A LATE VISITOR.
He was not a frequent visitor: indeed it is doubtful whether, save for a
visit of ceremony, he had ever been there before. As it was so near
bedtime the fire was low, and the two candles on the table gave very
little light in the dark wainscoted room. Outside it had seemed a ruddy
little star of domestic comfort, but within the prospect was less
cheerful. They had been preparing to go to bed. Mrs. John's work was
carefully folded and put away, even the little litter of thimbles and
thread on the table had been "tidied," as her usage was. A book lying
open, which was Hester's, was the only trace of occupation, and the dark
walls seemed to quench and repel the little light, except in some
polished projection here and there where there was a sort of reflection.
Mrs. John hastily lit the two candles on the mantelpiece which were
always ready "in case any one should come in," and which mirrored
themselves with a sort of astonishment in the little glass against which
they stood. She was eager to be hospitable, although she had a somewhat
warm realisation of Edward as on the other side: perhaps, indeed, this
of itself made her more anxious to show him "every attention," as a sort
of magnanimous way of showing that she bore no malice.
"It is rather too late to offer you tea," she said, "but perhaps a glass
of wine, Hester--for it is a cold night and your cousin has had a long
walk. I am very much relieved to hear that Catherine is quite well. For
the first moment I confess I was very much alarmed: for she has used her
head a great deal, and people say that paralysis----"
"I don't think she is at all a subject for that: her nerves are in
perfect order," Edward said.
"That is a great thing to say for the strongest of us," said Mrs. John,
sitting down in her chair again and furtively drawing her shawl round
her; for he could not surely mean to stay long at that hour, and it
seemed a pity to put more coals on the fire; "nerves is the weak point
with most ladies. I know to be sure that Catherine is a very remarkable
person, and not at all like the ordinary run. She has a masculine mind I
have always heard. You are like Hester, you are not at the ball
to-night--but you go generally, I hope?"
"I go sometimes; there was no particular attraction to-night," said
Edward.
He saw that Hester understood, and that the ready colour rose to her
face. How he longed to take the little tedious mother by the shoulders
and send her up stairs! A sort of longing for sympathy, for some one to
share his second and hidden life with him had seized upon him. He could
not have told her all, even if he could have got Hester to himself, but
he would have told her something, enough to keep the too full cup from
running over. But Mrs. John settled herself as comfortably as she could
in her chair. She tried to keep awake and make conversation. She would
not allow one of the opposite side to suppose that she was wanting in
courtesy. Hester sat down in the background and said nothing. She did
not share Edward's faith that her mother would soon be tired out and
leave them to themselves, but it was impossible that she should not to
some extent share his excitement of suspense and be anxious to know what
he had to say.
"I like young men to go to balls," Mrs. John said; "where could they be
so well as amusing themselves among their own kind of people? and though
perhaps Ellen may be a little silly, you know, I am sure she means well.
That is what I always say to Hester. Young people are apt to judge
severely, but Ellen always meant well. She might promise too much now
and then, but so do we all. It is so easy to make yourself agreeable by
just saying what will please; but then sometimes it is very difficult to
carry it out."
"Nothing could be more true," said Edward, with a little bow.
"Yes, it is very true," continued Mrs. John. "It seems all so easy at
the moment: but afterwards you have to take into consideration whether
it is suitable or not, and whether the person is just the right kind,
and to make everything fit: and all that is so difficult." Then there
was a little pause, and Mrs. John began to feel very sleepy. "Do you
often--take a walk--so late?" she said. "Oh, I know some gentlemen do.
Hester's poor papa; but then there was the club--I used always to think
it was the club----"
"Indeed I ought to apologise for venturing to ask admission at such an
hour," said Edward. "I should not have taken it upon me had not Hester
come out to the gate."
"Oh, that does not matter a bit," said Mrs. John, waving her hand. She
could scarcely keep her eyes open. After eleven o'clock--for the hour
had struck since he came in--Catherine ought to have had "a stroke" at
least to justify such a late visit. "You are sure you are not keeping
anything from us about poor dear Catherine?" she said anxiously. "Oh, I
think it is always better if there is any misfortune to say it out at
once."
Thus the conversation, if conversation it could be called, went on for
some time. Hester did not say a word. She sat a little behind them,
looking at them, herself in a state of growing impatience and suspense.
