MR. O'LEARY'S FIRST LOVE.
"It was during the vice-royalty of the late Duke of Richmond that the
incidents I am about to mention took place. That was a few years since,
and I was rather younger, and a little more particular about my dress
than at present." Here the little man cast an eye of stoical
satisfaction upon his uncouth habiliments, that nearly made us forget our
compact, and laugh outright. "Well, in those wild and headstrong days of
youthful ardour, I fell in love--desperately in love--and as always is, I
believe, the case with our early experiments in that unfortunate passion,
the object of my affection was in every way unsuited to me. She was a
tall, dark-haired, dark-eyed maiden, with a romantic imagination, and a
kind of a half-crazed poetic fervour, that often made me fear for her
intellect. I'm a short, rather fat--I was always given this way"--here
he patted a waistcoat that would fit Dame Lambert--"happy-minded little
fellow, that liked my supper of oysters at the Pigeon-house, and my other
creature-comforts, and hated every thing that excited or put one out of
one's way, just as I would have hated a blister. Then, the devil would
have it--for as certainly as marriages are made in heaven, flirtations
have something to say to the other place--that I should fall most
irretrievably in love with Lady Agnes Moreton. Bless my soul, it
absolutely puts me in a perspiration this hot day, just to think over all
I went through on her account; for, strange to say, the more I appeared
to prosper in her good graces, the more did she exact on my part; the
pursuit was like Jacob's ladder--if it did lead to heaven it was
certainly an awfully long journey, and very hard on one's legs. There
was not an amusement she could think of, no matter how unsuited to my
tastes or my abilities, that she did not immediately take a violent fancy
to; and then there was no escaping, and I was at once obliged to go with
the tide, and heaven knows if it would not have carried me to my grave if
it were not for the fortunate (I now call it) accident that broke off the
affair for ever. One time she took a fancy for yachting, and all the
danglers about her--and she always had a cordon of them--young
aides-de-camp of her father the general, and idle hussars, in clanking
sabertasches and most absurd mustachios--all approved of the taste, and
so kept filling her mind with anecdotes of corsairs and smugglers, that
at last nothing would satisfy her till I--I who always would rather have
waited for low water, and waded the Liffey in all its black mud, than
cross over in the ferry-boat, for fear of sickness--I was obliged to put
an advertisement in the newspaper for a pleasure-boat, and, before three
weeks, saw myself owner of a clinker-built schooner, of forty-eight tons,
that by some mockery of fortune was called 'The Delight.' I wish you saw
me, as you might have done every morning for about a month, as I stood on
the Custom-house quay, giving orders for the outfit of the little craft.
At first, as she bobbed and pitched with the flood-tide, I used to be a
little giddy and rather qualmish, but at last I learned to look on
without my head reeling. I began to fancy myself very much of a sailor,
a delusion considerably encouraged by a huge P. jacket and a sou'-wester,
both of which, though it was in the dog-days, Agnes insisted upon my
wearing, saying I looked more like Dirk Hatteraick, who, I understood,
was one of her favourite heroes in Walter Scott. In fact, after she
suggested this, she and all her friends called me nothing but Dirk.
"Well, at last, after heaven knows how many excuses on my part, and
entreaties for delay, a day was appointed for our first excursion. I
shall never forget that day--the entire night before it I did not close
my eyes; the skipper had told me in his confounded sea-jargon, that if
the wind was in one quarter we should have a short tossing sea; and if in
another a long rolling swell; and if in a third, a happy union of both
--in fact, he made it out that it could not possibly blow right, an
opinion I most heartily coincided in, and most devoutly did I pray for a
calm, that would not permit of our stirring from our moorings, and thus
mar our projected party of pleasure. My prayer was unheard, but my hopes
rose on the other hand, for it blew tremendously during the entire night,
and although there was a lull towards morning, the sea, even in the
river, was considerable.
"I had just come to the conclusion that I was safe for this time, when
the steward poked his head into the room and said,
"'Mr. Brail wishes to know, sir, if he'll bend the new mainsail to-day,
as it's blowing rather fresh, and he thinks the spars light.'
"'Why the devil take him, he would not have us go out in a hurricane;
surely, Pipes, we could not take out ladies to-day?'
"'O, bless your heart, yes, sir; it blows a bit to be sure, but she's a
good sea-boat, and we can run for Arklow or the Hook, if it comes
fresher.'
"'Oh, nonsense, there's no pleasure in that; besides I'm sure they won't
like it--the ladies won't venture, you'll see.'
"'Ay sir, but they're all on board already: there's eight ladies in the
cabin, and six on deck, and as many hampers of victuals and as much
crockery as if we were a-goin' to Madeira. Captain Grantham, sir, the
soldier officer, with the big beard, is a mixing punch in the grog-tub.'
