to have one of 'em come to me and ask me to be hers. Just imagine it.
Some dainty little damsel of a soulful nature, with deep blue eyes, and
golden curls, and pearly teeth, and cherry lips, a cheek like the soft
and ripening peach and a smile that would bewitch even a Saint Anthony,
getting down on her knees and saying, 'O Idiot--dearest Idiot--be
mine--I love you, devotedly, tenderly, all through the Roget's
Thesaurusly, and have from the moment I first saw you. With you to share
it my lot in life will be heaven itself. Without you a Saharan waste of
Arctic frigidity. Wilt thou?' I think I'd wilt. I couldn't bring myself
to say 'No, Ethelinda, I can not be yours because my heart is set on a
strengthful damsel with raven locks and eyes of coal, with lips a shade
less cherry than thine, and a cheek more like the apple than the peach,
who can go out on the links and play golf with me. But if you ever need
a brother in your business I am the floor-walker that will direct you to
the bargain-counter where you'll find the latest thing in brothers at
cost.' I'd simply cave in on the instant and say, 'All right, Ethelinda,
call a cab and we'll trot around to the Little Church Around the Corner
and tie the knot; that is, my love, if you think you can support me in
the style to which I am accustomed."
Mr. Brief laughed. "I wouldn't bother if I were you, Mr. Idiot," said
he. "Women don't tie up very strongly to Idiots."
"Oh don't they," retorted the Idiot. "Well, do you know I had a sort of
notion that they did. The men that some of the nice girls I have known
in my day have tied up to have somehow or other given me the impression
that a woman has a special leaning toward Idiots. There was my old
sweetheart, Sallie Wiggins, for instance--that wasn't her real name, of
course, but she was one of the finest girls that ever attended a
bargain sale. She had a mind far above the ordinary. She could read
Schopenhauer at sight; understand Browning in a minute; her soul was as
big as her heart and her heart was two and a half sizes larger than the
universe. She was so strong-minded that although she could write poetry
she wouldn't, and in the last year of her single blessedness she was the
Queen-pin among the girls of her set. What she said was law, and
emancipation of her sex was her only vice. Well, what do you think
happened to Sallie Wiggins? After refusing every fine man in town,
including myself,--I must say I only asked her five times; no telling
what a sixth would have brought forth--she succumbed to the
blandishments of the first sapheaded young Lochinvar that came out of
the west, married him, and is now the smiling mother of nine children,
does all the family sewing, makes her own parlor bric-a-brac out of the
discarded utensils of the kitchen, dresses herself on ninety dollars a
decade, and is happy."
"But if she loved him--" began the Lawyer.
"Impossible," said the Idiot. "She pitied him. She knew that if she
didn't marry him, and take charge of him, another woman would, and that
the chances were ten to one that the other woman wouldn't do the thing
right and that Saphead's life would be ruined forever."
"But you say she is happy," persisted the Lawyer.
"Certainly she is," said the Idiot. "Because her life is an eternal
sacrifice to Saphead's needs, and if there is a luxury in this mundane
sphere that woman essentially craves it is the luxury of sacrifice.
There is something fanatic about it. Sallie Wiggins voluntarily turned
her back on seven men that I know of, one of whom is a Governor of his
state; two of whom are now in Congress; one of whom is a judge of a
state court; two of whom have become millionaire merchants; and the
seventh of whom is to-day, probably, the most brilliant ornament of the
penitentiary. Everyone of 'em turned down for Saphead, a man who parted
his hair in the middle, couldn't earn seven dollars a century on his
wits, is destined to remain hopelessly nothing, keeps her busy sewing
buttons on his clothes, and to save his life couldn't tell the
difference between Matthew Arnold and an automobile, and yet you tell me
that women don't care for idiots."
"Miss Wiggins--or Mrs. Saphead, to be more precise," said Mr. Brief, "is
only one instance."
"Well--there was Margaret Perkins--same town--same experience,"
said the Idiot. "Lovely girl--sought after by everybody--proposed
to her myself five times--President of the Mental Culture Society
of Baggville--graduate of Smythe--woman-member of Board of
Education--Director of Young Girls' Institute--danced like a dream--had
a sense of humor--laughed at my jokes--and married--what?"
"Well, what?" demanded the Lawyer.
