"William," said Dr. Lavendar, "you may tell me anything I ought to know
about Mrs. Richie."
The doctor looked at him with a start, and a half-spoken question.
"Yes; she told me. But I want to ask you about the man. She didn't say
much about him."
This was Sunday evening; David had gone to bed, and Danny had climbed
up into Dr. Lavendar's chair, and been gently deposited on the
hearth-rug. "No, Daniel; not to-night, sir. I've got to have my chair
just this once." William had come in for his usual smoke, but he had
been more than usually silent. When Dr. Lavendar gave his calm
permission, the doctor's wretched perplexity of the past month could
hardly find words. He said, first of all,
"David? Of course you will take him away. It will break her heart!"
"A broken heart is not such a bad thing, Willy. Our Heavenly Father
does not despise it."
"Dr. Lavendar, why can't she keep him? She'll never see that scoundrel
again!"
"Do you think a woman with such a story is fit to bring up a child,
William?"
The doctor was silent.
"She thinks not, herself," said Dr. Lavendar.
"Does she?" William King said; and a minute afterwards fumbled in his
coat tails for his pocket-handkerchief. "What is she going to do?" he
asked huskily.
"She feels that she had better leave Old Chester."
"Do you think so, sir?"
Dr. Lavendar sighed. "I would like to have her here; I would like to
take care of her, for a while. But I don't think she could stand it; on
your account."
"My account!" William King pushed his chair back, and got on his feet;
"Dr. Lavendar, I--I--"
"She would feel the embarrassment of your knowledge," said the old man.
Dr. King sat down. Then he said, "I am the last man to judge her."
"'Beginning at the eldest, even unto the last,'" murmured Dr. Lavendar.
"Shame is a curious thing, William. It's like some of your medicines.
The right amount cures. Too much kills. I've seen that with hard
drinkers. Where a drunkard is a poor, uneducated fellow, shame gives
him a good boost towards decency. But a man of education, William, a
man of opportunity--if he wakes up to what he has been doing, shame
gives him such a shove he is apt to go all round the circle, and come
up just where he started! Shame is a blessed thing,--when you don't get
too much of it. She would get too much of it here. But--" he stopped
and smiled; "sin has done its divine work, I think."
"Sin?"
"Yes," said Dr. Lavendar, cheerfully; "have you ever noticed that every
single human experience--except, perhaps, the stagnation of conceit; I
haven't found anything hopeful in that yet; but maybe I shall some
day!--but, except for conceit, I have never known any human experience
of pain or sin that could not be the gate of heaven. Mind! I don't say
that it always is; but it can be. Has that ever occurred to you?"
"Well, no," the doctor confessed; "I can't say that it has."
"Oh, you're young yet," Dr. Lavendar said encouragingly, "My boy, let
me tell you that there are some good folks who don't begin to know
their Heavenly Father, as the sinner does who climbed up to Him out of
the gutter."
"A dangerous doctrine," William ruminated.
"Oh, I don't preach it," Dr. Lavendar said placidly "but I don't preach
everything I know."
William was not following him. He said abruptly, "What are you going to
do with David?"
"David is going to stay with me."
And William said again, "It will break her heart!"
"I hope so," said Dr. Lavendar solemnly, How he watched that poor
heart, in the next few days! Every afternoon his shabby old buggy went
tugging up the hill. Sometimes he found her walking restlessly about in
the frosted garden; sometimes standing mutely at the long window in the
parlor, looking for him; sometimes prostrate on her bed. When he took
her hand--listless one day, fiercely despairing the next,--he would
glance at her with a swift scrutiny that questioned, and then waited.
The pity in his old eyes never dimmed their relentless keenness; they
seemed to raid her face, sounding all the shallows in search of depths.
For with his exultant faith in human nature, he believed that somewhere
in the depths he should find God, It is only the pure in heart who can
find Him in impurity, who can see, behind the murky veil of stained
flesh, the very face of Christ declaring the possibilities of the
flesh!--but this old man sought and knew that he should find Him. He
waited and watched for many days, looking for that recognition of
wrong-doing which breaks the heart by its revelation of goodness that
might have been; for there is no true knowledge of sin, without a
divine and redeeming knowledge of righteousness! So, as this old saint
looked into the breaking heart, pity for the sinner who was base
deepened into reverence for the child of God who might be noble. It is
an easy matter to believe in the confident soul; but Dr. Lavendar
believed in a soul that did not believe in itself!
