Your letter hurt me so dreadfully, I cried and cried. Oh, Petra, you
can’t love me at all, or you wouldn’t say such awful things. You can’t
really think that if I love you I ought to let _him_ divorce _me_.
Darling, do think how horrible it would be! How could I go through all
that terrible shame in public, and all my friends looking on and
thinking hateful things about our beautiful love! At least, I suppose I
could go through with it—one can go through all kinds of agonies and
still live—but that you should _want_ me to do it—that you could think
of your Lolo in such a sordid way—that’s what hurts me, darling. You
used to say you wanted to stand between me and trouble, and couldn’t
bear to think of anything ugly touching our pure and lovely passion. And
yet now you want to smirch me with the stain of the divorce courts and
see my name in the papers for people to snigger at. Oh, Petra, it’s
absolutely clear you don’t really love me one bit.
You couldn’t feel the same to me, Petra, I know that, if I came to you
all dirtied and draggled from an ordeal like that. Just think of having
to stand up in the witness-box and tell the judge all about our love. It
would all sound so different to their worldly, coarse, horrible minds,
and our love would seem just a vulgar, nasty—I don’t like to write the
word they would call it, even to you—instead of the pure, clean, divine
thing it really is.
Darling, I’m not thinking of myself—I’m thinking of you and our love. I
don’t want a single spot to touch it. It would be better to suffer all
our lives as we are suffering now—as _I_ am suffering, for sometimes,
Petra, I don’t think you suffer at all—rather than to look at each
other with the shadow of an ugly scandal between us. You don’t
understand. You don’t realise what a difference these things make to a
woman. It does not make any difference to a man, but even you would see
the stain on me for ever afterwards, and would turn against me.
Tell me you don’t really mean it, darling. There must be some other way
out. Let us think very hard and find out. Or if you really think so
little of me, tell me so, and we will say good-bye again—for always,
this time. I expect I was wrong to stick to our agreement before. You
wanted to be released then, and you wouldn’t have asked it if you hadn’t
been tired of me already in your heart. Let’s end it all, Petra. Perhaps
I shall die, and then you will be free. I feel unhappy enough to
die—and if I’m too strong for wretchedness to kill me, there are always
easy ways out of it all.
Your heart-broken
LOLO