"Prof. Omega Nit Zero, teacher of Cingalese in the University of
Oklawaha, founded by a millionaire from Geneseo, New Jersey, who owned a
hotel on the Oklawaha River that didn't pay, and hoped to brace up a bad
investment by the establishment in the vicinity of a centre of culture.
Prof. Zero receives ten dollars a week, and with his wife and three
pupils constitutes the whole faculty, board of trustees, janitor, and
student body of the University," said the Idiot. "Mrs. Zero dresses on
nothing a year; cares for her five children on the same basis, and is
happy. They are the principal patrons of the Oklawaha Hotel."
"Well--if she is happy?" said the Bibliomaniac. "What business is it of
anybody else? I think if Prof. Zero makes her happy he's the right kind
of a man."
"You couldn't make Zero the right kind of a man," said the Idiot. "He
isn't built that way. He wears men's clothes and he has sweet manners,
and a dulcet voice, and the learning of the serpent; but when it comes
to manhood he has the initiative of the turtle, lacking the cash value
of the terrapin, or the turtle's mock brother; he wears a beard, but it
is the beard of the bearded lady who up-to-date appears to be a useless
appanage of the strenuous life; and when you try to get at his
Americanism, if he has any, he flies off into stilted periods having to
do with the superior virtues of the Cingalese. And Margaret Perkins that
was hangs on his utterances as though he were a very archangel."
"Good," ejaculated Mr. Brief. "I am glad to hear that she is happy."
"So am I," said the Idiot. "But such happiness."
"Well, what's it all got to do with Leap Year, anyhow?" asked the
Bibliomaniac.
"Nothing at all, except that it proves that girls aren't fitted really
to choose their own husbands, and that therefore the special privilege
conferred upon them by the recurrence of Leap Year should be rescinded
by law," said the Idiot. "That privilege, owing to woman's incapacity to
choose correctly, and man's weakness in the use of negatives, is a
standing menace to the future happiness of the people."
"Hoity-toity," cried Mrs. Pedagog. "What a proposition. Tell me, Mr.
Idiot, if a woman is not capable of selecting her own husband, who on
earth is? Man himself--that embodiment of all the wisdom and all the
sagacity of the ages?"
"I didn't say so," said the Idiot. "And I don't really think so," he
added. "The whole institution of getting engaged to be married should be
regulated by the public authorities. Every county should have its
Matrimonial Bureau, whose duty it should be to pair off all the eligible
candidates in the matrimonial market, and in pairing them off it should
be done on a basis of mutual fitness. Bachelors and old maids should be
legislated out of existence, and nobody should be allowed to marry a
second time until everybody else had been provided for. It is perfectly
scandalous to me to read in the newspapers that a prominent widow in a
certain town has married her third husband, when it is known that that
same city contains 25,000 old maids who haven't the ghost of a show
unless the State steps in and helps them out. What business has any
woman to work up a corner in husbands, with so many of her sisters
absolutely starving matrimonially?"
"And the young people are to have nothing to say about it, eh?" asked
Mr. Brief.
"Oh yes--they can put in an application to the Bureau stating that they
want to wed, and the Board of Managers can consider the desirability of
issuing a permit," said the Idiot. "And they should be compelled to show
cause why they should not be restrained from getting married. It is only
in such a way that the state can reasonably guarantee the permanence of
a contract to which it is in a sense a party. The State, by the
establishment of certain laws, demands that the marriage contract shall
practically be a life affair. It should therefore take it upon itself to
see to it that there is a tolerable prospect at least that the contract
is a just one. Many a poor woman has been bound to a life-long
obligation of misery in which no consideration whatever has been paid by
the party of the second part. If a contract without consideration will
not stand in commerce, why should it in matrimony?"
"What you ought to go in for is Mormonism," snapped Mrs. Pedagog. "Keep
on getting married until you've found just the right one and then get
rid of all the others."
"That is a pleasing alternative," said the Idiot. "But expensive. I'd
hate to pay a milliner's bill for a Mormon household--but anyhow we
needn't grow acrimonious over the subject, for whatever I may think of
matrimony as she exists to-day, all the injustices, inequalities,
miseries of it, and all that, I prefer it to acrimony, and I haven't the
slightest idea that my dream of perfect conditions will ever be
realized. Only, Mary--"
"Yessir?" said the Maid.
