PROFESSOR TIM
PAUL TWYNING
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PROFESSOR TIM
&
PAUL TWYNING
_Comedies in Three Acts_
BY
GEORGE SHIELS
MACMILLAN & CO, LIMITED
ST. MARTIN’S STREET, LONDON
MCMXXVII
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COPYRIGHT
Printed in Great Britain
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PROFESSOR TIM was first produced in the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, on
Monday, September 14th, 1925, with the following cast:
_John Scally_ ERIC GORMAN
_Mrs. Scally_ SARA ALLGOOD
_Peggy Scally_ EILEEN CROWE
_Professor Tim_ F. J. MC’CORMICK
_James Kilroy_ PETER NOLAN
_Mrs. Kilroy_ CHRISTINE HAYDEN
_Joseph Kilroy_ BARRY FITZGERALD
_Hugh O’Cahan_ P. J. CAROLAN
_Paddy Kinney_ ARTHUR SHIELDS
_Moll Flanagan_ MAUREEN DELANY
_Mr. Allison_ J. STEPHENSON
The Play was produced by M. J. DOLAN.
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PROFESSOR TIM
_A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS_
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CHARACTERS
JOHN SCALLY _A Farmer_
MRS. SCALLY _His Wife_
PEGGY SCALLY _Their Daughter_
PROFESSOR TIM _Mrs. Scally’s Brother_
JAMES KILROY _A Rural Councillor_
MRS. KILROY _His Wife_
JOSEPH KILROY _Their Son_
HUGH O’CAHAN _A Sporting Farmer_
PADDY KINNEY _His Groom_
MOLL FLANAGAN _His Housekeeper_
MR. ALLISON _An Auctioneer_
ACTS I AND III: _JOHN SCALLY’S kitchen_
ACT II: _O’CAHAN’S dining-room_
_The action of the play takes place on the same day._
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ACT I
_JOHN SCALLY’S kitchen. Large and comfortably furnished. A large table
and a small one, a number of chairs, an old lounge, and a tall cupboard
with glass doors above and wooden doors below. The upper part is packed
with china, the under part with linen, etc._
_At the back are two windows and a half-glass door opening to the
farmyard. Another door left communicates with the hall and the other
rooms. Fireplace on the right._
_It is a July morning. A strong sun is shining on the back windows._
_PEGGY SCALLY is doing laundry-work at the larger table. She is an
attractive country girl about twenty-six years old._
PEGGY. I wish this day was finished!
_After a hasty glance at the back windows she takes several
pieces of jewellery from her pocket and places them on a paper.
Before rolling them up she slips a ring on and off her finger,
then puts it with the rest and ties the parcel._
If he would just come now and have it over!
_HUGH O’CAHAN enters on tiptoe at the left. He is twenty-five
years old, dressed in horsey attire which has seen better days,
and has an old riding whip in his hand. He wears neither a
collar nor tie._
O’C. I was listening, Peggy, to make sure you were alone, and heard
you wishing he’d come. Am I the party?
PEGGY. Hugh! how did you get in?
O’C. By the old route, dear; the parlour window.
PEGGY. I suppose you knocked down the plant?
O’C. You and that plant, Peggy! I’ve only touched it once in four
years, and that night there was an eclipse of the moon.
PEGGY. Are you riding?
O’C. No, worse luck. For the first morning in my life I’ve no horse
to ride. Just this whip left.... I wonder how long it is since the
O’Cahans had no horse? How long since the stable at Rush Hill was last
empty? It must be a good few hundred years.
PEGGY. You’d a horse yesterday.
O’C. Yes, Havoc. But he, poor thing, was removed last night after
dark. He went away as sad as a Christian. That left me without a
four-footed animal, save the cat. I’m a pretty handy fellow, Peggy, but
I can’t ride a cat.
PEGGY. Did anyone see you coming in the window?
O’C. Not a soul, Peggy. Your mother’s feeding young calves in the
paddock, your father’s driving out a long string of cows, and hours ago
I saw your brothers and sisters going down the moss road to work. They
were singing like birds.
PEGGY. They’ve gone over to the other farm to make hay.
O’C. Their industry is shocking.
PEGGY. Nobody can say that about you, Hugh.
O’C. That’s the style. Are you set on giving me a final lecture? A
few nice proverbs on the day I’m to be auctioned out would improve me.
Go on, Peggy. Squander your good advice.
PEGGY. I’ve no intention of lecturing, Hugh. A ruined man needs no
lecture. He’s a lecture to look at.
O’C. A ruined man at twenty-five! Talk sense, Peggy. You can’t ruin a
man at that age--not if you broke him in two. I’ve had my fling, Peggy,
it’s all over but the auction, and I don’t regret it.
PEGGY. Just so. [_Takes out packet_] I’ve your ring and presents
here. I want to return them.
O’C. Ah, this is cruel! I hadn’t thought of this. But Lady Fate
doesn’t do her work slipshod. She keeps the big hammer for the last
blow.... But you might keep these things, Peggy--just to spite the hag.
PEGGY. Impossible, Hugh. You must take them back. They’re valuable,
and you may need the money.
O’C. That’s true. I may need the money. [_Takes packet and looks
round._] Have you no fire here?
PEGGY. We let the fire go out after breakfast.
O’C. And where, if it’s a fair question, do you heat your irons?
PEGGY. There’s a fire over in the old kitchen.
O’C. [_going towards back door_]. I’ll add some fuel to it.
PEGGY [_stops him_]. You mustn’t go out there, Hugh! Mother would see
you. Don’t be a fool.... I mean don’t be reckless.
O’C. [_comes back_]. Nothing foolish about me, Peggy. I’ve always
been rather famous for my wisdom. [_Weighing packet_] This was a prudent
investment! Four hundred pounds, I think. Do you remember the day I got
these trinkets, Peggy?
PEGGY. No.
O’C. You mean yes. I remember it too. I’d sold a mare and foal at a
thousand guineas. I was under the impression that you and I were
engaged, and I rushed off and bought these family jewels.... ’Twas all a
mistake. My mistake.
PEGGY. Stop, Hugh. Please. I remember everything far too well.
O’C. And is this the end of the story? Somehow I can’t believe it.
Can you?
