A REMINISCENCE.
O'Leary and Trevanion had scarcely left the room when the waiter entered
with two letters--the one bore a German post-mark, and was in the
well-known hand of Lady Callonby--the other in a writing with which I was
no less familiar--that of Emily Bingham.
Let any one who has been patient enough to follow me through these
"Confessions," conceive my agitation at this moment. There lay my fate
before me, coupled, in all likelihood, with a view of what it might have
been under happier auspices--at least so in anticipation did I read the
two unopened epistles. My late interview with Miss Bingham left no doubt
upon my mind that I had secured her affections; and acting in accordance
with the counsel of Trevanion, no less than of my own sense of right, I
resolved upon marrying her, with what prospect of happiness I dared not
to think of!
Alas! and alas! there is no infatuation like the taste for flirtation
--mere empty, valueless, heartless flirtation. You hide the dice-box and
the billiard queue, lest your son become a gambler--you put aside the
racing calendar, lest he imbibe a jockey predilection--but you never
tremble at his fondness for white muslin and a satin slipper, far more
dangerous tastes though they be, and infinitely more perilous to a man's
peace and prosperity than all the "queens of trumps" that ever figured,
whether on pasteboard or the Doncaster. "Woman's my weakness, yer
honor," said an honest Patlander, on being charged before the lord mayor
with having four wives living; and without having any such "Algerine act"
upon my conscience, I must, I fear, enter a somewhat similar plea for my
downfallings, and avow in humble gratitude, that I have scarcely had a
misfortune through life unattributable to them in one way or another.
And this I say without any reference to country, class, or complexion,
"black, brown or fair," from my first step forth into life, a raw sub.
in the gallant 4_th, to this same hour, I have no other avowal, no other
confession to make. "Be always ready with the pistol," was the dying
advice of an Irish statesman to his sons: mine, in a similar
circumstance, would rather be "Gardez vous des femmes," and more
especially if they be Irish.
There is something almost treacherous in the facility with which an
Irish girl receives your early attentions and appears to like them,
that invariably turns a young fellow's head very long before he has any
prospect of touching her heart. She thinks it so natural to be made love
to, that there is neither any affected coyness nor any agitated surprise.
She listens to your declaration of love as quietly as the chief justice
would to one of law, and refers the decision to a packed jury of her
relatives, who rarely recommend you to mercy. Love and fighting, too,
are so intimately united in Ireland, that a courtship rarely progresses
without at least one exchange of shots between some of the parties
concerned. My first twenty-four hours in Dublin is so pleasantly
characteristic of this that I may as well relate it here, while the
subject is before us; besides, as these "Confessions" are intended as
warnings and guides to youth, I may convey a useful lesson, showing why
a man should not "make love in the dark."
It was upon a raw, cold, drizzling morning in February, 18__, that our
regiment landed on the North-wall from Liverpool, whence we had been
hurriedly ordered to repress some riots and disturbances then agitating
Dublin.
We marched to the Royal Barracks, our band playing Patrick's Day, to the
very considerable admiration of as naked a population as ever loved
music. The __th dragoons were at the same time quartered there--right
pleasant jovial fellows, who soon gave us to understand that the troubles
were over before we arrived, and that the great city authorities were now
returning thanks for their preservation from fire and sword, by a series
of entertainments of the most costly, but somewhat incongruous kind--the
company being scarce less melee than the dishes. Peers and playactors,
judges and jailors, archbishops, tailors, attorneys, ropemakers and
apothecaries, all uniting in the festive delight of good feeding, and
drinking the "glorious memory"--but of whom half the company knew not,
only surmising "it was something agin the papists." You may smile, but
these were pleasant times, and I scarcely care to go back there since
they were changed. But to return. The __th had just received an
invitation to a ball, to be given by the high sheriff, and to which they
most considerately said we should also be invited. This negociation was
so well managed that before noon we all received our cards from a green
liveried youth, mounted on a very emaciated pony--the whole turn-out not
auguring flatteringly of the high sheriff's taste in equipage.