"If between this and the first of January, 1905, any young ladies, or
old ones either, call here and ask for me--"
"Yessir," said the Maid.
"Tell 'em I've gone to Nidjni-Novgorod and am not expected back for
eleven years," said the Idiot. "I'm not going to take any chances."
COMPLETE INDEX
ALPHABETICALLY ARRANGED BY AUTHORS
ADAMS, CHARLES FOLLEN
Bary Jade, To, 1899
Der Oak und der Vine, 1823
Shonny Schwartz, 1206
Yawcob Strauss, 370
ADE, GEORGE
Hon. Ransom Peabody, 1429
ADELER, MAX (see CHARLES HEBER CLARK)
ALDRICH, THOMAS BAILEY
Our New Neighbors at Ponkapog, 403
ALLEN, NINA R.
Women and Bargains, 1352
AMSBARY, WALLACE BRUCE
Anatole Dubois at de Horse Show, 152
De Gradual Commence, 1164
Oncl' Antoine on 'Change, 1891
Rubaiyat of Mathieu Lettellier, 1965
Tim Flanagan's Mistake, 1673
Verre Definite, 1183
ANONYMOUS
Book-Canvasser, The, 1113
Country School, The, 1734
Merchant and the Book-Agent, The, 1124
APPLETON, JACK
Modern Farmer, The, 1083
ARP, BILL (see CHARLES H. SMITH)
BAGBY, GEORGE W.
How "Ruby" Played, 311
BAILEY, JAMES MONTGOMERY ("The Danbury News Man")
After the Funeral, 1146
Mr. Stiver's Horse, 464
BALDWIN, JOSEPH G.
Assault and Battery, 1391
BANGS, JOHN KENDRICK
By Bay and Sea, 1367
Genial Idiot Discusses Leap Year, The, 2018
Genial Idiot Discusses the Music Cure, The, 1105
Genial Idiot Suggests a Comic Opera, The, 504
Gentle Art of Boosting, The, 1575
University Intelligence Office, The, 1727
BATCHELDER, FRANK ROE
Happy Land, The, 1389
Wicked Zebra, The, 1322
BAXTER, BILLY (see WILLIAM J. KOUNTZ, JR.)
BECKER, CHARLOTTE
Modern Advantage, A, 642
BEDOTT, WIDOW (see FRANCES M. WHICHER)
BEECHER, HENRY WARD
Deacon's Trout, The, 212
Organ, The, 217
BELDEN, J. V. Z.
A Committee from Kelly's, 929
BILLINGS, JOSH (see HENRY W. SHAW)
BOYNTON, H. W.
The Golfer's Rubaiyat, 319
BRIDGES, MADELINE
A Mothers' Meeting, 1886
BROWNE, CHARLES FARRAR ("Artemus Ward")
Tower of London, The, 528
Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim, 539
BRYANT, WILLIAM CULLEN
The Mosquito, 1199
BURDETTE, ROBERT J.
Archæological Congress, An, 390
Brakeman at Church, The, 1323
Day We Do Not Celebrate, The, 134
"Festina Lente", 2016
Margins, 1297
My First Cigar, 1204
Plaint of Jonah, The, 485
Rollo Learning to Play, 912
Rollo Learning to Read, 448
Soldier, Rest, 1796
Songs Without Words, 1261
Strike at Hinman's, The, 342
What Lack We Yet, 1897
BURGESS, GELETT
Bohemians of Boston, The, 519
Nonsense Verses, 1244
Purple Cow, The, 13
Vive la Bagatelle, 280
Willy and the Lady, 2009
BUTLER, ELLIS PARKER
The Crimson Cord, 470
BUTLER, WILLIAM ALLEN
Nothing to Wear, 1435
CARLETON, HENRY GUY
The Thompson Street Poker Club, 1140
CARMAN, BLISS
Modern Eclogue, A, 645
In Philistia, 567
Sceptics, The, 1626
Spring Feeling, A, 1129
Staccato to O Le Lupe, A, 1499
CARRUTH, HAYDEN
Familiar Authors at Work, 289
Uncle Bentley and the Roosters, 1873
CARRYL, CHARLES E.
