_House of Commons, Monday, Aug_. 8.--Think I mentioned, just before
Prorogation, how DUNBAR BARTON, offended at disregard paid to his
warnings by Ministers, protested that he would never speak again, and
should thenceforth be known as DUM BARTON. Finding him to-night figged
out, prepared to move Address, reminded him of the incident.
[Illustration: Asquith, Q.C.]
"Quite so, TOBY," he said; "you're perfectly right. I never did speak
again in that House. This is a different thing. Besides, I'm not going
to make a speech, but to read a paper."
Rather quibbling this; but temptation to accept invitation to move
Address at opening of new Session understood to be irresistible.
Believe I'm the only Member who ever begged to be excused. W.H. CROSS
seconded Address; speech much mystified House; remains to this day
disputed point whether he meant to be funny, or was merely maladroit.
Fancy he really meant it. GRAND CROSS in Peers' Gallery, looking on
with fond affection. Life been for him, of late, a troubled sheet
of water. His counsel about not dissolving Parliament till very last
moment, over-ruled; consequence is, Government are going out; how
India is to get on without him, GRAND CROSS really doesn't know.
Situation not soothed by reprehensible frivolity of Prince ARTHUR.
Meeting GRAND CROSS just now, moodily crossing Corridor, Prince
said,--"Well, we're not the only parties changing places. I see,
from the newspapers, that the planet Mars has already gone into
Opposition."
GRAND CROSS severely shook his head. There are some things too sacred
for a joke; his leaving the India Office is one. Moreover, not free
from certain jealousy in the matter. Fact is, been, so to speak,
"on the joke" himself. Modest merit, like murder, will out. No use
attempting to burke what is open secret. All those funereal jokes
in young Cross's speech--his "course of obituary notices" as ASQUITH
happily put it--were really GRAND CROSS's. CROSS _père_ composed them
in the seclusion of Eccle Riggs, and made them over to his son.
"Would never do, WILLIAM HENRY, for a man in my position to publicly
make a joke. I am not sure how it befits the Junior Counsel for
England in the Behring Sea Arbitration. But we must risk that.
There they are," he said, handing him a packet of manuscript in a
black-edged envelope, "and may a father's blessing accompany them."
There was, as I have said, some hesitation on part of House as to how
they were to be received. On the whole, went off well. The reference
to "the Government, at whose last hours we have now arrived," and the
proposal to write their epitaph, brought down the House. GRAND CROSS
sitting in Gallery nervously watching result, decidedly encouraged.
In larger leisure of Opposition we shall probably have more of these
vicarious flashes of latent humour.
[Illustration: OFF TO THE COUNTRY AGAIN.]
_Business done_.--Address moved, met with Vote of No Confidence,
submitted by ASQUITH in brilliant speech.
_Tuesday_.--Imminence of change in Ministry brings into prominence and
close proximity what is likely to happen in Ireland when Home Rule is
established. Irish Members of all sections on the alert. SAUNDERSON in
his war-paint, which assumes shape of luminous white waistcoat. Always
know, when the Colonel puts that on, he means business. Made to-night
good Derrydown speech punctuated by howls of execration from Irish
brethren opposite. That is just what Colonel enjoys; moved him to
higher nights of oratory. His lurid picture of ASQUITH, Q.C., "sitting
on the lips of Irish volcano," extremely effective. Irish Members
cruelly and effectually retorted by putting up REDMOND JUNIOR to
reply. Colonel gallantly smiled, but it was a gashly effort. Device
evidently effective. REDMOND did admirably; nothing could have been
better than his grave remark, to presumably alarmed House, that,
having for seven years sat opposite Colonel, he was able to assure
them that he was "perfectly harmless--perfectly harmless."
[Illustration: Honest John Burns.]
"Now that," said ASHBOURNE, in London just now winding up his
ministerial affairs, "is the cruellest thing I ever heard said of
SAUNDERSON."
Later, more serious evidence of seething condition of feeling in
Ulster brought under notice of House. Ross, Q.C., was returned at
General Election, in place of CHARLES LEWIS--a character useful as a
study for young Members, showing how a man of considerable ability,
and distinct Parliamentary aptitude, may prove a hopeless failure.
