mean to tarry in it longer than I first intended. So I shall go on
taking my ease until you have finished the whole discourse appointed, of
which you have left out one part that you mentioned in the
beginning—that is, practical jokes; and it is not right for you to cheat
the company of this. But as you have taught us many fine things about
pleasantries, and have made us bold to use them by the example of so
many singular geniuses, great men, princes, kings, and popes,—so too in
practical jokes I think you will give us such daring that we shall
venture to try some even upon you.”
Then messer Bernardo said, laughing:
“You will not be the first; but perhaps you may not succeed, for I have
already endured so many of them that I am on my guard against
everything, like dogs who are afraid of cold water after once being
scalded with hot. However, since you will have me speak of this also, I
think I can despatch it in a few words.
85.—“It seems to me that practical joking is naught else but friendly
deceit in things that do not offend or that offend only a little. And
just as in pleasantry it arouses laughter to say something contrary to
expectation, so in practical joking it arouses laughter to do something
contrary to expectation. And the cleverer and more discreet these jokes
are, the more they please and are applauded; for he often gives offence
who tries to play a practical joke recklessly, and afterwards quarrels
and serious enmities arise in consequence.
“But the occasions that give opportunity for practical jokes are nearly
the same as in the case of pleasantries. So not to repeat them, I will
merely say that practical jokes are of two kinds, each of which kinds
might be further divided into classes. One kind is where anyone is
cleverly tricked in a fine and amusing manner; the other is where a net
is cast, as it were, and a little bait is offered, so that the victim
himself hastens to be tricked.
“Of the first kind was the joke that two great ladies, whom I do not
wish to name, lately had played upon them by means of a Spaniard called
Castillo.”[305]
Then my lady Duchess said:
“And why do you not wish to name them?”
Messer Bernardo replied:
“I would not have them take offence.”
My lady Duchess answered, laughing:
“It is not amiss to play jokes now and then even upon great lords.
Indeed I have heard of many being played upon Duke Federico, upon King
Alfonso of Aragon, upon Queen Isabella of Spain, and upon many other
great princes; and they not only did not take offence, but rewarded the
perpetrators liberally.”
Messer Bernardo replied:
“Not even for the hope of reward will I name those ladies.”
“As you please,” answered my lady Duchess.
Then messer Bernardo went on to say:
“It is not long since there arrived at the court (of I know whom) a
Bergamasque rustic on business for a courtier gentleman; and this rustic
was so well attired and elegantly appointed that, although he had been
only used to tend cattle and knew no other trade, anyone who did not
hear him speak would have taken him for a gallant cavalier. Now, being
told that a Spanish follower of Cardinal Borgia[306] had arrived, and
that he was called Castillo and was exceedingly clever, a musician, a
dancer, a _ballatore_,[307] and the most accomplished Courtier in all
Spain,—these two ladies were filled with extreme desire to speak with
him, and straightway sent for him. And after receiving him with
ceremony, they made him sit down and began to speak to him with the
greatest distinction before all the company; and there were few of those
present who did not know that the fellow was a Bergamasque cow-herd. So
when these ladies were seen entertaining him with so much respect and
honouring him so signally, the laughter was very hearty, the more so as
the good man spoke his native Bergamasque dialect all the while.[308]
But the gentlemen who played the trick had told these ladies in the
beginning that he was among other things a great joker, and spoke all
languages admirably and especially rustic Lombard. Thus they continually
imagined that he was pretending, and they often turned to each other
with an air of surprise, and said: ‘Listen to this prodigy, how well he
counterfeits the language!’ In short, the conversation lasted so long
that everyone’s sides ached from laughing; and he himself could not help
giving so many tokens of his gentility that even these ladies were at
last convinced, albeit with great difficulty, that he was what he was.
86.—“We meet practical jokes of this kind every day; but among the rest
those are amusing which at first excite alarm and turn out well in the
end; for even the victim laughs at himself when he sees that his fears
were groundless.