What could he have to say that made him come at such an hour--and was it
possible that he ever could get it said? There went on for some time
longer an interchange of hesitating remarks. Mrs. John got more and more
sleepy. Her eyes closed in spite of herself when Edward spoke. She
opened them again widely when his voice stopped, and smiled and said
something which was generally wide of the mark. At last Hester rose and
came to the back of her chair and stooped over her.
"Mamma, you are very tired, don't you think you had better go to bed?"
"I hope--" cried Edward, "I fear that my ill-timed visit----"
"Not for the world, dear," said Mrs. John in an undertone: "no doubt
he'll be going presently. Oh no, you must not think anything of the
sort--we often sit up much--later than this--" and she sat very upright
in her chair and opened her eyes wide, determined to do her duty at all
hazards. Then Edward rose, and looked at Hester with an entreaty which
she could not resist. She was so anxious too to know what he wanted.
"Don't come out, mother; I will open the door for Edward," she said.
"But you don't know the right turn of the key. Well then, perhaps--if
your cousin will excuse me--but be sure you lock the door right. It is a
difficult door. Put the key in as far as it will go--and then turn it to
the right. Let me see, is it the right? I know it is the wrong way, not
the way you generally turn a key. Well then, good-night. I hope you
don't think it very uncivil of me to leave you to Hester," Mrs. John
said, shaking hands, with that extremely wide-awake look which sleepy
persons put on.
Edward went out into the dark passages, following Hester and her candle
with a sense of something that must be said to her now. He had not
thought of this when he set out. Then he had been merely excited, glad
of the relief of the air and silence, scarcely aware that he wanted to
pour out his soul into the bosom of some one who would understand him,
of her who alone he thought could be trusted fully. But the obstacles,
the hindrances, had developed this longing. Why should he have made so
inappropriate a visit except under the stimulus of having something to
say? And she, too, was now expecting breathlessly, something which he
must have to say. When she set down her candle and opened the door into
the verandah, she turned round instinctively to hear what it was. The
white moon shone down straight through the glass roof, throwing black
shadows of all the wintry plants in the pots, and of the two who stood
curiously foreshortened by the light above them. She did not ask
anything, but her whole attitude was a question. He took both her hands
in his hands.
"It is nothing," he said, "that is, I don't know what there is to tell
you. I had come to a conclusion, after a great deal of thought. I had
settled to begin in a new way, and I felt that I must talk it over, that
I couldn't keep silent; and there is no one I could speak to with
freedom but you."
She did not withdraw her hands, or show any surprise at his confidence;
but only whispered "What is it, Edward?" breathlessly, with all the
excitement that had been gathering in her.
"I don't know how I can tell you," he said; "it is only business. If I
were to go into details you wouldn't understand. It is only that I've
made up my mind to a new course of action. I am burning my ships,
Hester. I must get rid of this shut-up life somehow. I have gone in to
win--a great fortune--or to lose----"
"Edward!" she said, with an unconscious pressure of his hands. "Tell
me--I think I could understand."
"So long as you feel with me, that is all I want," he said. "I feel
better now that I have told you. We shall make our fortune, dear,
or--but there is no or--we must succeed. I know we shall; and then,
Hester, my only love----"
He drew close to her, and kissed her in his excitement, straining her
hands. It was not a love-kiss, but the expression of that agitation
which was in his veins. She drew back from him in astonishment, but not
in anger, understanding it so.
"What is it? To win a great fortune, or--to lose--what? Edward, you are
not risking--other people?" she said.
"Pshaw!" he said, almost turning away from her. Then, next moment,
"Never mind other people, Hester. That will come all right. I hope you
don't think I am a fool. I have made a new departure, that is all, and
with everything in my favour. Wish me good luck, and keep my secret. It
seemed too big for me to keep all by myself. Now that I have put half of
it upon you I shall be able to sleep."
"But you have not told me anything," she said.
Upon which he laughed a little, in an agitated way, and said--
"Perhaps that is all the better. You know everything, and yet you know
nothing. I have been kept in long enough, and done as other people
would, not as I wished myself; and now that is over. There is no one in
the world to whom I would say so much, but you."
Hester was pleased and touched to the bottom of her heart.