PEGGY. We’ve both got to believe it. It’s the only way to end it.
You’re free and so am I.
O’C. Well, I must say you’ve cut it down pretty fine. You’ve left it
to within an hour of the auction to deliver the knock-out.
PEGGY. I left it as long as I could, Hugh--till there wasn’t a gleam
of hope anywhere.
O’C. The auction wasn’t enough of a tragedy for one day! It needed
this to finish it.... Here, will you take these things back?
PEGGY. I can’t, Hugh. And I always told you it was folly to put so
much money in those presents. Something at half a crown would have done
me just as well.
O’C. Perhaps. But I didn’t want a half-crown sweetheart. Nor a
half-crown wife either. A woman at that price is usually very dear in
the end. [_Offers packet_] Here, Peggy. Take them and keep them. They’ll
remind you of a very foolish fellow....
PEGGY. I can’t, Hugh.
O’C. You mean you won’t?
PEGGY. I won’t.
O’C. [_flings packet across kitchen_]. To blazes with that! And with
every romantic thing on earth.
PEGGY [_picks it up_]. I see now what you want. You want mother to
come in. You want to make trouble for me.... Here, put this in your
pocket. You can throw it in the river.
O’C. You live as near the river as I do. Drown them yourself. Make
jam of them if you like.
PEGGY. Well, you needn’t storm. I’ll find some means of returning
them. [_She puts packet in her pocket._]
O’C. I’ll tell you how to dispose of them. Hang them on Joseph
Kilroy. They’ll improve yon cow’s face of his.
PEGGY [_wincing_]. What do you mean, Hugh?
O’C. Ah, you must think Hugh’s mighty green. It’s a wonder the goats
don’t mistake me for brussels sprouts.
PEGGY. You can be very nasty.
O’C. Never without reason. You’ve kept Joseph Kilroy tied to your
apron-strings to see how things would pan out at Rush Hill. He walks
after you like a sheep. I saw you together last night. Is that nasty?
PEGGY. Hugh, you ought to’ve more sense. You never look at my side of
it at all. I’ve three sisters and three brothers, all single. That’s too
many single people in one house.
O’C. Well, why don’t they all get married?
PEGGY. They were waiting for me to break the ice, and I was waiting
for--well, I don’t want to hurt you.
O’C. That’s very considerate.... Didn’t I want you to marry me two
years ago? And who objected?
PEGGY. Everybody objected. They saw the pace you were going and knew
how it would end. Everybody could see that but yourself.
O’C. You were all great prophets! The Wise Men of the East weren’t a
patch on you. But among you you played a pretty safe game anyhow. When I
got a good price for a colt your mother smiled like a basket of cats,
but when I buried one she frowned like a gargoyle.
PEGGY. Whether you got a good price for a colt or buried it made no
difference to me. You know that very well, but in your ugly mood you
won’t admit it.
O’C. Well, it doesn’t matter a pin now anyway. The auction’s at
eleven o’clock. I was sorry this morning, but I’m glad now it’s so near.
Sale or no sale, I’m clearing out to-night.
PEGGY. Do you mind telling me where you’re going?
O’C. I wouldn’t mind telling anybody if I knew myself. But I’ve no
plans. I may go to South America or Australia. Some place where the
horse isn’t doomed for another generation.
PEGGY. You and the horse!
O’C. Yes, me and the horse! You’ll have no trouble on that score with
Joseph Kilroy. He couldn’t lead a horse to the forge.
PEGGY. All the better for himself.
O’C. As I said, I can go wherever I please. I’ve no home ties. I’m
that rare bird you often hear about in Ireland but seldom see--the last
man of his race.
PEGGY. Well, Hugh, mother ’ill be in soon. I must say good-bye.
O’C. Is that the whole farewell? Not even a handshake?
PEGGY. What’s the good of it?
O’C. None. It takes two to get the good of it. [_Buttoning his
jacket_] I apologise, Peggy, for having crossed your path.
PEGGY. And I for crossing yours.
O’C. You crossed mine at a critical time. I was twenty and riding
straight for the cliff. If you’d followed up your success and married me
there’d be no auction to-day.
PEGGY. If!
O’C. You needn’t have drawn my attention to that “if.” I know all
about it. My whole life has been a series of “ifs.” If an old woman
hadn’t put out her washing on a certain day, I wouldn’t have been an
orphan at three years old. If a gust of wind hadn’t blown her washing
across the road, my father’s horse would have trotted on home....
PEGGY. Stop, Hugh! Please. I know the rest.
O’C. If they’d kept the news from mother for three days she might
have survived the shock, and so might the infant brother....
PEGGY. Hugh!
O’C. If I hadn’t missed a train by two seconds I’d have a profession
to-day. If Uncle Hugh hadn’t run to catch a train by two seconds, he’d
be in Rush Hill and no auction to-day.
PEGGY. You’re only reciting every man’s story, Hugh ... and many a
woman’s.
O’C. It’s all blind and stupid and insolent. But one needn’t quarrel
with such despotism. I’m going, Peggy. If I don’t see you again--good
luck, good health, and good-bye. [_He is going off left._]
PEGGY. A moment, Hugh. Here’s a clean collar. You look ghastly
without a collar.
O’C. [_turns back_]. Gad, but that’s just like you, Peggy!... They
say it’s unlucky to turn back, but I think I can risk it. [_Putting on
collar_] This is like dressing a man before he goes out to be hanged.
PEGGY. I’ll get you a clean handkerchief. [_She gets one, rolls the
jewellery in it and puts it in his pocket._]
O’C. Sing something, Peggy.
PEGGY. I don’t feel that way inclined. Sing something yourself.
O’C [_sings_]. “Down by the salley gardens, my love and I did
meet....”
PEGGY. Hugh O’Cahan, are you mad?
O’C. No, nor sad. You challenged me to sing.
PEGGY. God knows how men are built! I think if I were in your shoes
this morning I should drown myself.
O’C. A lot of good that would do. The old world would go on spinning
as before. I don’t suppose they’d postpone the auction [_putting on the
tie_]. I believe a great many people ought to be drowned at baptism,
Peggy. It’s about their only chance of ever seeing the gates of heaven,
and ’twould save a lot of trouble down here later on. But there’s no
sense in letting a fellow grow up wild and then expect him to take a
near cut to the everlasting devil. I prefer Australia.
