LONDON, September 29, 1752.
MY DEAR FRIEND: There is nothing so necessary, but at the same time there
is nothing more difficult (I know it by experience) for you young
fellows, than to know how to behave yourselves prudently toward those
whom you do not like. Your passions are warm, and your heads are light;
you hate all those who oppose your views, either of ambition or love; and
a rival, in either, is almost a synonymous term for an enemy. Whenever
you meet such a man, you are awkwardly cold to him, at best; but often
rude, and always desirous to give him some indirect slap. This is
unreasonable; for one man has as good a right to pursue an employment, or
a mistress, as another; but it is, into the bargain, extremely imprudent;
because you commonly defeat your own purpose by it, and while you are
contending with each other, a third often prevails. I grant you that the
situation is irksome; a man cannot help thinking as he thinks, nor
feeling what he feels; and it is a very tender and sore point to be
thwarted and counterworked in one’s pursuits at court, or with a
mistress; but prudence and abilities must check the effects, though they
cannot remove the cause. Both the pretenders make themselves disagreeable
to their mistress, when they spoil the company by their pouting, or their
sparring; whereas, if one of them has command enough over himself
(whatever he may feel inwardly) to be cheerful, gay, and easily and
unaffectedly civil to the other, as if there were no manner of
competition between them, the lady will certainly like him the best, and
his rival will be ten times more humbled and discouraged; for he will
look upon such a behavior as a proof of the triumph and security of his
rival, he will grow outrageous with the lady, and the warmth of his
reproaches will probably bring on a quarrel between them. It is the same
in business; where he who can command his temper and his countenance the
best, will always have an infinite advantage over the other. This is what
the French call un ‘procede honnete et galant’, to PIQUE yourself upon
showing particular civilities to a man, to whom lesser minds would, in
the same case, show dislike, or perhaps rudeness. I will give you an
instance of this in my own case; and pray remember it, whenever you come
to be, as I hope you will, in a like situation.
When I went to The Hague, in 1744, it was to engage the Dutch to come
roundly into the war, and to stipulate their quotas of troops, etc.; your
acquaintance, the Abbe de la Ville, was there on the part of France, to
endeavor to hinder them from coming into the war at all. I was informed,
and very sorry to hear it, that he had abilities, temper, and industry.
We could not visit, our two masters being at war; but the first time I
met him at a third place, I got somebody to present me to him; and I told
him, that though we were to be national enemies, I flattered myself we
might be, however, personal friends, with a good deal more of the same
kind; which he returned in full as polite a manner. Two days afterward, I
went, early in the morning, to solicit the Deputies of Amsterdam, where I
found l’Abbe de la Ville, who had been beforehand with me; upon which I
addressed myself to the Deputies, and said, smilingly, I am very sorry,
Gentlemen, to find my enemy with you; my knowledge of his capacity is
already sufficient to make me fear him; we are not upon equal terms; but
I trust to your own interest against his talents. If I have not this day
had the first word, I shall at least have the last. They smiled: the Abbe
was pleased with the compliment, and the manner of it, stayed about a
quarter of an hour, and then left me to my Deputies, with whom I
continued upon the same tone, though in a very serious manner, and told
them that I was only come to state their own true interests to them,
plainly and simply, without any of those arts, which it was very
necessary for my friend to make use of to deceive them. I carried my
point, and continued my ‘procede’ with the Abbe; and by this easy and
polite commerce with him, at third places, I often found means to fish
out from him whereabouts he was.
Remember, there are but two ‘procedes’ in the world for a gentleman and a
man of parts; either extreme politeness or knocking down. If a man
notoriously and designedly insults and affronts you, knock him down; but
if he only injures you, your best revenge is to be extremely civil to him
in your outward behavior, though at the same time you counterwork him,
and return him the compliment, perhaps with interest. This is not perfidy
nor dissimulation; it would be so if you were, at the same time, to make
professions of esteem and friendship to this man; which I by no means
recommend, but on the contrary abhor. But all acts of civility are, by
common consent, understood to be no more than a conformity to custom, for
the quiet and conveniency of society, the ‘agremens’ of which are not to
be disturbed by private dislikes and jealousies. Only women and little
minds pout and spar for the entertainment of the company, that always
laughs at, and never pities them. For my own part, though I would by no
means give up any point to a competitor, yet I would pique myself upon
showing him rather more civility than to another man. In the first place,
this ‘procede’ infallibly makes all ‘les rieurs’ of your side, which is a
considerable party; and in the next place, it certainly pleases the
object of the competition, be it either man or woman; who never fail to
say, upon such an occasion, that THEY MUST OWN YOU HAVE BEHAVED YOURSELF
VERY, HANDSOMELY IN THE WHOLE AFFAIR. The world judges from the
appearances of things, and not from the reality, which few are able, and
still fewer are inclined to fathom: and a man, who will take care always
to be in the right in those things, may afford to be sometimes a little
in the wrong in more essential ones: there is a willingness, a desire to
excuse him. With nine people in ten, good-breeding passes for
good-nature, and they take attentions for good offices. At courts there
will be always coldnesses, dislikes, jealousies, and hatred, the harvest
being but small in proportion to the number of laborers; but then, as
they arise often, they die soon, unless they are perpetuated by the
manner in which they have been carried on, more than by the matter which
occasioned them. The turns and vicissitudes of courts frequently make
friends of enemies, and enemies of friends; you must labor, therefore, to
acquire that great and uncommon talent of hating with good-breeding and
loving with prudence; to make no quarrel irreconcilable by silly and
unnecessary indications of anger; and no friendship dangerous, in case it
breaks, by a wanton, indiscreet, and unreserved confidence.
Few, (especially young) people know how to love, or how to hate; their
love is an unbounded weakness, fatal to the person they love; their hate
is a hot, rash, and imprudent violence, always fatal to themselves.
Nineteen fathers in twenty, and every mother, who had loved you half as
well as I do, would have ruined you; whereas I always made you feel the
weight of my authority, that you might one day know the force of my love.
Now, I both hope and believe, my advice will have the same weight with
you from choice that my authority had from necessity. My advice is just
eight-and-twenty years older than your own, and consequently, I believe
you think, rather better. As for your tender and pleasurable passions,
manage them yourself; but let me have the direction of all the others.
Your ambition, your figure, and your fortune, will, for some time at
least, be rather safer in my keeping than in your own. Adieu.