The day that Sam Wright was buried Helena had written to Lloyd Pryor.
She must see him at once, she said. He must let her know when he would
come to Old Chester--or she would come to him, if he preferred. "It is
most important," she ended, "_most_ important." She did not say why;
she could not write of this dreadful thing that had happened. Still
less could she put down on paper that sense of guilt, so alarming in
its newness and so bewildering in its complexity. She was afraid of it,
she was even ashamed of it; she and Lloyd had never talked
about--things like that. So she made no explanation. She only summoned
him with a peremptoriness which had been absent from their relations
for many years. His answer, expected and despaired of, came three weeks
later.
It was early in October one rainy Friday afternoon. Helena and David
were in the dining-room. She had helped him with his lessons,--for it
was Dr. Lavendar's rule that Monday's lessons were to be learned on
Friday; and now they had come in here because the old mahogany table
was so large that David could have a fine clutter of gilt-edged saucers
from his paint-box spread all around. He had a dauby tumbler of water
beside him, and two or three _Godey's Lady's Books_ awaiting his eager
brush. He was very busy putting gamboge on the curls of a lady whose
petticoats, by a discreet mixture of gamboge and Prussian blue, were a
most beautiful green.
"Don't you think crimson-lake is pretty red for her lips?" Helena
asked, resting her cheek on his thatch of yellow hair.
"No, ma'am," David said briefly; and rubbed on another brushful. Helena
put an eager arm about him and touched his ear with her lips; David
sighed, and moved his head. "No; I wasn't going to," she reassured him
humbly; it was a long time since she had dared to offer the "forty
kisses." It was then that Sarah laid the mail down on the table; a
newspaper and--Lloyd Pryor's letter.
Helena's start and gasp of astonishment were a physical pang. For a
long time afterwards she could not bear the smell of David's
water-colors; gamboge, Chinese white and Prussian blue made her feel
almost faint. She took up the letter and turned it over and over, her
pallor changing into a violent rush of color; then she fled up-stairs
to her own room, tearing the letter open as she ran.
Her eyes blurred as she began to read it, and she had to stop to wipe
away some film of agitation. But as she read, the lines cleared sharply
before her. The beginning, after the "Dear Nelly," was commonplace
enough. He was sorry not to have answered her letter sooner; he had
been frightfully busy; Alice had not been well, and letter-writing, as
she knew, was not his strong point. Besides, he had really expected to
be in Old Chester before this, so that they could have talked things
over. It was surprising how long Frederick had hung on, poor devil. In
regard to the future, of course--here the page turned. Helena gasped,
folding it back with trembling fingers: "Of course, conditions have
changed very much since we first considered the matter. My daughter's
age presents an embarrassment which did not exist a dozen years ago.
Now, if we carried out our first arrangement, some kind friend would
put two and two together, and drop a hint, and Alice would ask
questions. Nevertheless"--again she turned a page--nevertheless, Lloyd
Pryor was prepared to carry out his promise if she wished to hold him
to it. She might think it over, he said, and drop him a line, and he
was, as ever, hers, L. P.
Helena folded the letter, laying the edges straight with slow
exactness.... He would carry out his promise if she held him to it. She
might drop him a line on the subject.... While her dazed mind repeated
his words, she was alertly planning her packing: "Can Sarah fold my
skirts properly?" she thought; but even as she asked herself the
question, she was saying aloud, "Marry him? Never!" She slapped the
letter across her knee. Ah, he knew that. He knew that her pride would
come to his rescue! The tears stung in her eyes, but they did not
fall.... Sarah must begin the next morning; but it would take a week to
close everything up.... Well; if he had ceased to want her, she did not
want him! What a letter she would write him; what indifference, what
assurances that she did not wish to hold him to that "first
arrangement"; what anger, what reproach! Yes; she would "drop him that
line"! Then it came over her that perhaps it would be more cutting not
to write to him at all. She raised her rag of pride but almost
instantly it fell shuddering to the dust--_Sam Wright_....
She sat up in her chair, trembling. Yes; she and David would start on
Monday; she would meet Lloyd in Philadelphia on Tuesday, and be married
that morning. Her trunks could follow her; she would not wait for the
packing. George must do up the furniture in burlap; a railroad journey
across the mountains would injure it very much, unless it was carefully
packed.