"Oh, if I could only help you!" she cried; "if I could do anything, or
if you would tell me more! I know I could understand. But anyhow, if it
is a relief to you to tell me just as much as that; I am glad! only if I
could but help you----"
"At present no one could help; it is fortune that must decide."
"You mean Providence," said Hester, softly. She had never used the
phraseology of religious sentiment as many girls do at her age, and was
very shy in respect to it. But she added, under her breath, "And one can
always pray."
At this Edward, which was a sign of grace in him, though she did not
know it as such, drew back with a hasty movement. It gave him a strange
sensation to think of the success which he was seeking by such means
being prayed for, as if it had been a holy enterprise. But just then
Mrs. John stirred audibly within, as if about to come and inquire into
the causes of the delay. He kissed her again tenderly, without any
resistance on her part, and said--
"Good-night--good-night! I must not say any more."
Hester opened the outer door for him, letting in the cold night air. It
was a glorious night, still as only winter is, the moonlight filling up
everything. She stood for a moment looking after him, as he crossed the
threshold. When he had made a few steps into the night, he came back
again hastily, and caught her hands once more.
"Hester, we win or lose. Will you come away with me? Will you give up
all this for me? You don't love it any more than I do. Will you come
with me and be free?"
"Edward, you don't think what you are saying. You forget my mother," she
said.
He gave an impatient stamp with his foot; contradiction was intolerable
to him, or any objection at this moment. Then he called "Good-night,"
again, more loudly into the air, as though to reach Mrs. John in the
parlour, and hurried away.
"Edward was a long time saying good-night," said Mrs. John. "I suppose
you were talking about the ball; that is always what happens when you
give up a thing for a whim; you always regret it after. Of course you
would both have preferred to be there. I suppose that is why he came in
this evening, a thing he never did in his life before. Well, I must say
we are all indebted, more or less, to Ellen Merridew, Hester. She has
drawn us together in a way there never was any chance of in the old
times. Fancy Edward Vernon coming into our house in that sort of
unceremonious way! It was too late. I would never encourage a gentleman
to come so late: but still it showed a friendly spirit, and a confidence
that he would be welcome, which is always nice. I must tell him next
time I see him that I shall be delighted at any time to have him here,
only not quite so late at night."
"I dare say it will not happen again," Hester said.
"Why shouldn't it happen again? It is the most natural thing in the
world; only I shall tell him that usually we are all shut up by ten
o'clock. It did give me a great fright to begin with, for I thought he
must have come to tell us that Catherine was ill. She has always been so
strong and well that I shouldn't wonder at all if it was something
sudden that carried her off in the end; and whenever it does come it
will be a great shock; besides that, it will break up everything. This
house will probably be sold, and----"
"Catherine Vernon does not look at all like dying," Hester said. "Please
do not calculate upon what would happen."
"My dear, it does not make a thing happen a day the sooner that we take
it into consideration; for we will have to, when the time comes. We
shall all have to leave our houses, and it will make a great deal of
difference. Of course we can't expect her heirs to do the same kind of
thing as Catherine has done. No, I confess that was what I thought, and
it was a great relief to me to hear--did you lock the door, Hester? I
hope you remembered to turn the key the wrong way. The fire is quite
safe, I think, and I have shut the shutters. Carry the candle and let us
go to bed."
Mrs. John continued to talk while they were undressing, though she had
been so sleepy during Edward's visit. She would permit no hasty
manipulation of Hester's hair, which had to be brushed for twenty
minutes every night. She thought its beauty depended upon this
manipulation, and never allowed it to be omitted, and as this peaceful
exercise was gone through, and her mother's gentle commentary ran on, it
is impossible to describe the force of repressed thought and desire for
silence and quiet which was in Hester's veins. She answered at random
when it was necessary to answer at all, but Mrs. John took no notice.
She had been roused up by that curious visit. She took longer time than
usual for all her own little preparations, and was more particular than
usual about the hair-brushing. The fire was cheerful in the outer room,
which was the mother's, and on account of this fire it was the
invariable custom that Hester should do her hair-brushing there. Her
mother even tried a new way of arranging Hester's hair, so full was she
of that mental activity which so often adds to the pangs of those who
are going through a secret crisis. It seemed hours before the girl was
finally allowed to put out the candle, and steal back into the cold
moonlight, into her own little room where the door always stood open
between her and her mother. Hester would have liked to close that door;
her thoughts seemed too big, too tumultuous, not to betray themselves.