We dined with the __th, and, as customary before going to an evening
party, took the "other bottle" of claret that lies beyond the frontier of
prudence. In fact, from the lieutenant-colonel down to the newly-joined
ensign, there was not a face in the party that did not betray "signs of
the times" that boded most favourably for the mirth of the sheriff's
ball. We were so perfectly up to the mark, that our major, a Connemara
man, said, as we left the mess-room, "a liqueure glass would spoil us."
In this acme of our intellectual wealth, we started about eleven o'clock
upon every species of conveyance that chance could press into the
service. Of hackney coaches there were few--but in jingles, noddies, and
jaunting-cars, with three on a side and "one in the well," we mustered
strong--Down Barrack-street we galloped, the mob cheering us, we
laughing, and I'm afraid shouting a little, too--the watchmen springing
their rattles, as if instinctively at noise, and the whole population up
and awake, evidently entertaining a high opinion of our convivial
qualities. Our voices became gradually more decorous, however, as we
approached the more civilized quarter of the town; and with only the
slight stoppage of the procession to pick up an occasional dropper-off,
as he lapsed from the seat of a jaunting-car, we arrived at length at our
host's residence, somewhere in Sackville-street.
Had our advent conferred the order of knighthood upon the host, he could
not have received us with more "empressement." He shook us all in turn
by the hand, to the number of eight and thirty, and then presented us
seriatim to his spouse, a very bejewelled lady of some forty years--who,
what between bugles, feathers, and her turban, looked excessively like a
Chinese pagoda upon a saucer. The rooms were crowded to suffocation--the
noise awful--and the company crushing and elbowing rather a little more
than you expect where the moiety are of the softer sex. However, "on
s'habitue a tout," sayeth the proverb, and with truth, for we all so
perfectly fell in with the habits of the place, that ere half an hour,
we squeezed, ogled, leered, and drank champagne like the rest of the
corporation.
"Devilish hot work, this," said the colonel, as he passed me with two
rosy-cheeked, smiling ladies on either arm; "the mayor--that little
fellow in the punch-coloured shorts--has very nearly put me hors de
combat with champagne; take care of him, I advise you."
Tipsy as I felt myself, I was yet sufficiently clear to be fully alive
to the drollery of the scene before me. Flirtations that, under other
circumstances, would demand the secrecy and solitude of a country green
lane, or some garden bower, were here conducted in all the open
effrontery of wax lights and lustres; looks were interchanged, hands
were squeezed, and soft things whispered, and smiles returned; till
the intoxication of "punch negus" and spiced port, gave way to the far
greater one of bright looks and tender glances. Quadrilles and country
dances--waltzing there was none, (perhaps all for the best)--whist,
backgammon, loo--unlimited for uproar--sandwiches, and warm liquors,
employed us pretty briskly till supper was announced, when a grand
squeeze took place on the stairs--the population tending thitherward with
an eagerness that a previous starvation of twenty-four hours could alone
justify. Among this dense mass of moving muslin, velvet and broad-cloth,
I found myself chaperoning an extremely tempting little damsel, with a
pair of laughing blue eyes and dark eyelashes, who had been committed to
my care and guidance for the passage.
"Miss Moriarty, Mr. Lorrequer," said an old lady in green and spangles,
who I afterwards found was the lady mayoress.
"The nicest girl in the room," said a gentleman with a Tipperary accent,
"and has a mighty nice place near Athlone."
The hint was not lost upon me, and I speedily began to faire l'amiable to
my charge; and before we reached the supper room, learned certain
particulars of her history, which I have not yet forgot. She was, it
seems, sister to a lady then in the room, the wife of an attorney, who
rejoiced in the pleasing and classical appellation of Mr. Mark Anthony
Fitzpatrick; the aforesaid Mark Anthony being a tall, raw-boned,
black-whiskered, ill-looking dog, that from time to time contrived to
throw very uncomfortable looking glances at me and Mary Anne, for she was
so named, the whole time of supper. After a few minutes, however, I
totally forgot him, and, indeed, every thing else, in the fascination of
my fair companion. She shared her chair with me, upon which I supported
her by my arm passed round the back; we eat our pickled salmon, jelly,
blanc mange, cold chicken, ham, and custard; off the same plate, with an
occasional squeeze of the finger, as our hands met--her eyes making sad
havoc with me all the while, as I poured my tale of love--love, lasting,
burning, all-consuming--into her not unwilling ear.