Nautical Ballad, A, 348
CARY, PHOEBE
"Day Is Done, The", 1628
I Remember, I Remember, 652
Jacob, 1898
Marriage of Sir John Smith, The, 803
Psalm of Life, A, 207
Samuel Brown, 259
"There's a Bower of Bean-Vines", 1916
When Lovely Woman, 1834
CHALLING, JOHN
Rhyme for Christmas, A, 1290
CHAMBERS, ROBERT W.
Recruit, The, 230
CHESTER, GEORGE RANDOLPH
Especially Men, 937
CLARK, CHARLES HEBER ("Max Adeler")
Millionaires, The, 1675
CLARKE, JOSEPH I. C.
Fighting Race, The, 214
CLEMENS, SAMUEL L.
Evidence in the Case of Smith vs. Jones, The, 1918
Great Prize Fight, The, 1903
Nevada Sketches, 1805
CONE, HELEN AVERY
Spring Beauties, The, 805
COOKE, EDMUND VANCE
Daniel Come to Judgment, A, 1399
Final Choice, The, 1427
CORTISSOZ, ELLEN MACKAY HUTCHINSON
Praise-God Barebones, 765
COX, KENYON
Bumblebeaver, The, 1145
Octopussycat, The, 1112
Paintermine, The, 1100
Welsh Rabbittern, The, 1120
Wild Boarder, The, 1163
COZZENS, FREDERICK S.
Family Horse, The, 715
CRANE, FRANK
Wamsley's Automatic Pastor, 511
CRAYON, PORTE (see B. F. STROTHER)
Culbertson, Anne Virginia
Comin' Thu, 333
Go Lightly, Gal (The Cake-Walk), 317
How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Beard, 1328
How Mr. Terrapin Lost His Plumage and Whistle, 1360
Mr. Hare Tries to Get a Wife, 921
Quit Yo' Worryin, 934
Whar Dem Sinful Apples Grow, 903
Why Moles Have Hands, 202
Woman Who Married an Owl, The, 838
CURTIS, GEORGE WILLIAM
Our Best Society, 233
CUTTING, MARY STEWART
Not According to Schedule, 1448
DALE, ALAN
Wanted--A Cook, 35
DAVIES, JOHN JAMES
Ballade of the "How To" Books, A, 416
DAY, HOLMAN F.
Had a Set of Double Teeth, 1994
When the Allegash Drive Goes Through, 1214
DERBY, GEORGE H. ("John Phoenix")
Lectures on Astronomy, 847
Musical Review Extraordinary, 824
DEVERE, WILLIAM
Walk, 300
DODGE, MARY ABIGAIL ("Gail Hamilton")
Complaint of Friends, A, 604
DOOLEY, MR. (see FINLEY PETER DUNNE)
DOWNING, MAJOR JACK (see SEBA SMITH)
DRUMMOND, WILLIAM HENRY
De Stove Pipe Hole, 774
Natural Philosophy, 1722
When Albani Sang, 92
DUNNE, FINLEY PETER ("Mr. Dooley")
Mr. Dooley on Expert Testimony, 844
Mr. Dooley on the Game of Football, 1059
Mr. Dooley on Gold-Seeking, 304
Mr. Dooley on Golf, 1630
Mr. Dooley on Reform Candidates, 321
EGGLESTON, EDWARD
Spelling Down the Master, 138
EMERSON, RALPH WALDO
Fable, 1358
FIELD, EUGENE
Advertiser, The, 1101
James and Reginald, 1171
Lost Chords, 1080
New Year Idyl, A, 2011
Story of the Two Friars, The, 588
Utah, 1305
Warrior, The, 1708
Winter Joys, 1868
FIELD, KATE
Night in a Rocking-Chair, A, 905
Rival Entertainment, A, 362
FIELDS, JAMES T.
Cæsar's Quiet Lunch with Cicero, 760
Owl-Critic, The, 1196
Pettibone Lineage, The, 196
FINN, HENRY J.
Curse of the Competent, The, 14
FISK, MAY ISABEL
Evening Musicale, An, 325
FLAGG, JAMES MONTGOMERY
Branch Library, A, 1446
Table Manners, 1400
FLOWER, ELLIOTT
Co-operative Housekeepers, The, 927
Her "Angel" Father, 936
Strike of One, The, 870
FOLEY, J. W.
Sonnets of the Lovable Lass and the Plethoric Dad, 723
FORD, JAMES L.