PEGGY. Don’t talk wild, Hugh. You know I didn’t mean it.
O’C. Are you getting afraid I might take a dip? You needn’t. I’ll die
in my own comfortable bed at 103, surrounded by--that’ll depend on what
I have to leave the watchers. No cash--no tears, no prayers, no
flowers.... How does this collar and tie sit me?
PEGGY. All right. They improve you.
O’C. Well, thank you for them very much. I’m off. Vale. [_He goes out
left, singing_] “She told me to take life easy, as the leaves grow on
the tree....”
PEGGY [_listens_]. I hope he doesn’t knock down the plant.... He
never asked me to go with him. [_Listens._] No, he’s out past it.... He
might have kissed me, just once. [_She works quietly and shakes the
water from her eyes._] Well, well!
_MRS. SCALLY comes in back. She is a sharp looking woman, aged
sixty, an ex-schoolmistress. She has a paper and some mail in
her hand._
MRS. S. Did I not hear voices, Peggy?
PEGGY. There’s nobody here, mother. Is the post past?
MRS. S. Yes.
PEGGY. Nothing for me?
MRS. S. Nothing. [_Glancing at her_] You’ve been crying.
PEGGY. That’s nothing new.
MRS. S. Nothing new! What have you got to cry about?
PEGGY. I don’t really know. The tears just come, and then I just let
them come. It’s very silly.
MRS. S. That blackguard O’Cahan is likely to come over here to say
good-bye. He’s going away after the auction. You mustn’t see him.
PEGGY. Hugh O’Cahan is no blackguard! He’s worth a gross of the
people who’ve helped to drag him down.
MRS. S. Oh, indeed! Is that the way of it? Are you going to turn on
me because he’s left you in the lurch?
PEGGY. I’m sorry, mother. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.
But you mightn’t try to hurt me. My three sisters can sneer quite enough
without your assistance.
MRS. S. I said Hugh O’Cahan was a blackguard, and I repeat it.
PEGGY. What exactly do you mean by a blackguard, mother?
MRS. S. A worthless scoundrel.
PEGGY. O’Cahan’s a fool. A fool to’ve gone in for horse-dealing with
a pack of thieves. That’s the worst can be said about him. If he were
vicious would ever I have spoken to him?
MRS. S. Perhaps not--if you knew it.... When you finish what you’re
at, prepare the front bedroom. Your uncle has arrived in London from the
Far East and is coming to see us. Professor Tim.
PEGGY. Pardon me, mother. You oughtn’t to call him a professor. He
isn’t a real professor.
MRS. S. Well, of course, you with your convent training will know
better than your mother. What then do you call him?
PEGGY. If he can be called anything in particular it’s a diviner.
MRS. S. Dear bless me. A diviner?
PEGGY. Yes, mother. A water-diviner. A person who can locate water
with a hazel rod is called a diviner.
MRS. S. Well, while he remains here, he’s a professor. That’ll give
the neighbours something to talk about.
PEGGY. I should say it will.
MRS. S. It’s twenty years since he was last here. He was then
studying Geology. If by this time he isn’t a fully-fledged
professor--I’m mistaken.... I think you ought to be rather pleased that
your mother’s only brother is a cut above the ordinary. Your father’s
people aren’t much. Pig-dealers.
_JOHN SCALLY comes in back. He is a sturdy little man with a
thick brown beard, and ten years younger than his wife. He
carries the salley switch with which he drove out the cows._
JOHN. By the hokey, Briget, this is grand news! Outrageous. When’s
Professor Tim coming?
MRS. S. He doesn’t say when. He’s just arrived in London from Africa.
He may come here any day.
JOHN. I’ll be outrageous glad to see Professor Tim. Glad on your
account, Briget, and glad on his own.... But, three guesses, who’s
coming down our lane at this minute?
MRS. S. Himself! The Professor.
JOHN. Wrong, Briget. Guess again.
MRS. S. Ach, don’t annoy me! Who’s coming?
JOHN. Mr. James J. Kilroy, the Rural Councillor, and his son Joseph.
Hey! there’s more news for you.
MRS. S. Well, keep on your head, John. We don’t owe the Kilroys
anything.
JOHN. They’re driving. An atrocious fine pony and rubber-wheel trap.
I wonder what they want here, Briget. Such grand people.
MRS. S. They’ll probably be able to explain that when they come in.
If their grandeur frightens you, it doesn’t frighten me. Go and meet
them and take them round to the hall door. And no scraping or touching
your hat to them. Don’t be a serf.
JOHN. You’re a wonderful woman [_going_]. Outrageous.
MRS. S. Stop a minute, John. How often have I told you to stop using
those two big words, outrageous and atrocious? Flinging them round you
like paving-stones, and the whole parish laughing at you.
JOHN. It’s just a habit, Briget. Only a habit. I’ve tried my best to
drop them, but it beats me. I must try again. [_Goes out back._]
MRS. S. Is the parlour tidy, Peggy?
PEGGY. Yes. I dusted it and opened the windows.
MRS. S. Did you know these people were coming?
PEGGY. I thought they might drop in going past to the auction.
MRS. S. Why, of course, that’s it. They’re going to the auction. Go
and let them in.
PEGGY. Ah, mother, let them in yourself. I’m dirty.
MRS. S. So am I. But I’m clean enough for the Kilroys. [_Goes out
left._]
PEGGY. Now for the match-making! [_Voices are heard in the yard. She
goes to the window._] Oh, holy father!
_JOHN ushers in through the back door JAMES KILROY and son
JOSEPH._
JOHN. The good-woman’ll kill me for bringing you in the back door,
Mr. Kilroy. She said I was to take you round to the front. We’ve a fine
hall door, sir. Varnished and all. Outrageous.
KILROY. This is first rate, John. First rate. Good morning, Miss
Scally.
PEGGY. Good morning, Mr. Kilroy.
JOSEPH. Mornin’, Pegness!
PEGGY. Good morning, Joseph.
_MRS. SCALLY comes in._
JOSEPH. Mornin’, mother Scally!
MRS. S. Good morning, everybody. I told John to take you round to the
front, Mr. Kilroy. But you mightn’t try to tell John anything.
KILROY. This is first rate, Mrs. Scally. First rate. [_Inspects it_]
Very clean and neat and up-to-date. Sanitary.
MRS. S. Indeed it isn’t clean at all. We must get the whole house
cleaned down from top to bottom, for my brother--the Professor--is going
to pay us a visit shortly. He’s in London at present. He hasn’t been
home for twenty years.
KILROY [_takes off hat_]. I never knew you’d a brother a professor. I
never heard of him.
MRS. S. Oh, indeed, yes. Tim’s a professor. Won’t you sit down?
KILROY. Thanks. [_Sits._]
JOSEPH. I’ll make myself at home over here. [_Sits on table beside
PEGGY and teases her awkwardly._]
KILROY. This scoundrel O’Cahan, the bank’s selling him up at last.
MRS. S. Yes, the auction’s at eleven o’clock.
JOHN. Aye, as Briget says, at eleven o’clock. Allison’s the
auctioneer....
MRS. S. Silence, John. [_To KILROY_] He has nothing left to sell but
the land. Not a four-footed beast about the house....
PEGGY. Excuse me, Joseph. [_She goes out back._]
JOSEPH. Will I go with you, Peggy? [_No answer._] I’ll risk it
anyway. [_Goes out back._]
MRS. S. [_smelling a rat_]. Joseph’s getting a fine young man.
JOHN. Outrageous.
KILROY. Between ourselves, Joseph’s a bit of a playboy. No real vice,
you know, but reckless and wild and full of animal spirits. I sent him
to an agricultural college, but they had to send him home. He was just
that wild. He put himself at the head of a band of gentlemen’s sons and
half wrecked the college, and then wrecked the town.
MRS. S. [_laughs_]. I wouldn’t think a ha’porth of that. Students are
full of mischief.
JOHN. Aye, as Briget says, full of life. Fine fellows, Mr. Kilroy.
Atrocious.
KILROY. Now, John Scally, I want no more “mistering.” You and I kneel
in the same church, and after myself you’re the best respected people in
the parish. Call me James.
MRS. S. That’s what I like to hear. No pride or nonsense.
KILROY. I’m going over to this auction. What condition’s the place
in, John? I haven’t been up to Rush Hill for years.
JOHN. The sun never warmed a better place, James. Never. Two hundred
acres of land like a carrot-bed. You could sow at Christmas....
KILROY. I know the land’s good. But what about the house? They tell
me it’s in ruins....
JOHN. It’s not in very good re----
MRS. S. Silence, John.... The house inside is in ruins, James.
O’Cahan had a band of ruffians like himself playing cards there, and
last winter they burnt down the stairs and most of the woodwork....
JOHN. For firewood, James. As Briget can tell you.
KILROY. Well, to come to the point. The Bank has four thousand pounds
against it, and--but this is very private--the Bank wants me to buy it.
MRS. S. Buy it, James. Buy it. You’ll never rue the day you bought
Rush Hill. Only that we bought a second farm last year, we’d buy it
ourselves.
JOHN. As Briget says, buy it, James. Buy it. It’s an outrageous fine
sate....
MRS. S. Silence, John.... It could be made a fine place, James.
KILROY. Well, I’ve a bit of a plan worked out in my head. I’ll submit
it to you, Mrs. Scally, for I’ve a deal of faith in your judgment.
JOHN. So well you may, James. She’s a head like an almanac.
MRS. S. Silence, John. Let me hear your plan, James. Whatever you say
here is private.
KILROY. I know that or I wouldn’t broach it. A public man has to know
who he’s talking to.
MRS. S. Very true.
JOHN. Very, as Briget says.
KILROY. We were speaking about my son Joseph. He’s twenty-one years
old this morning.
MRS. S. Bless him, I didn’t think he was near that.
JOHN. Amen. I didn’t think he was sixteen.
KILROY. Joseph comes into his legacy this morning--two thousand
pounds. His aunt’s money that died ten years ago.
MRS. S. I remember when she died. God guard him, it’s a lot of money.
JOHN. Amen. As Briget says, it’s a mint.
KILROY. Pay good attention both of you to what follows. Seems Joseph
attended a Gaelic class last winter in somebody’s barn.
MRS. S. In Cassidy’s barn. Peggy was there too.
KILROY. The story goes that Joseph noticed Peggy there and became
attracted by her.
MRS. S. We never heard that before.
JOHN. We did not indeed, sir, or we mightn’t have allowed it.
MRS. S. Silence, John. I didn’t mean it in that sense. Peggy Scally’s
good enough for any man in the parish to speak to. I only said we didn’t
know that she and Joseph were friendly, and we didn’t.
KILROY. Shake hands, Briget. [_They shake._] I agree with every word
you say. Peggy Scally’s a match for the best man in this
constituency--and that man happens to be my son Joseph. I hope that’s
not bragging.
JOHN. Aye! [_He is displeased._]
MRS. S. [_smiling_]. That was very well put, James. I read all your
speeches at the Council and you always hit the nail on the head.
KILROY. Thanks, Mrs. Scally. I’m ten years at that Council Board, and
that’s the first bit of criticism that ever entirely pleased me. You’re
a brainy woman, Briget.
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. Now, prepare yourselves for a shock. Joseph told his mother
and me last night, plump and plain, that he means to marry Peggy Scally
or die in the attempt.
MRS. S. Goodness gracious me! That’s a bombshell.... [_letting
herself go_]. Mercy save us again.... I’m dizzy.... John, d’ye hear what
he says?
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. At first his mother--and indeed myself--objected most
strenuously. There’s no use in denying it. But he’s a Kilroy. He gave us
till this morning to consent, or hand him out his two thousand pounds
and he’d suit himself. That’s the sort of a boy Joseph is.
MRS. S. [_on her dignity_]. May we ask, Mr. Kilroy, why you and your
wife objected so strenuously to the match?
JOHN. Hey! That’s a good question, Briget. Outrageous.
KILROY. And a very natural question, too. But when I submit the
reason I know you’ll appreciate it. Both his mother and myself
understood that Peggy was engaged to Hugh O’Cahan.
