“To the Abbe Louis d'Ennemare, at Soissons.
“My Dear Abbe.
“My marriage with your cousin is broken off in the most stupid way, all
on account of an idiotic trick which I almost involuntarily played my
intended. In my perplexity I turn to you, my old school chum, for you
may be able to help me out of the difficulty. If you can, I shall be
grateful to you until I die.
“You know Gilberte, or, rather, you think you know her, but do we ever
understand women? All their opinions, their ideas, their creeds, are
a surprise to us. They are all full of twists and turns, cf the
unforeseen, of unintelligible arguments, of defective logic and of
obstinate ideas, which seem final, but which they alter because a little
bird came and perched on the window ledge.
“I need not tell you that your cousin is very religious, as she was
brought up by the White (or was it the Black?) Ladies at Nancy. You know
that better than I do, but what you perhaps do not know is, that she is
just as excitable about other matters as she is about religion. Her head
flies away, just as a leaf is whirled away by the wind; and she is
a true woman, or, rather, girl, for she is moved or made angry in a
moment, starting off at a gallop in affection, just as she does in
hatred, and returning in the same manner; and she is pretty--as you
know, and more charming than I can say--as you will never know.
“Well, we became engaged, and I adored her, as I adore her still, and
she appeared to love me.
“One evening, I received a telegram summoning me to Cologne for a
consultation, which might be followed by a serious and difficult
operation, and as I had to start the next morning, I went to wish
Gilberte good-by, and tell her why I could not dine with them on
Wednesday, but would do so on Friday, the day of my return. Ah! Beware
of Fridays, for I assure you they are unlucky!
“When I told her that I had to go to Germany, I saw that her eyes filled
with tears, but when I said I should be back very soon, she clapped her
hands, and said:
“'I am very glad you are going, then! You must bring me back something;
a mere trifle, just a souvenir, but a souvenir that you have chosen
for me. You must guess what I should like best, do you hear? And then I
shall see whether you have any imagination.'
“She thought for a few moments, and then added:
“'I forbid you to spend more than twenty francs on it. I want it for the
intention, and for a remembrance of your penetration, and not for its
intrinsic value:
“And then, after another moment's silence, she said, in a low voice, and
with downcast eyes:
“'If it costs you nothing in money, but is something very ingenious and
pretty, I will--I will kiss you.'
“The next day I was in Cologne. It was a case of a terrible accident,
which had plunged a whole family into despair, and a difficult
amputation was necessary. They lodged me in the house; I might say, they
almost locked me up, and I saw nobody but people in tears, who almost
deafened me with their lamentations; I operated on a man who appeared
to be in a moribund state, and who nearly died under my hands, and with
whom I remained two nights; and then, when I saw that there was a chance
of his recovery, I drove to the station. I had, however, made a mistake
in the trains, and I had an hour to wait, and so I wandered about the
streets, still thinking of my poor patient, when a man accosted me. I
do not know German, and he was totally ignorant of French, but at last I
made out that he was offering me some relics. I thought of Gilberte, for
I knew her fanatical devotion, and here was my present ready to hand,
so I followed the man into a shop where religious objects were for
sale, and I bought a small piece of a bone of one of the Eleven Thousand
Virgins.
“The pretended relic was inclosed in a charming old silver box, and that
determined my choice, and, putting my purchase into my pocket, I went to
the railway station, and so on to Paris.
“As soon as I got home, I wished to examine my purchase again, and on
taking hold of it, I found that the box was open, and the relic missing!
I searched in vain in my pocket, and turned it inside out; the small bit
of bone, which was no bigger than half a pin, had disappeared.
“You know, my dear little Abbe, that my faith is not very fervent, but,
as my friend, you are magnanimous enough to put up with my lukewarmness,
and to leave me alone, and to wait for the future, so you say. But I
absolutely disbelieve in the relics of secondhand dealers in piety, and
you share my doubts in that respect. Therefore, the loss of that bit
of sheep's carcass did not grieve me, and I easily procured a similar
fragment, which I carefully fastened inside my jewel-box, and then I
went to see my intended.
“As soon as she saw me, she ran up to me, smiling and eager, and, said
to me:
“'What have you brought me?'
“I pretended to have forgotten, but she did not believe me, and I made
her beg, and even beseech me. But when I saw that she was devoured by
curiosity, I gave her the sacred silver box. She appeared overjoyed.
“'A relic! Oh! A relic!'