“For instance, I was staying at Paglia[309] one night, and in the same
inn where I was there happened to be three companions besides myself
(two from Pistoia and the other from Prato), who sat down to play after
supper, as men often do. They had not been playing long before one of
the two Pistoians lost all he had and was left without a farthing, so
that he began to lament and to curse and swear roundly; and he retired
to sleep blaspheming thus. After gaming awhile, the other two resolved
to play a trick upon the one who had gone to bed. So, making sure that
he was really asleep, they put out all the lights and covered the fire;
then they began to talk loud and to make as much noise as they could,
pretending to quarrel over their play, and one of them said: ‘You’ve
drawn the under card;’ and the other denied it, saying: ‘And you have
wagered on four of a suit; let us deal again;’[310] and the like, with
such an uproar that the sleeper awoke. And perceiving that his friends
were playing and talking as if they saw the cards, he rubbed his eyes a
little, and seeing no light in the room, he said: ‘What the devil do you
mean by shouting all night?’ Then he lay back again as if to go to
sleep.
“His two friends made no reply, but went on as before; whereat the man
began to wonder (now that he was more awake) and seeing that there was
really no fire or glimmer of any kind, and that still his friends were
playing and quarrelling, he said: ‘And how can you see the cards without
light?’ One of the two replied: ‘You must have lost your sight along
with your money; don’t you see with these two candles we have here?’ The
man who was abed lifted himself upon his arms, and said rather angrily:
‘Either I am drunk or blind, or you are lying.’ The two got up and
groped their way to the bed, laughing and pretending to think that he
was making sport of them; and still he answered: ‘I say I do not see
you.’ Finally the two began to feign great surprise, and one said to the
other: ‘Alas, methinks he speaks the truth. Hand me that candle, and let
us see if perchance there is something wrong with his sight.’ Then the
poor fellow took it for certain that he had become blind, and weeping
bitterly he said: ‘Oh my brothers, I am blind;’ and he at once began to
call on Our Lady of Loreto, and to implore her to pardon the blasphemies
and maledictions that he had heaped upon her for the loss of his money.
His two companions kept comforting him, and said: ‘It can’t be that you
do not see us; ’tis some fancy you’ve got into your head.’ ‘Alas,’
replied the other, ‘this is no fancy, for I see no more than as if I had
never had any eyes in my head.’ ‘Yet your sight is clear,’ replied the
two, and one said to the other: ‘See how well he opens his eyes! And how
bright they are! Who could believe that he doesn’t see?’ The unhappy man
wept more loudly all the while, and begged mercy of God.
“At last they said to him: ‘Make a vow to go in penance to Our Lady of
Loreto,[311] barefoot and naked, for this is the best remedy that can be
found; and meanwhile we will go to Acquapendente[312] and those other
places hard by to see some doctor, nor will we fail to do everything we
can for you.’ Then the poor fellow quickly knelt by his bed, and with
endless tears and bitter penitence for his blasphemy he made a solemn
vow to go naked to Our Lady of Loreto, and to offer her a pair of silver
eyes, and to eat no flesh on Wednesday or eggs on Friday, and to fast on
bread and water every Saturday in honour of Our Lady, if she would grant
him the mercy of restoring his sight. His two companions went into
another room, struck a light, and laughing their very loudest, came back
to the unhappy man, who was relieved of his great anguish, as you may
imagine, but was so stunned by the terror that he had passed through,
that he could neither laugh nor even speak; and his two companions did
nothing but tease him, saying that he must fulfil all his vows, because
he had obtained the mercy which he sought.
87.—“Of the other kind of practical joke, where a man deceives himself,
I shall give no other example than the one that was played on me not
very long ago.
“During the last carnival, my friend Monsignor of San Pietro ad
Vincula[313] (who knows how fond I am of playing tricks on the friars
when I am masked, and who had carefully arranged beforehand what he
meant to do) came one day with Monsignor of Aragon[314] and a few other
cardinals, to certain windows in the _Banchi_,[315] ostensibly for the
purpose of seeing the maskers pass, as the custom is at Rome. I came
along in my mask, and seeing a friar (somewhat apart) who had a little
air of hesitation, I thought I had found my chance and rushed upon him
like a hungry falcon on its prey. And first having asked him who he was
and received his answer, I pretended to know him, and with many words
began to make him think that the chief constable was out in search of
him (because of certain evil reports that had been received against
him), and to urge him to go with me to the Chancery,[316] where I would
put him in safety. Frightened and trembling from head to foot, the friar
seemed not to know what to do and said he feared being taken if he went
far from San Celso.[317] I said so much to encourage him, however, that
he mounted my crupper; and then I thought I had fully succeeded in my
scheme. So I at once began to make for the _Banchi_, my horse frisking
and kicking the while. Now imagine what a fine sight a friar made on a
masker’s crupper, with cloak flying and head tossed to and fro, and
looking all the time as if he were about to fall.