JOHN. Aye. [_Sulks again._]
MRS. S. There never was anything serious between Peggy and Hugh
O’Cahan, and I as strenuously objected to anything that might have
been.... Is that true, John?
JOHN. Aye!
KILROY. That satisfies me entirely, Briget. I told Mrs. Kilroy it was
only a rumour. But she was uneasy. You see the legacy come by her
sister....
MRS. S. Well, till your wife comes over here and tells me out of her
own mouth that she’s satisfied, there’ll be no match--not if Joseph
owned a million.
JOHN. Hey, James! What do you think of that? This lady of mine
doesn’t mince words.
KILROY. I didn’t expect this, Briget. But it has to be met. When the
Council gets into a fix I have to get them out of it. [_Thinks._]
Listen, Briget. What’s the matter with you coming over to our place and
talking things over with Mrs. Kilroy? I’ll give you all the assistance I
can....
MRS. S. I’ll want no assistance, James. I won’t go.
JOHN. Hey!
KILROY [_slowly_]. Well, maybe I’ll be able to manage Mrs. Kilroy
myself. You know what a mother is, Briget, where her oldest son is
concerned. She maybe had something bigger in her eye for Joseph.
MRS. S. She may’ve had something bigger but she’d nothing better in
her eye then Peggy Scally. And you can tell your wife I said so.
JOHN. Holy tattler! that’s the best yet. Honour where honour’s due.
Outrageous, Briget.
KILROY. You’re making it very hard for me, Briget. You’ve no
conception of my difficulty....
JOHN. I think I understand it, James....
MRS. S. Silence, John.... There needn’t be any difficulty at all,
James. If my daughter’s not good enough for your wife there’s no harm
done. And if your wife’s coming, James, bring her to-night, for the
Professor may be here to-morrow and he mightn’t want to meet
strangers....
KILROY [_slaps his leg_]. That’s the solution of the problem! There’s
no problem without a solution. Mrs. Kilroy has a weakness for
distinguished people. She’ll want to hear all about the Professor from
his sister. What time to-night, Briget, would suit your convenience?
MRS. S. About six.
KILROY. Good. She’ll come in that door on the stroke of six. And now
for the next item. If Joseph and Peggy make a match of it, what about
buying them O’Cahan’s farm? Eh? Rush Hill.
JOHN [_gasps_]. Hey! Rush Hill.
MRS. S. James Kilroy, you’re a big, bold, clear-headed man!
KILROY. Are you only finding that out now, Briget? The people have
been saying that for years.
MRS. S. I always knew you had ability. Your wife had none.
KILROY. Quite right, Briget. And your husband had none. No offence,
John.
JOHN. Oh, lord no, James! Nothing in that to take offence at. I never
put up to’ve ability. I’d no need of ability. I’ve always made my living
with my hands and feet.
KILROY. Well, we know now where we stand. The next is a question of
money. If I buy Rush Hill will you stock it, Briget?
JOHN. Hey! That’s one for yourself, Briget.
MRS. S. That’s a very important item, James. It would take five or
six hundred pounds to stock it.
KILROY. ’Twould take five. Could you give Peggy that much hard money
without hurting yourselves? It would mean big matches for your other
daughters.
JOHN. Aye!
MRS. S. There’s something in that, James. But if we give Peggy five
hundred, the others might expect the same, and we couldn’t afford it....
Tell me this, James. If Joseph’s legacy buys Rush Hill, where do you
come in? You wouldn’t be out a penny.
JOHN. Hey! That’s one for you, James.
KILROY. Joseph’s legacy won’t wink at buying it, Briget. We’ll be
very snug if another thousand buys it. I’ll have to raise that thousand
myself.... I mean I’ll have to go security for it.
MRS. S. Well, buy it, James, and we’ll stock it. I want to see Peggy
and Joseph in Rush Hill.
KILROY [_gets up and wipes his brow_]. I’d no idea that arranging a
match was so difficult. It’s a terrible strain. [_Looks watch._] You’ll
come over with me to the auction, John, and we’ll look about us before
it begins....
JOHN. I’d as lief not go near it, James. I hate these auction-outs.
MRS. S. Silence, John. Get your good coat and hat.
JOHN. The neighbours is going to boycott it....
KILROY. The more it’s boycotted, John, the better for you and me.
JOHN. Then let’s all boycott it.
KILROY. No, but let us go and bid a wicked bad price, then I can deal
with the Bank on my own terms.
MRS. S. James Kilroy, I’ll speak out what’s in my mind. You’re the
best business man I ever come across, and I’m married to the worst....
JOHN. Ah, Briget, Briget! That’s shockin’ unfair!
KILROY. I don’t want to boast, Briget, [_expanding his chest_] but if
I’d got a woman of your calibre this parish wouldn’t have held me.
MRS. S. I’m certain of it.
JOHN. Ah, by the hedges, that’s cruelty to animals!... Where’s my hat
and coat, Briget?
MRS. S. I’ll get them for you. Come into the other room, James. I
want to treat you.... Come along, John.
JOHN. Aye, at your heel!
_They are going off when JOSEPH comes in back linked on PEGGY._
JOSEPH. Hi! look at this. You’re missing all the sights.
_The others turn round._
KILROY. Good man, Joseph! He’s won her. He’s a Kilroy. You couldn’t
stop the breed with a mountain battery!
JOHN. Aye!
MRS. S. Mercy, the cheek of young people nowadays! Aren’t you pair
ashamed of yourselves?
JOSEPH. We glory in it! Hurrah!
KILROY [_shouts_]. He’s a Kilroy! Thunder and lightning couldn’t
daunt the breed! Didn’t you wreck the college, Joseph?
JOSEPH. Aye, and the town ’twas in.
KILROY. Will you buy Rush Hill, Joseph?
JOSEPH. You’ll buy it and I’ll pay it!
KILROY. Well put. And Peggy’s mother’ll stock it.
JOSEPH. Well put again. Go on, now, and leave us alone.
MRS. S. [_laughing_]. He’s a Kilroy right enough.... Come on, men.
We’re not wanted here.
_KILROY, JOHN and MRS. S. go into the room._
JOSEPH. It’s all settled, Peggy. We’re as good as married. Amn’t I a
hero?
PEGGY [_removing his arm_]. And a modest soul. [_Takes up iron._]
JOSEPH [_sheepishly_]. Awh, Peggy.... Awh, now.... Just one. Gwon.
PEGGY. Just one what?
JOSEPH [_suffocating_]. Awh, you know yourself.... It starts with a
K.
PEGGY. Gracious! I think I know what you mean. What a desperate
suggestion. What would your mother say, Joseph?
JOSEPH. Awh, sure she wouldn’t know.
PEGGY. But she might suspect.... Better run no risks, Joseph.
JOSEPH [_drawing closer_]. Let her ... let her suspect....
PEGGY. Mind the iron, Joseph. It’s hot....
_He tries to kiss her and leaps back._
JOSEPH. Moses, Moses! I’m roasted! [_Licks his hand._] If you weren’t
my own Peggy I’d say you tried to roast me!
PEGGY. I’m sorry, Joseph. I told you it was pretty hot....
JOSEPH. Awh, what do I care about a burn? I’d ram my hand into the
flames of the fire if I took a notion....
PEGGY. You’re fearfully wild, Joseph.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon tame me, Peggy. Tell me again. Isn’t all
over between you and O’Cahan?
PEGGY. It’s all over, Joseph, only I haven’t quite forgotten him yet.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll soon forget all about him. You’ll soon think of
nothing in the whole world but me. O’Cahan was a rap....
_O’CAHAN stalks in the back door. He has the packet in his hand
and the whip._
O’C. There your presents, Peggy [_throws packet on table_]. I found
them in my pocket. Make jam of them. [_Wheels on JOSEPH_] Who’s a rap?
JOSEPH [_cowering_]. Mind, my father’s in the room!
O’C. Call him out.
JOSEPH. I’ll soon call him if you lay a finger on me!
O’C. [_hits him a scud with the whip_]. There! Call out the Rural
Councillor.
JOSEPH [_backing away_]. I want no fighting with you.
O’C. No, you’re a Kilroy. You burn down colleges and paint towns red
in your sleep. [_Draws off._] For two straws I’d put a lip on you!
JOSEPH [_receding_]. My father’ll writ you! He’ll writ you. You’ll
not hit me with a whip....
O’C. Bring out your father. I’ll put a lip on him too....
PEGGY. Hugh, for goodness’ sake don’t make a scene. It isn’t worth
it.
JOSEPH [_hugging the room door_]. You’ll see my father at the
auction. He’ll buy you up, stump and rump.
O’C. And who’ll pay?
JOSEPH. I’ll pay! I’m into my legacy this morning. Two thousand gold
sovereigns.
O’C. Listen to me, gurnet. Your father has been swelling about on
that money for the last ten years. You’ll have some fun getting your two
thousand gold sovereigns, or I’m a fish. That’s why he brought you here
this morning--to stop your mouth with a woman. [_To PEGGY_] Now, Peggy.
There’s more news for you. You’ve broken with a bankrupt man to marry a
bankrupt prig.
JOSEPH. Awh, you’ll see that at the auction....
_PROFESSOR TIM comes in at back. He is an oldish man, in
seafaring clothes, and looks an incarnate toper._
PROF. [_swaying on his legs_]. Hallo! How’s all here?
PEGGY. All well, thank you. Do you take meal or coppers?
PROF. I take neither meal nor coppers, sweetheart. But you can gimme
a kiss if you like. Gum, I won’t object....
O’C. [_draws out to floor him, but stops_]. Eh! Gad, that old face of
yours looks homely....
PROF. And begum, mister, that fist of yours looks awful homely to me.
You draw out to scatter a man like an O’Cahan.
O’C. Exactly. O’Cahan of Rush Hill.
PROF. Sorry. Your pony and trap’s in trouble down the lane. It’s
turned turtle in a ditch....
JOSEPH. It’s mine ... mine.... [_Runs out back._]
PROF. [_looking around_]. I wonder to Gawd am I in the wrong shop
after all! Whose bungalow’s this?
O’C. You’re all right, Professor. This is John Scally’s bungalow....
PEGGY. What! Professor! Oh, sacred trust!
PROF. Whoa, gal. Don’t be so obvious. [_To O’C._] Who’s this
exclamatory female?
O’C. Your own niece, Professor. Miss Peggy Scally.
PROF. Hallo, sweetheart! Gum, I’ve travelled seven times round the
world and never seen a sweeter face. [_Hobbles nearer PEGGY._] Shake
hands, pigeon, with uncle Tim. The old Professor....
PEGGY. Go away! Keep back! [_Screams._] Mother! mother!
_MRS. S. comes in._
PROF. Hallo, sister Briget. Gum, you haven’t aged an hour.
Re-markable.
MRS. S. [_stunned_]. Aaaaaah!
O’C. Sister Briget doesn’t seem able to place you, Professor. You
must have changed a little yourself since you were here....
PROF. Gum, man, I’ve been near dead a dozen times since that. Malaria
in Nigeria, yellow-jack in Panama, snake-bite in Siam, and various other
accidents by land and sea....
O’C. And liquor.
PROF. No, sir. I’m a strong temperance man. A bit of a temperance
crank, in fact. [_Chuckles._] Accidents by land and sea and soda water.
MRS. S. So after raking the gutters of the world you’ve come back to
see us!
PROF. Gum, it’s about time I’d pay my respects. Why it must be twenty
years since I lookt you up....
MRS. S. Well, you’ve looked us up at last. You’ve seen me, and I’ve
seen you. Let that do you for the rest of your natural life. There’s the
door. Step out and don’t come back. We harbour no rakes here--young or
old.
PROF. [_astonished_]. Gum, this is a surprise! This is a nice
reception to give the Professor brother after a lifetime abroad. It’s
downright unfriendly....
O’C. A little chilly.
PROF. A _little_ chilly! Mister, it’s frost and snow.
MRS. S. Master Hugh, if you don’t hurry home you’ll not be in time
for your auction.
O’C. Thanks, madam. I’m off. I’m not as far down as I thought. [_Goes
out back._]
MRS. S. You ruffian! what brought you back here in that condition?
PROF. Don’t ask double-barrelled questions, sister. My object in
coming here and the condition I arrive in are two different things. Take
it point by point.
