There is a convict at Pentonville who is said to be exactly like the
KAISER. He feels that in view of the great inconvenience he has suffered it
is the KAISER'S duty at once to remove his moustache or grow side whiskers.
***
The KAISER is in a bit of a hole. Attending a special service for the
success of the War, he is reported to have "sung the _De Profundis_ at the
top of his voice." All the rest of him, including the lower part of his
voice, seems to have been submerged.
***
The revolutionary spirit in Germany seems to have extended to the vegetable
kingdom. In a riot at Barmen which occurred recently the chief of police
was "seriously wounded" by a turnip.
***
The _Berliner Tageblatt_ states that for appearing at a private concert a
famous opera singer has been paid in food, including sixty eggs. The custom
is not unknown to some of our own music-hall artistes, who however are
usually more than content with receiving "the bird."
***
According to a _Globe_ report Mr. CHARLES GULLIVER is giving at the
Palladium "a programme of real entertainers." Enterprise and originality
are always to be commended in a manager.
***
A telegram from Mexico City announces that General CARRANZA has been
elected President of the Mexican Republic. It is expected that a full list
of the casualties will be published shortly.
***
A Melbourne despatch states that Mr. HUGHES has been offered thirty-four
seats in the forthcoming elections. The Opposition, it is understood, has
expressed its willingness to allow Mr. HUGHES to occupy all thirty-four.
***
So effective has been the attempt to reduce circulation that we are not
surprised to find a provincial paper advertising in _The Daily Telegraph_
for "A Reader."
***
"There is no monument more enduring than brass," writes Mr. GEORGE BERNARD
SHAW, War Correspondent. The general feeling, however, is that there is a
kind of brass that is beyond enduring.
***
The idea of blaming _Queen Elizabeth_ for the Dardanelles fiasco is so
entirely satisfactory to all parties concerned that it is being freely
asked why the Commission couldn't have thought of that itself.
***
The new order prohibiting newspapers from printing contents bills is
bearing hardly in certain quarters, and it is rumoured that at least one
sensational contemporary has offered to forgo publishing itself in return
for the privilege of selling its posters.
***
By order of the General Officer Commanding the London District the Grafton
Galleries have been placed out of bounds. Or, as they say in the best
War-time dancing circles, out of leaps and bounds.
***
[Illustration: PROGRESS.]
***
Kensington Council states that 300,000 tons of food are consumed annually
by thousands of dogs which serve no useful purpose. The dogs, on the other
hand, are asking what would become of the nation's womanhood if there were
no dogs to take it out for exercise in the afternoon.
***
The Government, it appears, is determined to keep Charing Cross Railway
Station on the North side of the river. All the objections to the present
site, they point out, are easily outweighed by its proximity to the
National Gallery.
***
At Highgate, says a news item, a man named YELLS was fined for having in
his possession pork which was not sound. It was suggested that defendant
had held back the squeal for his own purposes.
***
An applicant recently informed the House of Commons' Tribunal that cutting
sandwiches was highly skilled work, which could not be done satisfactorily
by women. The difficulty appears to consist not in the actual cutting, but
in conveying the hammy taste from the knife to the bread without actually
parting with the ham itself.
***
Skipping is recommended as a healthy recreation. Several Germans on the
Ancre say they already owe their lives to this practice.
***
It is now proposed that Telephone Directories should be charged for. The
idea appears to be to bring them into line with other light literature; but
_Punch_ fears no rivals.
***
It has been decided by Mr. PAUL TAYLOR at Marylebone that bacon is meat.
Lord DEVONPORT, now that his suspicion has been judicially confirmed, has
announced his intention of going ahead on that basis.
***
From a school-girl's examination paper:--"_Question._ What do you know of
Tantalus? _Answer_: Tantalus suffered from continual hunger and thirst in
internal regions."
* * * * *