It seemed to Helena that she had nothing to live for; that there was
nothing to do except shiver back out of sight, and wait to die. For the
time was not yet when she should know that her consciousness of sin
might be the chased and fretted Cup from which she might drink the
sacrament of life; when she should come to understand, with
thanksgiving, that unless she had sinned, the holy wine might never
have touched her lips!
In these almost daily talks with Dr. Lavendar, the question of the
future was beaten out: it was a bleak enough prospect; it didn't
matter, she said, where she went, or what became of her, she had
spoiled her life, she said. "Yes," Dr. Lavendar agreed, "you've spoiled
what you've had of it. But your Heavenly Father has the rest, in His
hands, and He'll give it to you clean and sound. All you've got to do,
is to keep it so, and forget the spoiled part." That was the only thing
he insisted upon: no dwelling on the past!
"I wish I was one of the people who want to do things," she told him
with a sort of wistful cynicism. "But I don't. I have no story-book
desires. I don't want to go and nurse lepers!--but I will, if you want
me to," she added with quick and touching simplicity.
Dr Lavendar smiled, and said that nursing lepers was too easy. He had
suggested that she should live in a distant city;--he had agreed at
once to her assertion that she could not stay in Old Chester. "I know
some nice people there," he said; "Ellen Bailey lives there, she's
Ellen Spangler now. You've heard me speak of her? Spangler is a parson;
he's a good fellow, but the Lord denied him brains to any great extent.
But Ellen is the salt of the earth. And she can laugh. You'll like her."
"But what will I do when I get there?"
"I think Ellen may find something to keep you busy," he said
cheerfully; "and, meantime, I'll make a suggestion myself: study
Hebrew."
"Hebrew!"
"Or Arabic; or Russian; it doesn't matter which, your mind needs
exercise."
"When you said Hebrew, I thought you meant so I could read the Bible."
"Ho!" said Dr. Lavendar, "I think King James's version is good enough
for you; or anybody else. And I wouldn't want you to wait until you can
read backwards, to read your Bible. No; I only meant that you need
something to break your mind on. Hebrew is as good as anything else."
She meditated on this for a while, "I begin to understand," she said
with her hesitating smile; and Dr. Lavendar was mightily pleased, for
he had not seen that smile of late.
Sometimes they talked about David, Mrs. Richie asking questions in a
smothered voice; but she never begged for him. That part of her life
was over. Dr. Lavendar sometimes brought the child with him when he and
Goliath climbed the hill for that daily visit: but he always took him
back again. Indeed, the Rectory was now definitely the little boy's
home. Of course Old Chester knew that the Stuffed Animal House was to
lose its tenant, and that David had gone to live with Dr. Lavendar. "I
wonder why she doesn't take him with her?" said Old Chester; and called
to say good-by and hint that Mrs. Richie must be sorry to leave the
little boy behind her? Helena said briefly, yes, she was "sorry." And
Old Chester went away no wiser than it came. William King, wise and
miserable, did not call. His wife said that she would say good-by for
him, if he was too busy to go up the hill.
"It seems to me you've been very busy lately," she told him; "I've
hardly had a glimpse of you. I only hope it will show on your bills. It
is very foolish, William, to take patients so far back in the country;
I don't believe it pays, considering how much time it takes. But I'll
tell Mrs. Richie you send your respects, and say good-by for you."
"You needn't mind," said the doctor.
Mrs. King went to make her adieux the very next day. Her manner was so
cordial that Helena was faintly surprised; but, as Martha told Dr.
Lavendar, cordiality did not mean the sacrifice of truth to any false
idea of politeness.
"I didn't tell her I was sorry she was going," Martha said, standing by
the roadside in the chill November wind, talking into the buggy,
"because, to speak flatly and frankly, I am not. I don't consider that
her example is very good for Old Chester, She is not a good
housekeeper. I could tell you certain things--however, I won't, I never
gossip. I just said, very kindly,' Good-by, Mrs. Richie. I hope you'll
have a pleasant journey.' That was all. No insincere regrets. That's
one thing about me, Dr. Lavendar, I may not be perfect, but I never say
anything, just to be pleasant!"
"I've noticed that," said Dr. Lavendar; "G'on, Goliath."
And Martha, in great spirits, told her William at tea, that, though Dr.
Lavendar was failing, she had to admit he could still see people's good
qualities. "I told him I hadn't put on any airs of regret about Mrs.
Richie, and he said he had always noticed my frankness."
William helped himself to gooseberry jam in silence.
"You do leave things so catacornered!" Martha observed, laying the thin
silver spoon straight in the dish. "William, I never knew anybody so
incapable as that woman. I asked her how she had packed her preserves
for moving. She said she hadn't made any! Think of that, for a
housekeeper. Oh, and I found out about that perfumery, I just asked
her. It's nothing but ground orris!"
