_To Editor Woman’s Page who is honest man, therefore at home when he
is._
Dearest Sir:
My next escape was from employment of Mrs. Clarence Calicutt, Siberia,
N. Y. This lady was very highly esteamed. She practise theosophy on her
mind and make society acquaintance with frequent ladies. She had the
most deceptive behaviour of any personality I ever employed to boss me.
Her voice was half in half. One end of it was sweet, but the other end
contained considerable quinine. The bitterish end was all I ever saw.
For instancely, in curl-paper hour of early morning she would arise
upward from breakfast and say, “Togo, why you so dub this day? Are you
foolish or merely brainless?” Hashly she spoke it.
Jing-jing from telephone.
“Hello--are that you, Clara? How charmed you are! Yes, honey, I should
seem very much obliged!” Sweetly she used her voice.
“Why you speak lemons to me and honey to telephone?” I asked to know.
“Because,” she report, “there are two ways of talking--one way for
servants, other way for telephone.”
“Sometimes I wish you would talk to me like a telephone,” I require,
saddishly.
One raindrop morning this Mrs. Calicutt approach to me and report.
“Togo, I am at home to-morrow afternoon.”
“Will you be more at home then than you are now?” I ask it.
“I are not at home now,” she dib, snubbly.
“How confused!” I magnify. “You mean tell me you are not at home when I
see you there standing?”
“Truthfully I speak it.” This from her.
“Then maybe you could be elsewhere when you are at home?” I collapse.
“Quite conveniently,” she otter. “I know some several ladies who
frequently go ottomobile riding on days when they are at home.”
“America are full of customs,” I report, enjoying headache in my
understanding.
“I am at home on second and fifth Wednesdays of September, June, and
January,” she speak onwards. “I choose them difficult dates so folks
can amuse themselves calculating when they will see me next. It are
not fashionable for a lady to be seen too frequently at her residence.”
“It would require train despatchers and astronomers to calculate when
to call with cards,” I report. She make no visible reply to that.
“To-morrow is my Wednesday,” she describe, pridefully.
“Will you keep this date all to yourself?” I ask to know.
“Not by no means I won’t!” she snudge. “I have invite considerable
guests for slight tea-drunk. I asked them for 4. P. M. So I shall
expect them about 6:30.”
“How much people you expect, if any?” I require.
“Folks who comes to afternoon tea-drunk are like mice what comes
to traps. You never can tell how many you will catch. Sometimes
refreshment-bait are entirely wasted without a nibble. Sometime they
come in such quantities they carries off the trap. Sometime, when you
ask folks to tea, they behave shyly like rabbits. Sometimes they make
forward stampede like mules, all attempting to rush at once.”
“Then you cannot give me any statistic to estimate how many persons
will arrive up to your Wednesday to-morrow?”
“I asked 80 persons. Perhapsly 8 or 200 will arrive. Who knows what?”
“Do all them persons expect to eat from your food?” I asked, for cold
eyebrows.
“Folks does not come to teas to eat entirely, but to eat somewhat,” she
reproof. “Mutton chops, oyster, and soup would seem too heavyweight for
such festival. Yet they would act disappointed and peevly if they could
not have some lightweight refreshment.”
“Ham plus eggs would do for them, perhapsly?” I snuggest.
“Nothing would seem more toothless for such occasion,” she growell.
“Slight nibble of cakes, slight squench of chocolate will be too
sufficient with conversation. Therefore, I ask you to attend to
refreshments for to-morrow. Please prepare following lightweight foods
for them: