"DEAR SIRS,--My fire was not what you would call an outbreak. It was
essentially a quiet affair, attended by neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage
Corps, but just the family (like being married at a registry-office, don't
you think?). My khaki slacks were the only articles injured. As I am now
going about without them, you will realise that no time should be lost in
settling the claim.
"Yours, etc.
"P.S. I nearly forgot--73856/RS/VP. There!"
A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost slanderously
sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured them, and there
ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched Ref. No. was
bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, and of which
the following are the salient points:--
_They._ Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the contents of
your residence to be.
_Myself_ (_after a searching inquiry into present prices_). £1,500.
_They_ (_promptly_). We beg to point out that you are only insured for a
total sum of £750. In accordance with the terms of your policy you are only
entitled to recover such proportion of the value of the loss or damage as
the total insured bears towards the total value of the contents--_i.e._,
one-half.
_Myself._ Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the present cost
of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a masterly stroke
I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity in black and
white.)
At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself up
to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was rewarded
by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance Company, "in full
settlement."
By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depôt
informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but by
War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed
instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the
way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of Occupation.)
It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper correlation.
"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said.
"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this
cheque? Send it back?"
"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering hand.
"I've been wanting a new hat for some time."
* * * * *
[Illustration: ANOTHER COMBINE.
_Bystander._ "'OW YER GOIN', MATE?"
_Gutter Merchant._ "FINE! I'VE JUST AMALGAMATED WITH THE BUSINESS NEXT
DOOR."]
* * * * *
"FRENZIED FINANCE."
"The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local
taxations are _only the be_-lical taxations are _only the beginning_ of
the demand upon the citizen's pocket."--_Evening Paper._
* * * * *
"JUMPER CHAMPION.
"The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has
knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a
world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge.
"'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit
in the dark and to read while knitting.'"--_Daily Paper_.
The Margate candidate will get our vote.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SERVANTS' BALL.
_Groom_ (_somewhat heated_). "CARE FOR A BREATHER, MY LADY?"]
* * * * *