"'From the consequences of this day I proclaim myself innocent,' said I
with a solemn voice, as I drew on my duck trowsers, and prepared to set
out.
"'And the mainsail, sir,' said the steward, not understanding what I
said.
"'I care not which,' said I, doggedly; 'act or part in this wilful
proceeding I'll not take.'
"'Ay, ay, sir,' said the stupid wretch, 'then I'll say you're coming, and
he may stretch the large canvas; for the skipper says he likes a wet
jacket when he has gentlemen out.'
"Never did a victim put on a flame-coloured garment, the emblem of fate,
and set out on the march of death, with a heavier heart, than did I put
on my pilot-coat that morning to join my friends.
"My last hope deserted me as I saw the little vessel lying beside the
quay; for I continued to trust that in getting out from the dock some
accident or mischance might occur to spoil our sport. But no; there she
lay, rolling and pitching in such a way that, even at anchor, they could
not stand on the deck without holding. Amid the torrent of compliments
for the perfection of all my arrangements, and innumerable sweet things
on my taste in the decoration and fitting up of my cabin, I scarcely felt
myself afloat for some minutes, and we got under weigh amid a noise and
uproar that absolutely prevented the possibility of thought.
"Hitherto our destination had not been mentioned, and as all the party
appealed to Lady Agnes, I could not be less gallant, and joined them in
their request.
"'Well then, what do you think of Lambay?' said she, looking at the same
moment towards the skipper.
"'We can make it, my lady,' said the man, 'but we'll have a roughish sea
of it, for there's a strong point of westward in the wind.'
"'Then don't think of it,' said I. 'We have come out for pleasure, not
to make our friends sick, or terrify them. It does very well for us
men.'
"'There you are, Dirk, with your insolent sneers about women's nerves and
female cowardice. Now, nothing but Lambay will content me--what say you,
ladies?'
"A general reply of approval met this speech, and it was carried by
acclamation.
"'Lambay then be it,' said I, with the voice of a man, who, entreating to
be shot, is informed that he cannot be afforded that pleasure, as his
sentence is to be hanged. But I must hasten over these painful
recollections. We dropped down the river, and soon left the light-house
and its long pier behind us, the mast bending like a whip, and the sea
boiling like barm over the lee gunwale. Still the spirit of our party
only rose the lighter, and nothing but eulogies upon the men and sailing
of the craft resounded on all sides; the din and buz of the conversation
went on only more loudly and less restrictedly than if the party had been
on shore, and all, even myself, seemed happy, for up to this moment I had
not been sea-sick, yet certain pleasant sensations, that alternately
evinced themselves in my stomach and my head, warned me of what was in
store for me. The word was now given to tack; I was in the act of
essaying a soft speech to Lady Agnes, when the confounded cry of 'ready
about, starboard there, let go sheets and tacks, stand by, hawl.' The
vessel plunged head-foremost into the boiling sea, which hissed on either
bow; the heavy boom swung over, carrying my hat along with it--and almost
my head too. The rest of the party, possibly better informed than
myself, speedily changed their places to the opposite side of the boat,
while I remained holding off fast by the gunwale, till the sea rushing
over, what was now becoming the lee-side, carried me head over heels into
the shingle ballast in the waist. Lord, how they did laugh! Agnes, too,
who never before could get beyond a very faint smile, grew almost
hysterical at my performance. As for me, I only wanted this to complete
my long threatened misfortune; sea sickness in all its most miserable
forms, set in upon me, and, ere half an hour, I lay upon that heap of
small stones, as indifferent to all round and about me as though I were
dead. Oh, the long, dreary hours of that melancholy day; it seemed like
a year. They tacked and tacked, they were beat and tacked again, the sea
washing over me, and the ruffianly sailors trampling upon me without the
slightest remorse, whenever they had any occasion to pass back or
forward. From my long trance of suffering I was partly roused by the
steward shaking my shoulder, saying,
"'The gentlemen wish to know, sir, if you'd like summat to eat, as
they're a goin' to have a morsel; we are getting into slack water now.'
"'Where are we?' I replied, in a sepulchral voice.
"'Off the Hook, sir; we have had a most splendid run, but I fear we'll
catch it soon; there's some dirty weather to the westward.'
"'God grant it,' said I, piously and in a low tone.
"'Did you say you'd have a bit to eat. Sir?'
"'No!--eat!--am I a cannibal?--eat--go away--mark me, my good fellow,
I'll pay you your wages, if ever we get ashore; you'll never set another
foot aboard with me.'
"The man looked perfectly astounded as he moved away, and my thoughts
were soon engrossed by the proceedings near me. The rattle of knives,
and the jingling of plates and glasses went on very briskly for some
time, accompanied by various pleasant observations of my guests, for such
I judged them, from the mirth which ever followed them. At last I
thought I heard my name, or at least what they pleased to use as its
substitute, mentioned; I strained my ears to listen, and learnt that they
were planning to talk over the pretended intention to run for Cowes, and
see the regatta. This they discussed then, for about twenty minutes, in
a very loud voice, purposely to see its effects upon me; but as I was now
aware of the trick, I gave no sign of any intelligence.