She rose hurriedly, and taking her travelling-bag out of the wardrobe,
began to put various small necessities into it. Suddenly she stopped
short in her work, then went over to the mantel-piece, and leaning her
arms upon it looked into the mirror that hung lengthwise above it. The
face that gazed back at her from its powdery depths was thinner; it was
paler: it was--not so young. She looked at it steadily, with frightened
eyes; there were lines on the forehead; the skin was not so firm and
fresh. She spared herself no details of the change, and as she
acknowledged them, one by one, the slow, painful red spread to her
temples. Oh, it was horrible, it was disgusting, this aging of the
flesh! The face in the mirror looked back at her helplessly; it was no
weapon with which to fight Lloyd Pryor's weariness! Yet she must fight
it, somehow. It was intolerable to think that he did not want her; it
was more intolerable to think that she could not match his mood by
declaring that she did not want him. "But that's only because of Sam
Wright," she assured herself, staring miserably at the white face in
the glass; "if it wasn't for that--! But I must get more sleep; I
mustn't let myself look so worn out."
In such cross-currents of feeling, one does not think consecutively.
Desires and motives jumbled together until Helena said to herself
desperately, that she would not try to answer Lloyd's letter for a day
or two. After all, as he had so clearly indicated, there was no hurry;
she would think it over a little longer.
But as she thought, the next day and the next, the wound to her
affection and her vanity grew more unbearable, and her feeling of
responsibility waned. The sense of guilt had been awakened in her by
her recognition of a broken Law; but as the sense of sin was as far
from her consciousness as ever, she was able to argue that if no one
knew she was guilty, no further harm could be done. So why kill what
lingering love there might be in Lloyd's heart by insisting that he
keep his promise? With that worn face of hers, how could she insist!
And suppose she did not? Suppose she gave up that hungry desire to be
like other people, arranged to leave Old Chester--on that point she had
no uncertainty--but did not make any demand upon him? It was perfectly
possible that he would be shamed into keeping his promise. She said to
herself that, at any rate, she would wait a week until she had calmed
down and could write with moderation and good humor.
Little by little the purpose of diplomacy strengthened, and with it a
determination to keep his love--what there was of it--at the price of
that "first arrangement." For, after all, the harm was done; Sam Wright
was dead. She was his murderer, she reminded herself, sullenly, but
nothing like that could ever happen again, so why should she not take
what poor happiness she could get?
Of course this acceptance of the situation veered every day in gusts of
misery and terror; but, on the whole, the desire for peace prevailed.
Yet the week she had allowed herself in which to think it over,
lengthened to ten days before she began to write her letter. She sat
down at her desk late in the afternoon, but by tea-time she had done
nothing more than tear up half a dozen beginnings. After supper David
rattled the backgammon-board significantly.
"You are pretty slow, aren't you?" he asked, as she loitered about her
desk, instead of settling down to the usual business of the evening.
"Don't you think, just to-night, you would rather read a story?" she
pleaded.
"No, ma'am," said David, cheerfully.
So, sighing, she opened the board on her knees. David beat her to a
degree that made him very condescending, and also extremely displeased
by the interruption of a call from William King.
"Nobody is sick," David said politely; "you needn't have come."
"Somebody is sick further up the hill," William excused himself,
smiling.
"Is Mr. Wright worse?" Helena said quickly. She lifted the
backgammon-board on to the table, and whispered a word of manners to
David, who silently stubbed his copper-toed shoe into the carpet.
"No," the doctor said, "he's better, if anything. He managed to ask
Simmons for a poached egg, which made the old fellow cry with joy; and
he swore at me quite distinctly because I did not get in to see him
this morning. I really couldn't manage it, so I went up after tea, and
he was as mad as--as David," said William, slyly. And David, much
confused, kicked vigorously.
"Do you think he will ever be able to talk?" she said.
William would not commit himself. "Perhaps; and perhaps not. I didn't
get anything clear out of him to-night, except--a bad word."
"Damn?" David asked with interest.
William chuckled and then remembered to look proper. But David feeling
that he was being laughed at, hid his face on Helena's shoulder, which
made her lift him on to her knee. There, in the drowsy warmth of the
little autumn fire, and the quiet flow of grown people's meaningless
talk, he began to get sleepy; gradually his head slipped from her
shoulder to her breast, and when she gathered his dangling legs into
her lap, he fell sound asleep.