"Ah! now, ye'r not in earnest?"
"Yes, Mary Anne, by all that's"--
"Well, there now, don't swear, and take care--sure Mark Anthony is
looking."
"Mark Anthony be--"
"Oh! how passionate you are; I'm sure I never could live easy with you.
There, now, give me some sponge cake, and don't be squeezing me, or
they'll see you."
"Yes, to my heart, dearest girl."
"Och, it's cheese you're giving me," said she, with a grimace that nearly
cured my passion.
"A cottage, a hut, with you--with you," said I, in a cadence that I defy
Macready to rival--"what is worldly splendour, or the empty glitter of
rank."
I here glanced at my epaulettes, upon which I saw her eyes rivetted.
"Isn't the ginger beer beautiful," said she, emptying a glass of
champagne.
Still I was not to be roused from my trance, and continued my courtship
as warmly as ever.
"I suppose you'll come home now," said a gruff voice behind Mary Anne.
I turned and perceived Mark Anthony with a grim look of peculiar import.
"Oh, Mark dear, I'm engaged to dance another set with this gentleman."
"Ye are, are ye?" replied Mark, eyeing me askance. "Troth and I think
the gentleman would be better if he went off to his flea-bag himself."
In my then mystified intellect this west country synonyme for a bed a
little puzzled me.
"Yes sir, the lady is engaged to me: have you any thing to say to that?"
"Nothing at present, at all," said Mark, almost timidly.
"Oh dear, oh dear," sobbed Mary Anne; "they're going to fight, and he'll
be killed--I know he will."
For which of us this fate was destined, I stopped not to consider, but
amid a very sufficient patting upon the back, and thumping between the
shoulders, bestowed by members of the company who approved of my
proceedings. The three fiddles, the flute, and bassoon, that formed our
band, being by this time sufficiently drunk, played after a fashion of
their own, which by one of those strange sympathies of our nature,
imparted its influence to our legs, and a country dance was performed in
a style of free and easy gesticulation that defies description. At the
end of eighteen couple, tired of my exertions--and they were not slight
--I leaned my back against the wall of the room, which I now, for the
first time, perceived was covered with a very peculiar and novel species
of hanging--no less than a kind of rough, green baize cloth, that moved
and floated at every motion of the air. I paid little attention to this,
till suddenly turning my head, something gave way behind it. I felt
myself struck upon the back of the neck, and fell forward into the room,
covered by a perfect avalanche of fenders, fire-irons, frying-pans, and
copper kettles, mingled with the lesser artillery of small nails, door
keys, and holdfasts. There I lay amid the most vociferous mirth I ever
listened to, under the confounded torrent of ironmongery that
half-stunned me. The laughter over, I was assisted to rise, and having
drank about a pint of vinegar, and had my face and temples washed in
strong whiskey punch--the allocation of the fluids being mistaken, I
learned that our host, the high sheriff, was a celebrated tin and iron
man, and that his salles de reception were no other than his magazine of
metals, and that to conceal the well filled shelves from the gaze of his
aristocratic guests, they were clothed in the manner related; which my
unhappy head, by some misfortune, displaced, and thus brought on a
calamity scarcely less afflicting to him than to myself. I should
scarcely have stopped to mention this here, were it not that Mary Anne's
gentle nursing of me in my misery went far to complete what her
fascination had begun; and although she could not help laughing at the
occurrence, I forgave her readily for her kindness.
"Remember," said I, trying to ogle through a black eye, painted by the
angle of a register grate--"remember, Mary Anne, I am to see you home."
"Oh! dear, sir, sure I don't know how you can manage it--"
Here Mark Anthony's entrance cut short this speech, for he came to
declare that some of the officers had taken his coach, and was, as might
be supposed, in a towering passion.