“At this fine spectacle those gentlemen began to throw eggs on us from
the windows, as did all the _Banchi_ people and everyone who was
there,—so that hail never fell from heaven with greater violence than
from those windows fell the eggs, most of which came on me. Being masked
as I was, I did not care and thought that all the laughter was for the
friar and not for me; and so I went up and down the _Banchi_ several
times with this fury always at my back, although the friar with tears in
his eyes begged me to let him dismount and not to shame his cloth in
this way. Then the knave had eggs given him on the sly by some lackeys
stationed there for the purpose, and pretending to hold me fast to keep
from falling, he broke them over my breast, often over my head, and
sometimes on my very brow, until I was completely bedaubed. Finally,
when everyone was weary both of laughing and of throwing eggs, he jumped
off my crupper, and pushing back his cowl showed me his long hair, and
said: ‘Messer Bernardo, I am one of the grooms at San Pietro ad Vincula,
and it is I who take care of your little mule.’
“I know not which was then greatest, my grief, my anger, or my shame.
However, as the least of evils, I set out fast for home, and dared not
make an appearance the next morning; but the laughter raised by this
trick lasted not only the next day, but nearly until now.”
88.—And so, after they had again laughed awhile at the story, messer
Bernardo continued:
“There is another very amusing kind of practical joke, which gives
opportunity for pleasantry as well, when we pretend to think that a man
wishes to do something which in fact he does not wish to do. For
instance, one evening after supper, when I was on the bridge at Lyons
and jesting with Cesare Beccadello[318] as we walked along, we began to
seize each other by the arm as if we were bent on wrestling, for by
chance no one else appeared on the bridge at the time. While we were
standing thus, two Frenchmen came up, and on seeing our dispute they
asked what the matter was, and stopped to try to separate us, thinking
that we were quarrelling in earnest. Then I said quickly: ‘Help me,
Sirs, for this poor gentleman loses his reason at certain changes of the
moon, and you see he is now trying to throw himself off the bridge into
the water.’ Thereupon these two men ran, and with my aid seized Cesare
and held him very tight; and he, telling me all the while that I was
mad, tried harder to free himself from their hands, and they held him
all the tighter. Thus the passers-by gathered to look at the
disturbance, and everyone ran up. And the more poor Cesare struck out
with his hands and feet (for he was now beginning to grow angry), the
more people arrived; and from the great effort that he made, they fully
believed he was trying to jump into the river, and on that account held
him the tighter. So that a great crowd of men carried him bodily to the
inn, all dishevelled, capless, pale with anger and shame; for nothing he
said availed him, partly because the Frenchmen did not understand him,
and also partly because, as I walked along leading them to the inn, I
kept lamenting the poor man’s misfortune in being thus stricken mad.
89.—“Now, as we have said, it would be possible to talk at length about
practical jokes; but suffice it to repeat that the occasions which give
opportunity for them are the same as in the case of pleasantries.
Moreover we have an infinity of examples because we see them every day.
Among others there are many amusing ones in the _Novelle_ of Boccaccio,
like those which Bruno and Buffalmacco played upon their friend
Calandrino and upon master Simone,[319] and many others played by women,
that are truly clever and fine.