Dying Gag, The, 569
FORD, SEWELL
In Defence of an Offering, 1248
FOSS, SAM WALTER
Cable-Car Preacher, A, 647
He Wanted to Know, 1794
"Hullo", 1706
Prayer of Cyrus Brown, The, 1398
She Talked, 264
FRANKLIN, BENJAMIN
Maxims, 1804
Paper: A Poem, 1548
FRENCH, ALICE ("Octave Thanet")
Fairport Art Museum, The, 1062
FRENCH, ANNE WARNER ("Anne Warner")
So Wags the World, 1092
Wolf at Susan's Door, The, 626
GILLILAN, STRICKLAND W.
Mammy's Lullaby, 542
GILMAN, CAROLINE HOWARD
Colonel's Clothes, The, 396
GILMAN, CHARLOTTE PERKINS
Similar Cases, 56
GRAY, DAVID
Mr. Carteret and His Fellow Americans Abroad, 1462
GREENE, ALBERT GORTON
Old Grimes, 818
GREENE, ROY FARRELL
Educational Project, An, 1264
Wasted Opportunities, 1132
Woman-Hater Reformed, The, 1359
GREENE, SARAH P. MCLEAN
Grandma Keeler Gets Grandpa Ready for Sunday-School 266
HABBERTON, JOHN
Budge and Toddie, 1692
HALE, EDWARD EVERETT
Skeleton in the Closet, The, 1371
HALE, LUCRETIA P.
Elizabeth Eliza Writes a Paper, 454
HALIBURTON, T. C. ("Sam Slick")
Road to a Woman's Heart, The, 1487
HALL, BAYNARD RUST
Camp-Meeting, The, 1265
Selecting the Faculty, 437
HAMILTON, GAIL (see MARY ABIGAIL DODGE)
HARLAND, HENRY
Invisible Prince, The,1836
HARRIS, JOEL CHANDLER
My Honey, My Love, 691
HARRIS, KENNETT
Trial that Job Missed, The, 1917
HARTE, FRANCIS BRET
Melons, 1
Plain Language from Truthful James, 1997
Society upon the Stanislaus, The, 1078
HARTSWICK, JENNIE BETTS
Weddin', The, 1134
HAWTHORNE, NATHANIEL
British Matron, The, 192
HAY, JOHN
Banty Tim, 1173
Distichs, 65
Mystery of Gilgal, The, 1654
HENRY, O. (see SYDNEY PORTER)
HERFORD, OLIVER
Alphabet of Celebrities, 1243
HOBART, GEORGE V. ("Hugh McHugh")
John Henry in a Street Car, 177
HOLLEY, MARIETTA ("Josiah Allen's Wife")
How We Bought a Sewin' Machine and Organ, 729
HOLMES, OLIVER WENDELL
Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, The, 753
Contentment, 1952
Deacon's Masterpiece, or, The Wonderful "One-Hoss Shay," The, 9
Dislikes, 536
Evening, 1175
Height of the Ridiculous, The, 1832
Latter-Day Warnings, 1168
HONEYWOOD, ST. JOHN
Darby and Joan, 166
HOOPER, J. J.
Simon Starts in the World, 881
HOUGH, EMERSON
Girl and the Julep, The, 1401
HOVEY, RICHARD
Barney McGee, 223
Her Valentine, 1117
HOWE, E. W.
Letter from Mr. Biggs, A, 69
HOWELLS, WILLIAM DEAN
Mrs. Johnson, 74
IRONQUILL (see EUGENE F. WARE)
IRVIN, WALLACE
Ballad of Grizzly Gulch, The, 1073
Boat that Ain't, The, 1764
Crankidoxology, 688
Dutiful Mariner, The, 973
Fall Styles in Faces, 1992
Forbearance of the Admiral, The, 1553
Letter from Home, A, 522
Lost Inventor, The, 1385
Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum, 307
Meditations of a Mariner, 713
Niagara Be Dammed, 1551
Rhyme of the Chivalrous Shark, The, 483
IRVING, WASHINGTON
Wouter Van Twiller, 109
JOHNSON, CHARLES F.
Greco-Trojan Game, The, 595
JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE (see MARIETTA HOLLEY)
KAUFFMAN, REGINALD WRIGHT
Auto Rubaiyat, The, 546
KELLEY, J. F.
Desperate Race, A, 742
KELLY, MYRA
Morris and the Honorable Tim, 488
KISER, S. E.
