"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross
carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five
years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's
leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought
fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at her
the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging the
match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks which
I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. Only when I
traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover that a
ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's uniform.
With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before venturing on
an encounter with Suzanne's eye.
"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What percentage of
them did you say was due to gross carelessness?"
I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, as
Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that I
should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depôt; for
these were obviously beyond wear or repair.
"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I
could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month."
"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne pensively.
"And I _was_ going to ask you to give me a new hat. But now I suppose--"
This roused my pride and self-respect.
"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have to buy
a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow."
She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me that
I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would never
have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had taken her
out and bought her one on the first day of my leave.
However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently
brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me.
Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky
envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully
mastering its contents.
"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at last.
"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. "Er--by the
way, do you know we're insured?"
"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were away, I
should think I ought to know."
"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured.
"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the
policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about khaki
slacks in it."
"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the document
impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I don't know what
a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be one."
"But I'm _sure_ it says nothing about slacks," she objected.
"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy embraces
my slacks."
"That sounds almost indelicate."
"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the Accused--the
Assured, I mean--has paid blank pounds, shillings and pence Premium or
Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or damage by Lightning,
Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'"
"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver.
"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest,
Subterranean Fire ...'"
"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. "Cut
the cataclysms and come to the slacks."
"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or
Larceny'--now hold your breath, for we're getting there--'Conflagration
and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. "The fact is," I continued
weightily, "we've had a Fire."
"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve
_peignoir_, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To have a
fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a registry-office. Next
time--"
"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now I'm
going to write a letter to the Insurance Company."