"If, sir," said I, with an air of the most balmy courtesy--"If I can be
of any use in assisting you to see your friends home--"
"Ah! then, ye'r a nice looking article to see ladies home. I wish you
seen yourself this minute," said he.
As I felt it would be no breach of the unities--time, place, and every
thing considered--to smash his skull, I should certainly have proceeded
to do so, had not a look of the most imploring kind from Mary Anne
restrained me. By this time, he had taken her under the arm, and was
leading her away. I stood irresolute, till a glance from my charmer
caught me; when I rallied at once, and followed them down stairs. Here
the scene was the full as amusing as above; the cloaking, shawling,
shoeing, &c., of the ladies being certainly as mirth-moving a process
as I should wish to see. Here were mothers trying to collect their
daughters, as a hen her chickens, and as in that case, the pursuit of one
usually lost all the others; testy papas swearing, lovers leering, as
they twisted the boas round the fair throats of their sweethearts; vows
of love, mingling with lamentations for a lost slipper, or a stray
mantle. Sometimes the candles were extinguished, and the melee became
greater, till the order and light were restored together. Meanwhile,
each of our fellows had secured his fair one, save myself, and I was
exposed to no small ridicule for my want of savoir faire. Nettled at
this, I made a plunge to the corner of the room, where Mary Anne was
shawling; I recognized her pink sash, threw her cloak over her shoulders,
and at the very moment that Mark Anthony drew his wife's arm within his,
I performed the same by my friend, and followed them to the door. Here,
the grim brother-in-law turned round to take Mary Anne's arm, and seeing
her with me, merely gave a kind of hoarse chuckle, and muttered, "Very
well, sir: upon my conscience you will have it, I see." During this
brief interval, so occupied was I in watching him, that I never once
looked in my fair friend's face; but the gentle squeeze of her arm, as
she leaned upon me, assured me that I had her approval of what I was
doing.
What were the precise train of my thoughts, and what the subjects of
conversation between us, I am unfortunately now unable to recollect.
It is sufficient to remember, that I could not believe five minutes had
elapsed, when we arrived at York-street. "Then you confess you love me,"
said I, as I squeezed her arm to my side.
"Then, by this kiss," said I, "I swear, never to relinquish."--
What I was about to add, I am sure I know not; but true it is, that a
certain smacking noise here attracted Mr. Mark Anthony's attention, who
started round, looked as full in the face, and then gravely added,
"Enough is as good as a feast. I wish you pleasant drames, Mr. Larry
Kar, if that's your name; and you'll hear from me in the morning."
"I intend it," said I. "Good night, dearest; think of--" The slam of
the street door in my face spoiled the peroration, and I turned towards
home.
By the time I reached the barracks, the united effects of the champagne,
sherry, and Sheffield iron, had, in a good measure subsided, and my head
had become sufficiently clear to permit a slight retrospect of the
evening's amusement.
From two illusions I was at least awakened:--First, the high sheriff's
ball was not the most accurate representation of high society; secondly,
I was not deeply enamoured of Mary Anne Moriarty. Strange as it may
seem, and how little soever the apparent connexion between those two
facts, the truth of one had a considerable influence in deciding the
other. N'importe, said I, the thing is over; it was rather good fun,
too, upon the whole--saving the "chute des casseroles;" and as to the
lady, she must have seen it was a joke as well as myself. At least, so I
am decided it shall be; and as there was no witness to our conversation,
the thing is easily got out of.
The following day, as I was dressing to ride out, my servant announced no
less a person than Mr. Mark Anthony Fitzpatrick, who said "that he came
upon a little business, and must see me immediately."
Mr. Fitzpatrick, upon being announced, speedily opened his negociation by
asking in very terse and unequivocal phrase, my intentions regarding his
sister-in-law. After professing the most perfect astonishment at the
question, and its possible import, I replied, that she was a most
charming person, with whom I intended to have nothing whatever to do.
"And maybe you never proposed for her at the ball last night?"
"Propose for a lady at a ball the first time I ever met her!"
"Just so. Can you carry your memory so far back? or, perhaps I had
better refresh it;" and he here repeated the whole substance of my
conversation on the way homeward, sometimes in the very words I used.
"But, my dear sir, the young lady could never have supposed I used such
language as this you have repeated?"
"So, then, you intend to break off? Well, then, it's right to tell you
that you're in a very ugly scrape, for it was my wife you took home last
night--not Miss Moriarty; and I leave you to choose at your leisure
whether you'd rather be defendant in a suit for breach of promise or
seduction; and, upon my conscience, I think it's civil in me to give you
a choice."
What a pretty disclosure was here! So that while I was imaging myself
squeezing the hand and winning the heart of the fair Mary Anne, I was
merely making a case of strong evidence for a jury, that might expose me
to the world, and half ruin me in damages. There was but one course
open--to make a fight for it; and, from what I saw of my friend Mark
Anthony, this did not seem difficult.
I accordingly assumed a high tone--laughed at the entire affair--said it
was a "way we had in the army"--that "we never meant any thing by it,"
&c. &c.
In a few minutes I perceived the bait was taking. Mr. Fitzpatrick's west
country blood was up: all thought of the legal resource was abandoned;
and he flung out of the room to find a friend, I having given him the
name of "one of ours" as mine upon the occasion.
Very little time was lost, for before three o'clock that afternoon a
meeting was fixed for the following morning at the North Bull; and I had
the satisfaction of hearing that I only escaped the malignant eloquence
of Holmes in the King's Bench, to be "blazed" at by the best shot on the
western circuit. The thought was no way agreeable, and I indemnified
myself for the scrape by a very satisfactory anathema upon the high
sheriff and his ball, and his confounded saucepans; for to the lady's
sympathy for my sufferings I attributed much of my folly.
At eight the next morning I found myself standing with Curzon and the
doctor upon that bleak portion of her majesty's dominion they term the
North Bull, waiting in a chilly rain, and a raw fog, till it pleased Mark
Anthony Fitzpatrick, to come and shoot me--such being the precise terms
of our combat, in the opinion of all parties.
The time, however, passed on, and half-past eight, three quarters, and at
last nine o'clock, without his appearing; when, just as Curzon had
resolved upon our leaving the ground, a hack jaunting-car was seen
driving at full speed along the road near us. It came nearer and at
length drew up; two men leaped off and came towards us; one of whom, as
he came forward, took off his hat politely, and introduced himself as Mr.
O'Gorman, the fighting friend of Mark Anthony.
"It's a mighty unpleasant business I'm come upon, gentlemen," said he,
"Mr. Fitzpatrick has been unavoidedly prevented from having the happiness
to meet you this morning--"
"Then you can't expect us, sir, to dance attendance upon him here
to-morrow," said Curzon, interrupting.
"By no manner of means," replied the other, placidly; "for it would be
equally inconvenient for him to be here then. But I have only to say,
maybe you'd have the kindness to waive all etiquette, and let me stand in
his place."
"Certainly and decidedly not," said Curzon. "Waive etiquette!--why, sir,
we have no quarrel with you; never saw you before."
"Well, now, isn't this hard?" said Mr. O'Gorman, addressing his friend,
who stood by with a pistol-case under his arm; "but I told Mark that I
was sure they'd be standing upon punctilio, for they were English. Well,
sir," said he, turning towards Curzon, "there's but one way to arrange it
now, that I see. Mr. Fitzpatrick, you must know, was arrested this
morning for a trifle of L140. If you or your friend there, will join us
in the bail we can get him out, and he'll fight you in the morning to
your satisfaction."
When the astonishment this proposal had created subsided, we assured
Mr. O'Gorman that we were noways disposed to pay such a price for our
amusement--a fact that seemed considerably to surprise both him and his
friend--and adding, that to Mr. Fitzpatrick personally, we should feel
bound to hold ourselves pledged at a future period, we left the ground,
Curzon laughing heartily at the original expedient thus suggested, and I
inwardly pronounced a most glowing eulogy on the law of imprisonment for
debt.
Before Mr. Fitzpatrick obtained the benefit of the act, we were ordered
abroad, and I have never since heard of him.