Budd Wilkins at the Show, 352
Love Sonnets of an Office Boy, 1056
Meeting, The, 1915
Quarrel, The, 68
When Doctors Disagree, 1762
Yankee Dude'll Do, The, 136
KNOTT, J. PROCTOR
Duluth Speech, The, 1606
KOUNTZ, WILLIAM J., JR. ("Billy Baxter")
Grand Opera, The, 693
LAIDLAW, A. H.
It Is Time to Begin to Conclude, 1294
LAMPTON, WILLIAM J.
Critic, The, 1336
New Version, The, 574
Possession, 2000
LANIGAN, GEORGE THOMAS
Threnody, A, 1754
LAUGHLIN, E. O.
Hired Hand and "Ha'nts", The, 419
LELAND, CHARLES GODFREY
Ballad, 355
Breitmann and the Turners, 1217
Breitmann in Politics, 1943
Hans Breitmann's Party, 446
Love Song, 1950
LELAND, HENRY P.
Dutchman Who Had the "Small Pox", The, 295
LESLIE, ELIZA
Set of China, The, 808
LEWIS, ALFRED HENRY
Colonel Sterett's Panther Hunt, 98
LEWIS, CHARLES B. ("M. Quad")
Two Cases of Grip, 1239
LOCKE, DAVID ROSS ("Petroleum V. Nasby")
Letter, A, 282
LONGFELLOW, HENRY WADSWORTH
Notary of Perigueux, The, 1251
LONG, JOHN LUTHER
Seffy and Sally, 372
LONGSTREET, A. B.
Shooting-Match, The, 666
LOOMIS, CHARLES BATTELL
Araminta and the Automobile, 1825
Gusher, The, 1656
LORIMER, GEORGE HORACE
Letter from a Self-Made Merchant to His Son, A, 961
LOWELL, JAMES RUSSELL
Chief Mate, The, 1482
Courtin', The, 524
What Mr. Robinson Thinks, 131
LUMMIS, CHARLES F.
My Cigarette, 1292
Poe-'em of Passion, A, 1879
LYNDE, FRANCIS
How Jimaboy Found Himself, 1765
MCHENRY, MAY
Melinda's Humorous Story, 975
MCHUGH, HUGH (see George V. Hobart)
MCINTYRE, JOHN T.
Talking Horse, The, 1185
MACGOWAN, ALICE
Columbia and the Cowboy, 1582
MACGRATH, HAROLD
Enchanted Hat, The, 1510
MACAULEY, CHARLES RAYMOND
Itinerant Tinker, The, 861
MARBLE, DANFORTH
Hoosier and the Salt Pile, The, 357
MASSON, TOM
Desolation, 686
Enough, 213
Hard, 1625
It Pays to Be Happy, 1170
Victory, 714
MOODY, WILLIAM VAUGHN
Menagerie, The, 24
MORRIS, GEORGE P.
Retort, The, 584
MOTT, ED
Old Settler, The, 1177
MUNKITTRICK, R. K.
April Aria, An, 711
Fate, 1554
Goat, The, 1247
Unsatisfied Yearning, 1835
Winter Dusk, 1975
Winter Fancy, A, 1308
M., C. W.
Triolets, 1262
NASBY, PETROLEUM V. (see DAVID ROSS LOCKE)
NAYLOR, JAMES BALL
Comin' Home Thanksgivin, 763
NEFF, ELIZABETH HYER
Life Elixir of Marthy, The, 1555
NESBIT, WILBUR D.
Cry from the Consumer, A, 190
Johnny's Pa, 1802
Odyssey of K's, An, 209
Tale of the Tangled Telegram, The, 1709
"Tiddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-Bum! Bum!", 1202
Ye Legend of Sir Yroncladde, 1973
NICHOLSON, MEREDITH
Jack Balcomb's Pleasant Ways, 1300
NOBLE, ALDEN CHARLES
Ballade of Ping-Pong, A, 1690
Tragedy of It, The, 194
NYE, EDGAR WILSON ("Bill Nye")
Dubious Future, The, 1298
Grains of Truth, 985
Grammatical Boy, The, 16
Great Cerebrator, A, 1784
Guest at the Ludlow, A, 1503
Medieval Discoverer, A, 31
O'CONNELL, DANIEL
Drayman, The, 834
O'REILLY, JOHN BOYLE
Disappointment, A, 191
Yes, 222
OSBOURNE, LLOYD
Jones, 1007
PARTINGTON, MRS. (see B. P. SHILLABER)
PAUL, JOHN (see CHARLES HENRY WEBB)
PECK, SAMUEL MINTURN
Little Bopeep and Little Boy Blue, 2015
My Grandmother's Turkey-Tail Fan, 219
My Sweetheart, 544
PHELPS, ELIZABETH STUART (see ELIZABETH STUART PHELPS WARD)
PHOENIX, JOHN (see GEORGE H. DERBY)
PORTER, SYDNEY ("O. Henry")
Double-Dyed Deceiver, A, 1927
PRICE, WARWICK S.