"It isn't his bedtime yet," she excused herself. She rested her cheek
on the child's head and looked over at the doctor. She wore a dark
crimson silk, the bosom filled with sheer white muslin that was caught
together under her soft chin by a little pearl pin; her lace
undersleeves were pushed back so that William could see the lovely
lines of her white wrists. Her parted hair fell in soft, untidy waves
down over her ears; she was staring absently across David's head into
the fire.
"I wish," William said, "that you would go and call on old Mr. Wright
some time. Take David with you. It would cheer him up." It seemed to
William King, thinking of the forlorn old man in his big four-poster,
that such a vision of maternity and peace would be pleasant to look
upon. "He wouldn't use David's bad word to you, I am sure."
"Wouldn't he?" she said.
For once the doctor's mind was nimble, and he said in quick
expostulation: "Come, come; you mustn't be morbid. You are thinking
about poor Sam and blaming yourself. Why, Mrs. Richie, you are no more
responsible for his folly than I am."
She shook her head. "That day at the funeral, I thought how they used
to bring the murderer into the presence of the man he had killed."
William King was really displeased. "Now, look here, you must stop this
sort of thing! It's not only foolish, but it's dangerous. We can none
of us play with our consciences without danger; they cut both ways."
Mrs. Richie was silent. The doctor got up and planted himself on the
hearth-rug, his back to the fire, and his hands under his coat tails.
"Let's have it out: How could you help it because that poor boy fell in
love? You couldn't help being yourself--could you? And Sam couldn't
help being sentimental. Your gentleness and goodness were like
something he had never seen before. But you had to stop the
sentimentality, of course; that was just your duty. And I know how
wisely you did it--and kindly. But the boy was always a self-absorbed
dreamer; the mental balance was too delicate; it dipped the wrong way;
his mind went. To feel it was your fault is absolute nonsense. Now
there! I've never been so out of patience with you before," he ended
smiling; "but you deserve it."
"I don't deserve it," she said; "I wish I did."
"When I spoke about goodness," the doctor amended, "I didn't mean to
reflect on his father and mother. Mrs. Wright is one of the best women
in the world. I only meant--" William sat down and looked into the
fire. "Well; just plain goodness isn't necessarily--attractive. A
man--at least a boy like Sam, admires goodness, of course; but he does
sort of hanker after prettiness;" William's eyes dwelt on her bent
head, on the sheer muslin under David's cheek, on the soft incapable
hands that always made him think of white apple-blossoms, clasped
around the child's yielding body;--"Yes; something pretty, and
pleasant, and sweet; that's what a man--I mean a boy, Sam was only a
boy; really wants. And his mother, good as she is, is not,--well; I
don't know how to express it."
Helena looked over at him with a faint smile. "I thought goodness was
the finest thing in the world; I'm sure I used to be told so," she
ended dully.
"Of course, _you_ would feel that," the doctor protested; "and it is,
of course it is! Only, I can understand how a boy might feel. Down at
the Wrights' there was just nothing but plain goodness, oh, very plain,
Mrs. Richie. It was all bread-and-butter. Necessary; I'm the last
person to say that bread-and-butter isn't necessary. But you do want
cake, once in a while; I mean when you are young. Sam couldn't help
liking cake," he ended smiling.
"Cakes and ale," Helena said.
But the connection was not clear to William. "At home, there was just
plain, ugly goodness; then he met you. And he saw goodness, and other
things!"
Helena's fingers opened and closed nervously. "I wish you wouldn't call
me good," she said; "I'm not. Truly I'm not."
William laughed, looking at her with delighted eyes. "Oh, no; you are a
terrible sinner!"
At which she said with sudden, half-sobbing violence, "Oh, _don't;_ I
can't bear it. I am not good."
The doctor sobered. This really was too near the abnormal to be safe;
he must bring her out of it. He must make her realize, not only that
she was not to blame about Sam Wright, but that the only shadow on her
goodness was this same morbid feeling that she was not good. He got up
again and stood with his back to the fire, looking down at her with
good-natured determination.
"Now look here!" he said, "conscience is a good thing; but conscience,
unrestrained by common sense, does a fine work for the devil. That
isn't original, Dr. Lavendar said it; but it's true. I wish Dr.