"'Poor Dirk,' said Grantham; 'I believe by this time he cares very little
which way her head lies; but here comes something better than all our
discussions. Lady Agnes, sit here--Miss Pelham, here's a dry cushion for
you--did you say a wing, Lady Mary?'
"Now began the crash and clatter of dinner; champagne corks popping,
glasses ringing, and all that peculiar admixture of fracas and fun, which
accompanies a scrambled meal. How they did laugh, and eat, ay, and drink
too. G's punch seemed to have its success, for sick as I was, I could
perceive the voices of the men grow gradually louder, and discovered that
two gentlemen who had been remarkably timid in the morning, and scarcely
opened their lips, were now rather uproariously given, and one even
proposed to sing.
"If any man, thought I, were to look for an instant at the little scene
now enacting here, what a moral might he reap from it; talk of the base
ingratitude of the world, you cannot say too much of it. Who would
suppose that it was my boat these people were assembled in; that it was
my champagne these people were drinking; that my venison and my pheasants
were feeding those lips, which rarely spoke, except to raise a jest at my
expense. My chagrin increased my sickness and my sickness redoubled my
chagrin.
"'Mr. Brail,' said I, in a low whisper, 'Mr. Brail.'
"'Did you speak, sir?' said he, with about as much surprise in his
manner, as though he had been addressed by a corpse.
"'Mr. Brail,' said I, 'is there any danger here?'
"'Lord love you, no, sir, she's walking Spanish, and the sea going down;
we shall have lovely weather, and they're all enjoying it, sir,--the
ladies.'
"'So I perceive,' said I, with a groan; 'so I perceive; but Mr. Brail,
could you do nothing--just to--to startle them a little, I mean for fun
only? Just ship a heavy sea or two, I don't care for a little damage,
Mr. Brail, and if it were to wash over the dinner-service, and all the
wine, I should not like it worse.'
"'Why, sir, you are getting quite funny, the sickness is going.'
"'No, Mr. Brail, worse than ever; my head is in two pieces, and my
stomach in the back of my mouth; but I should like you to do this--so
just manage it, will you, and there's twenty pounds in my pocket-book,
you can have it; there now, won't you oblige me, and hark ye, Mr. Brail
--if Captain Grantham were to be washed over by mere accident it cannot
be helped; accidents are always occurring in boating parties. Go now,
you know what I mean.'
"'But sir,' began he.
"'Well, then, Mr. Brail, you won't--very well: now all I have to say is
this: that the moment I can find strength to do it, I'll stave out a
plank; I'll scuttle the vessel, that's all; I have made up my mind, and
look to yourselves now.'
"Saying these words, I again threw myself upon the ballast, and, as the
gay chorus of a drinking song was wafted across me, prayed devoutly that
we might all go down to the bottom. The song over, I heard a harsh,
gruff voice mixing with the more civilized tones of the party, and soon
perceived that Mr. Brail was recounting my proposal amid the most
uproarious shouts of laughter I ever listened to. Then followed a number
of pleasant suggestions for my future management; one proposing to have
me tried for mutiny, and sentenced to a ducking over the side, another
that I should be tarred on my back, to which latter most humane notion,
the fair Agnes subscribed, averring that she was resolved upon my
deserving my sobriquet of Dirk Hatteraick. My wrath was now the master
even of deadly sickness. I got upon my knees, and having in vain tried
to reach my legs, I struggled aft. In this posture did I reach the
quarter-deck. What my intention precisely was in this excursion, I have
no notion of now, but I have some very vague idea, that I meant to
re-enact the curse of Kehama upon the whole party. At last I mustered
strength to rise; but alas! I had scarcely reached the standing position,
when a tremendous heel of the boat to one side, threw me in the gunwale,
and before I was able to recover my balance, a second lurch pitched me
headlong into the sea. I have, thank God, no further recollection of my
misfortunes. When I again became conscious, I found myself wrapped up in
a pilot-coat, while my clothes were drying: the vessel was at anchor in
Wexford. My attached friends had started for town with post-horses,
leaving me no less cured of love than aquatics.
"'The Delight' passed over in a few days, to some more favoured son of
Neptune, and I hid my shame and my misfortunes by a year's tour on the
continent."
"Although I acknowledge," said Trevanion, "that hitherto I have reaped no
aid from Mr. O'Leary's narrative, yet I think it is not without a moral."
"Well, but," said I, "he has got another adventure to tell us; we have
quite time for it, so pray pass the wine and let us have it."
"I have just finished the burgundy," said O'Leary, "and if you will ring
for another flask, I have no objection to let you hear the story of my
second love."