Soon, however, Mrs. John's calm, regular breathing, showed her to be
asleep, and then Hester felt free to deliver herself up to that torrent
of thought.
Was it possible that not very long since she had scorned herself for
almost sharing Emma's ignoble anxiety that he should "speak." It had
chafed and fretted her almost beyond endurance to feel herself thus on
the same level as Emma, obliged to wait till he should declare his
wishes, feeling herself so far subordinate and dependent, an attitude
which her pride could not endure. Now he had spoken indeed--not in the
conventional way, saying he loved her and asking her to marry him, as
people did in books. Edward had taken it for granted that she was well
aware of his love--how could it be otherwise? Had not she known from the
beginning, when their eyes met, that there was an interchange in that
glance different from and more intimate than all the intercourse she had
ever had with others? Even when she had been so angry with him, when he
had passed by her in Catherine Vernon's parties with but that look,
indignant as she had been, was there not something said and replied to
by their eyes such as had never passed between her and any other all her
life long?--"My only love." She knew she was his only love. The
remembrance of the words made her heart beat, but she felt now that she
had known them all along. Since the first day when they met on the
common, she a child, he in the placidity of unawakened life, there had
been nobody to each but the other. She knew and felt it clearly now--she
had known it and felt it all along, she said to herself--but it had
wanted that word to make it flash into the light. And how unlike
ordinary love-making it all was! He had come to her, not out of any
stupid doubt about her response to him, not with any intention of
pleading his own cause, but only because his burden was too much for
him, his heart too full, and she was the only one in all the world upon
whom to lean it. Hester said to herself, with fine scorn, that to
suppose the question, "Do you love me?" to be foremost in a man's mind
when he was fully immersed in the business and anxieties of life, was to
make of love not a great but a petty thing. How could he fail to know
that as he had looked upon her all those years so she had looked upon
him? "My only love"--the words were delightful, like music to her ears;
but still more musical was the thought that he had come to her not to
say them--that he had come to lean upon her, upon her arm, and her
heart--to tell her that something had happened to him which he could not
tell to any one else in the world. To think that he should have been
drawn out of his home, along the wintry road, out into the night, solely
on the hope of seeing her and reposing his over-full mind upon her,
conveyed to Hester's soul a proud happiness, a sense of noble
befittingness and right, which was above all the usual pleasure (she
thought) of a newly disclosed love. He had disclosed it in the noblest
way, by knowing that it needed no disclosure, by coming to her as the
other part of him when he was in utmost need. Had Edward calculated
deeply the way to move her he could not have chosen better; but he did
it instinctively, which was better still--truly needing, as he said,
that outlet which only the most intimate unity of being, the closest of
human connections, could give. Hester could think of nothing but this in
the first rapture. There were other things to be taken into
consideration--what the momentous step was which he had taken, and what
was the meaning of that wild proposal at the end. To go away with him,
win or lose---- She would not spoil the first sweet impression with any
thought of these, but dropped asleep at last, saying to herself "My only
love" with a thrill of happiness beyond all words. She had believed she
would not sleep at all, so overflowing was her mind with subjects of
thought, but these words were a sort of lullaby which put the other more
important matters out of her head. "My only love"--if it was he who had
said them, or she who had said them, she could scarcely tell. They
expressed everything--the meaning of so many silent years.
Edward was making his way as quietly as possible into the house which
had been his home for so many years, while Hester turned over these
things in her mind. He had loitered on the way back, saying to himself
that if Catherine should chance not to be asleep, it was better that she
should suppose him to have gone to the Merridews. He felt himself
something like a thief in the night as he went in, taking his candle and
going softly up the carpeted stairs not to disturb her--a proceeding
which was for his sake, not for hers, for he had no desire to be
questioned in the morning and forced to tell petty lies, a thing he
disliked, not so much for the sake of the lies as for the pettiness of
them. But Catherine, disturbed by a new anxiety which she did not
understand, was lying awake, and did hear him, cautious as he was. She
said to herself, "He has not stayed long to-night," with a sense half of
satisfaction, half of alarm. Never before during all the years he had
been under her roof had this feeling of insecurity been in her mind
before. She did not understand it, and tried to put it aside and take
herself to task for a feeling which did Edward injustice, good as he
was, and had always been, in his relations with her. If some youthful
tumult was in his mind, unsettling him, there was nothing extraordinary
in that--if he was "in love," that natural solution of youthful
agitations. It is common to say and think that mothers, and those who
stand in a mother's place, are jealous of a new comer, and object to be
no longer the first in their child's affections. Catherine smiled in the
dark, as she lay watching and thinking. This should not stand in
Edward's way--provided that he made a right choice! But whatever choice
he made, it would be for him, not her, she reflected, with a magnanimity
almost beyond nature, and it would be strange if she could not put up
with it for his sake. She had not, indeed, the smallest idea in which
direction his thoughts had turned. But there was something in the air
which communicated alarm.