Lavendar knew of this morbid idea of yours about responsibility--he'd
shake it out of you! Won't you let me tell him?"
"Oh, no! no! Please don't!"
"Well, I won't; but he would tell you that it was wrong not to see
straight in this matter; it's unfair to your--to Providence," William
said. He did not use religious phrases easily, and he stumbled over
"unfair to your Heavenly Father," which was what Dr. Lavendar had said
in some such connection as this: "Recognize your privileges and be
grateful for the help they have been in making you as good as you are.
To deny what goodness you have is not humility, it's only being unfair
to your Heavenly Father." But William could not say a thing like that;
so he blundered on about Providence, while Helena sat, trembling, her
cheek on David's hair.
"You are as good as any mortal of us can be," William declared, "and
better than ninety-nine mortals in a hundred. So there! Why Mrs.
Richie"--he hesitated, and the color mounted slowly to his face; "your
loveliness of character is an inspiration to a plain man like me."
It was intolerable. With a breathless word, she rose, swaying a little
under the burden of the sleeping child; then, moving swiftly across the
room, she laid him on a sofa. David murmured something as she put him
down, but she did not stop to hear it. She came back and stood in front
of William King, gripping her hands together in a passion of denial.
"Stop. I can't bear it. I can't sit there with David in my arms and
hear you say I am good. It isn't true! I can't bear it--" She stopped
short, and turned away from him, trembling very much.
The doctor, alarmed at this outbreak of hysteria, and frowning with
concern, put out his kind protesting hands to take hers. But she
cringed away from him.
"Don't," she said hoarsely; and then in a whisper: "He is not--my
brother."
William, his hand still outstretched, stared at her, his mouth falling
slowly open.
"I told you," she said, "that I wasn't--good."
_"My God!"_ said William King. He stepped back sharply, then suddenly
sat down, leaning his head on his clenched hand.
Helena, turning slightly, saw him. "I always told you I wasn't," she
cried out angrily; "why would you insist on saying I was?"
He did not seem to notice her, though perhaps he shrank a little. That
movement, even if she only imagined it, was like the touch of flame.
She felt an intolerable dismay. It was more than anger, far more than
terror; it seemed to envelop her whole body with a wave of scarlet. It
was a new, unbearable, burning anguish. It was shame.
She had an impulse to tear it from her, as if it were some tangible
horror, some blazing film, that was covering her flesh. With a cry, she
broke out:
"You don't understand! I am not wicked. Do you hear me? I am not
wicked. You must listen!"
He made no answer.
"I am not wicked--the way you think. My husband killed my baby. I told
you that, long ago. And I could not live with him. I couldn't I Don't
you see? Oh, listen, please! Please listen! And Lloyd loved me, and he
said I would be happy. And I went away. And we thought Frederick would
divorce me, so we could be married. But he didn't. Oh, he didn't _on
purpose_! And we have been waiting for him to die. And he didn't
die--he wouldn't die!" she said with a wail. "But now he is dead, and--"
And what? Alas, what? She waited a second, and then went on, with
passionate conviction, "And now I am to be married. Yes, you see, I am
not as wicked as you think. I am to be married; you won't think me
wicked then, will you? Not when I am married? I couldn't have you say
those things while I sat and held David. But now I am to be married."
In her excitement she came and stood beside him, but he would not look
at her. Silence tingled between them. Over on the sofa, David stirred
and opened his eyes.
"The child!" William King said; "be careful." He went and lifted David
to his feet. "Go up-stairs, my boy." He did not look at Mrs. Richie,
who bent down and kissed David, mechanically.
"I dreamed," the little boy mumbled, "'at my rabbits had earrings;
an'--"
"Go, dear," she said; and David, drowsily obedient, murmured
good-night. A minute later they heard him climbing up-stairs.
Helena turned dumb eyes towards the silent figure on the hearth-rug,
but he would not look at her. Under his breath he said one incredulous
and tragic word:
"_You?_"
Then he looked at her.
And at his look she hid her face in her bent arm. That new sensation,
that cleansing fire of shame, swept over her again with its intolerable
scorch.
"No! No! I am going to be married; I--"
The front door closed behind him. Helena, alone, crouched, sobbing, on
the floor.
_But the Lord was not in the fire._