Ross born and brought up in Derry; accustomed to controversial
practices. Familiar from boyhood with the concrete form dialectics are
apt to take when indulged in beyond space of half an hour. "If
they mean business," Ross said confidentially to Honest JOHN BURNS,
"they'll find the Derry Boy in it."
So, before coming down to House, he carefully filled his
trouser-pocket with convenient-sized paving-stones. When he got up
just now, House stared with amazement at curious appearance presented
by the Orator. Ross, pleased with attention created, threw back his
coat, placed hands on hips, stiffened his legs, and made the most of
the paving-stones. Members opposite whispered, and tittered.
"Let them laugh that win," said Ross. "In case of a row, a
paving-stone in trouser-pocket is worth a Krupp's Battery in the
bush."
So it proved. Prevention better than cure. Nobody threw anything at
New Member for Derry, and, when he had concluded successful Maiden
Speech, went out and emptied his amazing pockets into his locker.
"I'll save 'em up for a rainy day, as the man said when he pawned his
landlord's umbrella," was Mr. Ross's remark as he hurried off home, at
least a quarter of a hundredweight lighter.
_Business done_.--More debate on Address.
_Thursday_.--Splendid House; full from floor to topmost tier of seats
in Strangers' Galleries. The last scene in history of Government. All
the Actors on. Boxes full; Stalls full; Pit full. Contrary to LORD
CHAMBERLAIN's regulations, chairs placed in gangways. Great rush for
these, as affording novel position. MATHERS, who got front seat, says
it was very nice, but not without compensating disadvantage. "Expected
every minute, you know, the man coming round for your penny, as they
do in the Parks."
CHAMBERLAIN had first call; greatly cheered by Conservatives when he
stood before footlights. Little bit of farce to begin with. ALPHEUS
CLEOPHAS rose with JOSEPH. Submitted as point of order that, in Moving
Adjournment on Tuesday night, JOSEPH had exhausted his right to speak.
House howled. Just as if, Lyceum crowded to see IRVING play _Charles
the First_, JOHNNIE TOOLE came before Curtain and explained that, as
CHARLES THE FIRST was indubitably beheaded some hundreds of years ago,
IRVING would be out of order in appearing to-night. Very well done,
and added something to interest of moment. But unnecessary. JOSEPH
equal to occasion without adventitious aid.
[Illustration: Don't Keir-Hardie, M.P. for 'Am.]
A fine speech, equal to the magnificent audience. Even DON'T
KEIR-HARDIE took off his cap to listen. JOSEPH never better with his
quick sharp thrust, his lunging blow, and his apt tripping up. As
usual, best where speech broken in upon with rude interruption. Note
the incident when launched upon his peroration, carefully prepared
and perilously adventured upon. House not passionately fond of
perorations. Will suffer them only from Mr. G. and one or two others.
CHAMBERLAIN rarely rises to peroration point. To-night a great
occasion. Solemn enough even for peroration. Rising with its swelling
tide, he came to ask "the wisest and the most sensible among you to
consider the situation." Standing at the moment with face turned to
Liberals above Gangway; from Irish camp behind his back rose shouts
of ironical cheers and noisy laughter, "Boo-oo!" CHAMBERLAIN stopped
perforce, and with scornful gesture of thumb over his shoulder at mob
behind, said, "Yes, to the others I do not speak;" then went on and
finished his sentence.
"A great day this, for JOSEPH," I said after, to SQUIRE OF MALWOOD.
"Ah," said. THE PERSONAGE, meditatively stroking a chin made for
Cabinets. "Yes, he's very important; he reminds me of a story I heard
when I was in Scotland. There was a funeral going on in a quiet street
in Glasgow. Among the company present was observed a man whom nobody
seemed to know, but who was bustling about as if he were in charge
of most things. At last the undertaker, jealous of his own position,
suggested he had better take a back seat. 'Losh man!' cried the
Unknown, his eyes blazing with indignation, 'I'm brither to the
corpp.' Dissentient Liberalism is dead; but JOE is brither to the
corpp, and we must bear with him a little."
That's all very well; but they haven't done with JOSEPH yet. There may
come times of distress and famine when he will be heard of from Egypt.
_Business done_.--The Government's. Wound up by a majority of 40 in
turbulent House of 660 Members.
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