MRS. S. What brought you here at all?
PROF. For a holiday. A complete rest.
MRS. S. Well, you won’t rest here! Go and take a holiday where you
belong. Step out that door and never show your face again....
PROF. [_totters over and sits on table_]. I’m awful tired ... been
travelling a deal lately....
MRS. S. [_exasperated_]. Will you step out--before I pitch you out
the door?
PROF. Pitch me out the door! You didn’t pitch me out the morning you
married Johnny Scally ... when I laid a hundred pounds in your lap....
Why, bust you, ’twas that hundred gave you and Johnny a start.
MRS. S. [_a little subdued_]. I’ll give you a few shillings and
you’ll catch the first train. My family’s all grown up and you wouldn’t
want to affront us.
PROF. Affront you? I’m not going to affront anybody. I’m going to
have a nice, quiet, respectable holiday along the moss edges.... Gum, I
want to pick some white heather....
_JOHN, in black coat and hat, comes in, followed by KILROY. MRS.
S. stands in front of PROF. to hide him._
KILROY. Where’s Joseph?
PEGGY. He ran down the lane. Something happened the pony....
PROF. It’s turned turtle in a ditch....
KILROY. Dang it all! [_Runs out back._]
PROF. [_pushing Mrs. S. aside_]. Stand away back! What are you
crowding me up for?
JOHN. Who the hedges is this, Briget?
PROF. Hallo, Johnny! Gum, you stand the years like a brass button.
Greetings.
JOHN. By the holy, it’s the Professor! Lord save us, such a case!
Such a wreck....
PROF. Don’t be so obvious, Johnny. A man don’t look his best after a
long journey.... I’m tired....
JOHN. Ah, poor Tim....
MRS. S. Not another word, John....
JOHN. Ah, Briget, let me shake hands with him....
MRS. S. Silence! He’s going out of this. I’ll give him a few
shillings and he’ll catch the first train away. He’ll not be here!
PROF. You won’t gimme a few shillings, sister, and I won’t catch the
first train away. I’m too glad to be here. I want a wash-up, and a good
feed of spuds and cabbage, and about a week’s sleep. I’m tired....
MRS. S. [_grabs his arm_]. Come with me! I’ll show you what you’re
going to get....
PROF. [_resists_]. Lemme go. I won’t budge....
MRS. S. Come here, John, and lend a hand. We’ll help him outside....
JOHN. I’d rather not, Briget....
MRS. S. Come on--when you’re told! Or I’ll smash him and you both.
JOHN [_assists_]. Come now, Tim. Come, like a good fella. I wouldn’t
hurt a hair of your head for the world....
PEGGY. Mother! mother! the Kilroys are coming in....
MRS. S. Come, John. Quick. We’ll keep them outside....
_MRS. S. and JOHN go out back._
PROF. Hallo, Peggy. Who did you say was coming? The poleece?
PEGGY. Not at all. Two neighbours.
PROF. [_musing_]. Gum, I’ve touched low water mark at last. Taken by
the scruff of the neck like a rat to be thrown out. [_Sobs and watches
the effect on PEGGY._] It’s hard, hard to be old and done and frail and
homeless and penniless and friendless. [_Drying his eyes._] That’s what
your friends would do for you.... But no matter.... Eaten bread’s
forgotten....
PEGGY. Never mind, uncle.
PROF. Eh! Your voice is kind. Calling me uncle, are you?
PEGGY. Yes, why not?
PROF. Plenty of whynots. I’m a returned empty, that’s the main
whynot.
PEGGY [_impulsively_]. Empty or full, rich or poor, you’re my uncle
Tim! [_Shaking hands._] I’m glad to see you, uncle. Welcome home.
PROF. Thanks, pigeon. You’ve a heart. From this minute till I die
I’ll have something kind to remember. Any more sisters, Peggy?
PEGGY. Three sisters and three brothers.
PROF. And where are they?
PEGGY. They’re over at the other farm hay-making.
PROF. Have you two farms now?
PEGGY. Yes, we bought a second farm last year.
PROF. Gum, your father deserves credit. He got a tartar of a wife. A
perfect shrew.
PEGGY. Mother isn’t so bad. She just likes to boss....
PROF. That’s obvious. An impossible woman. A victim of temper,
vocabulary, and spleen. Do you remember me being here before, Peggy?
PEGGY. Quite well, uncle. You bought me a string of blue beads.
PROF. I’m glad if I did. I don’t remember a thing about it. Bad
memory, Peggy. [_Looks at his empty hands._] Gum, I thought I’d a valise
in my hand. Have I no personal baggage at all?
PEGGY. None with you.
PROF. I must have dropt it in Paris or London.... I’m coming from
Nigeria, Peggy. Been coming from Nigeria by easy stages for months and
months. [_Looks at his clothes._] I wonder to Gawd where I got this
toggery? Looks like seafaring clothes.... Probably got them by mistake
in London.
PEGGY. When did you arrive in Ireland, uncle?
PROF. I haven’t the remotest idea. The last thing I remember is being
down at the docks in London. What day is this, Peggy?
PEGGY. Monday.
PROF. What date is it?
PEGGY. The 6th July.
PROF. July? Gum, I thought it was May.... There’s a big mistake
somewhere. The whole month of June’s blotted out.
PEGGY. You’ve been drinking, uncle.
PROF. Not a great deal, Peggy. Just enjoying myself.... Listen,
Peggy. Your mother’s likely to put me out. You’re the only friend I’ve
got in the world. Could you give me a little cash? Five pounds? I’m dead
broke.
PEGGY. I could give you three pounds, uncle. It’s all the money I
have.
PROF. Well, for Gawd’s sake, hurry up and get it.
PEGGY. One minute. [_She goes into the room._]
PROF. [_more alert, looking round_]. This is a comfortable spot. A
wandering man could find rest here. [_Recites_]
“And as a hare, whom hounds and horn pursue,
Pants to the place from whence at first she flew,
I still had hopes, my long vexations past,
Here to return--and die at home at last.”
What an autobiography I could give the Scallys, if they’d the wit to let
me stay here! A man with the dust of forty countries on his shoes....
_PEGGY comes in with the money._
PEGGY. Three pounds, uncle. Don’t let on to mother.
