will of your own, and since the passage of
the Fifteenth Amendment, _all_ men are equal in this country.
You may stop about two blocks from the place named, just to please
yourself and prove your independence; but take particular care to start
the car when the passenger is half off the steps. If there is a young
surgeon in the neighborhood, you can enter into an arrangement to break
arms and legs in this way with impunity, have the maimed "carried into
the surgery," and share the fees with the operator. Occasional cases of
manslaughter may take place; but don't mind that, as coroners' juries in
New-York will return verdicts of "death from natural causes." Besides
this, remember that you have a vote, and that both coroners and judges
are dependent upon the people. When a lame old gentleman hails you,
beckon him furiously to come on, but be sure, at the same time, to urge
the driver to greater speed.
It is no part of your business to have change, so never give any, but
drive on: people should provide for and look after their own business
and that is none of yours.
Always drive through the centre of a target company or funeral
procession, never minding whether you kill one or more, and then abuse
the captain or the undertaker for his stupidity.
By the adoption of these essential rules, and by adding a good deal of
incivility, you will soon reach the top of the wheel of your profession
and in due time have a testimonial presented to you by an admiring and
grateful public.
* * * * *
Out in the Cold.
Commissioner Tweed proposes a new outside Bureau of the Department of
Public Works, for late-Commissioner MCLEAN. He is to be Superintendent
of Refrigerators.
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[Illustration: THE LANDING OF THE PILGRIMS.
ENGRAVED BY SPECIAL PERMISSION FOR PUNCHINELLO, FROM THE ORIGINAL
PAINTING, BY MILES STANDISH, IN THE COLLECTION OF METHUSELAH PILGRIM,
ESQ., OF PILGRIMSVILLE, MASS.]
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