"High minds of native pride and force
Most deeply feel thy pangs, remorse!
Fear of their scourge mean villains have;
Thou art the torture of the brave."
--Scott.
Max sat before his writing-table, his folded arms upon it, and his face
hidden upon them. He was in sore distress of mind. How he had fallen
before temptation! into what depths of disgrace and sin! sin that in olden
times would have been punished with death, even as the horrible crime of
murder, and that must still be as hateful as ever in the sight of an
unchangeable God.
And not only that sin, of which he had thought he had so truly and deeply
repented, but another which he had always been taught was a very low and
degrading vice. Oh, could there be forgiveness for him?
And how would his dear honored father feel when the sad story should reach
his ears? would it indeed break his heart as Grandpa Dinsmore had said?
The boy's own heart was overwhelmed with grief, dismay, and remorse as he
asked himself these torturing questions.
The door opened, but so softly that the sound was lost in his bitter
sobbing, then a hand rested lightly, tenderly upon his bowed head, and a
gentle, pitying voice said, "My poor, dear boy, my heart bleeds for you."
"O Grandma Elsie!" he burst out, "can you say that to such a wicked fellow
as I am?"
"Did not Jesus weep with compassion over the sinners of Jerusalem, many of
whom were even then plotting His death? And, Maxie, He pities you in your
fallen estate, and is ready to forgive you the moment you turn to Him with
grief and hatred of your sin and an earnest desire to forsake it, and to
give yourself to His service."
"Oh, I do, I do hate it!" he cried out with vehemence. "I didn't mean ever
to swear any more, and I feel as if I'd rather cut off my right hand than
to do it again! But oh, how can I ask Him to forgive me, when He did once,
and I've gone and done the same wicked thing again, just as if I hadn't
been really sorry at all, though I was sure I was! Grandma Elsie, what
shall I do?"
"'Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return unto the Lord, and He will have mercy upon him, and to our
God, for He will abundantly pardon.'
"'He is the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering and
abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving
iniquity and transgression and sin.'
"'His name is Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins.' He
says, 'Him that cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out.' 'O Israel,
thou hast destroyed thyself; but in me is thine help.'
"'Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though
they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.'
"'I, even I, am He that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake,
and will not remember thy sins.'"
"Oh, He is very good to say that!" sobbed the penitent boy. "But won't you
ask Him to forgive me, Grandma Elsie?"
"Yes, Max, but you must pray, too, for yourself; confess your sins to Him,
and ask Him to blot them out and remember them no more against you,
because Jesus has suffered their penalty in your stead. Shall we kneel
down now and ask Him?"
She stayed with him some time longer, talking in tender, motherly fashion;
not extenuating his guilt, but speaking of the blood that cleanseth from
all sin, the love and tender compassion of Jesus, His willingness and
ability to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him.
Warning him, too, of the danger from evil associates and from indulgence
in the vice of gambling.
Then she told him he was not too young to begin to lead a Christian life,
and urged him to do so without a moment's delay.
"I think I do want to be a Christian, Grandma Elsie," he said, "if I only
knew just how."
"It is to leave the service of Satan for that of the Lord Jesus Christ,"
she said. "It is to give yourself body and soul, at once and forever, to
Jesus, trusting in Him alone for salvation from sin and eternal death.
"'Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved,' 'Look unto
me and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth.'
"Just take the first step, and He will help you on all the way, one step
at a time, till you reach the gates of the celestial city. 'This God is
our God forever and ever, He will be our guide even unto death.'
"Just speak to the Lord Jesus, dear Max, as if you could see Him standing
before you while you knelt at His feet; say to Him as the leper did,
'Lord, if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.' Tell Him how full you are
of the dreadful leprosy of sin, how unable to heal yourself, and beseech
Him to do the work for you, to wash you and make you clean and cover you
with the robe of His righteousness; give yourself to Him, asking Him to
accept the worthless gift and make you entirely and forever His own."
She rose to leave him.
"Oh, do stay a little longer!" he pleaded, clinging to her hand. "Tell me,
do you think Mamma Vi will ever love me any more? that she will ever kiss
me again?" he sobbed.
"I am sure she will, Max," Elsie answered in moved tones; "she has not
ceased to love you, and I think will come and speak a word to you now, if
you wish it."
"Oh, so much! only--only I'm dreadfully ashamed to look her in the face.
And--O Grandma Elsie, do you think it will break my father's heart when he
hears it all?"