When Hester woke next morning, it was not with the same sense of
beatitude which had rapt her from all other considerations on the
previous night, notwithstanding her high certainty that the mere love
declared was but secondary in her mind to the noble necessity of having
to share the burdens and bear part in the anxieties of her lover.
Everything else he said had, in fact, been little to her in comparison
with the three words which had been going through her mind and her
dreams the whole night, and which sprang to her lips in the morning like
an exquisite refrain of happiness, but which gradually, as she began to
think, went back out of the foreground, leaving her subject to questions
and thoughts of a very different description. What had the crisis been
through which he had passed? What was the new departure, the burning of
the ships? There must be some serious meaning in words so serious as
these. And then that wild suggestion that she should fly with him,
whether they gained or lost, "away from all this; you don't love it any
more than I do"--what did that mean? Alarm was in her mind along with
the excitement of a secret half-revealed. An eager and breathless
longing to see him again, to know what it meant, gained possession of
her mind. Then there floated back into her ears Roland's remark, which
had half-offended her at the time, which she had thought unnecessary,
almost impertinent, that Edward "lost his head." In what did he lose his
head? She remembered the whole conversation as her mind went back to it.
Edward was too hot and eager; he had a keen eye, but he lost his head;
he was tired of the monotony of his present life. And then there came
his own statement about burning his ships. What did it all mean? She
began to piece everything together, dimly, as she could with her
imperfect knowledge. She had no training in business, and did not know
in what way he could risk in order to gain--though of course this was a
commonplace, and she had often heard before of men who had lost
everything or gained everything in a day. But when Hester thought of the
bank, and of all the peaceable wealth with which Vernon's was
associated, and of the young men going to their office tranquilly every
day, and the quiet continual progress of their affairs, she could not
understand how everything could hang upon a chance, how fortune could be
gained or lost in a moment. It was scarcely more difficult to imagine
the whole economy of the world dropping out in a moment, the heavens
rolling up like a scroll, and the foundations of the earth giving way,
than to imagine all that long-established framework of money-making
collapsing so that one of the chief workers in it could talk of burning
his ships and suggest a moment when he should fly away from all
this--which could only mean from every established order of things. That
her heart should rise with the sense of danger, and that she should be
ready to give her anxious help and sympathy and eager attention, to the
mystery, whatever it was, did not make any difference in Hester's sudden
anxiety and alarm. The earth seemed to tremble under her feet. Her whole
life and the action of the world itself seemed to hang in suspense. She
did what she had never in her life thought possible before. She went out
early, pretending some little business, and hung about on the watch,
with her veil down, and her mind in a tumult impossible to describe, to
meet Edward, if possible, on his way to the bank. Could it be Hester, so
proud, so reserved as she was, that did this? Her cheeks burned and her
heart beat with shame: but it seemed to her that she could not endure
the suspense, that she must see and question him, and know what it was.
But Edward had gone to the bank earlier than usual, which was a relief
as well as a disappointment unspeakable to her. She stole home, feeling
herself the most shameless, the least modest of girls; yet wondered
whether she could restrain herself and keep still, and not make another
effort to see him, for how could she live in this suspense? Punishment
came upon her, condign and terrible. She fell into the hands of Emma
Ashton, who was taking a little walk along the road in the morning, to
wake her up a little, she said, after the ball last night, and who,
utterly unconscious of Hester's trouble and agitated looks, had so many
things to tell her, and turned back with her, delighted to have a
companion. "For though a little exercise is certainly the best thing for
you, it is dull when you take it all by yourself," Emma said.