William said he would like a cup of tea.
"I can't make her out," Martha said, touching the teapot to make sure
it was hot; "I've always said she wasn't her brother's equal, mentally.
But you do expect a woman to have certain feminine qualities, now the
idea of adopting a child, and then deserting him!"
"She hadn't adopted him," William said.
"It's the same thing; she took him, and now she gets tired of him, and
won't keep him. She begins a thing, but she doesn't go on with it."
"I suppose it's better not to begin it?" William said. And there was an
edge in his voice that caused Mrs. King to hold her tongue. "Martha,"
the doctor said, after a while and with evident effort, "can you give
me an early breakfast to-morrow morning? I've got to go back into the
country, and I want to make an early start."
Helena Richie, too, meant to make an early start the next morning; it
was the day that she was to leave Old Chester. The plan of going to the
western city had gradually shaped itself, and while Dr. Lavendar was
writing to those friends of his, and Helena corresponding with a
real-estate agent, the packing-up at the Stuffed Animal House had
proceeded. Now it was all done; Maggie and Sarah had had their wages,
and several presents besides; the pony had been shipped from Mercer;
the rabbits boxed and sent down to the Rectory; all was done;--except
the saying good-by to David. But Helena told herself that she would not
say good-by to him. She could not, she said. She would see him, but he
should not know it was good-by. And so she asked Dr. Lavendar to send
the child up to her the day before she was to go away;--by himself.
"You'll trust him with me for an hour?" she said.
She meant to cuddle the child, and give him the "forty kisses" which,
at last, he was ready to accept, and let him chatter of all his
multitudinous interests. Then she would send him away, and begin her
empty life. The page which had held a promise of joy, would be turned
over; a new, dreary chapter, with no promise in it, would begin....
David came in the afternoon. He was a little late, and explained his
tardiness by saying that he had found a toad, and tying a string around
its waist, had tried to play horse with it, up the hill. "But he
wouldn't drive," David said disgustedly; "maybe he was a lady toad; I
don't know."
"Perhaps the poor toad didn't like to be driven," Helena suggested.
David looked thoughtful. "David," she said, "I am going away. Will you
write a little letter to me sometimes?"
"Maybe," said David. And slapped his pocket, in a great flurry; "Dr.
Lavendar ga' me a letter for you!"
She glanced at it to see if it needed an answer, but it was only to ask
her to stop at the Rectory before she left town the next morning.
"Tell Dr. Lavendar I will, darling," she said, and David nodded.
She was sitting before the parlor fire; the little boy was leaning
against her knee braiding three blades of grass; he was deeply
absorbed. Helena took his face between her hands, and looked at it;
then, to hide the trembling of her lips, she hid them in his neck.
"You tickle!" said David, and wriggled out of her arms with chuckles of
fun. "I'm making you a ring," he said.
She let him push the little grass circlet over her finger, and then
closed her hand on it lest it should slip off. "You won't forget me,
David, will you?"
"No," he said surprised; "I never forget anything. I remember
everything the magician did. An' I remember when I was born."
"Oh, David!"
"I do. I remember my brother's candy horse. My brother--was--was, oh,
seven or eight weeks older 'an me. Yes; I'll not forget you; not till
I'm old. Not till I'm twenty, maybe. I guess I'll go now. We are going
to have Jim Crow for dessert. Mary told me. You're prettier than Mary.
Or Dr. Lavendar." This was a very long speech for David, and to make up
for it he was silent for several minutes. He took her hand, and twisted
the little grass ring round and round on her finger; and then,
suddenly, his chin quivered. "I don't like you. You're going away," he
said; he stamped his foot and threw himself against her knee in a
paroxysm of tears. "I hate you!"
It was so unexpected, and so entirely unlike David, that Helena forgot
her own pain in soothing him. And, indeed, when she had said she would
send him some candy--"and a false-face?" David blubbered;--"yes, dear
precious!" she promised;--he quite cheered up, and dragging at her
hand, he went skipping along beside her out to the green gate in the
hedge.
"I'll stop at the Rectory in the morning," she said, when she kissed
him, bravely, in the twilight; "so I'll see you again, dear."
"'By!" said David. And he had gone.
She stood staring after him, fiercely brushing the tears away, because
they dimmed the little joyous figure, trotting into the November dusk.