"It will make him very sad indeed, I have no doubt, Max," she answered,
gently, "but if he hears, too, that you have truly repented and given your
heart to God, he cannot fail to be greatly comforted. Tell him the whole
truth, my dear boy, don't try to conceal anything from him."
"It's what I mean to do, Grandma Elsie," he said with a heavy sigh,
"though I'd rather take the worst kind of a flogging. And that's what I'd
get if he was here, for he told me so."
"I am very glad you love your father so well, Max, and that your sorrow is
more for grieving him, and especially for having dishonored and displeased
God, than for the unpleasant consequences to yourself; it gives me great
hope that you will never be guilty of such conduct again.
"Now, I shall go and send your mamma to you; she is in her own rooms, for
she has been too much distressed over her dear boy's sad fall to join the
others at the table or in the drawing-room. She loves you very dearly,
Max."
"It's very good of her," he said in trembling tones, "and oh, I'm ever so
sorry to have grieved her so!"
Violet was greatly comforted by her mother's report of her interview with
Max, because both saw in his conduct and words the evidence of sincere
repentance toward God, giving them strong hope of his future avoidance of
the sins of profanity and gambling.
She went to him presently, put her arms about him, kissed him, wept with
him, and like her mother pointed him to the Saviour, telling of His
willingness to forgive every truly penitent soul.
"O Mamma Vi," he sobbed, "I thought I was that before, when papa showed me
what an awful sin swearing was, and I didn't think I could ever do it
again; but I got dreadfully angry with Ralph because he cheated me out of
everything--all my money and my watch that I've always thought so much of,
you know--and the wicked words slipped out before I knew it; they just
seemed to speak themselves."
"Ah, dear Max, that is one of the dreadful consequences of allowing
ourselves to fall into such wicked ways; it is the power of habit which
grows upon us till we are bound by it as with an iron chain.
"The Bible says, 'His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he
shall be holden with the cords of his sins.' So the longer any one lives
in sin, the harder it is for him to break away from it--to repent and be
converted and saved. Therefore, I beseech you to come to Jesus now; God's
time is always now."
"Mamma Vi, I think I have," he said low and humbly; "I tried to do it with
my heart, when Grandma Elsie was praying for me."
"O Max, dear Max, I am very glad!" she returned with tears of joy in her
eyes. "And your father will rejoice almost as the angels do in heaven when
a sinner repents and is saved."
"It's a dreadful task to have to write down all about this afternoon for
him to read," sighed the boy.
"But you will do it, Max? will you tell him the whole truth like a brave
boy?" queried Violet anxiously.
"Yes, ma'am, I will. Oh, I wish he were here! so I could just tell him,
and have it all over in a few minutes. But now it will be so long that
I'll have to wait to hear what he has to say about it."
Violet expressed her sympathy, joining very heartily in his wish for his
father's presence, then left him to his task.
"Seems to me it's a little like marching up to the cannon's mouth," Max
said to himself, as he took out his writing materials and dipped his pen
in the ink, "but it's got to be done, and I'll have it over."
He cogitated a moment, then began. "Dear papa, I've been doing very wrong
for 'most a week--letting a fellow teach me to play cards and gamble; we
didn't play for money or anything but fun at first, but afterward we did;
and I lost all the money I had, and, worse still, the nice watch you sent
me.
"But the very worst is to come. You would never believe I could be so
terribly wicked after all you said to me, and I wouldn't have believed it
myself, and oh, I don't like to tell you, for I'm afraid it will almost
break your heart, papa, to know you have such a wicked boy for your only
son!
"But I have to tell you, because you know you said I must tell you
everything bad I did.
"Well, I was sure the fellow had cheated, and I got very mad, and called
him a cheat and a thief. Then he got mad and swore horrible oaths at me,
and called me a liar, and that made me madder than ever, and--O papa, how
can I write it for you to see? I swore at him."
The boy's tears were dropping upon the paper. He dashed them hastily away,
and went on writing.
"I am dreadfully, dreadfully sorry, papa! I think I was never so sorry for
anything in all my life, because--because it was so wicked and ungrateful
to God. I've asked Him to forgive me for Jesus' sake, and Grandma Elsie
has asked Him for me, too, and Mamma Vi told me she had been praying for
me. And I've tried to give myself to the dear Saviour, and I hope I'll be
His servant all the rest of my life.
"I think He has forgiven me, and will you forgive me, too, papa? I'm to
stay alone here in my room for a week. Mamma Vi says you said that was the
way I should be punished, if I ever did that wicked thing again, and it
isn't a bit worse than I deserve."