Is It I, 1447
QUAD, M. (see CHARLES B. LEWIS)
QUICK, HERBERT
Martyrdom of Mr. Stevens, The, 1151
RANKIN, CARROLL WATSON
Johnny's Lessons, 1570
READ, OPIE
Arkansas Planter, An, 556
RICE, WALLACE
In Elizabeth's Day, 572
Myopia, 151
Rule of Three, A, 1779
RILEY, JAMES WHITCOMB
At Aunty's House, 2007
Bear Story, The, 1047
Champion Checker-Player of Ameriky, The, 156
Dos't o' Blues, 486
Down Around the River, 29
Funny Little Fellow, The, 822
Grandfather Squeers, 1571
Hoss, The, 1759
Little Mock-Man, The, 540
Little Orphant Annie, 444
Lugubrious Whing-Whang, The, 1669
My Philosofy, 1076
My Ruthers, 971
Natural Perversities, 350
Nine Little Goblins, The, 1635
Our Hired Girl, 1888
Ponchus Pilut, 624
Raggedy Man, The, 643
"_Ringworm Frank_", 395
Runaway Boy, The, 832
Thoughts fer the Discuraged Farmer, 1081
Tree-Toad, The, 418
Up and Down Old Brandywine, 1003
Way It Wuz, The, 261
When the Frost Is on the Punkin, 169
ROBINSON, DOANE
One of the Palls, 1601
ROCHE, JAMES JEFFREY
Concord Love-Song, A, 1913
V-A-S-E, The, 1603
ROOF, KATHARINE M.
Associated Widows, The, 1338
ROSE, RAY CLARKE
Simple English, 19
ROSE, WILLIAM RUSSELL
Conscientious Curate and the Beauteous Ballet Girl, The, 1756
SABIN, EDWIN L.
Her Brother: Enfant Terrible, 2001
Trouble-Proof, 1801
SAXE, JOHN G.
Briefless Barrister, The, 585
Comic Miseries, 1121
Coquette, The, 1127
How the Money Goes, 1780
Icarus, 1493
Reflective Retrospect, A, 1703
Teaching by Example, 91
SCOLLARD, CLINTON
Bookworm's Plaint, A, 1878
Cavalier's Valentine, A, 1782
Holly Song, 1260
Vive La Bagatelle, 1497
SCUDDER, HORACE E.
"As Good as a Play", 749
SHAW, HENRY W. ("Josh Billings")
Laffing, 171
Muskeeter, The, 181
SHILLABER, B. P. ("Mrs. Partington")
Partingtonian Patchwork, 20
SHUTE, HENRY A.
Real Diary of a Real Boy, The, 1881
SILL, EDWARD ROWLAND
Eve's Daughter, 1605
SLICK, SAM (see THOMAS C. HALIBURTON)
SMILEY, MAURICE
Love Sonnets of a Husband, The, 725
SMITH, CHARLES H. ("Bill Arp")
Bill Nations, 1368
Few Reflections, A, 1799
Litigation, 1533
Southern Sketches, 575
SMITH, F. HOPKINSON
Chad's Story of the Goose, 993
Colonel Carter's Story of the Postmaster, 1052
SMITH, SEBA ("Major Jack Downing")
My First Visit to Portland, 409
SMITH, SOL
Bully Boat and a Brag Captain, A, 1208
SOUSA, JOHN PHILIP
Feast of the Monkeys, The, 183
Have You Seen the Lady? 821
SPOFFORD, HARRIET PRESCOTT
Our Very Wishes, 1637
Tom's Money, 1955