The morning broke, gray and cloudy. William King had had his early
breakfast; of course he had! Rather than fail in a housekeeper's duty,
Martha would have sat up all night. When the doctor started for that
call out into the country, Helena was just getting into the stage at
the Stuffed Animal House. Once, as the coach went jolting down the
hill, she lowered the misted window and looked back--then sank into her
seat and put her hands over her eyes. Just for a while, there had been
a little happiness in that house.
They were half-way down the hill when Jonas drew in his horses so
sharply that she made a quick effort to control herself; another
passenger, she thought, shrinking into her corner.
"I'll only detain you a minute or two, Jonas." William King said from
the roadside. Jinny was hitched to the fence, and at the doctor's
signalling hand, the stage drew up, with rattling whiffletrees. Then he
opened the door and got in; he sat down on the opposite seat.
"I wanted to say good-by to you," he said; "but, most of all, I wanted
to tell you that I--I have the deepest regard for you. I want you to
know that. I wanted to ask you if you would allow me to call myself
your friend? I have seemed unkind, but--" he took her hand in both of
his, and looked at her; his face twitched. "I implore you to believe
me! I must not ask anything, or say anything, more than that. But I
could not let you go away without asking your forgiveness--"
"_My_ forgiveness!"
"--Without asking you to pardon me, and to believe that I--have nothing
but--esteem; the most--the most--friendly esteem; you will believe
that, won't you?"
"You are very good to me," she said brokenly.
He was holding her hand so hard in his, that she winced with pain;
instantly his harsh grasp relaxed, and he looked down at the white hand
lying in his, soft, and fragrant, and useless as a flower; he said
something under his breath; then bent down and kissed it. When he
lifted his head, his face was very pale. "God bless you. God always
bless you. Good-by!" And he was on the road again, shutting the coach
door sharply. "Go on, Jonas!" he said. And Jonas gathered up the reins.
Alone, she put her hands over her eyes again; the tumult of the moment
left her breathless and broken. She had hated him because he would have
robbed her of David; and then, when she robbed herself of David, she
had almost forgotten him; but now, when the chill of the future was
settling down upon her, to have him say he was her friend brought a
sudden warmth about her heart. There seemed to be some value to life,
after all.
She had told Jonas to stop at the Rectory, and Dr. Lavendar met her at
the front door. He explained that he wanted to have a last look at her
and make sure she was taking wraps enough for the long cold ride to
Mercer. He reminded her that she was to write to him the minute she
arrived, and tell him all about her journey, and Ellen Bailey,--"and
Spangler, of course," Dr. Lavendar added hurriedly. Then he asked her
if she would take a package with her?
"Yes, with pleasure," she said, looking vaguely out into the hall. But
there was no sign of David. "Where is the package, Dr. Lavendar?"
"I told Mary to give it to Jonas," he said. There was a moment's pause,
and she looked at him dumbly.
_"David?"_
"He isn't here," Dr. Lavendar said gently.
"Oh, Dr. Lavendar, tell him I love him! Will you tell him? Don't let
him forget me! Oh, don't let him quite forget me."
"He won't forget you," Dr. Lavendar said. He took both her hands, and
looked into her face. It was a long and solemn look, but it was no
longer questioning; the joy that there is in the presence of the
angels, is done with questioning.
"Helena," he said, "your Master came into the world as a little child.
Receive Him in thy heart by faith, with thanksgiving."
She looked up at him, trembling, and without words; but he understood.
A moment later he gave her his blessing; then he said cheerfully, "I
must not keep you any longer; come!" With Danny at his heels, he walked
beside her down the garden path to the coach. It had begun to rain and
the leather curtains flapped sharply in the cold wind. Jonas had
buttoned the big apron up in front of him, and it was already shining
wet; the steaming horses were pounding restlessly in the mud.
She did not look about her. With unsteady hands she pulled her veil
down; then she said faintly, "Good-by--" She hardly returned the
friendly pressure of Dr. Lavendar's hand. She was so blinded by tears
that she had stumbled into the stage before she saw the child, buttoned
up to his ears in his first greatcoat, and bubbling over with
excitement. Even when she did see him, she did not at first understand.
She looked at him, and then at Dr. Lavendar, and then back at David, to
whom it was all a delightful game which, the night before, Dr. Lavendar
and he had got up between them. It served its purpose, for the child
had no suspicion of anything unusual in the occasion.
"_I'm_ the package!" said David joyously.
The stage went sagging and rumbling down the road. For a long minute
Dr. Lavendar stood in the rain, looking after it. Then it turned the
corner and was out of sight. He drew a long breath. David had gone!
A minute later he and Danny went back to the empty house.
THE END
End of Project Gutenberg's The Awakening of Helena Richie, by Margaret Deland