“I remember having known in my time many other amusing men of this sort,
and among others a certain Sicilian student at Padua, called
Ponzio;[320] who once saw a peasant with a pair of fat capons. And
pretending that he wished to buy them, he struck a bargain, and told the
fellow to come home with him and get some breakfast besides the price
agreed on. So he led the peasant to a place where there was a bell-tower
standing apart from its church[321] so that one could walk around it;
and just opposite one of the four sides of the tower was the end of a
little lane. Here Ponzio, who had already settled what he meant to do,
said to the peasant: ‘I have wagered these capons with one of my
friends, who says that this tower measures quite forty feet around,
while I say it does not. And just before I found you, I had bought this
twine to measure it. Now, before we go home I wish to find out which of
the two has won.’ And so saying, he drew the twine from his sleeve, gave
one end of it to the peasant, and said: ‘Hand them here.’ Thereupon he
took the capons, and holding the other end of the twine as if he were
going to measure, he started to walk around the tower, first making the
peasant stay and hold the twine against that side of it which was
farthest from the one that looked up the little lane. When he reached
this other side, he stuck a nail into the wall, tied the twine to it,
and leaving the man there he quietly went off with the capons up the
little lane. The peasant stood still a long time waiting for Ponzio to
finish the measurement; at last,—after he had several times said: ‘What
are you doing there so long?’—he went to look, and found that it was not
Ponzio who was holding the twine, but a nail stuck in the wall, and that
this was all the pay left him for the capons. Ponzio played numberless
tricks of this sort.
“There have also been many other men who were amusing in like manner,
such as Gonnella, Meliolo in his day,[322] and at the present time our
friends Fra Mariano[60] and Fra Serafino[61] here, and many whom you all
know. And doubtless this method is well enough for men who have no other
business, but I think the Courtier’s practical jokes ought to be
somewhat farther removed from scurrility. Care must be taken also not to
let practical joking degenerate into knavery, as we see in the case of
many rogues, who go through the world with sundry wiles to get money,
now pretending one thing and now another. Moreover the Courtier’s tricks
must not be too rude; and above all let him pay respect and reverence to
women in this as in all other things, and especially where their honour
may be touched.”
90.—Then my lord Gaspar said:
“Indeed, messer Bernardo, you are too partial towards women. And why
would you have men pay more respect to women than women to men? Should
not our honour be as dear to us, forsooth, as theirs to them? Do you
think that women ought to taunt men with words and nonsense without the
least restraint in anything, and that men should quietly endure it and
thank them into the bargain?”
Then messer Bernardo replied:
“I do not say that in their pleasantries and practical jokes women ought
not to use towards men the same respect which we have before described;
but I do say they may taunt men with unchastity more freely than men may
taunt them. And this is because we have made unto ourselves a law,
whereby free living is in us neither vice nor fault nor disgrace, while
in women it is such utter infamy and shame that she of whom evil is once
spoken is disgraced forever, whether the imputation[323] cast upon her
be false or true. Wherefore, since speaking of women’s honour brings
such risk of doing them grievous harm, I say we ought to attack them in
some other way, and to abstain from this; because to strike too hard
with our pleasantries and practical jokes, is to exceed the bounds that
we have before said are befitting a gentleman.”
91.—As messer Bernardo paused a little here, my lord Ottaviano Fregoso
said, laughing:
“My lord Gaspar might answer you that this law you refer to, which we
have made unto ourselves, is perhaps not so unreasonable as it seems to
you. For since women were very imperfect creatures and of little or no
worth in comparison with men, and since of themselves they were not
capable of performing any worthy act,—it was necessary by fear of shame
and infamy to lay upon them a restraint that might impart some quality
of goodness to them almost against their will. And chastity seemed more
needful for them than any other quality, in order to have certainty as
to our offspring; hence it was necessary to use every possible skill,
art and way to make women chaste, and almost to permit them to be of
little worth in all things else and to do constantly the reverse of what
they ought. Therefore, since they are allowed to commit all other faults
without blame, if we taunt them with those defects which (as we have
said) are all permitted to them and therefore not incongruous in them,
and of which they take no heed,—we shall never arouse laughter; for you
said awhile ago that laughter is aroused by certain things that are
incongruous.”
92.—Then my lady Duchess said:
“You speak thus of women, my lord Ottaviano, and then you complain that
they love you not.”
“I do not complain of this,” replied my lord Ottaviano, “but rather
thank them in that they do not, by loving me, force me to love them. Nor
am I speaking my own mind, but saying that my lord Gaspar might use
these arguments.”
Messer Bernardo said:
“Verily it would be a great gain to women if they could conciliate two
such great enemies of theirs as you and my lord Gaspar are.”
“I am not their enemy,” replied my lord Gaspar, “but you are indeed an
enemy of men; for if you would not have women taunted as to their
honour, you ought also to impose on them a law that they shall not taunt
men for that which is as shameful to us as unchastity is to women. And
why was not Alonso Carillo’s retort to my lady Boadilla (about hoping to
escape with his life by being asked to become her husband) as seemly in
him, as it was for her to say that all who knew him thought the king was
about to have him hanged? And why was it not as allowable for Riciardo
Minutoli to deceive Filippello’s wife and get her to go to that resort,
as for Beatrice to make her husband Egano[324] get out of bed and be
cudgelled by Anichino, after she had long been with the latter? And for
that other woman to tie a string to her toe and make her husband believe
that she was someone else?—since you say that these women’s pranks in
Giovanni Boccaccio are so clever and fine.”
93.—Then messer Bernardo said, laughing:
“My Lords, as my task was simply to discuss pleasantries, I do not mean
to go outside my subject. And I think I have already told why it does
not seem to me befitting to attack women in their honour either by word
or deed, and have imposed on them as well a rule that they shall not
touch men in a tender spot.
“As for the pranks and sallies cited by you, my lord Gaspar, I grant
that although what Alonso said to my lady Boadilla may touch a little on
her chastity, it still does not displease me, because it is very remote,
and is so veiled that it may be taken innocently, and the speaker might
disguise his meaning and declare he had not meant it. He said another
that was to my thinking very unseemly. And it was this: as the
queen[325] was passing my lady Boadilla’s house,[280] Alonso saw the
door all blackened with pictures of those indecencies that are painted
about inns in such variety; and turning to the Countess of
Castagneta,[326] he said: ‘There, my Lady, are the heads of the game
that my lady Boadilla slays in hunting every day.’ You see that while
the metaphor is clever and aptly borrowed from hunters (who take pride
in having many heads of beasts fastened on their doors), yet it is
scurrilous and disgraceful. Besides which, it was not an answer to
anything; for it is far less rude to say a thing by way of retort,
because then it seems to have been provoked and needs must be impromptu.
“Returning, however, to the subject of tricks played by women, I do not
say they do well to deceive their husbands, but I say that some of those
deceptions (which Giovanni Boccaccio recounts of women) are fine and
very clever, and especially those which you yourself told. But in my
opinion the trick played by Riciardo Minutoli goes too far, and is much
more heartless than the one played by Beatrice; because Riciardo
Minutoli did much greater wrong to Filippello’s wife than Beatrice did
to her husband Egano, for by his deception Riciardo forced the woman’s
will and made her do with herself something that she did not wish to do,
while Beatrice deceived her husband in order that she might do with
herself something that pleased her.”
94.—Then my lord Gaspar said:
“Beatrice can be excused on no other plea than that of love, which ought
to be allowed in the case of men as well as in that of women.”
Then messer Bernardo replied:
“No doubt the passion of love affords great excuse for every fault. But
for my part I think that a gentleman of worth, who is in love, ought to
be sincere and truthful in this as in all things else; and if it be true
that to betray even an enemy is such a vile act and abominable crime,
consider how much more heinous the offence ought to be deemed when it is
committed against one whom we love.
“Moreover, I think that every gentle lover endures so many toils, so
many vigils, braves so many perils, sheds so many tears, employs so many
means and ways to please the lady of his love,—not chiefly in order to
possess her person, but to capture the fortress of her mind, and to
shatter those hardest diamonds, to melt that coldest ice, that often are
in the tender breast of woman. This, I think, is the true and sound
pleasure and the purposed goal of every noble heart. For myself, were I
in love, I certainly should prefer to be assured that she whom I served
returned my love from her heart and had given me her mind,—without ever
having any other satisfaction from her,—than to enjoy her to the full
against her will; for in such case I should deem myself the master of a
lifeless body. Hence they who pursue their desires by means of such
trickery, which might perhaps be called treachery rather than trickery,
do injury to others; nor have they yet that bliss which is to be desired
in love, if they possess the body without the will.