PROF. [_taking it_]. No fear, Peggy. I know your mother of old.
[_Puts money in pocket._]
PEGGY. Have you had any breakfast?
PROF. I don’t know. [_Feels at his stomach._] I don’t think so....
Probably had something to eat yesterday. I’m not a big feeder, Peggy.
[_Takes out snuff box_] Have a pinch? Jockey Club.
PEGGY. Oh, gracious heavens! Don’t let mother see that. Do you snuff?
PROF. That’s obvious. [_Takes snuff._] Clears the head, Peggy. I feel
better already.... If your mother wasn’t so hostile I could stay here
long enough. Would you mind, Peggy?
PEGGY. Not if you behaved yourself.... Whisht!
_MRS. S. comes in very warlike._
MRS. S. Are you still here?
PROF. That’s obvious. Where did you think I’d be? Evaporated?
MRS. S. Have you no spirit left?
PROF. I’ve far too much spirit. I’m all spirit. What I want is more
physical ability.
MRS. S. Oh, you disgrace! You prodigal! You vagabond! That the very
smell of the house is insufferable....
PEGGY. It’s only snuff, mother. If you leave him to me he’ll give no
trouble. I’ll get him something to eat and he’ll rest and go away.
MRS. S. He’ll never break bread in my house! He’ll never sleep under
my roof! God only knows where he’s coming from, or what plague he has
with him.
PROF. My only plague is poverty. A chronic attack of penury. It
arises from an absence of brass in the vest pocket. And at my age it’s
incurable.
_JOHN comes in back._
JOHN. Now, Tim, your own sister won’t have you here. I’ve got my
orders to shift you. It’s a dirty job, but you needn’t blame me. I’m
only carrying out my orders. Come now, like a good fella. I’ll drive you
in to the station and buy you a ticket for some big town....
PROF. You won’t let me stay to rest?
MRS. S. No. You’re not fit to be in human habitation.
PROF. I’m a sick man. A broken man.
MRS. S. You weren’t too sick to come and affront us.... You prodigal!
JOHN. Easy now, Briget. It’s a fearful thing to turn your face away
from a broken man. We’re all prodigals ... and we’ll all have to crawl
back some day....
MRS. S. Silence, you! It’s me’s turning him out. He’ll not be here!
PROF. [_struggling to his feet_]. All right, sister, I’m going. I can
crawl back the road I come.
MRS. S. John’ll drive you to the station and see you off. You’re not
going to affront us--crawling along the road like that....
PROF. [_draws a seaman’s knife_]. Let you and Johnny and everybody
else mind their own business. If anybody tries to stop me I’ll defend
myself. [_Going off back._]
MRS. S. Don’t let him out, John! Stop him....
JOHN. By hokey, I’ll do nothing of the kind. That man’d think little
of knifing me. He’s a sailor.
PEGGY [_goes to PROF. at door_]. Give me that knife, uncle. Please.
PROF. Sorry, pigeon. I couldn’t get along without that knife. It’s
the knife I cut my food and baccy with.
PEGGY. Well, put it in your pocket. Nobody’s going to stop you.
You’ll come over with me to the old kitchen and I’ll get you something
to eat....
MRS. S. Never!
PEGGY. Mother, I’ll feed him! Nobody knows whose turn it may be next.
JOHN. God bless you, Peggy. Feed him.
_PROF. puts knife in pocket. KILROY and JOSEPH come in back.
They stand staring at PROF._
PROF. Bless you, Peggy. You’re as good as you look. I’ll go with you
like a lamb.
PEGGY. Come on. I’ll help you across.
_PEGGY leads PROF. out back._
KILROY. Who’s that ould viper? I seem to know his face. [_Sniffing_]
The smell of snuff and fish and whiskey would poison you!
MRS. S. It’s not drink, James. He’s a poor man, with the palsy or
something, and Peggy always feeds him in the old kitchen.
KILROY. Well, lord knows how she does it. She’ll surely get a
powerful reward in heaven. For I couldn’t go next or near him.
JOSEPH. I could go near him! I’ll go over and give him a penny.
MRS. S. You mustn’t, Joseph. He doesn’t like strangers. He wouldn’t
take a penny even from me.
KILROY [_looks watch_]. John, are we going to this auction? If we are
it’s time we were away. We won’t have much time to look about us....
MRS. S. Go, in God’s name, and buy it. I’m determined to see Peggy
and Joseph in Rush Hill before a month....
JOSEPH. Aye--before a week! Come on, father. [_Goes out back._]
KILROY. He’s a Kilroy! [_Goes out back._]
JOHN [_calls after him_]. I’ll follow you in a minute, James. [_To
MRS. S._] Don’t you turn out that unfortunate till I come back.
MRS. S. Why not?
JOHN. Because it’s not right. It’s not Christian. It’s not human. Tim
give us a fine start the morning we were married.
MRS. S. You’ve a very long memory.
JOHN. And you’ve a very short one.
MRS. S. Step on. He’ll not be here.
JOHN. If you turn him out he’ll die on the road.
MRS. S. If he does we can bury him. Step on.
JOHN. I may go. But not in God’s name. I’m not enough of a Scribe and
Pharisee for that. We couldn’t have luck after this day’s work. We don’t
deserve it. [_Goes out back._]
MRS. S. Soft John! You’d give him the shirt off your back. And he’s
the boy would take it. But he won’t be here when you come back. Not if I
have to drive him in to the station myself and ship him! [_Sniffing_]
Mercy! the smell of this house ... snuff or something. [_Opens all the
doors and windows and comes back to the centre._] If the Kilroys see him
or get to know who he is--that ends everything....
_PEGGY comes in shaking her head._
PEGGY. We’re lost, mother. He’s gone off across the fields to the
auction.
MRS. S. [_shrieks_]. What! Gone to the auction! Why did you let him
out?
PEGGY. Because I couldn’t keep him in. He threatened me with the
knife. The man’s either an eccentric, or he’s crazy....
MRS. S. [_sinks on a chair_]. Oh, Lord above! Am I to be persecuted
and afflicted off the face of the earth? Or why do You permit these
people--one and all of them--to make my life a misery? Why, why?
_Curtain_
------------------------------------------------------------------------