“And she kissed the box passionately, so that I was ashamed of my
deception. She was not quite satisfied, however, and her uneasiness soon
turned to terrible fear, and looking straight into my eyes, she said:
“'Are you sure-that it is genuine?'
“'Absolutely certain.'
“'How can you be so certain?'
“I was trapped; for to say that I had bought it of a man in the streets
would be my destruction. What was I to say? A wild idea struck me, and I
said, in a low, mysterious voice:
“'I stole it for you.'
“She looked at me with astonishment and delight in her large eyes.
“'Oh! You stole it? Where?'
“'In the cathedral; in the very shrine of the Eleven Thousand Virgins.'
“Her heart beat with pleasure, and she murmured:
“'Oh! Did you really do that-for me? Tell me-all about it!'
“That was the climax; I could not retract what I had said. I made up a
fanciful story; with precise details: I had given the custodian of the
building a hundred francs to be allowed to go about the building by
myself; the shrine was being repaired, but I happened to be there at the
breakfast hour of the workmen and clergy; by removing a small panel, I
had been enabled to seize a small piece of bone (oh! so small), among a
quantity of others (I said a quantity, as I thought of the amount that
the remains of the skeletons of eleven thousand virgins must produce).
Then I went to a goldsmith's and bought a casket worthy of the relic;
and I was not sorry to let her know that the silver box cost me five
hundred francs.
“But she did not think of that; she listened to me, trembling, in an
ecstasy, and whispering: 'How I love you!' she threw herself into my
arms.
“Just note this: I had committed sacrilege for her sake. I had committed
a theft; I had violated a church; I had violated a shrine; violated
and stolen holy relics, and for that she adored me, thought me perfect,
tender, divine. Such is woman, my dear Abbe, every woman.
“For two months I was the most admirable of lovers. In her room, she had
made a kind of magnificent chapel in which to keep this bit of mutton
chop, which, as she thought, had made me commit that divine love-crime,
and she worked up her religious enthusiasm in front of it every morning
and evening. I had asked her to keep the matter secret, for fear, as I
said, that I might be arrested, condemned, and given over to Germany,
and she kept her promise.
“Well, at the beginning of the summer, she was seized with an
irresistible desire to see the scene of my exploit, and she teased her
father so persistently (without telling him her secret reason), that he
took her to Cologne, but without telling me of their trip, according to
his daughter's wish.
“I need not tell you that I had not seen the interior of the cathedral.
I do not know where the tomb (if there be a tomb) of the Eleven Thousand
Virgins is; and then, it appears, it is unapproachable, alas!
“A week afterward, I received ten lines, breaking off our engagement,
and then an explanatory letter from her father, whom she had, somewhat
late, taken into her confidence.
“At the sight of the shrine, she had suddenly seen through my trickery
and my lie, and at the same time discovered my real innocence of any
crime. Having asked the keeper of the relics whether any robbery had
been committed, the man began to laugh, and pointed out to them how
impossible such a crime was. But, from the moment that I had not plunged
my profane hand into venerable relics, I was no longer worthy of my
fair-haired, sensitive betrothed.
“I was forbidden the house; I begged and prayed in vain; nothing could
move the fair devotee, and I became ill from grief. Well, last week, her
cousin, Madame d'Arville, who is your cousin also, sent me word that she
should like to see me, and when I called, she told me on what conditions
I might obtain my pardon, and here they are. I must bring her a relic, a
real, authentic relic of some virgin and martyr, certified to be such
by our Holy Father, the Pope, and I am going mad from embarrassment and
anxiety.
“I will go to Rome, if needful, but I cannot call on the Pope
unexpectedly, to tell him my stupid misadventure; and, besides, I doubt
whether they allow private individuals to have relics. Could not you
give me an introduction to some cardinal, or even to some French prelate
who possesses some remains of a female saint? Or, perhaps, you may have
the precious object she wants in your collection?
“Help me out of my difficulty, my dear Abbe, and I promise you that I
will be converted ten years sooner than I otherwise should be!
“Madame d'Arville, who takes the matter seriously, said to me the other
day:
“'Poor Gilberte will never marry.'
“My dear old schoolmate, will you allow your cousin to die the victim
of a stupid piece of subterfuge on my part? Pray prevent her from being
virgin eleven thousand and one.
“Pardon me, I am unworthy, but I embrace you, and love you with all my
heart.
“Your old friend,
“HENRI FONTAL.”